Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#563

Another thing, I don’t know if you are an HSP but I am.

I spent a lot of time in the past wishing that I could become different so that I could perform better in the games and contests that I experienced around me.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. I learned a lot by trying to do that.

But I also learned that sometimes you need to take a long look at the game itself and ask yourself if this is the one you really want to choose.

The quick way I say this to myself is:

“I’d rather be the janitor in Heaven than a king in Hell”

and another one that came to me last year was:

“The fastest way to get a man to be a fool is to hold a Fool Contest and inform him that he’s losing.”

In other words, sometimes we’re wired to care more about winning (or at least , not losing)than to ask what exactly we are winning at!

If you lose at the big game of Garbage-Ball, you’ll still feel like a loser (because you did still lose); but in reality you’ve won.

Part of success for me as an HSP is to be clear on the contests and achievements around which I truly choose to strive.

To accept the crappy feelings that sometimes come as long as I know that I’m still on the right track.

To me, a person who is pursuing genuineness and meaning is playing the right game, and can’t lose.

It’s something I have to remind myself of regularly.

Social Reality is a powerful thing and if you’re not careful it can make you believe that the sky is supposed to be green and that the sun is flying in circles around a flat stationary Earth.

Not sure how much of this gets across.

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#564

Thanks @Fractal_Explorer & @Malkuth

I’ve read your posts twice, and I need to keep going back over to fully comprehend it all.

@Fractal_Explorer I am definitely averse to telehealth, mostly in how impersonal it feels and my schedule. I’d like to get brainspotting and neurofeedback and well it seems there’s a waitlist everywhere I go.

As far as emotional dysregulation and not feeling the emotions. I have a lag where an event occurs but I seem to react days later in a implode type response. Volatility. Maybe because I don’t know how to feel or express them. Your comment made sense.

Are you saying I should detatch from worrying about the world and it’s vain pursuits? Stop trying to make myself more like society or am I missing your point.

I am 11 months into DR, correct. Your posts tend to overwhelm my minds ability to cleary see your point and I find myself struggling. But I do relate to it even if I’m not 100% sure your exact meaning.

You’re right though, the increasing awareness of all these behavior patterns, traumatic roots and experiences is expanding and I’m just standing here in awe…wondering what to do.

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#565

Let me try to communicate more clearly.

Imagine this (ridiculous) scenario:

In Heaven, every year there is a contest. Let’s say it’s a race. Whoever wins the race, gets to be the “Number One Heaven Person”. It’s the same way all the way down the line. Whatever position you finish the race, that’s your ‘rank’ in Heaven. The “loser”–the last person–to complete the race–gets the lowest rank.

But think about it. Life in Heaven is infinite joy, satisfaction, and love.

And if you lose the race, and get the lowest status, where do you have the lowest status? In Heaven.

So, no matter whether you’re in first place or last place, you have won simply by virtue of already being in Heaven.

In other word, if you’re careful about choosing your game properly, you’ve already won and you can’t lose. You win just by being in that game.

The minimum salary of a 5-year NBA player is 2 million dollars a year. The maximum salary for an NBA player is 123 million dollars a year ( plus endorsements). So pretty big freaking difference.

But three things:

  1. The ‘worst’ player in the NBA is still much better than most players outside of the NBA
  2. The ‘poorest’ player in the NBA is still financially quite comfortable
  3. If you truly love playing basketball more than anything else, then you’ve won just by being anywhere in the NBA

Of course, most players would love to be Number 1. But it’s important to keep a sense of freaking context and to remember the above three points.

Now let’s imagine that you love playing basketball. Well, not everyone who plays basketball is going to be a law-abiding citizen. And there are actually many excellent basketball players in the prison system all across the United States.

So here’s the question:

Would you rather be the number one basketball player in the prison system? Or the lowest-ranked basketball player in the NBA?

That’s what I mean by ‘I’d rather be the janitor in Heaven than a king in Hell’.

By “Heaven”, I mean living a life that is true to yourself and that is based on values and views that are real and genuine to you. That you are following your path with Freedom. The day may be raining, the day may be sunny; but, whatever the weather, you’re on your journey. You are living your life.

By Hell, I mean that you have no idea who you are, what your feel, what is real for you. You’re living out other people’s dreams, you’re completely identified with views, values, and goals that have no deep relationship to your own experience. You’re basically a character in someone else’s story. Today is a good day or a bad day because someone else or Society tells you that it is a good day or a bad day.

That, for me, is hell. To be disconnected from my own Soul. To have no sense of inner connection.

There’s not much ‘should’ in any of what I’m saying.

I’m saying that if you’re in touch with yourself enough to be aware of your dreams, your values, and of how you feel, then you are lucky. You may not have brought all of your dreams into reality yet, but if you even have a growing sense of what your dreams and your path are, then you’re in the right game. Even if you feel like sh*t on some days; you are actually still winning. Because your course is correct, your direction is right. Everything else is just details. Of course, the weather’s going to change every day.

And that brings up the second point, which I also didn’t state that clearly.

One reason that you have had some challenging feelings and perceptions (Subjective) is that you intentionally chose to undergo the trial of Dragon Reborn (Objective).

It’s like people who do Marathon training. Once the pain level goes above a certain threshold, life and the world just feel subjectively terrible. You start questioning everything. “I never should have dated that girl” “I never should have worked at that job” “I never should have been part of this family”.

Subjectively it looks like life itself sucks. All people suck. Every government sucks. And there is no hope for humanity as a whole.

Objectively, what’s actually happening is much more specific than that. Your legs really freaking hurt, and your heart, lungs, muscles, and brain are working like crazy to keep you going.

Once pain or discomfort go above certain levels, our ability to make accurate objective judgments just completely tanks.

That’s when it’s (a little bit) helpful to remember, ‘What I’m experiencing is subjective. It’s NOT objective.’

It looks subjectively like life on earth has no meaning and that my life has no meaningful direction, but what’s actually (objectively) happening is that my ass and lower back are hurting.

Alright, just ended up rambling again. Let’s see if this version was any clearer.

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#566

So, Authenticity and Congruence. Pursuing yourself and all that it entails vs. Living an externally dictated life?

I think I got the connection.

Understanding my position in this process and not letting myself drift into rigid objective thinking based on a subjective lense?

Thanks, I’ll be integrating this for awhile.

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#567

Yes, and particularly not doing so because of a subjective lens that is in response to a challenging and rigorous personal growth program like Dragon Reborn.

Instead, hold onto your hat and trust the process.

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#568

Any idea what that would look like? Maybe reducing doubt, making blanket statements or just stop trying to take the wheel so to speak?

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#569

Imagine this:

You’re traveling through space, in some advanced craft. Almost as though you are an explorer from a non-Earth planet. You are utterly safe, comfortable, and confident as you explore the Cosmos. You must be from some advanced civilization because all of your needs are utterly met, and you feel no worry about what you will find in your travels.

What you feel most of all is: Curiosity.

And you notice the planet Earth looming in the distance. ‘This is going to be good’, you think, as you direct your craft closer and begin to descend through the atmosphere of the planet.

Drawing closer to the surface, you trust that your craft’s cloaking technology is effective and that you will cause no disturbance to any of the Earth inhabitants.

As you cruise silently, you notice one human that you can see from a distance. It’s one of the males. He’s sitting looking into the screen of a laptop. Peaceful, focused.

‘What a miraculous species’, you think, noticing the characteristic bilateral symmetry. The two legs, the trunk of the body, the two arms, the fur covered top portion with the eyes, the nose holes, the ear apertures. Yes, it’s a standard human. And, truth be told, you quite like them.

You observe for a while, noticing the unique features and characteristics of this one human male. His surface coloring, the texture and shape of his head-fur, the dimensions of the body, and the focused gaze of the eyes.

As you observe more, you find an interesting thing. You can sense the thoughts and the feelings of this human. That’s not so unusual, because you are generally able to sense and feel the experiences of other beings, but in this case, it feels so much more vivid, and detailed. You can sense his memories, you can see the computer screen through his eyes. You start to notice and explore even more of his consciousness. You can sense his memories, and his past. The confusions and the connections as he has learned about the world and created an identity, step by step. You can sense his hopes and his insecurities and his fears. You can sense his amazing potential, and also the doubts that he sometimes holds about that potential. You smile as you sense his humor and as snatches of his favorite music float into your awareness. What an amazing empathic journey this is. Earth is as much fun as you’ve always imagined it would be.

The main thing that you feel more and more as you connect to this young man’s experience is a sense of compassion, support, and encouragement. You want to tell him, ‘you’re doing it! keep going!’ And you decide to do that. You concentrate your mind and you will a beam of encouragement, compassion, love, and hope to go from your mind into his mind.

It works!!! You can feel the connection. And as you beam that encouragement, you can see the muscles on his forehead relax. He looks up from the screen and he takes a deep, cleansing breath. “That’s it!” you silently think to him, ‘Feel the energy of the atmosphere. And connect to your deep resources and potential. You are living your life. You are loved and I love you.’

You can feel the healing effect of these intentions on the young man. It looks like he’s enjoying the vision of the sky for the first moment in a very long time. He continues to breathe and he continues to heal.

And then…

The oddest thing happens.

It is well-known that Earth humans are not yet advanced enough to leave the planet and explore as you are doing.

Yet this particular human next turns his head and looks unerringly in your direction. It’s almost as if he can see you, although you remain cloaked. He looks straight into you and smiles.

And that’s when you realize:

He is you.

And ascending, you continue on your journey…

What comes next?

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#570

1 loop of Limit Destroyer @ 15 mins.

Off for the rest of week, going to process, integrate and chill.

P.s. @Malkuth, I don’t know where you come up with these explanations and stories but thanks, you’re awesome.

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#571

I know this was for Malkuth but I just wanted to lend my experience. This stuff is hard. If you’ve only had yourself to rely on and validate your experiences unfortunately that’s going to be a reflection of how you were taught to feel about your emotions. It can be a screwed up cycle when you’re in the depths of it.

What to look out for. Thoughts that affirm the future based on the past, this is a tough one. I’ve mentioned it a lot but it can be insanely difficult for some people to visualize a positive future when they don’t even have a strong foundation to begin with. I consider it the safety net. Most people when they try and fail fall back into a safety net. Whether that’s friends, prior emotional validation in childhood that built resilience, or their parents there’s something there. Other people lack that safety net, one slip and it’s down into the freefall. You’re constantly worrying about the abyss you can plummet into at any point in your life. It can be very painful when it happens.

Another one is over magnification of the negatives. I’m guilty of this. In the thick of all of it, it can feel like there’s something fundamentally broken in us. But it’s really just a difficult problem we’ve had placed on our shoulders and not a moral failing. We deserve compassion, not criticism. You’re doing all the right things with seeking out therapy and it definitely does suck how limited the access can be.

And finally, you’re on a forum with incredibly like minded people striving towards growth. Sometimes sharing how you really feel here can act as a sort of reorientation or snap you out of those freefalls.

Feel free to tag me if you ever have something on your mind. These experiences you’re going through aren’t uncommon, but it can feel isolating.

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#572

So I had an unexpected appointment for neurofeedback this morning. I was on a waitlist then out of nowhere and 8am opened up.

It was pretty cool, only had 20 mins, the rest of the time was intake, questions and testing. I feel confident in this therapy. My biggest struggle is dysregulation and emotional repression. Fearful/avoidant attachment and how that affects my behavior in situations.

I found an “online school” for attachment. Courses all about it and how to do the work and change into secure. It’s the first time I’ve heard anyone sayd fearful avoidant could be changed. Neuroplasticity right? Unless it’s just a sales technique… but I don’t feel so hopeless about it now as if you read about FA’s you’d see how terrible it is being with one. I totally understand why my relationships have consistently failed now.

Things are looking up. Though the person I hurt still doesn’t want to talk to me (I reached out just to say I started NF) barely got acknowledged. I’m trying to detatch, I still get anxious about it but you reap what you sow.

I woke up late and have so much to do.

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#573

Looks like a great manifestation/guidance in the right direction from DR. Happy to hear things are looking up.

And yeah those avoidant labels suck. You got this. The DSM is lagging behind in the complexity of things like emotional neglect and CPTSD.

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#574

I agree, the sudden availability of an appointment with less than 24 hr notice when I was told she was full until may is definitely a manifestation. I also give credit to The Lord as I believe he answered my prayers by sending me to subclub :slight_smile:

Do you know your attachment style? If so, Have you noticed how much much it affects your behavior in certain situations?

When I listened about disorganized attachment, I was blown away by the cause and effect correlation to my childhood traumatic experiences. Awareness really increased.

Aldo, with your Wanted custom. Have you noticed any specific modules activating for you? Have you noticed Naturalizer or Fenrir for example, Manipulus?

Would you say Wanted has been a good move for you in lieu of the cptsd? Would you say it’s more positive than negative?

I want to run Glm/Wanted next but part of me is apprehensive about attracting attention when I’m obviously not at a place to engage in a healthy way. But just because I’d be running Wanted doesn’t mean I’m obligated to accept or entertain interest right.

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#575

Yup fearful-avoidant here. Oh it’s colored my whole life. People that don’t live with this don’t get it. It’s straight torture to watch yourself either self destruct a relationship or push people away when they try to get to know you. I was actually writing a letter to my therapist about this so go figure. But it primarily shows up in situations as me being unable to be in myself and calculating everything I say or do. On the extreme level it just leads to outright avoidance, like ceasing to put myself in any type of scenario that could potentially build a new relationship. So many people view these issues from a secure attachment style so of course they can’t fathom how the simple solution of opening up more is the exact opposite of what a fearful-avoidant has been driven to do. I’m well aware of how irrational my behavior is or how it’s not based in concrete facts, but I’ll continue to carry out a self fulfilling prophecy that results in my own self-isolation.

Naturalizer, not so much. But I actually wouldn’t expect myself to notice that one given what it’s supposed to do. Manipulus absolutely, it helped me analyze potentially manipulative behavior without that familiar gaslighting I get caught in of doubting my own intuition. I actually can notice most of my modules activating and how they present themselves. If I had to list the ones I felt are activated the most I’d say
Rogue, Fearsome, Furious Ascent, Merger of Worlds, Manipulus, Natural Winner, maybe inner voice. Interestingly enough I notice that WANTED itself doesn’t always activate as strongly as these.

I’d say that yes, as painful as the journey has been at times WANTED is continuing to have a positive effect on me. I personally use it as a deep self growth title. I was drawn to WANTED for this point alone

He is not afraid to be truly human – he embraces his human nature, his imperfections, the mysteries and flaws of human existence while striving towards excellence every step of the way… his way.

I’d say follow your intuition. You want to run those programs for a reason. Sometimes the greatest healing is through experiences. I no longer run healing in isolation because there never seems to a be a point of “good enough”, so I end up in a neverending loop of preparing myself to be good enough for the world without experiencing the world. It’s been a loophole I’ve found in every single subliminal healing title I’ve used through the years, even prior to subclub.

So I guess what I’m saying is make sure you have a concrete goal of what engaging in a healthy way is for you. Sometimes we can’t hit that healthy way until we actively practice in real life situations.

But yeah just because you run WANTED doesn’t mean you’ll be forced to engage in these relationships. I know it might seem strange to some people that I’m running this title without taking action on that part, but it’s a slow progression. Like you I recognize my behaviors aren’t healthy and I’m trying to transition into it in such a way it’s more stable vs this careful balancing act I feel like I’m gonna fuck up at any moment.

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#576

Man I totally relate. After this year of foundational healing/clearing I want to transition just like you’re doing. Lol, I didn’t realize you had the same attachment style as me. I always felt like F/A was rare but then again look at society…probably more than I realize.

You’re definitely right, our ability to blow up anything is impressive if it wasn’t so damaging. And the self isolation to avoid triggers is ridiculous. I’m basically a hermit in plain sight because I either can’t tolerate anything but being alone or I damage everything I touch so to speak.

Took a HSP quiz, apparently I resonate with that too but I’ve had enough of the labels. If I can get myself regulated and start understanding my attachment deeply then possibly I can’t learn to control the “crazy”, be less impulsive.

I appreciate the lengthy reply. I most definitely relate.

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#577

I’ve found people with CPTSD or F/A attachment style are abundant on the Internet. It makes sense, you can interact with people and dip your toes in the water without feeling that pressure of actual real life relationships. It’s the perfect distance for them without having complete isolation.

Yeah I’m hsp too. Along with ADHD. But even more confusing is ADHD brains are inherently more sensitive so there’s a lot of nuance. But I’ve thrown away labels as well, I just focus on what I want and how to get it. I’m no longer trying to beat these labels like I did in the past, I’m just not giving them as much weight and it seems to help.

And you’re welcome for the reply. You’re definitely not alone in this struggle. Your approach seems solid and I hope it gets you where you want to be.

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#578

1 loop Therapeuo @ 15 mins and Balance @ 15 mins followed by Ascension Chamber @ 7 mins.

First the time in awhile, I have nothing to say.

#579

Autonomy is impossible as long as one is driven by anything.

…How foolish I was when I was a puppet.

#580

Behind all our anger lies a deeply frustrated need for truly intimate contact.

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#581

Self-Sabotage = the Conscious and Subconscious going in different directions.

Interesting way to put it that I heard tonight. You can be consciously wanting something or someone yet subconsciously you’re acting in ways to protect yourself and therefore getting in your own way, ultimately sabotaging your conscious desire.

Incongruent alignment due to trauma wounds not consciously aware of. False beliefs? I’d say more like a reoccurring response to a true threat that is no longer present. Like being stuck in fight or flight, freeze or fawn modes everytime a present situation triggers a past events response.

Man…I sure hope this neurofeedback addresses this very thing. It’s hard to fix Subconscious programming, autonomic nervous system conditioning since childhood. But healing subliminals + neurofeedback should be just what I am looking for.

The clarity I’m gaining is awesome, understanding helps but ultimately I believe conscious intentions only go so far. Subliminal reprogramming is underrated for sure.

While I’m here, I should say that I’m definitely in reconciliation. The past few days have been foggy and I’ve been emotionally irritable. Triggered honestly. Ordered out food from uber eats the past 3 nights, definitely comfort seeking. Some pmo as well. I accepted its recon and didn’t attack myself for it which is good, I’m letting it all go at its pace.

It’s wild how “strong” ascension chamber makes my stack. It seems to crank up the intensity by a lot. It’s hard to really comprehend what it does but everything is just more intense when I run it.

I think after Limit Destroyer tomorrow, I’m going to skip a week. I’ve been trying to just run 1 loop a week this month until may but I can’t even do that. I’m wondering if I should even stop DR at 1 year or let it ride. Seems like I’m just getting started, why move on? Maybe it’s just the recon talking.

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#582

I wonder…can you consciously reprogram your subconscious?

I mean, if that were true, why would subliminal technology exist?

I’ve been watching this channel talk about attachment theory and their online program based on cognitive behavior therapy, where you can consciously reprogram your subconscious and “fix/change” your attachment style to secure.

Reading it all, listening to the vids all feels warm and positive, it gives you a sense of hope and makes you want to purchase a membership so you can “do the work, and change” but at the end of the day, can it really be done in this way?

People change through consistent action, small steps each day. 21 days to break a habit ect. Is there a difference in effect between building a new habit vs. Changing an old habit?

Lots to think about, but I need to stay mindful that everyone, everywhere is selling something at the end of the day.

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