Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

[Geoff]

I had a weird period of time after listening yesterday trying to fall asleep. I felt irritated and frustrated out of nowhere and physically uncomfortable trying to fall asleep. Something hit me quickly after my loops. I ended up taking half a sleeping pill too.

I think when I am asleep, I’m sleeping straighter, I wake up in an aligned way, straight out. Aligner is changing my sleep pattern I think, physically speaking. I’m a stomach sleeper but I’ve been waking up on my back or side but very straight like, interesting.

A little fogginess or mental fullness, it was less on 3 mins but running Therapeuo for 3 mins feels not enough. So I’ll stick with 5 on both.

At work I’ve been pacing tonight, restless almost like I don’t have enough to do. I’m not excessively energetic but very consistent in my work but also bored. I’ve been listening to podcasts all night as well. Fusion Optimized is facilitating a higher energetic efficiency in me, I’m not used to it. I’m going to have to start adding activities into my life to utilize the increase.

[Geoff]

Therapeuo @ 5 mins and Balance @ 5 mins.

Going to alternate order with each listening day.

So far it’s been good, I think I’m consuming too much information, sometimes at work I have to stop a podcast or at home only read a few pages of my book vs. a chapter like usual due to this sudden urge to just stop. I start feeling like it’s all just too much.

I’ve successfully gone to sleep without sleep aids the past two days. It’s most challenging falling asleep but once asleep I’m staying asleep and I feel as though I’m sleeping deeper.

I’m rarely sitting down at work, if I do…I end up standing again within 5 minutes. I’m displaying good posture too. My pace at work is really consistent and I’ve skipped my lunchbreak(30 mins) twice this week to continue working, just dont feel like sitting around/eating. I am also getting anxious within 90 mins of my shift ending, I’m not sure why. It’s not a positive anticipation of going home, it’s just anxiety.

I’m down around 4lbs in the past two weeks. Not really exercising, just less appetite and no binging, comfort/over eating. Beard is taking form now, going on 5.5 weeks now. Self consciousness over it is decreasing.

I feel a little disconnected, could just be mild reconciliation, if it continues or builds up ill have to go back to once a week. It’s crazy how little I can listen to these subs, my mind just gets full too easily.

[Geoff]

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” – Carl Jung

I’ve struggled a lot with authenticity. Being able to express my genuine self, I see finally the connection, and how much frustration I’ve carried because of self suppression. Things are only getting clearer, better.

[Geoff]

I took 1g of shroom infused chocolate last night. I’m glad I didn’t take 3g as planned. I didn’t really want to party or trip, just expand my mind, absorb more information and help myself process and grow.

However I had an intense 2 hour trip, where I learned just how disconnected from myself, The Lord and each other I am/we are.

Almost all my childhood coping strategies that were protecting me then, and now plauging me in the present are effects of disconnection.

It’s crazy how behavior is just real time manifestations of past experiences bundled together. I mean the way I react to most things now, I’m not even reacting to the present, I’m reacting to the past wounds triggered by something or someone in the now.

I’m seeing so many connections. We have pain filtered experiences and they guide our actions. Hell, most of my life has been basically just me reacting to old wounds through experiences daily over time. Storing decades of frustration from stifling authenticity in order to maintain attachment.

These subs + personal therapy + mild psychedelic use has been life changing. The subs first and foremost, the clearing and cleansing. The guidance it’s facilitates, how it leads me to information and tools. Things just get better and better. The more I understand, the more I become aware of…the more responsibility I can take for myself, my wounds and create remedy through integration.

I haven’t comfort ate in what, two weeks now. I’m doing great at work, there’s no spite in me, no resentment. I feel open, willing and full of compassion for myself and others. I struggled with a little pmo this past week honestly but I think it’s recon related and also rooted in some wound that I’m trying to figure out but action is being taken.

I’m more interested in being available for my son, that pathway was always closed or limited before, I’m definitely healing because I haven’t been emotionally available to him ever and now I’m feeling I can be.

I’ve become open to communicating with my mom more, I do get triggered sometimes by her but I see it as reconciliation with lineage module, healing things. There’s a dichotomy with my mom. Good and bad and it’s being worked on but the point is, I’m also becoming open towards her and that’s progress.

The closed off, angry, hurt Geoff is healing and evolving. The amount of pure understanding I’m gaining is just impressive, I don’t know what else to say. The peace I feel increases everyday, when I think I can’t feel any better than I do…I’m blessed with more.

Thank You

[Geoff]

Balance @ 5 mins and Therapeuo @ 5 mins

It’s been a good week, can’t complain. Pmo struggles are about the only “bad” thing I’m dealing with. Finished the book I was reading, my speed is not like it used to be. Deciding on what to read next.

Seeing the economy and banks going to shit should really affect me more than it is. I don’t feel much urging, or anxiety. I know the endgame and perhaps that’s keeping me calmer than I should be or maybe it’s have Stress Displacement in both customs lol.

It’s hard to really describe the Psyche modules but ever since running the sub with them, mental burdens are leaving, I feel less boxed in thought wise. There is just not much if any toxic mindset left. I’m becoming my own best friend and viewing myself as a child when coping strategies arise or I start acting out with unhelpful behaviors. Developing compassion for the little me within has helped a lot.

Health wise I’m kind of steady at the same weight now and my neck issue is really improved, sleep is improving as well. Beards coming into its own and I even had this girl stop in front of me with an attracted look while I walking through a store saturday evening. Felt good to be noticed that way, she even pretended to look at the products I had passed just to check me out as I walked away. Aura and vibe is strong and subtle…I think I’m becoming congruent with all that DR has taught me. My inner state is starting to reflect my outer world.

[Geoff]

A little bit of struggle the last two days and it’s building. I’m not sure if I’m being pushed into being more authentic and expressing myself or if it’s just reconciliation.

I’ve been really getting fed up over seeing so much ignorance. My level of tolerance or patience when seeing dumb shit(my perception) is lowering by the day and I feel strong urges to respond to those feelings. I feel like I need to disappear for awhile or I’m going to lose it at a random moment. Could this be reconciliation due to the patience module? because I am feeling impatient as hell but not towards myself but the external of which I cannot control.

I’m usually pretty detached from judging others, feeling the need to comment on others but damn it’s been frustrating. Does this mean twice a week, 5 min loops is too much or just a hill I’m moving over. I’m not sure what the right move is.

I’m just pissed about the stupidity and ignorance in general. I’m not perfect, I don’t know everything, I’m not trying to change people so why do I feel so upset inside. Is this connected to powerlessness in childhood? Failure to be heard as a child? I don’t know but I’m just not feeling it tonight.

It’s been a minute since I’ve felt recon symptoms, I guess I’m due. It only means growth right.

This too shall pass

[Geoff]

Thinking I should skip today’s listening day. I’m struggling with focus or thought control. I read a book and my mind wanders, information retention is poor. It’s like I’m half zoned out all day.

I’m tired as heck in a whole body way. Must be energy intensive Paragon kicking in or something. I’m full of irritation and edgy. Recon must be building.

Last loop was Monday, I guess I’ll leave it be until monday comes around again. Once a week might be all I can handle.

I’ve been reading this book specifically on disorganized attachment and the books quiz I took. 96/100. I’ve been nothing but triggered by reading it. Moving through anger, demoralizing moods, feelings of hopelessness towards changing my attachment. Dealing with interpersonal rejections recently. It’s been rough.

Realizations just smacking me in the face, been looking for a active therapist in my area with not much luck. They either don’t utilize the methods I want, don’t take my insurance or are an hour away and are only open for people who work in the day time.

It’s a good time to just stop, washout and be nice to myself. I’m being careful not to fall into victim mentality or self criticism. OT came back this week at work and I’m working some but no longer working weekends when I have my son. I think it’s important I be present for son, especially when my childhood was spent mostly alone. I feel my default is avoidance and I’m trying not to repeat and transfer the wounds I received onto the next generation.

[Geoff]

I keep having thoughts on Limit Destroyer. The thinking is that I can’t listen more than once a week so I must be blocked or limited?

With SPS: Fat Burn I haven’t gained any real weight (just daily fluctuation) and I’m not losing either. Am I stuck at some limit? Or am I still consuming too many calories.

I’m not eating at home during the work week, only at work which is 90% fruit based. Weekends I make a stir fry, veggies w/chicken, beef or shrimp. Otherwise I use my juicer or make soup. I’ve cut out junk food since adding my Balance Custom.

I think I’ll try using my Kettlebell this weekend as my neck issue has been pain free for a few days, I started chiropractor in January. It’s been a long time to get here, I get worried I’m going to screw something up but I need to burn more calories or fast.

Running two customs with a lot of healing is dense already, the thought of running Limit Destroyer is tempting but I think it’s based in frustration and that makes me question using it. Is frustration a sign it’s a good idea to use? Am I telling myself I need help to get myself unstuck?

Having Atman and Unlimiter in my DR custom, is that not enough? Is all this just mind games. If I’m having overwhelm with just these two, is a 3rd the right answer?

I’m definitely feeling frustrated but the frustration is not clear. I’m apprehensive to make any choices within this state.

[Geoff]

When you realize how manipulative you are. Guilt tripping in order to maneuver things in your favor. I knew I could be manipulative when I was a drunk but seeing my behavior pointed out to me and not realizing I was consciously doing it caused a lot of pain in me.

Am I so low that my subconscious or mind devises things that helps me get what I want instead of being virtuous and or just accepting a reality where things go my way. I’m really not surprised due to my past but that is not an excuse to validate the bad behavior.

Honestly I can’t say if I’ll never do these things again as it seems to be some stand by strategy that activates in the face of adversity. It like my perception can become muddied and I find ways to circumvent the obstacle until I get what I’m looking for.

I really hate parts of myself. I can see the utility in it but the application is applied in the wrong situations.

…

I looked around for more therapist options earlier after seeing what was pointed out. These coping strategies from childhood are a serious impediment to my life in adulthood, I can hardly stand it anymore. While these subs reveal and have had great impact, I’m starting to doubt if they can change these deep rooted dysfunctions. I’m sure with years of use but I’m starting to accept that I might require external help to truly overcome the things that are quite literally ruining my life.

[Geoff]

Did 50 kettlebell swings yesterday when I got home. So far a little sore in legs but neck/shoulder has been good. I think I’ll do more all weekend.

I’ve been seriously tired this week though. I’ve slept without sleep pills all week except 2 days. But I wake up 4 or 5 hours early, half way through my shifts I’m so tired my eyes start closing, then I get a mini 2nd wind.

Things are really being stirred up. Emotionally I’m being rocked and physically stuff is happening.

There is only one way to go…through it.

[Geoff]

These subs are manifesting information left and right. I’ve been straight up feeling a weird anxiety, I think it’s a part of overwhelm and awareness I’m dealing with.

I found a place to see an emdr therapist, hopefully to finally process and integrate childhood traumatic wounds that’s keeping me from living the way I want.

I’m fully immersed in Attachment issues, Authenticity and Congruence and it’s just comical how the more I learn, the less I know.

I had a pretty wild interaction the other day that exposed some stuff in me that wasn’t shocking but eye opening. I’m glad I didn’t listen to subs thursday, I need the rest days. There’s so much in these subs w/DR and it goes deep.

Some good things is that I haven’t craved comfort food or really food in general in a few weeks. I don’t want to jinx myself or anything but so far, binge eating issue has disappeared and not returned.

Sleep quality is improved but I seem to be sleeping less. I get tired quickly, in a whole body way but just don’t sleep long. I feel like it’s Paragon. But deep Sleep has started working and I’m sparingly using sleep aids, like twice a week at the most.

Quantity of appetite is much lower and reserved and weight is just flat, not up or down. Going to add in exercise. The only module I haven’t really noticed consciously is Purity Without. Everything else I feel or notice.

I’m really becoming active in my healing vs just living and hoping the subs fix it. Microdosing with psilocybin has been…well I’m not sure but my minds been working overtime and I’m just absorbing and thinking so much. Most days I can’t keep up. It’s great learning but I really want the application, permanent changes to my behavior.

I’ve learned how scared I am of being myself. How afraid of being rejected or punished for having needs/wants. I put too much effort into things or people and expect the same in return which creates resentment which cause passive aggressive behavior. It’s really challenging letting others in even though it’s what I want most, always believing ppl will just leave and then manifesting that reality. It’s like I have no self worth looking at these behaviors. How I must have felt as a kid. Not having anyone around and moving so often I never had connections or stability.

I find it hard to journal offline, I don’t put in the effort and while publicly journaling is vulnerable, it keeps me focused, honest and accountable. Sometimes I get the feeling I’m doing it wrong by sharing all this, but in my quest for authenticity, I choose to be transparent here, even if it’s the only place I am.

[Geoff]

I canceled my emdr therapist appointments and closed my online account I was required to set up. After filling out forms and entering information, it just felt wrong. I was a customer, not a person looking for help, it felt impure and beauracratic. The amount of information they required was a big turn off.

I ended up watching a documentary about stress about an hour or so later and found out about another form of therapy, if you can call it that. It’s more bodywork based but with the emotional blockages. I hold a lot of pain and tension in the body and felt immediately drawn to it. I ended up googling N.E.T. and found a place fairly close and contacted them online, so we will see this week.

I also ended up expressing myself to someone last night in an authentic way, I just had to be honest. It was coming clean about expectations, wants/needs, one sided dynamics and my lack of internal integrity and incongruent behavior. I felt fear, anxiety, shame and this shaky panic feeling. That told me a lot about myself. I did not get what I wanted but was commended/appreciated for the honesty. I feel lighter and aligned to my true self now. I really need to be more genuine in everything and build more boundaries so expectations and resentment are not created. I was partly aware of things in my behavior but could not always notice myself either. I’m glad to have had the opportunity for this.

I’m ready to start Gabor’s book, when the body says no this week. I’ve started to realize how much my own self suppression can hurt me, I’m looking forward to reading in detail about it and building strong positive habits.

These subs have seriously started flooding me with resources and information. Awakening my senses to all the behaviors standing in the way, helping me to unravel the dysfunction and create a better reality.

[Geoff]

Therapeuo @ 5 mins and Balance @ 5 mins

No real pain in neck, that deep tiredness from last week is getter better. Posture feels good and is automatic, if I sit loosely or “wrong”, I end up changing position or getting up within minutes, it’s like my body just won’t tolerate it (aligner?)

I’m listening to No more Mr. Nice guy, I listened years and years ago but I wasn’t ready to hear it. In ch. 1 glover expresses the same idea that Gabor mate talks about. The sacrifice of authenticity for attachment. We give up our personality, our identity, who we are in exchange for attachment and not being abandoned. Because in childhood, abandonment = death.

We develop coping strategies to get our needs met, validation, attention, emotional support ect. We suppress our needs or meet the needs of others to our own detriment for safety/attachment. We continue suppressing ourselves(authenticity) in adulthood and whatever mechanisms or strategies we used/developed as kids then plays out in the present resulting in problems and the inability to get what we truly want.

My mother criticized me so much as a child, I was unable to be myself. The message was that I was not okay as I was. I had no identity because anything I did was wrong or bad, everything I expressed or how I behaved wasn’t good and it’s no wonder I’m so inauthentic and disingenuous with my behavior and why I give so much and feel so much resentment.

It’s the same theme and it keeps coming up in almost every piece of information I come across. The subs have allowed my subconscious to basically tell me what’s up.

Now I just have to figure out how to remedy it all.

[Geoff]

50 Kettlebell swings before bed, not exactly a wind down activity but I wanted to get something done.

[Geoff]

Wow oh wow, the sheer amount and quality of anxiety, edginess and frustration today has been unending. I had less than 100mg of caffeine(caffeine makes me anxious) but this is also reconciliation. 5 mins kicks my butt lately.

Listening to podcasts on healing, no more mr nice guy (2 chapters) and things felt more intense as the day went on. Not sure what started it but everything seems to build on it. I’m sitting here with increased tension, flexing my toes against my boots, clenching my jaw periodically and noticing how shallow and intermittent my breathing is.

Whatever is going on is clashing hard. I feel the urge to just slam my hands down on my work bench or kick something. Triggered as hell but I also can’t help but laugh too because I have no conscious idea of what it is that is so upsetting.

---

Edit: I feel like I need a sedative, wiry as hell internally. Shaken up in the core. Physical compulsions manifesting as a response to seeking relief. I’m outta work soon. How crazy has today been.

[Geoff]

3 factors that universally lead to stress:

1. Uncertainty
2. The lack of information
3. Loss of control

Valuable information from gabors book, when the body says no.

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I woke up last night sensitive but semi relaxed. Had a conversation with a friend and they commented on a childhood picture of me after asking about some, basically made a negative comment and I replied back a sarcastic comment thanking them for only giving a negative response. This set the tone unfortunately and I’ve been emotionally exposed/sensitive all night though not much else came out.

I’ve been anxious and agitated internally all night, slightly less intense than yesterday. Overly triggered by consumption of information, youtube, podcasts, books or even just thinking about material I’ve consumed this week.

I’m getting physically restless at work as well, bored, feeling like my energy is too high and unmatched to my work. Wondering if Fusion Optimized has something to do with this or if it’s just anxiety stimulating me physically.

It’s not anger as much as it’s frustration/agitation, though anger is the end expression if let out. I’m not sure how to decompress, especially at work. I haven’t felt this restless in…well I can’t remember a time. I’ve even had thoughts of seeking relief with past vices, tonight’s literally the first time in 8 years I’ve actually thought about drinking alcohol for relief. Being a former alcoholic, that’s not a helpful thought but this state must be really affecting me for my mind to go there.

Intense internal upset. How do I cope. I took Friday off work, one more night. I keep searching for relief but I haven’t anything to de-stress yet and the more energy I give to the thought, the more tense I feel.

What’s a good response to overwhelm. I’m thinking I stop consuming content in all forms(even though I’ll go full bored at work) and just let my mind think/process without forcing more input. Do some kettlebell work in morning before bed to let out the tension.

[Geoff]

Yesterday, on the way to work my friend from high school called. I didn’t see his call until I grabbed my phone, at first I was not going to call back (hadn’t talked since Oct 2022) but I ended up calling.

The usual stuff got brought up, I asked about him ect. The nice part was I felt authentic talking to him, I didn’t try to minimize myself, hide who I was, avoid talking about myself as part of the conversation.

A few days ago when I fully expressed myself with another which did not yield what I wanted, but felt liberating…I had really high anxiety.

I’m wondering if these highly anxious days is all rooted in my old beliefs of self suppression for safety/acceptance and attachment, clashing with my new belief of being my true self in the world. It would make sense in some ways but why would I be so agitated when I’m just with myself and not interacting. Self acceptance issues? This is all really complex and hard to fully interpret. Just writing thoughts as I continue to exist into the future, so I can look back and affirm what I’ve been growing through.

[Geoff]

50 Kettlebell swings done.

A thing to note: I have not engaged in any coping mechanisms that were previously haunting me. No pmo, no binge eating, no excessive or unnecessary shopping, grocery or online.

Even with this anxiety ridden week, I have not sought out comfort. The worse thing I’ve done is over express it on this journal. The hardest part about all this is just living with myself, accepting all I’m dealing with.

Another thing, I feel more calm at home, is my job suddenly becoming something I’m unable to deal with? Why is the internal panic so high at work…hmmm, something to think about.

[Geoff]

Contrast, is 100% necessary.

“the state of being strikingly different from something else in juxtaposition or close association.”

[Geoff]

Stop doing things as part of an hidden agenda. Stand up for what you want and stop giving to get. Give if you want to. Why is expectation necessary at all? Why is expectation so ingrained in me and what does it mean. The more effort put into a situation that wasn’t working the first time is a dead end and requires the ceasing of effort immediately. Understand the dynamics, stop getting in your own way. Find out what you want, think about how to achieve objective, execute action and receive. Things are only difficult because I make them that way. If something is taken away in a dynamic, don’t continue providing same level of effort, withdraw. Stop making stupid, emotional and fear based choices and things might start turning to your favor.