Eliminate hope and you gain clarity.
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Therapeuo @ 15 mins followed by Balance @ 15 mins plus Ascension Chamber @ 7 mins.
Decided to run all 3 at full loops for the week. I kind of want to kick my own ass so to speak. I have approx 7 weeks left until I hit my 1 year with DR. I want to start maximizing exposure. Twice a week still feels like too much so Iāve rationalized one full loop each, once a week as most effective but who knows.
Iāve been living more authentically this past week, being more open and honest and I have to say good things are happening. Itās like setting intentions and just stepping back allows your desires to manifest. Outcome independence + authenticity. Iām starting to understand on a deeper level.
I did have a cheat day Saturday, I could feel a little sense of loneliness and/or boredom and I bought a snack. But that was it. Much more mild than times past. Stayed away from books, podcasts, childhood and trauma subjects as it was overwhelming me. Itās been an unproductive weekend as far as growth but I needed a break.
I finally got my house wired for a generator and got one as well, so that goal has been accomplished. There is not much left on my list now.
Iāve had this weird state where Iām not really interested in pursuing much. I donāt feel the drive to pursue a therapist, nor go after goals or make appointments ect. It all feels inconvenient. I donāt think itās fear, just burdensome and I donāt want to bother. Iāve been trying understand what this is, if itās just me or some kind of bad habit. Iām just almost not interested in doing more than necessary but itās not laziness. I guess I donāt see value in things anymore. I think Iām just checking out, I think Iām sensing something I donāt quite fully grasp but my behavior is more on point than my conscious mind.
Things I used to want. Things I used to value, all going away. The vanity of life is leaving. I feel drawn to simplicity, minimalism but in a Spiritual way. Purityā¦detachment and the want to disengage but also divest. The Revelation subs appear to be calling me.
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Disassociation, I donāt want to identify with all the labels I used to adopt. Labels feel like limits, self imposed and things Iāve used to justify inaction. Telling myself I couldnāt or canāt.
Iām starting to understand how subconsciously Iāve been keeping myself down, the unhelpful patterns being reinforced by the same dysfunctional actions being taken on what seemed like autopilot for years. Not recognizing the feedback and unwanted reality of said actions, failing to connect the results from the actions taken by the dysfunctional patterns of bad programming. Iām catching other peopleās negative beliefs when they talk, Iām more aware of my own thoughts and beliefs. Iām definitely more optimistic with my inner talk and outlook.
I am not a label, a belief or limit. I choose to stop giving power to things that do not benefit me.
Surprisingly, itās only been a day since my loops but I donāt feel much reconciliation today, Iām sure it will hit in a day or two like usual but todayās been upbeat and peaceful. There is such beauty in awareness, reflection and intuition. I consider them super powers.
With each passing day, I want less and less. Could this be related to the patience module? Or just inner growth of wisdom, realizing the futility of this world and our ego driven hang ups within society.
We strive so hard only to realize itās never been that important, I wonder out of all the thoughts Iāve experienced, how many have actually been mine.
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Iām too guilty of this. Seeing potential instead of reality, and it has caused much ruin in my life.
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Conflicted, pulled in two different directions even though I know one is good and the other bad. The duality of this ālifeā yields only death in time.
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After a consistent search for a qualified therapist w/ emdr capability, I have to come dead end after dead end. Insurance incompatibility or most prevalent scheduling. Working nights is a huge detriment in finding help and Iām going to take it all as a sign.
I do notice how the books I read or online stuff on my issues trigger me, coupled with the subs I do see culminations of recon/releases so I do believe progress is being made. I donāt āneedā to see an external therapist to heal, it would only be a bonus and I should remember that.
Crappy childhood fairy on YouTube has so many vids on Cptsd. Gabor Mateās lectures, online programs for self help, my use of psychedelics when appropriate, journalingā¦it all should be enough and has brought overwhelming change to my inner life. Itās time to let go of the notion that healing canāt be done without external help, this limiting belief thatās not serving me can go now.
ā¦
The pull towards Limit Destroyer has been consistent. Whether Iām in recon or not, the appeal has remained. I had bought 4 subs a few days ago in anticipation of the future and Iām considering adding in LD for the remainder of my DR schedule though Iām not 100% sure on now or later.
ā¦
I find myself in a situation I donāt want to be in yet continue to participate in liu of the red flags and internal alarm. I have to be honest and say Iām not strong enough yet. 
Iāve noticed the more crap I let go of, the more open I become to embracing the world vs how closed off I was carrying all the dysfunction that kept me comfortable in self isolation. Iām not in alignment, even with all the signs, Iām continuingā¦why.
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Iām guessing you might be feeling discouraged. What are you planning on running this week, and how many loops, and which days?
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Hey @RVconsultant
I am only running 1 loop of my two customs per week, on Monday mornings. This past Monday I ran the latest version Ascension chamber after two 15 min loops of my two customs.
The reconciliation has been different this week, not as overt. I want to run twice a week to maximize exposure since Iām done with this journey late may but everytime I listen twice a week, I seem to regress.
Anxiety has been hitting since yesterday. Iām edgy and frustrated about how Iām executing my life, my decision making is conflicting with my core beliefs. Iām oscillating back and forth between seeking external therapy. Just unsettled. I believe it could be the old me vs. new me clashing.
At the moment, I donāt believe running loops tomorrow morning will bring benefit. Iām sure you will probably agree. Less is more, and I have low flow factor with DR as Iām so unaligned, the amount of time required is high.
Thanks for checking in with me 
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What are your thoughts about resting for about 2 weeks?
What do you have in your stock of subliminals?
Sanguine? Elixir? Rebirth? Do you think Love Bomb or LBfH might help?
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Well, may 22nd = 1 year, which is when I plan to stop listening/washout. I only run once a week which to me, isnāt a lot of exposure (considering every other is recommended) and once a week until end of May is about 7 more loops total, so washing out for 2 weeks seems counter productive to the end goal.
I donāt feel overwhelmed or over exposed like I did back in stage 3. Iām just conflicted right now.
I have LBH and Elixir old/new but I donāt think adding more subs is the answer. Iāve been flirting with the idea of running Limit Destroyer this past month, I did buy it. I feel stuck in a way but Iām wary of 3 subs even though it might help me break through.
I could run LD Thursdays, and my 2 customs on mon and let that run for 7 weeks then stop. Thoughts?
Edit:
Incase you need to refresh yourself with my current stack, once a week. 1 loop each, usually 5 to 7 mins, although this past Monday I did 15 mins each.
**Therapeuo**
Core:
- DR Stage 4
Modules:
- Ardent Light
- Ares
- Attachment Destroyer
- Atman
- Discordia Deliverance
- Divine Self-Image
- Emotions Unfettered
- FEBRUUS
- Foundation
- Final Showdown
- Growth Through Pain
- I AM
- Lineage
- New Beginnings
- Omnidimensional
- Stress Displacement
- Unlimiter
**Balance**
Core:
- Paragon Complete
Modules:
- Deep Sleep
- Fusion Optimized
- SPS: Fat Burn
- Pragya
- Purity Without
- Psyche Restoration
- Psyche Augmentation
- The Aligner
- Stress Displacement
- Harmonic Singularity
- Mosaic
- Virtue Series: Patience
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Limit Destroyer @ 15 mins.
After consideration, I decided to add LD to my stack for my last 7 loops of this healing journey. I have been feeling stuck the past few weeks, something has been putting LD into the forefront of my mind more than a few times and Iām going to take a chance.
2 mins in and I feel all kinds of frontal lobe sensations, does this reinforce the idea that Iām full of limiting beliefs or an indication Iām already full processing wise from Mondays loops?
Either way, Iām ready to break through my mental plateau.
Iāve had a consistently level mood all week, anxiety strikes sure but Iām not all over the place emotionally. The anxiety is an indication of something. Probably fear of facing something in my subconscious past which will pass.
Ran through deep bodyweight squats throughout my shift at work and ran out 50 Kettlebell swings. Not sure if reading Legacy of Spartan thread gave me presults but Iāve felt motivated to exercise all night/morning.
Recognized some unhelpful coping strategies last night as well, the urge to push forward instead of pulling back. Understanding how I get in my own way in specific situations. Slowing down, paying attention instead of anxiously reacting. Responding with actions vs words. Anxiety really can interfere, obviously but being able to have foresight and āplay the tapeā of action/consequence beforehand is really helping. Iām putting things together, the knowledge Iām consuming, Iām applying. Adding the patience module helps, without it I think restraint would be more challenging.
Analysis of self doesnāt always have to be demoralizing, I can choose to make it empowering. Perception is a powerful tool, we only have to use it to our benefit.
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30 second micro loops?
I feel no appeal to use micro loops if Iām being honest.
Do you think adding in LD was a smart decision as someone on the outside looking in?
I woke up early from sleep (even having used a sleep aid) my mind was on boundaries, I was dreaming about ex girlfriends, one in particular. I think there was issues with agreements, expectations and boundary enforcement if I try to recall. I wonder if LD was working on this or if itās been an ongoing issue finally breaking through.
I still feel this bodily anxiety, inner restlessness but since waking up I have realized itās much less mental/emotional than it is physical. I feel it in my lower chest and upper stomach. I was at the chiropractor before work and asked if she did or would look into N.E.T. (neuro emotional technique) I got a flat no, lol. I think Iām holding stuck emotions in my body. How can I release thisā¦
So far I think adding LD has been good, I do believe limiting beliefs have been barriers in my healing this whole time but being afraid of over exposure, recon ect, Iāve kept subs at 2 for awhile. Iām going to finish strong and then embrace the bloom after washout. Thereās still so much to learn and do, part of me thinks I should run DR longer but the priority is a long washout after set timeliness. The processing, assimilation and execution is where itās at after listening.
Crazily, I back peddled and ended up making a therapy appointment for 4pm (which is hella early for me) but itās on May 1st, I figure I need to make sacrifices if I want remedy. I feel a lot of hesitation around seeking help and thatās a big sign that I should actually do it, so I pushed myself into it. Sometimes itās good to listen to ourselves and other times itās good to call ourselves out for hiding in fear and push ourselves into what we really need to do.
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Youāll know by the results. Please keep us all posted.
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Iāve been doing myself a disservice. Crapfitting. A term I learned on a cptsd channel online. I recognize so many behavior patterns, actions on that channels explanation of cptsd. Fitting myself into crappy situations for whatever little value I can get.
Barely cried when I realized the thought that my mom was never available to me as a kid, not the way I needed. Realized just how much she lacks an emotional core, sheād leave without notes, Iād wake up in morning having no idea when she would be back or if she would. I wouldnāt see her all day. Always too busy for me unless she was criticizing or badgering. Always seen as a utility, means to an end, even today she doesnāt call unless she needs to be listened to, or needs a favor or wants me to take on some burden.
I see that all the women I pursue or attract into my life are unavailable and drain the energy from me. I give thinking ill finally get accepted just I have with my mom, proving worth I guess since I wasnāt really valued as a person, a soulā¦only valued as a tool to be utilized.
Lutherās posts about focus were inspiring and true. Though I honestly donāt know what I want as far as worldly goals, itās almost the opposite. I want boundaries, detachment, cold blooded demeanor, iron will, discipline, ruthless ability to walk away and mean it, zero needs from anyone and a trauma free inner world.
Itās been a shitty weekend. I feel like Iāve been rejected, abandoned, put in a box and like Iām grievingā¦like Iām going through how a breakup feels. Triggers are bringing up trauma wounds and itās just been rough.
Limit destroyer unlocked something, removed a barrier cuz Iām getting it all now. I will say this recon symptom of not being able to concentrateā¦or comprehend stuff is frustrating. Everything I read or listen to, it goes in one ear and out of the other. I donāt feel like Iāve integrated or assimilated anything in the past two days. 
Since working out with the kettlebell this past week, Iāve slimmed down about 3lbs. I guess even a little action activates the subs, first time Iāve seen such a connection as Iāve been on emotional healing since I got here. So seeing sps: fat burn in action has been nice.
I did pursue some junk food tonight due to all this emotional grief but stopped and tossed out one thing and ate something else but all in all I basically lost interest in comfort eating. What I did eat wasnāt satisfying either. I find myself thinking about a fast and/or doing some more exercise this week. Iām a little sore and my left shoulders acting up againā¦Iām annoyed about it because I want to start lifting but I seem to overdo it often.
I wish my modules in Balance zp would help more. I could use more physical healing/tension relief.
I want this week to be positive and empowering. I want to stop caring so much and move forward, not letting externals grab hold of me. Put myself first without guilt.
Tbh I feel really sick of healing right now. Wanting to just stop this stack and washout, not so I can switch subs, just because of how Iām feeling. Adding LD justā¦idk. maybe itās not even that.
Keep, moving, for-wardā¦
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People are always selling something, being manipulative and deceitful so fuck them.
No one truly gives a shit, itās always self serving. Anything and everything emanating from a human being is based in usury and usually has a catch. What happened to selflessness out of love.
I am not a victim nor am I innocent.
I find myself wanting to shut down, close myself off. I can feel it. Itās not the right move, itās counterproductive. How can I maintain openness and kindness in lieu of pain, how do people do that without becoming resigned to a life as a doormat. Boundaries? Is cutting everyone out who causes pain beneficial? You end up alone, lol.
This world is shit, by design. People are shitty, by design.
I totally understand that Jesus said āMy kingdom is not of this worldā so if the earth is not his kingdom, whose world do you think weāre inā¦yea, Satanās fuckin backyard.
Blah, fuck this world 
Edit: I feel bad reading all this after the mood passed, I edited things but the gist remains. I deleted this once out of shame but Iām going to leave it because in order to grow, both sides need to be expressed. Black & white thinking doesnāt work.
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This is really familiar. Do you feel like they are your goals or just born out of pain? I find it difficult to balance these things sometimes. Iāll find myself running after goals to detach myself and be more ruthless but then I realize Iām just engaging with trauma in a different way thatās still not freedom. Itās frustrating.
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It is very much out of pain. Iām sabotaging my life again. Just got told by a friend that āwe need a breakā makes me feel utterly broken.
You guessed accurately. Childhood trauma begets dysfunctional behavior patterns which produces negative outcomes in life.
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The trauma loops suck. Hang in there man.
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