Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#605

So far so good on this washout. I sense a mini bloom with regards to feeling and noticing an increased masculine energy/vibe within. I also see my posture is really improved, I see myself autocorrecting before I’m barely even aware of incongruent positioning. Granted DR has posture scripture but The Aligner is also in my Balance custom so credit to both.

Had an army recruiter call, didn’t realize I’m almost too old but I almost effortlessly and politely rejected any possibility of interest. Normally I’d have been hesitant being so direct but not anymore. I also see my interactions at work, much more direct, less accommodating behavior. I don’t give so much of my time and attention as I did before because I didn’t want to come off rude, ect. Now I’m still not rude but much more on my own side now. Self advocating maybe.

You can tell how DR strengthens you internally. I was very externally focused, internally un-validated and as I’ve mentioned before in this journal, the desire to behave in ways that sought out external value is gone. I am my own source of value/validation. This was one of the greatest gifts I attained through DR along with the sense of Maturity I developed or embraced.

Amazing, amazing sub…that solid in myself feeling is building as the days go by. I really have no complaints nor regrets from running a year on this, the value I’ve received, I can’t put a price on it…how could I. I was a mess last year and now I’m … just better.

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#606

This bloom has been funny. I did not expect to feel such masculinity. My sense of self, internal confidence has shot up all week. My self image, how I see myself is really good. There is no negativity when I see myself, think about myself ect.

I have things I’d like to change, improve and I see those areas but there’s only supportive, solution based thoughts. No criticisms.

I go out and about and I feel calm and happy, I see others notice me more, guys nod at me more this week. I’ve had a few ppl notice me in a unexpected look, like they didn’t believe it kind of look. I think my aura must be nice. Females are either more secret with looking or I’m not noticing but I don’t think my vibe is attractive in that way but more a respect garnering vibe.

I’m pretty happy so far. Diet is still basically juicing all week and stir fry dinners on weekends. Weight is down to 143lbs from 156lbs 2ish weeks ago. Zero cravings for junk food. Only 1 m/o this week. No porn. Feeling strong, not susceptible or weak to influence.

Neurofeedback is getting better, less brain fog. I’m starting to see just how stuck on the sympathetic side I was. I’m calm, I can actually rest, I’m not as tense, not waiting for something bad to happen. It’s nice. Things are all coming together.

At work I’m less willing to listen, to gossip, to venting, to stupid questions. I don’t want to entertain low value anything. I’ve begun just adjusting my willing to engage, I don’t fill in the void of conversation nor do I put in effort to hold a conversation. I also stopped bring up topics because no one really wants to converse, they just want to talk and get validated. I don’t really care for it anymore. I feel like I’m rising above the mundane. If there’s no value in it, I’m not really interested. Just have to find balance so I don’t turn into a dick and alienate myself. Boundaries…Definitely need to use that in a custom.

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#607

The dichotomy of the mindsets is amazing. I can feel the contempt coming from goggins.

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#608

This past has been chaotic for me. I reached out to a girls I’d been talking to for a year, it had emotional attachment and basically was told it’d be best if we both moved on due to her stating she realized “our dynamic was unhealthy”. So I felt hurt and I felt the loss the past two days. It happened sat night and tonight (tues) I stopped feeling sad. After asking for clarification, I said my peace and walked away metaphorically.

Normally I would have taken longer to accept and let go. I’m not saying I’m 100% free from feeling everything but this is the quickest turn around I’ve had when it comes to disconnecting emotionally from something or someone. So I’m proud in that regard, DR has certainly aided me in this.

Now work has been slow, there isn’t enough to do. New guy lasted 1 night and left after a few hours tonight without a word. I have nothing to do tonight and it’s difficult just killing time. I’m getting frustrated and thoughts have been popping up, questioning my life. What I want to do, what I think I should do. My frustration lately is related to self respect and my environment. Thinking about what I tolerate and who. I’m feeling urges to lash out, step up and state things. I’m feeling this internal push, almost like a bully trying to wake me up.

I feel like I’ve been sleep walking somewhat in life. I’m 38 and my life has been stuck on “play it safe” mode. I’m good with pursuing as much security-related goals as I can, being prepared is good but I’m also living a timid and avoidant life. For many reasons.

As I contemplate my next stack, I know that self esteem, boundaries, drive, discipline, physical improvement, self worth/cultivating respect are dominant needs that keep asserting themselves in my consciousness. So I’ll be moving towards development in these areas next.

A lot of internal growth has happened. A lot of my mindset has changed, perceptions and self talk. Neurofeedback will be continued for the summer/fall until results are satisfactory. But I’m feeling an action oriented call now. I look at myself physically and the outside does not match the inside, so I need to pursue that.

I don’t feel congruent yet and that’s where the road continues on.

#609

Self-confidence is a person’s attitude about their capabilities and skills. A person with good self-confidence feels like they have control over their lives.

Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves.Self-worth is recognizing 'I am greater than all of those things. ’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.”

Emotional boundaries give you the ability to witness others’ emotions without taking their emotions into your bubble as your responsibility to react to, fix, or solve . They enable you to discern where your emotions end and another person’s emotions begin.

All 7 boundaries honestly.

These are important and I will need to start working on them next. These things are constantly on my mind and I feel are calling to me. DR has cleared the way and is showing me what is next. Congruence, Authenticity and Masculinity.

Working on the Self is priority.

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#610

May I ask which stage of Dragon Reborn you been running?

#611

Stage 4 followed by stage 4 custom. I’ve been on washout for the past 2 weeks. I ran each stage for 3 months basically

#612

Unlike with other titles, for me DR should not be done with too much activities since it will address the deeper part of us. Traumas and other emotional blockage will go to the surface and you may get angry along the way. And when these blockage are cleared, it is like you will feel empty. This is the best stage to include Love Bomb or any similar titles. Don’t rush when those emotions go up, as it sometimes takes time for the process to finish. I guess you reach that part too.

You are not intimidated on other people emotional bubble. Always be watchful on things that changed in you, and be thankful with it.

What is your plan after this?

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#613

Yeah I noticed how empty and quiet my inner world got through running DR. At first I thought it was “wrong”, I wasn’t sure what was happening…but I understand it now and appreciate the change/growth.

I am not sure yet. I wrote above some of the things pressing me, I know it’s masculinity and dealing with esteem, worth and confidence. So depending on the future title drops, most likely an alpha type sub to continue rebuilding into a complete man.

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#614

There seems to be a growing indignation in me. I feel sometimes…when slighted, an ember starts smoldering, compounding and growing. I don’t feel as easy going, I don’t seem to want to let things go.

I’m feeling urges to scorch earth situations. Is this immature impulsivity? Or am I just starting to embrace ownership in wanting to address injustices?

I’m feeling more and more doubt towards my job, why I work here and whether or not I should leave. There is an intensity, pushing, prodding me to take action but lacking guidance. It has an irrational feel.

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#615

“By desiring little, a poor man makes himself rich” Democritus —

The more I try to subtract from my desires, the harder I push for restraint the stronger the recoil in the opposite direction. I don’t get it, it’s like I’m fighting against myself and making everything worse the more I want to better my life.

I must have subconscious programming so damning from the past that all the intention I muster, is effortlessly rendered inert and used against me with ferocity. What it is it within my darkness that reviles any and all intentional action to remove desire, selfishness, unrighteous behavior and worldly pursuit.

The fact that I’ve rejected myself since childhood is becoming clearer the day I think. Why else would self-care, improvement and acceptance be such an issue. Why else would the things I push for, backfire so much.

Aside from LBFH, what else helps rectify rejection of self and all its consequences. LBFH helps with self love but that is not the direct goal, just a necessary step in order to facilitate love for humanity. I’d like to fully focus on Self. A sub that literally focuses on developing the self in the most complete and healthy way.

Maybe Rebirth would help, but paired/guided with what. I genuinely believe that my subconscious perception of myself is broken, why else would I be getting in my own way so harshly even though I’m consciously trying to better myself/life is so many ways.

I’ve been feeling so much self contempt, frustration at the choices I made, how I’ve lived my life, where I work, how much I’ve quit things in my life out of fear due to an over active limbic system. I’m just ridiculously frustrated :angry:. I’ve stopped living, I don’t think I’ve ever even lived in 38 years. It’s been one long coping strategy while hating and rejecting myself this whole time.

I have no zest for life, motivation is fleeting, inspiration is low. My tank is void of the fuel I need but filled with junk I don’t. I am everything I detest and nothing I respect.

So what’s next, what is the missing link I need to move forward into positive growth.

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#616

Maybe embrace your desires and then go about achieving them.

In personal finance, the “common wisdom” is to “Spend less than you make”.
Which usually leads people to cutting expenses and getting frustrated once they’ve cut out "nice to have"s and the only stuff left is actual necessities which can’t be cut. The moral there being there’s only so much you can eliminate.

A friend of mine says “Nah. Flip it. Make more than you spend, because there’s no limit to how much you can make.” Can always add more skills to increase earning power.

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#617

“The right question is usually more important than the right answer” – Plato

Does that mean the answer is in the right question :thinking:

#618

Yes. Every question presupposes the kind of answers it will yield.
Asking better questions leads to more-informed answers.

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#619

Did your run of Ascension inspire self care within you at all?

#620

Not sure. I mean, I’ve always liked my alone time. That’s my self-care. Or a cigar out in the front yard haha. I probably need more than one cycle of Ascension, but I wanted to put Emperor custom to the test.

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#621

Fair enough. I’m waiting for all these releases to happen before I start a stack but for some reason Ascension appears to be calling me and I’m not really sure why. The stuff I seem to journal about would point to LBFH and the sales page of Ascension does seem super attractive yet here I am being pulled to it. Still not sure if it’s intuition or something else. If it was intuition, would I be questioning/doubting so much.

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#622

Not sure if you saw all my journals today haha. Emperor/EoG4 custom, GLM, LBFH stack. It was a bit intense. LBFH and GLM was something @TheDerpinator suggested on that alpha thread I started.

HOLEE crap. I’m better now, and I can’t wait for the next sub day.

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#623

Heh, yeah I saw a few entries. You seemed stimulated, like your stack opened up pathways and you became more expressive and inquisitive.

Between GLM and Ascension, which one if you can tell/remember helped you with Inspiration/motivation in doing things you think about doing or know you should do.

#624

Hard to say. Since I’ve never ran either solo from each other until today.

I’m considering a custom of Primal, Ascension, GLM to cover a lot of alpha bases though.
I think GLM is just more focused on “being masculine and heal whatever needs healed for that”.
Ascension is broader, has body language stuff, and other things.

so that’s why I think they go great together.

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