Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

[Geoff]

Day 7 - rest,

What a unproductive weekend. I kind of understand what Voytek meant, feeling like he got hit by a train.

Yesterday was nuts, so full of angst, anger, confusion, erratic emotions and low tolerance.

Today, I’m a little more settled but nothing feels right. It’s hard to absorb anything, any information as stuff is just coming at me from within, there’s no room for external influence. As said before, my cup is full.

…

I’ve had such low standards, for what I accept from the external. Just to get needs met, I’d settle.

My exgf and those before her, all had red flags. Some I saw, some not until the end or after the relationship. The things I accepted or put up with.

My family, being constantly chastised, criticized and corrected. My identity and sense of self just repeatedly torn down. I have to give myself credit for not giving up, for surviving the consistent break downs.

I’m quite dysfunctional when it comes to intimate interaction, acting and behaving in a productive way, a non destructive way with others in a close way. I have no model of a “healthy relationship” how two people who live together would/should behave.

I get really uncomfortable if I’m around others for a long time. Being at others houses, I always seem like I’m rushing to leave, the sense of discomfort is strong. Why is this? The only time I feel “safe” or comfortable is when I’m alone…away from rejection, judgment or abandonment…is this why I choose to the loner life? I abandon them before they can abandon me? I leave people/hang outs because I stay too long and they reject me?

All these defense mechanisms serve to make me feel safe yet reinforce the problems I seek to avoid? You can’t run and hide to avoid pain. I don’t have to have confrontation if I avoid it always.

If I don’t make friends, I can’t be rejected or abandoned right?

If I have a girlfriend and sabotage it, that proves myself correct that I’m unworthy and unlovable and I can play the victim because she left me right?

I’ve had many girls in my past tell me I’m “hard to love” what was that song where the guy sang hard to love? They used to relate that song to me.

Toxic dysfunction…how will I overcome these self created mechanisms. I see them, I acknowledge I do these. What’s next…I’d like to say that I’ll be aware and stop myself from acting on these ingrained reactions in situations, but let’s be honest…shit like this is automatic, it’s always caught in hindsight. I need strength, will power and permanent awareness.

I do not have an emotionally healthy life, acknowledging this is step 1 I guess. It would be great if I could start action outside of my job. I did literally nothing this weekend and for that, I am ashamed.

[Geoff]

Day 7, continued

“The only drawback is that your mind seems to need a huge amount of convalescence, therefore, you have much less energy, time, and motivation to do other stuff.”

From Voytek.

This is so true for me right now. I haven’t been able to do much, I felt shame for it in my post above but now I understand.

My minds kind of put up barriers, my cup is full. I noticed chatting on a group I’m in on telegram, one girl…I didn’t seem to give a shit. She kind of ignored me Friday when I loosely explained I was feeling low key depressive, dealing with emotional trauma, she said she’d respond later but only replied sorry an hour later. She reached out tonight but it was only to get me to respond so she could use me as a sounding board…

This is that shit, when you avail yourself to others for “mutual” conversation then you realize it’s always one sided. Sooner or later it always shows itself.

Fuck that.

I’m pretty fed up, I feel mean but really it’s just me starting to recognize how I’ve removed my own boundaries as a sacrifice for attention/interaction.

Now I’m shutting it all down. I don’t have the energy to care. I don’t have the time to give others. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. They are who they are and see opportunity which I opened and they took it. But now I’m seeing it clearly, that I have been weak, too weak to form AND support boundaries to prevent this kind of behavior.

The doors are closing, I’m no longer available to be used.

Edit:

There is such a heaviness within me. DR is truly a difficult sub but in a good way. It’s taxing in every way. I spent the last few days just trying to cope…to cope with things I’m not 100% aware of but feel deeply.

I used food for comfort but no pmo so I’m happy about that. I didn’t gain any weight so I’m actually happy about that too. But I wish I had more self control in the face of intense emotions. I wonder if DR develops emotional regulation? If not, what does…though I’d like to run DR solo if I can.

[Geoff]

Listening day 8,

1 loop DR, stage 1.

Journaling and making posts seemed to empty my cup a bit. I don’t as heavy as I did at work. Once I clocked out and started driving, I became hyperactive and drove about 90mph on the highway for the majority of the way home.

I don’t understand why I feel so rushed, I get home, prep for work, shower and then get ready for sleep as if it’s the last time. Where is this anxiety/dread coming from? Idk what it is, but I rush myself and it’s stupid.

…

At work, my coworkers seemed to be looking at me funny. A few did double takes or just looked at me in ways that said “what’s up with him” as if something is different.

Maybe I’m paranoid but something was affecting them. No one said anything. It was all non verbal in a way. Just an observation to note.

…

Been thinking all night about how much people do not care. I’ve always known that, but it makes me question how I react to it. I’ve always tried to change it. Chase it. Try to create it within them. I guess I mean with women mostly. Why can’t I let things go? Do I see it as a challenge, it’s not healthy.

My self worth needs major work. To put up with such cold indifference, and then to pursue those…not sure how deep this goes but damn, neglect as a child can really set someone up for failure.

Why do I value people who do not value me? What is the attraction to those who reject me? Because they manifest my feelings towards myself? I don’t value myself so I pursue those who confirm/validate it?

That’s sick…that’s unhealthy

[Michel]

@Geoff

Now I’m shutting it all down. I don’t have the energy to care. I don’t have the time to give others. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. They are who they are and see opportunity which I opened and they took it. But now I’m seeing it clearly, that I have been weak, too weak to form AND support boundaries to prevent this kind of behavior.

Once we’ve realised that we opened up to the wrong people, the work starts in keeping that sacred place within just for you, vetting everybody that wants a slice and consciously saying NO, you’ll have to work for it this time.

Story of our lives.

[Geoff]

Listening day 8, continued…

Woke up feeling lighter, I was reluctant this morning if running a loop was good or if I should skip…but I ran the 1 loop and slept well.

At work now and I have a light joy within me, I just feel lighter…so I must have healed something. Good stuff

My attitude is not as serious, and I don’t feel overwhelmed like yesterday.

…

I’m wondering if physical shifting and testosterone boosting is in stage 1?

I noticed I don’t look as “soft”, I’m either holding my shoulders back/open more or I’m getting slightly wider.

This could just be my perception/awareness of self improving too. Seeing myself in a more positive way.

Aka: * Develop your internal self-image from negative to positive, and from unattractive to incredibly attractive

…

I also noticed my facial hair is coming in a little faster. That 5 O’clock shadow deal is more full, looks denser. I had to run the shaver this morning when I can usually go every other day. Interesting… will see if it’s the new normal going forward.

[subliminalguy]

There’s an objective that speaks of it toughening you up. I can’t pull it now since I’m at work. Sounds like it’s hitting you

[Geoff]

Rest, day 9

Woke up a headache, my right eyes bothering me. I don’t think this is sub related.

As I woke up, I had the awareness that I was mentally engaged in something but no idea what. So could this be considered a dream? Possibly

…

While driving home this morning, an intense questioning of “what do I want in life” came at me. I knew this was from DR, I pondered driving home with no real answer. I still can’t come up with any concrete idea. I honestly think I don’t know enough to give an answer, and in that lies the answer…knowledge/wisdom?

…

I’ve been reflecting on DR and my behavior since starting…

I’ve noticed that,

I don’t self deprecate anymore and my coworkers have not thrown any verbal jabs at me in the past few weeks.

I don’t act like the “class clown”. I do still seem to disrupt awkward situations with commentary but it’s not like it was.

A sense of maturity is forming within me instead of the past “mask” I wore, born of frustration and anger over being unfulfilled.

A stronger frame of behavior, I’m not so loose or wishy washy, the anxiety is diminished. I feel more solid internally.

The feeling of neediness is mostly reduced, that anxious empty feeling I carried that pushed me to search out others for validation is dying.

Sense of secure-ness within is improving.

Self control is improving, no fap is going strong. Diet related, If I decide to cheat, I accept and realign after. But the craving to eat more and eat unhealthy is dying. The appeal of it is losing its power.

Posture, stance and walk is more pronounced, stable and calm.

Emotions are less volatile this week, I’d always wear my mood on my sleeve and emotional states were too easily affected. This is firming up slowly. I ask myself “why get upset, does this really matter?” That calm logic was overrided in the past. Not anymore

Body is looking a little more firm, my face looks a little more “manly” - I’ve always looked younger, now it’s changing.

…

I haven’t worked out yet, listening to near daily vids of motivation, discipline, hard work, responsibility, mgtow, empire building, success chasing, truth…

I’ve had thoughts of working out, buying a Kettlebell again. Watched vids on exercises again. Seems I’m getting a call to action.

After that energetic heat I felt in my right shoulder/back a week ago. I’ve had less to no pain there but it does get tired after work, so I’m hesitant to hit the weights but I can do other things that don’t stress that area.

I’m starting to form/build a picture of my ideal self in my mind, making plans, questioning things I want/wanted trying to put together a clear path of development.

Soon, action will start as I gain the confidence and repair self esteem and self image. I can feel DR working to compound the positive so I keep building on successes until I’m a completely upgraded Geoff.

I like this, DR is helping me help myself and I will keep going. There is nothing else I’d rather be listening to.

[Geoff]

Rest day 9, continued…

Thoughts of regret flow, thinking about how much time I’ve wasted in the delusional comfort of complacency.

I wish I was 10 years younger. The amount of fear I carried in me is more than I thought. The effect of fear is, more than I realized. It’ll cost you your life if you let it consume you and run your life.

Better late than never, but damn it’s hard facing truths about myself. At least this one is. I’ve been a child all this time. Hiding, keeping people away and getting angry at those who can’t read my mind that I wish would be/stay in my life.

I’ve been an idiot. Stop living for others. Stop hiding. Start focusing on yourself in a HEALTHY way. I’m not getting any younger and the illusion of safety I’ve tried to live in for so long is being torn down.

What am I going to do, do I have a plan…not so much, just avoid reality until I can’t anymore. Yeah…that’s not going to hurt is it…

Note to self: You’re completely alone. Even though there are people and family near you, You’re alone. Understand that right now, it’s all on you.

…

All this came flooding in after lunch, I felt really heady, like being high on weed and shrooms…disoriented in a purely mental way for about 20/25 minutes I felt messed up. Then anxiety and all this came up.

Maybe a Chakra pathway got opened. Maybe Just an intense trauma…but either way this experience feels like dependency and the illusion of safety just got pushed up and I’m dealing with uncomfortable truths.

[TheSunlightCaller]

@Geoff

Better late than never, but damn it’s hard facing truths about myself

@Geoff I can understand that, I feel the exact same way. Onward and upward.

[Geoff]

It’s exhausting realizing and accepting just how weak I am. Not that I have to stay this way, but in the moment it can be overwhelming.

It’s funny though because DR is what I’ve been looking for all these years and even though it doesn’t feel good, it’s the best thing ever.

Yes…onward and upward

[subliminalguy]

@Geoff

It’s exhausting realizing and accepting just how weak I am.

Something I remembered just days ago is that when I’m seeing or feeling something which is uncomfortable (since I’ve pushed them away for ages), it’s DR working on it. I don’t have to do all the fighting, pushing, and pulling. DR’s doing its work, so when this comes, it means it’s digging into my stored garbage. And thank God it’s bearable.

I live in FL, and I see it like our weather here. Hard rain for 10 minutes. Maybe some wind for 5 minutes prior. But after that, nothing. All done. I love our weather since one doesn’t have to face extended exposure to cruel elements.

And DR is similar. Give it 5 minutes, and it’ll change.

Edit: I just remembered some St.1 experiences. I remembered it hanging on to me too for hours sometimes. I began to accept it since I’ve used mind games for ages to deny some truths about myself, and DR would keep it in my awareness long enough to where I wasn’t so fearful of it. I found that to be a major theme on St.1.

It’s seeing uncomfortable truths and accepting them (not liking them), without overwhelm.

[Geoff]

Listening, day 10

Got home this morning and actually did 3 sets of 10 reps, decline dumbell press. Just a small step…but a step nonetheless.

Ran 1 loop of stage 1. Took about 2 hours to fall asleep, I felt kind of hyped before and after.

…

Woke up and came to work. My heads still achey. Whatever was going yesterday really did a number on me. But I think it’s just detox, mental, physical and Spiritual. The sensations in my head tell me I’m changing so I’m not worried about it.

Seems DR comes and goes like the waves on a beach. I get powerful bouts of healing, followed by mini moments of bliss until the next healing wave hits.

…

Discipline is growing, coworker bought me a small bag of twisted BBQ frito chips like 2 days ago…bags been sitting in my car since and I just look at it with contempt. I’d throw it away but I kind of like looking at it and not eating it, also I’ll give it to my son this weekend.

[enigma12]

The 3 sets of 10 reps is a great start along with discipline to not eat the chips! Its amazing how hitting the gym 6 times a week and eating clean alone will transform you and your mindset… Dragon really set me free on this , as in the past i was unable to do either consistently. Sounds like its setting you up for the same, its a game changer.

[Geoff]

Did stage 1 get you into working out? I was surprised to feel this hyped up on the breakdown stage, but maybe my stack prior paved the way to less “depressive” expectations.

I can tell I haven’t worked out in over a year, my triceps where they connect to elbows is sore as heck, but I do have aggravation in those area from the work I do with hammers on metal, so I think it’s a tendon/connective tissue deal. (I’d add paragon, but I want to run DR in its purity for now)

Do you really hit the gym 6 days a week? Impressive.

[Geoff]

Rest, day 11

Felt solid all day, subtle drive in a consistent way.

I usually try to get to sleep when I get home but this week I’ve been staying up awhile attending to things that I’ve usually put off until weekends.

I think I’m becoming more functional. I feel at peace today.

As my dysfunction is dealt with, I have less things that stand in my way (mentally) less excuses or reasons why I won’t do something now rather than later under to guise of efficiency. A good way to B S. Myself.

This scripting in stage 1 is watching every move I make and analyzing it for ways to improve. I feel like I’m being reorganized from the ground up.

Every thought pattern, excuse, fear, ideology, belief, craving, desire, plan, dream, all of it…it’s all being challenged and what works stays, what doesn’t is trashed.

[Geoff]

F.O.M.O.

The Fear Of Missing Out.

My job opened up Overtime for sat(Fri night) and after a long struggle with myself, I decided not to work it.

I’ve been way to attached to work. Constant sacrifices to work as much as I can and forgoing other things in my life for the “opportunity” to work more.

This weekend is my weekend with my son. In the past years, I’ve pawned him off on my mother(who Gladly hosts him) and took overtime 99% of the time.

I felt the need to spend time with him this time. Not sure if it’s DR or a Spiritual influence but either way, I’m taking this weekend off.

…

Where does the Fear of missing out on opportunity come from?

My mother never married after having my sister and I. She bought into feminism and decided she could have the career and children, all while doing it alone.

I watched her do nothing but work, wether in school or jobs. This came at great expense to my development.

Unintended neglect. I had no real structure and support. My only role model was solitude and work. My mother still to this day pursues her career and work. It’s all she has.

How do I break the intense feelings of regret over not working? Not accepting the opportunity? Will DR remove this…

I feel anxious, like I’m making a mistake by choosing not to work. Logically I know it’s not the end of the world but emotionally it’s freaking me out. I feel like I have no coping skills for this.

This must appear like a laughable, trivial matter but it’s a deep root within me.
I’ve sacrificed years of my own life to work instead of living life, spending time with whoever, going on trips and experiencing things. All because of what I observed in childhood.

And this weekend OT situation triggered it all.

…

I like how driven I am, I like how much I appreciate the illusion of security my job provides. I don’t like how my time is sacrificed for nothing of true value while I avoid and reject all else and live in relative solitude.

This is unhealthy, this is from a toxic childhood. There is no balance…there is not enough balance.

I’ve shut myself off for many reasons and chose to make work my (safe place) where I can justify saying I’m not hiding from people, the world or pain because … “I’m working”. Where I can reject others, reject love, reject help because “I’m working”.

…

I’m glad I chose to spend time with family for once. I hope I start to change for the better and see the value in living outside of work. I guess acknowledgement is step one.

It’s funny, I always saw this “Always working” mentality as a badge of honor, something to be admired…maybe it still is but since today I’m starting to see it as a possible dysfunction…at least part of it is. Working hard and being consistent is great…but doing it 6/7 days a week at the expense of my own life and others (like my son) is dysfunctional.

I never wanted my son around because I thought I was too fucked up and didn’t want him soiled by me. I avoided being a dad because I thought being in his life would cause more harm than good.

I think things are changing, I’m starting to think of things to tell him, teach him that have added value to my life. I’m starting to care about his future, his reality. I never felt much of a bond with him due to the past circumstances but at least now, things are changing.

He’s 14 in August so there’s still time.

DR sure hit me with this one. Lots to process. I just need to keep doing the next right thing

[subliminalguy]

Thank you for sharing all that, as it made me think of my own life. The constant avoidance of “real life” I’m relating to.

I’ve been hiding from a deep shame I’ve felt. I’m facing that now on St2.

And BTW, I’m taking off this weekend myself. Almost 60 hours for the week is ENOUGH.

[enigma12]

Yeah it was actually right after stage 1 tho on the 5 day washout before stage 2 so it took my stubborn ass a while. But something all clicked. Mind you this is coming from me who struggled to even motivate myself to workout 1X a week most times not even that…

[Geoff]

Listening, day 12

Today just started out bad. My son never came down today due to (I don’t know how) a miscommunication.

After mowing for 2 hours and not finished, the deck belt sheared off and no more mowing.

Get ahold of boss to offer to work tonight, coworker arrived and there is no work for him, just me. So we are working 4 hours, not 8.

I also could not find a new belt for mower, though I only had time to visit 1 store. Maybe tomorrow.

…

All that to say…I was upset with my mother/son for not doing what they said they would. But I handled it better than I have in the past.

The FOMO caused me to run and see if I could work since no was came down. I could have just enjoyed the night off but no…I just HAD to work…4 hours is 4 hours. I need to find balance and learn to let go. This is an unhealthy attachment hidden behind “hard work ethic”

My physical body is sore, irritated and needs rest. I need to pay more attention to myself and stop pushing so hard.

All in all, I had a disappointing day. But I had much better emotional regulation than in times past so I’ll chalk this one up as a mini win in that regard.

[Geoff]

Running 1 loop of Paragon ZP, body feels totally trashed. Hope this works well for me.

I don’t plan on running it “with DR” just a quick helping hand.

On my weekend washout anyways, shouldn’t get in the way. Will update tomorrow if results show.

Edit:

Only slept 4 hours but woke up and the pain in my arm is down by at least half, if not more. Doesn’t hurt to move like it did last night. I do have a headache though… Crazy wild results from 1 loop.