Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

@subliminalguy My thoughts exactly. I have just got into Faster EFT to work on some fears, aches and pains.

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I haven’t done EFT in years. My daughter was in Kindergarten then, and I remember tapping while driving her to school. It actually helped my mood. It gave me some hope. I also started doing Faster EFT after finding it on YT.

How much time do you put into it? I remember staying up a few nights tapping, absolutely insisting I achieve some breakthrough. Looking back, a lot of fear blockades came down since I invited old pain in. When you’re committed, you think “why the hell NOT?!”

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Listening - day 3,

Currently listening to my 1 loop.

Last night/this morning at work was a real struggle focus wise. I had a note from boss on what we were all to run. I looked at it then proceeded to run. It wasn’t until the last hour of shift did I realize I wasn’t doing what was written.

I was so disconnected at work, I kept double checking what I was reading/seeing while running. Of course I had a rush of anxiety that last hour trying to get back on the correct path.

Felt really off, even talking with my coworkers felt different. Not sure if it’s good or bad, just different.

So far this lack of presence/focus is the only real challenge. I wonder what action/s I can take to make this a positive.

9pm, Edit:

Looking back this morning as I was at the time clock waiting to punch out. I was close to it and the few late punchers scurry to clock in by 6am…I noticed I did not move out of the way for the 2 that rushed in. I felt no anxiety, no fear or anything. One was a buddy and he tried to slide in while lightly bumping me (checking me) and the other came by and reached over in front of me while greeting.

I had no intention with this, I just found myself close to the clock and just didn’t move. It felt good, not getting that “oh, I’m in the way, hurry move” thought every morning.

I feel sturdy in a physical sense, like DR has reinforced me in a way.
Though the lack of focus is still ongoing, I swear I read something and not 15 seconds later I don’t remember anything. My attention is just not present. It makes me nervous at work because I don’t want to make mistakes.

So far after my loop this morning I woke up with my alarm, still tired and groggy. Must need more sleep to process. But I’m feeling good physically.

Edit 3:

I forgot to mention, the past day scenarios played in my mind where I watched my interactions and saw my behavior, then changed what I should have said or done.

I’ve also recounted experiences with my exgf and have come to conclusions that are more aligned in truth than I previously allowed myself to accept.

Truths like, She doesn’t want me, if she did you’d see it in her actions.

  1. Stop paying attention to words, actions matter.
  2. Needing others lows your value
  3. Don’t worry about what others are doing, what am I doing?
  4. What do I want, really. Not what do I think I want based on the flow of society.
  5. I’ve been living in the safety of delusion for years, time to wake up!

Reframing of past adversities as learning moments—giving you insight on how to overcome all future challenges (replacing the “manifest challenges” scripting).

Yes, The questioning of beliefs has begun.

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How are to you today?

Better than yesterday as far as focus but still less than I’d like.

Things appear to be moving forward nicely after starting 3 days ago. If you read the post just above, the edits which you can see I can connect situations to the stated goals of DR.

I hope to continue to see manifestations from the goals summary continue with intensifying results.

So far I am quite content running and feel no pull towards stopping, switching or even increasing loops.

1 loop MWF each week and I’m doing great.

I hope you’re doing great today @RVconsultant and thank you for checking in.

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@subliminalguy I’ve been into Faster EFT for about a month or so. I am still learning the mechanics of it but I practice and look at videos about 30 minutes to an hour a day. I also tap about 10 minutes a day.

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Rest - day 4,

Dazed and confused with moments of clarity. That’s today.

Feeling more mental sensations in my head, things being addressed and processed through the filter that is DR.

I found myself overly angry earlier by a situation related to a telegram based group. I messaged a fellow member days ago only to be completely ignored, no response to this day. Found out through another member that he’s burnt out from answering questions. Which is fine, the issue is complete unacknowledgement. Apparently I do not like this, I have been dealing with hate filled thoughts the past few hours.

Honestly if he would have replied “I’m sure Google could give you an answer” or “piss off, I don’t care to answer” it would have not bothered me as much as acting like I don’t exist. I guess this goes in line with the “ghosting” problem of today’s dating market.

I don’t know where in my past this anger stems from but I do think my reaction to such a small matter is too much.

Though I can appreciate the inner power I feel towards the “perceived wrong”. The desire not to “take this”. The push back within me. This, I am proud of. I used to deflect, avoid or even accommodate others shit.

I simply deleted our thread and tossed out any prospect of communication now or in the future. But the anger within is still burning. Not sure how to handle it, or if it needs expressed. I’m hoping writing this now will remedy the feeling.

Still hitting the motivation, discipline videos on YouTube. I even started playing the book of Ezekiel last night at work which I will continue tonight.

DR is definitely manifesting books, sources of information I need. I’ve had no real interest in much else this week.

I do feel contempt though, towards others. My exgf I feel indignation. My son I feel contempt towards for not being the ideal I hold for him. I feel contempt for my coworkers in that I see the weakness. The slavery to addictions, the weak mindsets ect…

In a way it’s good to see, but why do I need to notice these things and feel disdain and almost repulsion towards them now as if I’m clean and they are dirty and I don’t want to soil myself being around them? Feels a little harsh but maybe I’ll find balance soon.

I’m pissed off at the attachment that still lingers. The attachment to needing someone to reply to my message…lol seriously, how weak does one have to be for this to matter?

My tolerance for my exgf is quite low and it’s funny because in my mind, it’s like there’s something between us but in reality (for her, we are loose friends). I’m just tired of the shit. I don’t know how to cut her off since our lives are loosely connected and there’s always this “possible connection” which pisses me off. Gotta kill the attachment, seriously…

I think I literally need to move. Not just due to her but everything, I’m not happy where I am…life feels more like a problem…or a burden where I am.

At this point I think I’m just rambling, complaining out loud. I sense that things are coming up and I’m about to hit that sick and tired of being sick and tired stage and things might start happening in reality vs. All the above just in my mind.

Action…action…what actions can I take this weekend that will help DR integration and activation?

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Day 4, continued…

I’m tired of the weakness. The weak mindset that says yes to things I shouldn’t do. Where is my resolve, my backbone. My strength?

Coworker orders pizza/wings and of course tells me he got me 6 wings…even though I started my juice fast back up 3 days ago, I 100% ate them.
Wtf is wrong with my weak, people pleasing, non confrontational ass that I can’t stick my own plan and respectfully decline anything and everything that goes against my goals??

Seriously disappointed in myself and here I am having that time tested debate with myself…“you already broke your plan, might as well enjoy your weekend off and get some wings”

Who the hell can be this much of a loser. When is it going to end. It’s all so great in my mind but the discipline to make it a reality is not enough.
Maybe I should of ran Spartan instead of DR. Seems like nothing I run will kill the pu**y within.

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@Geoff, I’m facing some of that STILL. The people-pleasing, undesirable behavior. And it showed up 20 minutes ago.

I woke up, relaxed in bed, and considered writing in my journal. No major highlights or struggles going on. What I did feel is exactly why I didn’t post this morning. It’s a very familiar and uncomfortable awareness of being weak around males. That’s been my accepted identity for so long, and it disgusts me since I’m putting on pretenses that “I’m changing!”. Like I’ll do anything or say anything just so you’ll accept me.

I fricken do this. And I hate it. I did it yesterday with a coworker–since I didn’t know who I was and hoped he’d like me anyway. It was “Do you like my front?” mixed with smiles and nervous laughter. I end up coming back here, both kicking and doubting myself, hoping I can be different.

I’m seeing (now) that I’ve carried this front since the “show” was nicer than facing old pain and beliefs that I’m not lovable, not ok being myself, etc. And…I’ve sat in those old feelings so long. They are uncomfortable, but familiar.

I have a great insecurity airing this. I’ve spent my ENTIRE life hiding behind some “will you love me?” mask. And DR…damn… is showing me (gently) that I am the one holding on to it. I have no bold proclamations of how “I’ll throw it out, toss it aside”. Since that’s bullshit. At this moment now, I’m still hanging on to it. Maybe…no, not maybe…I have a choice of letting go of it. I sensed DR just reminding me it is a choice, and (he) stood with me here as I admitted it. Like a mentor, counselor, friend. A guide.

That’s all I’ve got. You’re definitely not alone in your struggles.

Edit: I’ve also hung around here for 5 minutes looking for a “like” for my post. “Am I acceptable?” It’s still running my life.

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Yeah man, this weakness has to go. I feel disgusted as soon as I recognize that I failed in whatever situation I’m in.

At least with awareness, it just needs to hit BEFORE the action, not just after. What actions can one take to help curtail this behavior? Of backing down, hiding or giving in.

Feels like I’m in recon over boundaries too. Boundaries with myself especially, it’s as if I have no willpower. Trouble sticking to the decisions I make. I hope DR actually removes the roots of these issues, I’m looking for a lasting transformation.

It’s hard trying to figure out what actions to take on this stage besides Journaling.

But I can empathize with your struggle, seems like we share common issues which helps in a way, I wish you strength and success.

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What I’ve been realizing is that me owning my beliefs and past mistakes is how I go beyond it. I mostly gloss over my major insecurities, thus keeping them alive.

I’m not sure exactly how this’ll pan out. But I’ve done the act of adding and switching subs “to make me STRONGER (RAHH!!)” I’ve circled this problem using different subs many, many times.

All I have is now. Right now (and I’m saying this to myself. I tend to bullshit myself regularly)

Thanks for saying this, I’ve been tempted to buy and limit destroyer thinking it would have a profound effect but now I’m guessing not so much. I’ll just keep going.

Also acceptance and acknowledgement is what I got from your post above, I do that too. I think I’ll write out the acknowledgement now instead of just thinking myself through it. Maybe that’ll help.

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That’s the most profound healing (aka recon) at work. We called it the cry of the soul. I experience it from time to time too. I suppose you’re going to experience a lot ot it when doing DR. Keep going, mate.

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What is your listening schedule?

How about listening to your titles 2 times a week, starting with 3 minutes each track, and noticing what happens?

1 loop MWF, weekends off.

Respectfully, I’m not in alignment with changing the minutes of loops, 3,5 7, ect. I feel a strong aversion at the thought of it.

However I do think I might go to 2 loops next week.

Listening - day 5 ,

I had thought this morning of skipping today’s loop, however the fear of missing out and some moodiness caused me to act against my better judgment once again.

I ran 1 loop of DR Stage 1 at the lowest volume on my phone, +1 from silent.

In all honesty I should have skipped today, I woke up to a lot of sensations in my brain, slight fog and lack of mental clarity/focus. Having weekends off should help but I’m considering skipping Monday as I have enough to process for now.

I’m thinking the recon burst last night came on due to me not being congruent with DR. Not holding fast to my own decisions. Basically what @enigma12 said about listening to the sub. Acting in alignment, not doing it definitely causes recon and I feel it. Thanks for pointing this out man :slight_smile:

A lot of mental energy seems to be focused on boundaries, my moodiness is related to seeing just how bad my past has been regarding them. It’s truly mind blowing looking back with the DR filter and seeing such embarrassing, weak, supplicating behaviors.

I don’t feel as mad at myself, rather just sick and disgusted that I was so clueless and helpless. Utterly blind to my self deprecation exchanged for false acceptance. How I changed myself, oppressed myself, lowered/destroyed my own value for the benefit of others thinking it was benefitting me because I got attention…little did I realize it was negative attention, I was a metaphorical whipping post…in exchange for false inclusion in groups, I was the blind asshat that took all the punishment from others.

Too afraid to say no and lose connections, couldn’t form boundaries, couldn’t stand up for anything. No self respect, no wonder others never did. Self fufilling prophecy.

I swear it feels like I’m living 10/15 years ago at the moment. I want to find the 22 year old Geoff and tell him there’s a better way.

Damn…the damage to a boy caused from no father, it’s unbelievable.

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Glad you noticed this! It is going to enhance your results greatly w this sub for sure. The sub is about transformation and turning you into the man you want to become, so dont be surprised when it tests you during your run, dont fight it… Ive noticed a few things lately where it almost purposely made things tough for me to see if i was ready for the challenge and try to overcome it. The old me would of crumbled.

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Day 5 continued,

Drove to get groceries, while driving I was tearing up. I also had a little road rage, I guess just pure impatience and judgmental attitude towards others who were not behaving/driving the way I thought they should…as if I’m some all important authority…smh.

Walking around shopping I looked cold (neutral demeanor) and zombie like while shopping. It’s funny, my face felt void of expression but my eyes showed pain and discomfort.
I noticed that my walk and posture was quite pronounced, as I saw my reflection in random glass I was surprised. But I also felt positive about it, not ashamed like in the past.

Seemed like every time I was driving, my eyes welled up but tears never came. As I write this, I feel some semblance of pain(emotional) behind my eyes yet as usual, nothing happens.

So many thoughts and questions today. I’m utterly beat and I did pretty much nothing since I woke up. I can’t seem to pursue anything, I feel full, busy or just at capacity. I can’t even turn the TV on to watch anything, seems all I can do is sit here and contemplate.

3 loops this week in total, hard to tell if my current state is intense recon or over exposure. DR is going hard on me tonight, intellectually I have somewhat of an incapacitated feel. It’s quite challenging to recall much, to focus words.

I had planned on writing about some profound realizations I had earlier while driving yet now I couldn’t tell you the subject to save my life.

Oh well, it’s about midnight and I should be energetic and awake yet I feel the complete opposite. Maybe I’ll crash early. Lord knows my cup is full.

Edit:

Just saw this, it just fits this healing theme so well.

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@Geoff Thank you for this little but powerful clip. This will help me feel better about going through recon.

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Rest - day 6,

Fell asleep at 2am, couldn’t stay awake. Only to wake up at 4:45am? Annoyed as phuck. Now my schedule is basically 180, I hate when this shit happens.

Up after 2 hours and 45 mins, with a headache and pissy, aggravated mood.

Too many questions, not enough answers.

Note to self: You want to be a man, but you keep behaving like a boy.

When will my thoughts/identity translate into reality. There seems to be a disconnect here, I can think all day about idealism, about the best case scenario but if I don’t DO SOMETHING about it, it’s all for naught isn’t it.

I notice I use the excuse of self care or love and kindness inwards. When I’m feeling emotional, vulnerable or overwhelmed…I choose to indulge in comfort to offset the “pain” the “discomfort” …

But there is a fine line between treating oneself with compassion and cottling. If I had a father growing up, Do I think he’d tolerate the way I am now?

Well I can say with probability…No!

I don’t feel comfortable with the level I’m on. I am nowhere near where I used to be and Thank God but I get super sensitive to complacency and if I’m not constantly making progress, I’m quick to call myself a loser.

How can I better take stock of who I am, my progress and figure out If I’m worthy of praise and support or criticism and righteous indignation?

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