Conflict = a perceived imbalance. Fearful avoidants usually over give (to compensate for unworthiness) and under receive usually resulting in resentment which ultimately leads to lashing out due to frustration and inability to express boundaries and/or needs.
Damn…that’s real.
1 loop of Limit Destroyer @ 15 mins.
The more you learn, the less you know. The more you search, the more you find. The farther you go, the closer you get. A little bit of pain leads you to the source of it.
Empathy without self-respect will always lead to self-sabotage because you’ll always see the good in people, but you’ll use that as a way to justify them hurting you.
”Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.”
– Silvy Khoucasian
I am becoming painfully aware of the fact that I lack boundaries, physical and especially emotional. I’m honestly not sure. I try to think about situations in the past and it appears due to my dysregulation and existing in the sympathetic side of the nervous system majority of the time(outside self medicating) that my default response is either fawning(ppl pleasing/denial of self) or withdrawal.
Goals:
I’m starting to see how disconnected from self I am. LBH is really starting to show up in my mind as the tool I’m looking for. I can seeing all the possibilities forming, stack wise. The more I introspect, the more changes appear. I can see some stacks show up from an Ego standpoint, some from vanity and some from the lens of purification and Spirit and now from Love and the Self.
I’ll let my intuition guide…
Washout
I didn’t want to washout this early but it’s pretty obvious that I’m subliminally saturated at this time.
Lacking mental clarity
Reduced ability to concentrate and comprehend/absorb information
Comfort seeking through food and pmo
Introspective bombarding (many thoughts about many things, lacking organization)
Process and integrate.
Plus my 2nd neurofeedback appointment is later today and I guess I’m working all weekend too. I can definitely use this break.
My expectations for myself and the external are too much, maybe if I lived with more reasonable expectations, my success rate would improve generally speaking. Idk, this random thought just hit me while writing.
I had my neurofeedback appointment today. A little while after, I noticed my pants are looser than usual…kind of noticed yesterday too. Now I’ve ordered out probably 4 or 5 times since last week. And while my weight is actually up by 4 ish pounds, my waist is smaller.
Fat Burn has been in my Balance custom and I’ve had maybe 10 loops so far? I am starting to see that neurofeedback is facilitating regulation of my nervous system, which is lowering my elevated cortisol levels from being stuck in flight/fight mode all the time. Just having a mini session and today’s full session and I’m feeling less “on” , more calm and I think my body is actually becoming able to execute the scripting and I’m slimming down.
To see such a quick effect in regards to my nervous system state AND the subliminals execution is pretty awesome. I wonder if my “low flow factor” is because of me being in an alerted, hyper aroused state, not feeling safe subconsciously therefore impeding subliminal results thus far? It makes a hell of a lot of sense to me.
Perceiving the world as a threat near constantly can definitely bog you down, mentally, emotionally and physically. I know DR has led me to where I am now and I’m taking all this action with books, therapy and introspection/Journaling. How fascinating. I can’t wait to see how much better things get as time goes on.
Man, I was really wanting to focus on physical shifting, weight loss because I can’t stand it anymore but if the weight starts melting off due to a profound drop in stress/stress hormone levels then maybe I can focus on a different stack come June.
I’m not 100% but it’s 39 days till may 22nd (1 year) maybe I’ll just washout until then, maybe I’ll just go a week and then continue minus ascension chamber. I don’t know but I should give myself a decent washout after everything I’ve ran. 
what’s the more beneficial choice here?
I’ve noticed people interacting with me more. The guys at work all come and find me, communicating openly. Was at the barber today and people were just receptive and accepting, the energy/vibe has been different.
Was at the grocery store before work yesterday before my haircut and I went to the fast checkout(automated) and this cute girl was walking by, stopped and went to check out next to me but she looked confused and almost intimidated, walked away and went to the other self checkout…all while looking back over at me. Idk for sure but I think my vibe is changing, that “intensity” and my lack of “chill” I think is reducing and I’m appearing less hyper aroused/intense and the DR masculinity scripting is expressing.
I guess if your physical vibration is neurotic/erratic then how can subs express? If they do, it’s paired with unnatural or unattractive energy and therefore reads as incongruent right. It’s making sense now
The 10 core wounds of a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment.
I’ve been reading a book on integrated attachment theory and really trying to learn as much as I can on my style. So far I can really see how my behaviors are driven by these core wounds. I am full of mis/distrust and my biggest wound is fear of betrayal. I see how this wound causes so much strife in my relationships. How the way I behave is completely filtered through these lenses.
It’s crazy how automatic my life has been due to core programming issues as a child. The deep seated information in the limbic system is pervasive and powerful…I read that our conscious mind does not have the power to override our limbic system and that really explains the concept of self-sabotage. Our conscious mind wants one thing but our limbic brain system says no and we end up tripping ourselves into failure.
It’s been a weird week. I think I’m in reconciliation due to the emotional throws I’ve been going in and out of. I thought it was neurofeedback related but after research, this definitely is a sign of recon. I don’t know if it’s absolutely abysmal self esteem or what but I have a really hard time walking away from connections, even when it’s apparent it’s one sided or won’t work…I’m afraid to give up that “attachment”…it’s like I’m addicted to breadcrumbing. Or attracted to those who I guess validate the way I feel about myself, aka feeling unworthy of love or affection? I don’t know what else explains it.
I caught myself reaching out and fawning (playing nice and ppl pleasing attitude) to someone who by all signs really doesn’t have any interest in communicating…and I just kept asking questions and carrying the conversation while they just played the part. I’m amazed at how well I can read between the lines and how well I can see the dynamic…YET, I don’t do anything about it, keep it inside and go along because idk? I don’t deserve a healthy, mutual effort type of relationship with someone. It’s sick, it’s truly a deep, internal sickness.
I can remember but I think Billions told me Ascension would help with assertiveness and confidence. And I think LBH would help with my big self esteem wound. I’m feeling pulled to these two titles more and more.
I also still want to pursue my original plan of GLM/Wanted but deep down it feels more of vanity than anything else. Why attract attention when I have these wounds that’ll sabotage things eventually right. 
If nothing changes, then nothing in my life will change. Steady, nothing happens overnight. Stay on the washout, relax and keep moving forward. I am doing everything right, these rough days are just growth, nothing to run from, nothing to second guess or quit. I’ve come so far, keep going, the journey doesn’t stop after DR, it’s just the beginning, the foundation.
1 loop of Balance @ 7 mins and 1 loop of Therapeuo @ 7 mins.
After one week of washout, I think I’ll listen for the next two weeks then washout for a month and move into whatever ends up being the next stack.
Doing neurofeedback taxes my mind, it’s quite similar to how reconciliation comes on. It’s been challenging this past week trying to identify how I’m feeling, processing stuff ect.
All I seem to be focusing on is self love, self care and meeting my own needs vs. seeking satisfaction externally. It’s just a continually reoccurring thought pattern. My minds constantly bringing up LBH so I think LBH is going to be the next sub I listen to. It’s just being put in the forefront of my mind too much to ignore. The more I think about my behavior, the more I realize how important it’s aims are.
All the core inner wounds listed in the previous post…I can’t think of a better sub to address my deficits and wounds. I think Limit Destroyer would help with bypassing any resistance to self love and esteem repair.
DR has truly driven me to the doorstep of the next phase. I have to laugh, looking back at my perception and outlook, how I viewed myself and the way I treated myself. How against myself I was. How little I understood yet I thought I was quite informed. This stack has changed my perception of myself and helped me develop compassion for myself. I’m becoming my own advocate.
I used to self abandon, when ppl left me or rejected me, I’d take their side, I’d agree or simply follow along and reject myself too. The learned behaviors born out of traumatic life experiences are being exposed to me in ways I can understand and reconcile, the books I’ve been led to through this sub has really given me the understanding and I’ve gone from critical and punishing to understanding and compassionate towards myself.
It wasn’t my fault, but it is my responsibility. Getting out of sympathetic dominance is going to allow me to heal physically(Paragon hasn’t done much due to being stuck on 24/7) and will finally remove that intensity I’ve carried my whole life. Ppl always tell me how Intense I am, I started taking it as a criticism, a handicap socially. I finally understand where it came from and now it’s not going to burden my ability to exist with ppl anymore.
I’m amazed at how DR got me to where I am now. I’m not done, it didn’t magically just fix all my problems but I’m right where I need to be able to fix what needs fix. DR also removed a lot of baggage along the way, showed me where to go to fix the major stuff and it’s showing me the voids I have to address next. It’s all so mind boggling to think about.
I was a hyper vigilant, neurotic, traumatized and insecure guy who rejected, criticized and abandoned himself who sacrificed himself constantly for the benefit of others just to get a false sense of acceptance from ppl who couldn’t give a phuck about me.
Now, I understand the why and how and accept the past and am motivated to rebuild and restore. DR is one hell of a subliminal. Even when you don’t understand or think nothing good is happening, it is.
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”
― Lao Tzu
A big goal, unapologetically authentic 
Feeling a little slow tonight, foggy and less sharp. Woke up with messy bedding and one pillowcase was off one of my pillow. If I dreamt, I have no memory of it.
Driving to work felt surreal, I was either zoning out more than usual or couldn’t stay focused and alert.
Not sure I like the way I’m feeling
Lacking authenticity and overcoming self suppression in lieu of attachment - Gabor Mate’s work
Fearful Avoidant attachment style - Integrated attachment theory
Flight response trauma response strategy, hybrid type is flight/freeze - Pete Walker’s Cptsd book
Common themes are:
Perfectionism/safety.
Betrayal/distrust.
Hypersensitive to inconsistencies.
Hyper thinking as distraction from pain of abandonment.
Self critic.
Comfort in chaos/drama/problems. (relationships)
Inability to self regulate.
Negative self perception.
Isolationism.
Do it yourself lifestyle concept.
Obsessive-compulsive/dissociative behaviors.
External soothing sources.(nonbeneficial, drugs, food, sex)
---------------------------------------------------------------‐---------------
Looking for common themes. I know I’m using the right subs for now apart from neurofeedback. LBH is a given but what other missing links are there. What else besides self love, self esteem and it’s accompanied effects are needed in the future.
More contemplation is needed.
“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. – Jane Eyre
Balance @ 7 mins and Limit Destroyer @ 7 mins.
I’m going to change up my twice a week listening days with LD ran with each sub instead of Therapeuo/Balance on mon and LD on Thurs.
Now it’ll be Therapeuo/LD on Monday and Balance/LD on Thursday.
I only really have a week or two left so I don’t see any issue doing this.
As far as my weeks lately, I’ve been in an autopilot like, spaced out, less alert mode of existence but I know it’s due to neurofeedback and me waiting to find the correct or best training frequency and not related to the subliminals as my 1 week washout didn’t change much.
Hopefully as I end this journey next month and washout, neurofeedback will get dialed in and life will improve and I’ll continue on with the next missing link.
Therapeuo @ 15 mins and Limit Destroyer @ 15 mins.
I had an impulsive week last week, still working on finding the right training frequency but the moderate spaced out, disconnected brain fog has almost disappeared. Impulsive followed by compulsive actions were abound last week. As if I wasn’t registering the full weight of possible consequences of choices.
I have noticed better assimilation of subs since calming down nervous system wise, it’s like I’m better able to hear the sub and process. I decided to run the full 15 mins just to see how it goes and also because I’m about done with this stack.
I can’t make up my mind of what to run next. Thoughts are LBH/LD and then either Ascension, LotS or Remake my Balance custom by adding LotS with Paragon core and removing Purity Without as I’m not sure I’ve notices that module at all. It’d be 14 Modules total.
I know I need to get myself in shape, it’s bothering me. I’m not consistent in diet or activity, and my mindset/sense of self is in process with neurofeedback so I’m really just up in the air with what I want or need.
Motivation and drive is hazy, certainty and self is confused and I’m just here trying not to get any worse behavior/choice wise. Most days it’s like I’m on “ah, fuck it” mode and justify whatever. Basically a complete lack of thinking things through coupled with no real discipline or drive.
Not too sure where I’m going or what to do, just hanging on. Clarity will come sooner or later I guess. There’s just this angst and indifference within me that’s in defiance of what I should be, how I should be. By should, I mean being the best version of myself. What is in the way? Why am I so stuck in my ways? I guess this is the reason I’m going to run LD/LBH after washout. It’s as if I reject myself so I am impeding on my own success, my drive to be better. Esteem, confidence and self acceptance…I guess self love needs work, if I had it then I probably wouldn’t be dealing with this issue.
It seems like the same shit I’ve always had to deal with, it feels like an ancient problem. Maybe I’m finally ready to address it but I also feel low key doubtful because it’s been here since the beginning.
On the bright side I am calmer, that strung out high stress and anxiety isn’t here much at all but maybe I’m too calm and it’s flirting with apathy which wouldn’t be good either. I have noticed that drive to pursue understanding trauma, myself and reading all the books I bought hurriedly is waning. I’m becoming more passive and I can’t tell if it’s a side effect of neurofeedback or if it’s me changing from being hyper aroused to calm. Either way I’m not thrilled with who I’ve been this month. I wouldn’t say I’ve been lazy but disconnected…yes.
I’m starting to wonder who I am now as I don’t feel like I used to, so who am I now
I think that is expected on DR, on previous days I feel fatigue as my body is undergoing restructuring - its a good idea you have Paragon. Sleep and Eat is important. Just trust that your body knows what it is doing. There are emotional ups and downs, like I wanted to laugh, cry, get angry. I usually listen to DR before going to my meditation, it has a different effect than meditation-then-listen. The feeling of disorientation is normal, as your body will abandon that old self to become a much better one. When I’m on the company of difficult people I usually raise my vibes, and stay there (I don’t react to anything that is against me - don’t waste the energy.) I feel so much energy, I sleep well, and I also notice I’m forgetful on my old habits.
wow! u started DR last may. its almost been 12 whole months! Could u reflect back on ur journey? was it anything like you expected? anything that was unexpected?
The biggest things were the removal of so many b.s. beliefs, fears, hang ups, limits ect.
How I went from an overthinking, ruminating, neurotic and anxious state where my mind was always on…to a quiet mind was huge for me. It’s only gotten quieter and peaceful as I progress.
The maturity is big too, I truly went from feeling like a kid at 38, to feeling way more my age and also how I interacted with others.
DR led me to books which helped me understand how I was/am which led and pushed me to seeking therapy(neurofeedback in my case) and I’m so different compared to last year.
A lot of self image issues created by negative internal dialog is gone. I mean I can hardly recall a time in the past few months where I’ve criticized myself. Pre DR, I had a lot of self blame and criticism for myself…now, it’s not a part of my thoughts anymore.
Self expression, being able to say what I want, create boundaries has improved but I still need more work in this area.
The biggest changes are above but I also don’t people please anymore, I’ve gone from seeing value as external into more internal. I don’t self deprecate or put myself down/last for approval or acceptance. DR really helped kick this issue.
Body Language and posture changed a lot with DR, I noticed people would acknowledge me/my presence more since running.
I feel more solid in myself, self assured I guess? Not as wishy washy in beliefs, feelings ect. Quiet confidence around others.
I’m not 100% if it’s DR or my custom but I’m more patient/tolerant. I am less reactive to things, ppl, situations. General calm vs. Agitated anxiety before.
It’s been a long ride. I know what overexposure is as well, I learned how to pace myself, rest days ect. It’s been very much worth running. I am glad I did 3 cycles each stage. No regrets.
Limit Destroyer @ 15 mins and Balance @ 15 mins.
I’m not sure if there is a preferred way of listening to Limit Destroyer or not. Is it like rebirth or ascension chamber where it’s best to use at the end of stack?
I’m experimenting, last time I listened to Balance first then LD, now it’s LD first. Last weeks loops weren’t bad as far as recon, we’ll see how this way goes.
I’ll be honest and say I’ve been in a low level dissociative state the past 3 weeks due to neurofeedback. I don’t think it’s the therapy, I think due to my disorganized attachment, I’m both hyper aroused and hypo aroused. And the therapy addressed the hypervigilance and now I’m in the hypo state. Reading stuff on it really made sense, so I need to address it at tomorrow’s session. Hopefully I come out of this weird state I’ve been stuck in…it’s been challenging. I don’t really feel like myself, just lost in a daze, moving through my days in a weird autopilot like, hazy way.
I haven’t picked up a book in a week, no exercising either. I stopped binging this week but pmo has been awfully consistent these few weeks. I’m just stuck in a fog, what can I say.
I don’t know if this’ll be my last loop or if I’ll go another week. But I want to washout till June 1st, so I better figure it out soon.
I haven’t really felt any emotions, it’s been cordial interacting. I feel vacant most days. Not a lot of thoughts, though I zone out way too much.
I find Journaling difficult now that I don’t feel fully present and I hesitate talking about therapy as it’s not sub related but thought I’d just vent about stuff. I wonder, if I had to choose between being anxious and neurotic vs. How I am now, dissociative, calm and foggy…hmm, I’d rather be hyper aroused and neurotic. Sometimes I just feel so disconnected, at least before I was super present, now I’m hardly here. What a weird place to be.
I guess that’s all for now
Washout
I think I’m going to leave the rest of May for bloom. I’ve been going for a year basically.
Had a good neurofeedback session, hopefully the haze dissipates going forward.
I had no binging at all this past week and have been tight with my diet. Down almost 4lbs. I’m still 26lbs over my goal weight. It’s amazing how emotional states can wreck your goals/life.
I’ve been hypersensitive sexually this week, just seeing cleavage creates the urge to fap. It’s unusual and I wonder where it came from. I’ve been passive and indifferent at work, overly quiet. Coworkers say “shut up geoff” at lunch because I’m so quiet and non-participative. My therapist said things will continue to change as we progress, so I’m to have patience.
Life is pretty steady and I’m grateful, it’s easy to get pulled into micro problems and subjective idealism. It’s just been long, I’m ready to feel better…to feel whole and I’m on the right track. What a year