Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#482

Slight agitation creeping in, feels like angst. I noticed I have less capacity to accept information. Watching a few YouTube videos I was zoning out, recall was pathetic too. The longer the loop, the less capacity available for the external. Seeing as yesterday was my first 15 minute loop of this custom, the reconciliation symptoms are starting to show. I was less patient talking on the phone as well.

Still not sure about switching to twice a week. My clarity has reduced, I’m sure in a few days it’ll come back. I ordered tacos last night too, been letting my desires have their way this week…I still don’t know why or what is responsible for this behavior.

That girl reached out this morning needing supportive words, I responded but kept it short. It ended not long after. That was it. Funny how I mention no contact with her the other day then she shows up. I need to keep my distance from all temptation.

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#483

Custom was just delivered, 2 days…impressive :slight_smile:

I’ll probably run either Thurs or just wait till until next week.

Running that 15 min loop Monday, the recon has been subtle and sneaky. I’m not raging emotionally but I do feel quite dumbed down. I wouldn’t call it brain fog but more just intellectually reduced.

I’m also seeking out comfort again. I swear I wish I could get to the bottom of what is driving these unhelpful behaviors. It’s basically sabotaging all the things I want and doing l the opposite. I guess below the surface I’m overwhelmed, unaware consciously. Which sucks because I don’t always see how I’m acting/behaving until the effect is staring me in the face.

I’ve been wearing my sweater with the hood up all week, not because it’s cold but because I’m hiding. I can feel self-conscious insecurity coming up though I don’t know what about, obviously physical look but it’s deeper than that. Most days I feel like a hermit in plain sight. Alone but surrounded by people. Somethings really dragging me down, I wish it’d just show up. Final Showdown needs to start showing up.

I feel like my life is being ran by a shadow and I’m tired of being in the backseat of this darkness and living out its dysfunction. I feel helpless sometimes that I won’t get to the root but I know it takes time and more time, it’s a journey.

Is it a limit when you have a goal but seem to take actions that go against it? Is self sabotage a self imposed limit? I have atman and unlimiter in this dr custom but sometimes I wonder if I need LD to break this crap.

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#484

Everything we think we know, is wrong.

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#486

“I am aware that I, without realizing it, have lost my feelings — I don’t belong here anymore, I live in an alien world. I prefer to be left alone, not disturbed by anybody. They talk too much — I can’t relate to them — they are only busy with superficial things.”

Erich Maria Remarque
All Quiet on the Western Front

…

Randomly read this quote in my trauma book and damn, it’s so true. It even applies Biblically in a sense. What a gem of a quote. I relate to this deeply.

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#487

Damn, I get so triggered reading about trauma. The surge of this uncomfortable feeling, like wanting to run comes on so strong. The urge to lash out or just move sharply, like hitting a pillow fills me. I don’t know what it is or why it is but man I went from calm and bored at the start to barely finishing a chapter without acting out. Now I’m just feeling edgy.

Before I chose to read I was on the verge of pmo, looked up some pics but then stopped it there…it stemmed from boredom. I’m off work tonight due to a bad snow storm here and our shift being canceled. I work a lot because on the weekends I get into trouble…pmo, binge eating or spending money on things impulsively. I don’t know how to be with myself I think but I enjoy being alone as having people around just causes stress due to being controlling.

I was going to run 3 mins of my new Paragon custom being that it’s early Thursday but feeling triggered like this must be reconciliation and I don’t think running a sub while in processing of an intense time is beneficial. Being viscerally agitated and full of nervous energy sucks…I feel like I want escape right now but escape from what. It’s 2am and I’m just feeling phucked up.

All I did tonight was make unproductive decisions, what am I doing and why. If I could just understand myself then I could do something about it. Otherwise everything I do or try just becomes fruitless. Things haven’t stuck. Any habits I try to develop, new strict behaviors, changes I make…it all ceases to solidify in my life as a consistent fixture. My life feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back(yes I know it’s said the opposite way)

What is different with me as far as behaviors, internal foundation has improved but my actions…the way I interact with the environment, the decisions I make based on personality and behavior is still not serving me. How do I fix this disconnect and stop getting in my own way. It’s the most frustrating feeling.

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#488

"Consciousness succumbs all too easily to unconscious influences, and these are often truer and wiser than our conscious thinking.

Also, it frequently happens that unconscious motives overule our conscious decisions, especially in matters of vital importance. Indeed, the fate of the individual is largely dependent on unconscious factors."

–Carl Jung

So in essence, it’s of vital importance to change, in a positive way the unconscious or subconscious mind through tools such as subliminals. To cause change to ineffective programming wreaking havoc within. I wonder what Carl Jung would say about subliminals if he were alive today.

The level of agitation and inner restlessness today…I haven’t felt so internally disturbed in awhile. I know it’s for the best but moving through it is unpleasant, I’ve forgotten how uncomfortable reconciliation can be, it’s been awhile since stage 1 & 2.

This is where the Self-Sabotage begins. The repressed parts of the personality, revolt against our conscious minds from the deepness of the shadow. And so we are at war with ourselves, without even knowing who we are fighting.

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#489

I did not know this quote and it really impressed me. Thanks for quoting this.
Carl Jung is a very well known psychiatrist.
Here is another quote from him:

These subliminal aspects of everything that happens to us may seem to play very little part in our daily lives. But in dream analysis, where the psychologist is dealing with expressions of the unconscious, they are very relevant, for they are the almost invisible roots of our conscious thoughts.
–Carl Jung

I think he would have enjoyed the concept of subliminal messages.

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#490

I would say that he’d be very, very impressed as it’d be a powerful tool to use in the process of individuation. :black_circle: Revelation of Mind would definitely be something he’d use if he were alive today. I don’t think he’d rely on it completely though, as it doesn’t make the unconscious, conscious by itself. He would use it alongside his method of Active Imagination and Dream Analysis.

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#491

It’s amazing what one 15 minute loop can do. The amount of recon, the sheer longevity of it is impressive. It’s been 7 days, going on 8 since my last loop. I binge ate hard last weds through Fri along with pmo binges only for me to get a grip on my reality on Saturday. It’s easy to see reconciliation symptoms in hindsight but going through it, I felt like I was running on pure instinct, looking for relief without any sense of thinking before acting.

The mental overwhelm has been constant/consistent. I’ve been consuming content on Spiritually, philosophy, psychology and of course my book on trauma in the body all while being unable to think clearly or focus deeply. I didn’t think a 15 min loop could be so intense, or the effects could be. I guess over time the custom really digs deep.

I have yet to even run the new paragon custom. I guess I’m on an unscheduled, impromptu washout until clarity and grounding returns and I can listen again.

Everything feels so deep, expansive in my mind yet I have no words. Comprehension is a struggle right now. I even microdosed since Friday night thinking it might help with processing speed but I think it’s only added more to my plate.

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#492

When you see everything, you realize how much is really nothing. And when you see nothing, you realize what is really everything.

Speaking of comprehension struggles, This has been going through my thoughts today. I can’t even explore it. I get it on the basic level but trying for more, my mind just shuts off and I lose focus.

It’s easy to judge when life is going great. Having it taken away shows you the value of what you just judged as meaningless or insignificant. So many ways to interpret things.

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#493

That is really good.

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#494

Power went out at my house yesterday afternoon, icy roads, trees down. Power is still out so once I leave work, it’ll be probably 20 degrees in my house. Been waiting on a generator dealer to get going with me but of course the power goes out before I get one.

Part of me mentally feels disconnected from this issue but I know once I get home, the realization will hit in full.

I find it strange how disconnected from stress and worry I’ve been since January, and how I haven’t been taking action like I used to. The neurotic personality has been tempered but some times I feel I’ve become lazy, complacent or ignorant of things I should pay attention to.

The anxiousness, fear and neuroticism that drove me crazy, also served as a driver to prepare and seek security and now here I am, in a situation I don’t want to be in because I’ve been aloof and disengaged. When I finish healing, I’ve got to develop a non fear based drive and get things done again.

Lesson is being learned the hard way. Hopefully Power comes back on by late morning.

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#495

Was just watching a Jordan Peterson clip and he stated “A person who is high in neuroticism would be trying to protect themselves and to establish some sort of security”

I had to laugh because that’s literally been my modus operandi for decades. It’s not like I wasn’t aware before but as I heard it, it really took hold. It really shows me how and why my life is how it is. It’s funny how hearing something many times over time can affect you differently. I should spend more time learning about this and see how to evolve out of it.

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#496

“The fact that you have limitations means that the plot of your life is the overcoming of those limitations.” – JP

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#497

“Trauma - An internal psychic wound that then limits their capacity to live as fully as they might.” – Gabor Mate

“Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.” – Gabor Mate

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#498

1 loop Balance @ 3 mins and 1 loop Therapeuo @ 3 mins.

**Balance**

Core:

  1. Paragon Complete

Modules:

  1. Deep Sleep
  2. Fusion Optimized
  3. SPS: Fat Burn
  4. Pragya
  5. Purity Without
  6. Psyche Restoration
  7. Psyche Augmentation
  8. The Aligner
  9. Stress Displacement
  10. Harmonic Singularity
  11. Mosaic
  12. Virtue Series: Patience
**Therapeuo**

Core:

  1. DR Stage 4

Modules:

  1. Ardent Light
  2. Ares
  3. Attachment Destroyer
  4. Atman
  5. Discordia Deliverance
  6. Divine Self-Image
  7. Emotions Unfettered
  8. FEBRUUS
  9. Foundation
  10. Final Showdown
  11. Growth Through Pain
  12. I AM
  13. Lineage
  14. New Beginnings
  15. Omnidimensional
  16. Stress Displacement
  17. Unlimiter

Today starts my light paragon custom w/ DR. Reconciliation has dissipated enough, though I’ve been on an information binge the past few days, it’s crazy. Focus is improving, lots of realizations and connections being made. It’s been an intense week in many ways, I know I’ve processed a lot and my minds just been a sponge even with the conscious overwhelm I was going through. I wanted information but I couldn’t really engage the material but I know I’ve been absorbing it nonetheless.

Goals for the Balance custom:

  1. Remove sleep aids, I rely on some form nearly everyday and sleep better.

  2. Slowly lose some weight as my emotional issues keep me from keeping weight off after fasting, so no more fasting till I stabilize my past.

  3. Aid my recovery with my neck issue/muscle tension.

  4. Slow down, increase patience and be more grounded.

  5. Add more mental healing to my DR path with the new Psyche modules, hence why I named this Balance because it addresses the physical and mental.

  6. Become more physically efficient and continue building on proper posture which DR has already improved.

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#499

“Nothing itself is addictive on the one hand, And on the other hand, everything could be addictive if there’s an emptiness in that person that needs to be filled.” – Gabor Mate

Conditions and environment impact development. If certain factors are missing, negative conditions develop in relation to those factors.

Just learning about the how and why of circumstances in life has helped me enough to reconcile things I’ve been stuck on regarding acceptance and understanding. Emotional attunement and how important it is between a child and parents. It showed me why I am how I am, and while it is dysfunctional I realized the difference between dysfunctional behavior and me being dysfunctional. The subtle change in perception between the two has helped my self image already.

Realizing that my mother didn’t really have a choice when I was child, just due to circumstances of her life has allowed or is allowing me to understand and accept the situation and it’s effects on me. It’s painful realizing the abandonment issues but knowing it wasn’t on purpose or with malicious intent does reduce the intensity. It was just circumstantial neglect out of economic necessity. The damage is done but I don’t need to hate or hold anger over it. There is no emotional attunement between my mother and I but I understand why now and can try and move forward in spite of it instead of being held captive but not understanding and carrying a mystery that would be suppressed by negative behaviors as was done in my past.

It’s all coming together for me, my past…my personality, my behaviors. Understanding is the first step to reconciling, then acceptance and letting go.

I think DR has lead me to all the right sources I have been connecting with and it’s paying off. There’s a lot of work to do but I’m actually on the right path for once.

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#500

Attunement is being aware of and responding to the emotions of another person and is the process by which we form close relationships. It is that essential component that allows us to feel close and connected to others.

I can definitely see how I fail to provide this with my son. Man, if we don’t break our cycles of dysfunction, it continue through each consecutive generation. While I can honestly feel resentment in that “why should I try or do better when my mom didnt” that’s an unhealthy response to the opportunity to change a dysfunctional pattern. I’m glad I have the lineage module in my custom with stage 4, it’s really helping me connect past, present and future when it comes to my childhood and my relationship with my son.

I’ve always been scared to be around him because of how I’ve always seen myself, the toxicity. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Avoidance doesn’t solve anything. I used to be all about limiting myself to my son because I didn’t want him to pick up my bad traits. With healing comes opportunity and even though he’s 14, I still have time. And I’m actually feeling a little excited about it. It’s my weekend with him coming up. I’m going to try and really be more involved and present with him. Listen more, talk less and make myself available. I was always around but never really available, that’s something I want to change.

I may be full of…challenges but that doesn’t mean my son needs to be. Life is hard enough without childhood baggage.

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#501

The past two days since my loop has been good. I feel mentally lighter yet I’m making connections with all my psychic wounds and lots of awareness. Driving home from work, I had a good realization and it flowed so well, I had an easy time understanding and accepting. Processing so much, feels really efficient.

I can’t really explain a lot about the psyche modules but I know they’ve taken hold. Deep Sleep is fun, I haven’t slept without a sleep aid yet but now that it’s Friday, I’m going to see how the weekend goes.

Does Sps: Fat Burn have scripting on appetite? Because I’m eating less, but I feel more hungry. I don’t feel emotionally charged or driven to eat either, maybe it’s the psyche modules. Either way it’s great.

I’ve had calm energy, not really noticeable, I just start working and the pace stays consistent, fusion optimized ? It’s a new feeling.

I’ve felt quite pleasant since weds, not burdened. Maybe it’s a honeymoon effect, like the first week of my DR custom.

I’m pretty hyped over what’s going on and the path I’m on, dare I say passionate. I feel hopeful for the first time in a really long time.

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#502

Balance @ 5 mins and Therapeuo @ 5 mins

…

It was a good weekend with my son. I made an effort to be in the present and focus on him. I am starting to recognize that I’m less in the past since my first listen of Balance. Things started to shift, I’m more in the now with less mental tangets, less intrusive or obsessional thoughts dragging me around.

I bought 3 more books, two from Gabor Mate and one from Allen Carr. I’m almost done with Bessel Van Der Kolks book. I’m watching every talk I can find online about Gabor, attachment, Authenticity and Toxic Culture. I feel quite motivated lately in working on myself, more so than usual. I haven’t felt this “whole”, well ever. Things are really coming together.

I thought it was SPS: Fat Burn but it seems Fusion Optimized is the reason I haven’t binge ate or bought junk food since last weds. I went shopping this weekend and I had zero urge to buy anything that previously was on my priority list. My appetite also has reduced, I go longer without eating and think about eating less. Whatever it is, is amazing.

I’m still taking sleep aids but I think it’s more psychological now, I need to just trust the process of sleep instead of forcing myself to nod off chemically. I always felt comfort in the idea that I was guaranteed to fall asleep by a certain time regardless of my thoughts/anxiety. And since healing a lot of issues, I don’t think I need this crutch anymore but breaking the mental habit is…I’m working on it.

I have Stress Displacement in both my customs and with Harmonic Singularity and Virtue Series: Patience, I am feeling lighter. I woke up sore yesterday, I think it was pain from tension being released as I did not exert myself this weekend. I think my body is holding tension and pain from childhood ect and makes sense why working out tense causes so much soreness. I’d like to look into somatic bodywork to address this finally.

With these modules I mention above, I sometimes get the sense of laziness or apathy towards getting things done. As if the importance has faded when thinking about responsibilities. I’m feeling inclined to depriorotize some things that would be a hassle to get done and feeling avoidant out of annoyance. Not sure what this is about but I used to be very proactive and now it’s lais·sez-faire (a policy or attitude of letting things take their own course, without interfering.) which I’m not really happy with, it feels lazy.

All in all, I’m pretty okay this week. Going to increase my listening to twice a week and see how it goes, once a week works well and now I think I’ll try a little more exposure.

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