“What is easy and obvious is never valued; and even what is in itself difficult, if we come to the knowledge of it without difficulty, and without any stretch of thought or judgment, is but little regarded.”
- Hume, A treatise of Human Nature. 1739
3 Likes
I’m still emotionally unhealthy. I try to prevent abandonment and insecurity with manipulation, guilt or shame. It’s been shown to me many times yet I seem to repeat it a lot. It’s reactive, almost like a flinch. How can I fix something I don’t even see coming until after the fact?
Growing up as a child, my mom would regularly be gone and I’d wake up to no one home. Never knowing when my mom would be home. No cellphones, no numbers. I was on my own. It was like experiencing abandonment on a weekly basis. The amount of anxiety a child experiences must have been rough. There are sections of my childhood I don’t even recall and most of my memories were traumatic, negative or moments of high stress.
So how does one fix or control seemingly automatic responses? How do I get past this unhealthy defensive coping action in order to live in healthy ways.
I literally don’t realize the impact of my words until after, it frustrates me cuz the damage is done and impressions are made and then I realize I’m being avoided.
…
What sub helps with abandonment, insecurity, attachment disorders and emotional manipulation? Any?
Maybe having this come up is part of the healing. This custom is awesome, I have zero regrets, no doubts about adding anything etc. It’s been a heavy day and I’ve only been awake for 8.5 hrs.
3 Likes
“More than anything else, I wanted not to be alone — yet all my actions guaranteed I’d be lonely.”
– Gina Barreca
2 Likes
So after this week I noticed these differences in loop times.
7 min loop causes reconciliation, first as foggy mind, disconnected mellow mood and then on days 4 - 6 I get recon manifesting as anxiousness, frustration, anger and sadness.
5 min loop I feel no reconciliation, processing feels like it stops at day 5.
I know reconciliation is a good thing so I’m not trying to avoid it, and with 5 mins is it bad that it drops off sooner? I can see running 7 min loops would create a need for washout even at once a week. But if I run 5 mins a week, would a washout even be necessary per month?
I think I’m going to run a 5 min loop tomorrow morning before bed and see how it goes. It’s interesting seeing the effects.
I wonder if my triggered reconciliation on Friday was because of running a longer loop or simple because it’s been 3 weeks since starting. Am I basing effects on the wrong variables. 
it’s a guess at this point. I just want to maximize growth and minimize resistance/regression(in a bad sense).
“I decry the injustice of my wounds, only to look down and see that I am holding a smoking gun in one hand and a fistful of ammunition in the other.” – Craig D. Lounsbrough
2 Likes
Therapeuo
Loop 4 @ 5 mins.
…
I have some inkling of frustration left over from this weekend. A little gnawing going on subconsciously. I can tell my flaws are being addressed. The abandonment issues, making it super easy for others to leave, it’s like people pleasing but in a way that gets you the opposite of what you want.
Disorganized attachment is a Cluster Phuck of dysfunction. But I’m working on it, awareness is key.
…
Skipped lunch at work, kept to myself and was holding onto what my coworker said when he showed up at the shop. No greeting, nothing…just “two ppl in the shop” then asks me what the note(instructions for 3rd shift) said. Apparently I do not do well with being told what to do. I held onto this b.s. all night. I was there 16 mins before him and I had to open up and get compressor going etc.
I know what to do, I have a key and am given responsibilities beyond him so it’s an hell of an irk to hear shit like that. I feel like I’m overly affected by it, I don’t fully understand my reaction/state but I’m definitely irritated by it. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have worked through my lunch and avoided everyone.
Feels like an inadvertent boundary issue. Hardly seems important yet here I am talking about it.
…
Could just be edgy due to slow progress with chiropractor. Or I’m just realizing how much I need to grow and taking shit isn’t part of my resume any longer. Who knows
“People who self-handicap purposely shoot themselves in the foot in order to protect themselves from having to confront their possible shortcomings.
Many self-handicapping behaviors are those small, subtle bad habits like being late, gossiping, micromanaging, behaving passive-aggressively, or being a perfectionist.
We may not recognize these self-defeating – and self-handicapping – traits for what they are. Or we may even wrongly perceive them as strengths. But in truth, they often get in the way of us blooming.” – Rich Karlgaard
2 Likes
It seems that I get in my own way much more than other people do. This is obvious once thought about but never apparent in the moment.
I wonder what broken programming from my life causes so much sabotage. A little bit of everything I suppose.
The ways I behave in situations thinking it will benefit me, end up creating the opposite reality/results I was intending on getting. But so many things are hard to see or catch unless in hindsight.
The ways I convince (or delude) myself into behaving are fascinating. It’s like my mind has this belief that if taken action on will yield a specific effect and when actions are taken, the effects are rarely what I was thinking they’d be. I imagine in a vacuum, lacking variables.
I know that I’ve always focused on speed, reaction time…aka efficiency. Which doesn’t work well in social situations. I’m always geared to solving or fixing and can rarely “be” with people. I get this urge to solve the issue then retire away. It feels dysfunctional yet “safe”
This is why I’m alone often, I’ve relegated myself into a kind of service robot whose needs never matter(even if my goal is get needs met) who is only ever around to solve something. My behavior is damn near automatic, in ways that creates space or keeps people at length. Disorganized attachment, fear of judgment, vulnerability…hell fear of acceptance. I’m so used to just doing that if I was around others for no obvious reason other than to “be” then I’d get really self conscious and uncomfortable…creating a situation(defense mechanism) in order to create space.
Now how does one solve this…force myself into awkward situations? Like exposure therapy? It’s crazy how my desire for connection ends up with the opposite result by my own hand. Self sabotage at its finest…all my life.
2 Likes
Yesterday, I had a hell of a time falling asleep. Visual scenes/memories mixed with fears such as water/drowning and heights littered my mind while trying to fall asleep.
When I woke up and laying in bed, memories of bad experiences assaulted me again. Quite a way to show me processing. The positive was the steadiness of emotions associated. I truly did not want to engage the memories and felt aversion to them, it was uncomfortable to say the least but I tried to not push them away. I could of handled it better.
Emotionally I feel much more in control or at least less wildly affected. I guess 5 min loops can bring intensity too. Reconciliation has been mild with good progress. I’ve been learning more on my attachment style and coming to acceptance of things I hadn’t wanted to.
Disorganized attachment holders do not grow out of it. So it’s an uphill battle for me if I ever want interpersonal connection long term. There are a lot of defensive behaviors I employ subconsciously to keep myself “safe” that will need deep diving on. I’m truly considering adding in RoM for this deep dive but still feel hesitant on running more than this one custom as I believe it’s dense enough. I mean 7 mins is hard enough right now, let alone RoM?
…
Physically my neck issue progress has been slow, too slow. I ended up doing research on vibration machines after hearing a friend bought one. I’ve used commercial ones years ago but never could you buy an affordable one back then for personal use.
It’s been 3.5 days of use and I can feel an improvement in muscle pain associated with it. Doing my job is painful to a certain level and I’m trying to go easy while seeing chiropractor. I don’t know if I’m just aging or what but I’ve never had a physical issue take so long to heal and progress positively. I could run Paragon but I haven’t. I’m afraid of overexposure or too high recon, I’m hypersensitive I think after experiencing it prior.
…
Libido control has improved. I’ve only lost control twice and once it’s over, there’s no desire. So it’s quite random but overall much improved.
I took a small microdose of shrooms 6 hours ago and I have to say my focus narrowed and that’s about all I experienced, which was what I expected. This post is a good reflection, and I’m happy with the majority of my life.
I have been struggling with “shopping” on apps like uber eats, door dash and grubhub…I think it’s a dopamine hit just knowing I can order food and feeling special at work, lol immature. But I didn’t order tonight and I credit that to maybe the microdose and the increase in introspective reasoning, being able to surmise it wasn’t the food but the feelings associated with the ability and status of that privilege? And not having any intense need for suppression of emotions. I’m definitely out of shape and I’m quite unhappy with myself in this regard but I am doing what I can so far, not being to lay down without discomfort, let alone exercising at this point but I am implementing what changes I can.
I do get down on myself but I tend to pop right back up fairly quickly. DR + Modules are really building up and the journey is slow but consistent. Self-Sabotage is the main theme lately. I’m tired of getting in my own way and it feels like I’m starting to see the shit I’m pulling on myself.
I deserve to be happy, successful and healthy.
2 Likes
“Most of us don’t fear that we are not enough; what most of us really fear is our own greatness. Most of us have a fear of success. Why? Because we don’t think that we deserve to be successful in anything.
This is why people recklessly spend their money or don’t work as hard as they could or do things that they know are wrong. They are hindering their own success on purpose, because they don’t think they deserve it. They cut their own legs out from underneath them on purpose. They are self-sabotaging.” – Lisa Bedrick
…
I am, my own worst enemy. In more ways than we realize, this is so true. Instead of expending so much energy raging against the external, imagine how far we could go if we just stopped getting in our own way.
The more I think about how many things I’ve failed, how many times I quit, how many things I didn’t get…the more I realize it wasn’t because of the world, it was me.
1 Like
Random and impulsive loop of Paragon V2 @ 7 mins. Hopefully later today when I wake up, I feel less pain.
Focused all my thoughts and intention on my neck/shoulder. Chiropractor later today as well, this is really starting to affect my quality of life.
1 Like
When someone responds to you in a way that makes you feel rejected, the level of it’s affect on you is directly proportional to your self esteem yes?
I can say while things do get to me, the affect of this is much less now. It doesn’t go as deep and I feel the transmutation of effect go from internalizing to externalizing. It’s a beautiful thing when a personal attack is no longer taken personally 
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.”
– August Wilson
I don’t want to speak too soon but I did a 10 minute combo vibration session this morning then went to bed. Between Paragon and vibration plate I woke up still tired but hardly any discomfort.
Went to chiropractor, had a good cracking and now I’ve been at work for 6 hours so far and I’m feeling better than I have in weeks. Fingers crossed it keeps getting better.
3 Likes
“Other people’s views and troubles can be contagious. Don’t sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others.” – Epictetus
…
If there’s one thing I can say DR has given me, it’s frame control and emotional resilience. I am way less affected by others attitudes, even going as far as challenging their beliefs and uplifting their states. It’s become almost automatic to resist and transmute negative attitudes. I’m fueled by this sense of nothing is ever as bad as people make it out to be, I don’t need to adopt their perspective as my own to empathize or help.
DR has built frame within me. I used to be so wishy washy, bending to other strong personalities. Now I exist in comfortable detachment, unperturbed by others state of mind.
DR, with stage 4…cultivates for you, a foundation for inner peace.
1 Like
In conversations, I don’t get hung up on things much. If someone says something rude, hurtful or just plain wrong I feel the impact but am able to let it move through me and out and then move on.
I also notice an increased ability to express myself. In ways of being honest about something or just standing up for myself to others in conversation. Advocating for myself I guess.
My sense of self has really matured on DR. I keep myself, my beliefs, my needs ect at the forefront now. That self sacrificial, people pleasing demeanor of old is gone.
…
Since running that 7 min loop of Paragon last weds I believe, pain dropped significantly. Had the whole weekend off work too and overall it’s improved about 30%. At work today I can feel discomfort and I’ve had some moments but it’s definitely improved. I will fit another loop in this week. I don’t seem to want to listen to anything more than once a week these days.
…
As far as self sabotage, it’s a process. I know what I want yet I get in my own way. I can see the choices I make and how my behavior interferes but what I don’t know is the root of this issue? Where does it stem from. Is it a painful experience? A limiting belief? This custom has things to address every angle I can think of yet I’m still not past it.
Maybe I just need more time, it feels like I’m trying to find/catch a ghost. The subconscious has programming buried deep and I’m sure this thing isn’t labeled and easy to define/locate. But damn, there is a root…somewhere that is the cause for all this self induced sabotage. Sooner or later…
2 Likes
Therapeuo
Loop 5 @ 7 mins
A lot of things have changed internally for me since starting SubClub, since starting DR but I am still not happy with myself
“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”
–Mark Twain
…
Woke up 3 hours early, can’t sleep and feeling recon. Unsettled, shaken up while feeling doubt. Second guessing anything that comes across my mind. Feels like an internal audit of sorts. Could it be Atman… I will not let this temporary state run my behavior. I can feel a certain way, it does not have to manifest outward. I have much more control than I’ve let myself believe.
2 Likes
Definitely getting the same type of recon. Been having thoughts of switching, stopping or adding subs. Along with wondering what’s happening. I feel recon, I know it’s there but other than that I’m unaware. It’s frustrating.
Everytime I read a good post, or a post that positively affects me, it’s related to RoM…adding RoM would take me off my path and future stack that I’ve planned. But then again why not run it?
Can’t break past 7 mins on this custom, I have to laugh at the instantaneous recon - frustration, moodiness that sets in on 7 mins. I’ve handled it well since my loop. I just wish I could see my growth, changes ect. I literally feel, everyday like nothing is happening and I either feel good or frustrated. Maybe that’s why RoM inserts itself into my attention randomly…maybe it’s trying to help me
2 Likes
I personally recommend RoM as a starter sub these days to anyone. I know it’s artisan line, but honestly, the clarity of path is just TOO powerful.
What if your current chosen stack is actually not aligned with your direction?
As I said, running RoM (solo, after one loop) threw all my stack plans overboard and now I am easily sticking to this one…
Why do you have to?
I keep running 3 mins on anything ever since it was introduced. Works like a charm.
I tried 5mins on EoG recently, but it f’ed me up and I wondered, what’s the benefit gained?
What do you think is the benefit of more exposure per loop?
2 Likes