Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#543

Emotional dysregulation and emotional flashbacks. I wish I would have learned about these before I blew up shit since saturday.

Filled with shame and trying not to attack myself over my actions. I’ve apologized to those I’ve lashed at, giving space as well.

It all feels like such a plague. Awareness of my self and restraint of action when emotionally compromised will help prevent damage. I hope I can stay conscious of this. I’m having a hard time concentrating and internalizing things.

This is all so exhausting :sleeping: I feel like Limit Destroyer broke the dam and all this shit is pouring out.

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#544

Balance @ 15 mins and Therapeuo @ 15 mins with Ascension Chamber @ 7 mins at the end.

As much as I’m feeling tired of the healing, it’s important to finish strong. I’m getting really decent results from Balance as far as diet control, energy levels and some weight loss. I’m working with this low level urging to work out too.

LD definitely broke through something and Stage 4 is coming through harder. All the books, podcasts and cptsd videos combined is packing a bunch on my psyche though if I’m honest my general mood day to do is pretty consistent.

This weekend was triggering pain from the past and my social interactions suffered but I’m working to repair the damage.

I think I might just run 3 more loops of each(week) for the rest of April and washout for all of May or longer. I’m getting that vibe but I want to run LD a few times then let it all process long term. My low flow factor with DR still amazes me.

I think I might pursue neurofeedback therapy instead of emdr now that I have so many checks for cptsd. Emdr seems more effective for a solo event vs neurofeedback, dysfunctional brain pattern management. I just want to be able to live a healthy/whole life and stop limiting and isolating myself out of fear of getting triggered and blowing up my life.

That is all

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#545

75 Kettlebell swings done.

I Trimmed my beard to #4, but it looks like it’s gone since my color is so light. Feeling impulsive since I ran my loops earlier. Sped home going 90 which isn’t insane but unnecessary.

I remember what gabor mate said about how children think everything is about them, if something happens they think/believe it’s their fault. Internalizing and personalizing. I realized driving home that I do that still. I internalize and personalize others actions and end up blowing up relationships or connections or conversations due to being dysregulated. It’s like my stress response system is still stuck in childhood and anything that triggers my wounds causes negative behavior, most of which happens outside of my awareness until after the fact.

Big thanks to DR for getting me to the place where I am able to understand this, now needs to come action. I need to get this resolved or nothing will change in my life.

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#546

I do an offshoot of EMDR with my therapist called ART. We do it for multiple events. I think EMDR does have a lot of applications for multiple events like in CPTSD. Not to persuade you from the neurofeedback but EMDR is pretty flexible in the right hands.

Also if you haven’t read up on IFS a therapist trained in that could be really helpful as well. I found the parts model really explained the inner workings of my mind.

In any case therapists are definitely a huge help. The independence I would pride myself on for years turned out to be a mask for my intense fear of interpersonal relationships. Took me a while to get there though. So if you find difficulty validating your own emotions at times, I think it’s equally important to find a therapist that can provide that and doesn’t just rely on a tool or rigid curriculum.

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#547

I’ve shrank my life down into basically nothing for the same reasons. 3rd shift, live aline, no relationships all because I want to avoid pain. To avoid being triggered. Isolation only makes it worse even if it feels safe.

What is IFS? I reached out to the only neurofeedback therapist in my area and woke up to her reply that she’s full, lol go figure. I looked at brainspotting which came from emdr as well but never heart of ART?

I’m not sure what to pursue as in my adolescent days I was basically shoved into cbt for years by my mother and it never did much of anything. So I feel a lot of resistance towards seeking therapy outside of a specialized therapy.

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#548

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. I really like it because a lot of therapist who practice IFS understand you can’t push for change. They actually have a term for it, system backlash. The whole premise of IFS is you have individual parts in your mind each fulfilling a role. You work with parts individually. Some of them serve protective roles, some are just stuck and wounded. So if all the parts aren’t on board for change or exploring feelings you either find out who’s blocking it or take a more gentle approach.

Oh man I despise CBT. When done well it has potential but far too often therapists lean on the technicals of CBT and treat it as rigid coursework vs exploration. Your resistance is valid. These are incredibly difficult issues to address because the nature of them can cause you to hide or deflect from the therapist. Having a therapist informed of CPTSD is a must, it’s surprising how many aren’t.

The most important thing is consent within your own mind and taking things slow. Far too often people who struggle with this stuff have a habit of disregarding their needs and pushing. But the pushing is just further re-traumatization vs growth. It can actually be harder to learn your own limits and grow within them vs dissociating and just autopiloting everything.

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#549

I relate a lot to your experiences. You seem like you have a great therapist. I’m basically near Grand Rapids, MI and there is not many good therapists. Decent amount who do emdr, neurofeedback only one and not covered by insurance. Found a few who do brainspotting. But so far my lifestyle is not conducive time wise to most places. I Definitely feel stuck. My biggest issue is dysregulation in situations where I’m not alone. I realize just how uncomfortable and ineffective I am around others longer than a short time.

Searching for a therapist is frustrating here, I want to just stop trying but that won’t do anything good.

Thanks for all the information man.

1 Like
#550

Reading when the body says no by Gabor Mate…on pg. 78 there is a description of how/why a child develops a high intellect that holds them because there emotional environment cannot.

That high intellectual development/maturity allows those kids to relate to adults and the feedback to parents on how well mannered, smart and mature their kids were.

I was one of these. My mom would always get praise for how good, mature, behaved and respectful I was. However emotionally, I am extremely immature. Undeveloped, neglected and down right lacking. I always wondered how I could be so strong in one dimension and completely defunct in the other. This chapter really clicked for me.

Personality really is just a collection of behaviors developed from childhood experiences. We as a species really do not understand just how important childhood is. I look at myself, all my challenges, all the struggles I go through…to think if my childhood was just a little less toxic, I could have had a completely different life.

There’s moments of deep sadness, of deep frustration seeing how much life I’ve lost already. Seeing how much effort I’ve put into hiding from my own life, how many potentially good things I’ve destroyed for myself…all stemming from semi-unconscious behaviors driven by psychological wounds created from traumatic childhood experiences. :cry:

This shit is not a game, I hold so much resentment towards my neglectful mother and completely absent father. I know they have their own trauma, their own histories but seriously…the damage is real. My whole life is one big regret. I’ve been stuck in a series of trauma loops blowing up my life in various ways ever since childhood. I’m grateful for where I am now, the opportunity to work on all this…but damn, what a lot to take in. What a lot to accept.

I kinda get why I’m feeling sick of healing now, it’s all coming at me now, it’s getting intense. I’m getting inundated borderline overwhelmed. Everything is clicking, connecting…yeah, I need to get outside help for this. DR has brought me to where I need to be and I wouldn’t be at this point if it wasn’t for subclub.

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#551

I find that the subjective world and the objective world are equally valid; but they require very different skills for navigating effectively. At the same time, each offers important context to the other.

Like an inhale and an exhale both are needed in order to have a beneficial, complete cycle.

Right now it seems that your intense, ongoing work with healing is fueling intensive internal growth and processing, but also, connected to these, upheaval and instability. These would primarily impact the subjective channels. One challenge is to remain grounded in the objective without using it to escape from the subjective.

Connecting to the intensity but not over-reacting to it.

Kettlebell swings, runs, walks would help. Dancing. Listening to emotionally-grounded talks from wise fellow-walkers of the terrain.

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#552

It seems all the content and resources I’m drawn too is also consuming me like a wave. I feel internally immature, hyper active mentally and boiling with intensity just under the surface, waiting for that trigger to facilitate a blow up.

I keep trying to step back, take a break or just stop trying but I keep getting pulled into information and it all compounds into my brain melting 🫠

Adding Limit Destroyer just opened the floodgates man, Idk how to ride this wave. I feel embarrassed with every post I write all of a sudden.

But hey, at least I’m physically energized and have this desire to exert myself in a positive fashion. I’m not craving any junk food and fantasizing about fasting. So it’s not all bad right

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#553

The heart remains a child throughout life. And it’s supposed to. There’s no shame in that. It keeps us open, connected, dynamic, alive, engaged. This is hard work, and real work. The work of vulnerable engagement.

But it needs the support of the other parts of you. You don’t need to turn it off. You need to support it.

This is probably what the character of Frodo represents in The Lord of the Rings. The Power of Vulnerability. To face–with tears and pain–the difficult realities of our lives. And the other parts of us exist as well with their contributions–the tough warrior, the stalwart friend, the wise sage, the clever agile adept. They are all there in us. Society rewards the ‘impressive’ parts and scorns the ‘weak’ parts. But they are actually all there to advise and protect that vulnerable heart. That so-called weak and vulnerable heart is the doorway through which spirit, life-giving energy, and purpose enter into our world.

Feel the pain. And cry. And breathe. And stand.

Know that the trembling, the fear, the doubt; these ARE your strength.

Remember: you were born for this journey.

The tears, the determination, the bullshit, the insight. The confusion. The mistakes. The failures. The triumphs. They are all parts of you.

You are all of this.

You belong here.

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#554

Thanks Malkuth, that’s a righteous reply if I’ve ever seen one. :pray:

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#555

If and when you feel like it.

Create your own version that is perfect for you.

Your mission and your manifesto.

Subject to change. You can update it when you like.

Defy the void. And dare to talk back to the voices of shame.

‘I may not be able to beat you, but you can’t beat me either!’

‘I may not be able to ignore you right now, but you can’t ignore me either!’

#556

75 Kettlebell swings done.

So many thoughts and ideas, my mind is in overdrive but my body wants to chill.

I keep wanting to buy books, for some reason I struggle reading at home. However I read a lot( a few chapters) at work in between run times or during my lunch break. I’ve done audiobooks with audible before but I can’t tell which format yields better assimilation. Should I move into audio books again or stay with the physical copy. If I was at home, an audio book would not get played any more than I’d read a physical book. I don’t have a comfortable area/set up for reading…maybe I should figure that out. For some reason the idea of a big ass bean bag(remember those) is appealing when I picture comfortable reading place. And a lamp…something cozy.

I was reading about the stages of trauma therapy.

  1. Stabilization
  2. Processing
  3. Reprogramming

It appears that emdr and brainspotting belongs to stage 2 and that self regulation modalities( i.e. neurofeedback) is recommended for stage 1. According to the therapy model.

I’m on a waitlist for NF, maybe opening in May. But possibly able to work with brainspotting sooner. Would I be setting myself up incorrectly by theoretically going to stage 2 first? Lots to think about…

I’m definitely taking a sleep aid, my mind is way too active today.

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#557

Happy week of Passover, for all those who know what the King did for us, let us forget not. :dove:

#558

Sometimes I feel so silly worrying about all my problems, making every little thing such a big deal in my life. I think a good humbling is needed every year. :relieved:

Forgive them all, let it all go. Does it really matter.

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#559

Note to self: 150mg shroom microdose can be a little much for work.

Only me and two other guys, for some reason shrooms make me feel cold but I know I’m not actually cold, it’s messing with my nervous system.

Taking on empty and only drinking fresh juice doesn’t temper effects. Music hypes everything, especially melodic ambient chill type music.

Weird night, ups n down, floating from one theme to another. I feel awkward but I’m not making any mistakes. Let’s keep it :100: or less next time.

#560

50 Kettlebell swings, 10 min vibration plate done.

I wonder, can a subliminal in general, “heal” a hyper vigilant nervous system. Since I seem to struggle regulating my emotional core and ruin basically every situationship I come across (given enough time) is it possible for scripting assimilated by the limbic brain/subconscious to “fix” that problem. Could in theory my own mind re-regulate itself.

I’m seeing more and more evidence pointing to irregular brain activity stemming from trauma. So if one has irregular brain activity, is subliminal technology even capable of facilitating change or is psychophyisiological intervention like neurofeedback needed.

Maybe it’d do me good to stop thinking for awhile.

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#561

Are you looking for in person therapy? Or would you be open to telehealth? That might open some more doors for you. I use telehealth and at first I was hesitant but it’s been fine. In fact since I’m in a familiar environment I let my guard down more than if I had to go to an office or someone’s personal practice.

I can say that these subs have helped with emotional regulation a lot. The irony for me though is the emotional dysregulation was due to not allowing myself to feel them.

For example here. This is a lot to unpack. The resentment towards your parents. How do you feel about yourself when you consider your needs didn’t get met? This is like the meta emotion behind pain. I’m guessing it’s difficult to provide your own self compassion for having gone through that.

I understand though. It can be a gut punch when all of it surfaces. A lot of it is grieving.

DR is a hell of a sub. I got shook once and never returned to it. Personally I view it as an above and beyond healing sub. Something to run once a foundation is firmly established and you have the self support and your own system of taking care of yourself when stuff gets hard. DR really shined a light on how I didn’t have that. I ended up reducing loops to the point where it was kind of ineffective because I was spending more time recovering from really bad reconciliation than growing.

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#562

This.

I was just logging on to say some other version of this exact same point.

And this.

This is part of what I mean by being able to distinguish the Subjective from the Objective.

@Geoff

If I’m not mistaken, you’re something like 10 or 11 months into a Dragon Reborn journey.

That’s the Objective part.

The way you’re feeling and thinking about your life and how your life is looking to you right now.

That’s the Subjective part.

It’s almost like the ability to know that you’re intoxicated while you’re intoxicated. You feel it completely and none of it is reduced. But with enough practice, you can hold a certain part of your mind that understands what is going on at the same time that it’s happening.

Here’s a humorous take by Mark Twain on the exact same Subjective/Objective phenomenon:

image

This is a clever satirical comment on our tendency to ignore how external/objective factors are shaping our internal/subjective experiences of life.

In other words, part of why your life seems so difficult is that Dragon Reborn is doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing. It’s making you more aware of things that were actually there the whole time. It’s expanding your capacity to accommodate more of what’s going on in your mind. At first that seems like a setback. Later, you realize that it’s strength. The parts of you that experience pain are the exact same parts that will experience pleasure, joy, and meaning.

Fortune Cookie version:

When you open the locked rooms of your mind, at first all you notice are the cobwebs, the dust, and the grime. As light and fresh air begin to circulate, you gradually come to realize that you’ve been living in a mansion this whole time and did not know it.

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