Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Geoff · January 6, 2023, 3:25am

Went to chiropractor today, 1st visit so nothing but intake and assessment…necks still bothering me.

Anyways, I arrive and am just super friendly with humor just waiting to come out. As I made jokes, the receptionist was too busy with paperwork to really engage with me lol but I didn’t get phased or demoralized like I would have. I felt no shame.

I get called back by this girl and wow, her energy just grabbed me. As she started asking me questions, I found myself asking her questions and smiling back…I’m really not like this at all. It all felt really automatic, like I just needed to laugh, smile and joke around.

She was receptive and smiled but I think she was just doing her job. Doc came in and was really nice also, almost too happy to interact with me. Shook my hand maybe 5 times throughout the visit.

…

I’m really surprised by my internal state. I felt extremely open and receptive.

It all felt really energetic and aura based. The ladies at the front did not seem very excited by me, energetically speaking they seemed “dead”

Energy is changing in me. Back in High School, like 20+ years ago I was high on life…I’m starting to get that feeling again. This intense, internal spark. I used to say in my 20s that I had lost my spark…I did but now I think it might be coming back?

I’ve been under a rain cloud for 25 years, so much time wasted. Who knew just existing could feel good let alone when I start living again. Today’s got me wondering about my whole life and how it’s been set up.

Sungaze · January 6, 2023, 12:51pm

What is more evident now is not really powerfull optimism but a strong drive to “do things” which I didn’t have at all during DR (at least not till 2nd cycle of stage 4)… but it can be Primal I’m listening now
I do home duties, started studing electronics again, playing music instrument, etc…

Billions · January 6, 2023, 5:02pm

If you’re looking for a great book on the ways trauma shapes our society, check out the new book by Gabor Mate, The Myth Of Normal

Geoff · January 7, 2023, 5:33am

I am at work tonight, doing OT and I’ve been looking back at this week since my first loop.

Today(day 5) is when I noticed the intensity of my loop diminish. So I think 1 loop per week is good.

This week:

overwhelming positivity
Internal childlike lightheartedness
Strong food discipline, been on liquids/juices all week. Zero cravings.
Calm mind as far as worrying/stress. The thoughts are there but they have no effect on me physiologically.
Openness towards others
Simple drive, there is no “stuff” in the way of things that need done. It’s like thought —> action.
Productivity, doing things that need done, no procrastination, at work or at home. At work my performance is back to “my normal”.
A sense of caring. More compassionate and kind towards others from an internal viewpoint (inner voice) and when interacting.
Less aversive in general, I’m not avoiding things or ppl like I’ve done in past.
Financial discipline improved in just this week. I no longer “window shop” online and buy this or that(like spending next weeks pay now then paying it off on payday)

…

I’m impressed with everything that’s happened this week. My biggest goal is consistency of results. This is all great but if it changes or reverts then there’s a problem. But I’m feeling confident and motivated by the changes so why wouldn’t I choose to continue such positive action/growth.

I will say I’ve been pretty tired since yesterday. And my sleep could be better but aside from that, I’m actually happy. To feel true optimism is a gift.

RVconsultant · January 8, 2023, 7:12pm

Sounds like DR is working

Geoff · January 9, 2023, 5:06am

Since Friday I can’t really tell/feel if there’s processing going on like I could the 4 days after loop.

Yesterday I ended up looking at those pics I recovered and did one websearch and started to pmo, however after a few mins I stopped and went to sleep. That never happens, stopping and moving on. It’s a start on my way to full control.

The realization came to me tonight also, that I haven’t thought about my past or specifically I haven’t been ruminating over things in my past. I’ve been focused on the present the past two days. It’s been nice not being stuck in the past for once. I can sense I’ll be less and less reminiscent and more forward thinking.

Not sure if it’s the sleeping pill hangovers or my neck issue I’ve seeing a chiropractor for this week, but my sleep hasn’t been great. I wake up hours too early and even after a doped up sleep I still don’t feel rested. If I don’t take anything for sleep, it takes 2 hours to fall asleep. I guess I need a custom with Deep Sleep or maybe once my body is adjusted things will improve. Maybe this custom is energy intensive.

I tried going into a fast Friday but my body just wasn’t into it. Even though I’m basically on a juice fast/feast you’d think it’d be a good transition. I’m not really dropping weight though do to all the simple sugars. I’m considering adding EF Stage 2 to see what happens.

I’ve been thinking about finances more and more this week too, it’s growing in my mind. I wonder where it’s coming from but I’m really finding the doubt to be intense everytime I think about a purchase. The hesitation hits me quick and I end up not going through with it. It’s great to have such a form of accountability even it’s been unexpected.

Edit: I forgot to mention that I was on the phone with my mother and she told me that she wanted to give me a hug this weekend but never did.

Our family were/are not huggers. I grew up emotionally lacking. So this is a really, really unusual thing. Could this be something from the lineage module? It’s good to see family relationship healing. I’ll give her a hug the next time I see her

Geoff · January 9, 2023, 10:37am

Therapeuo

Loop 2 @ 7 mins.

I want to see if 7 mins vs. 5 mins has any effect on when I notice the effects waning. 5 mins dropped off around 5 days.

Listening before bed as always.

Geoff · January 10, 2023, 3:44am

Woke up with headache, went to chiropractor and took off work tonight.

It’s funny how an extra 2 mins put me in mild recon. Headache is barely noticeable now after 6.5 hrs. Mentally I feel full, find myself zoning out and head sensations come and go.

Now I just need to see how long it lasts.

…

I don’t feel that rush of positivity like last week, however I was very friendly, talkative and open at my appointment so that’s still a consistent feature.

I notice I have no social apprehension/anxiety. There is no fear, I just say whatever I say. I’m noticing looks from ppl, at stores or at my appointment. Almost like a response to a confident aura? They aren’t in awe but you can see that they see something.

I’m already sore from the adjustments, and recons got me in a tunnel vision - like state. Pretty sure 5 mins is the way to go next week.

Geoff · January 11, 2023, 4:20am

Still in the midst of recon. Last night and tonight, I ordered out at work, quarts of Tom yum soup. While still technically part of a liquid diet, it’s beginning a habit. Which reinforces that I’m in recon. I would not be seeking comfort if things were clear.

A little moody earlier internally. Been using sleeping pills this week, I need to cut it out. I just hate taking 1+ hours to fall asleep.

Been on an unintentional nofap since Christmas. That’s a nice passive achievement. Though I’ve had increased thoughts the past 2 days of the female persuasion.

Lacking clarity but moving along feeling solid. Hopefully this clears soon, it’s been an unproductive ride post loop. I’m not going backwards but I’m not progressing either.

So I’m seeing recon symptoms now, awareness is working.

Geoff · January 11, 2023, 8:05am

I was just thinking about this. Tonight I felt a little spite when I caught myself playing comparison between my shift and the other. Honestly, I wanted to slow down and well just do less.

It’s funny because I’ve completed more tonight than the past week. It’s such an emotionless, thoughtless, effortless drive that I experience.

It feels masculine, like nothing matters, just do it kind of vibe. DR’S masculinity is putting it all together for me.

Develop a relentless sense of power, ambition and motivation, with automatic harnessing of this power to achieve all your goals

Also, I feel like Growth Through Pain is shining through as well…

“With Growth Through Pain, any pain you feel will easily be converted into unending motivation to succeed and advance yourself towards any of your goals.”

I wouldn’t call spite pain but I guess anything unpleasant is just being transmuted and I’m just moving forward.

It feels really good to see how nothing gets in my way anymore. Emotions, feelings, negativity…all rendered useless in the face of responsibility. The way masculine energy should be

Geoff · January 13, 2023, 5:21am

The past two days have been rough physically.

Recon is leaving as of today. I’ve been in that overly positive mood, energetic at work. Things are coming together again. So being Friday early morning(just after midnight) I guess it took 5 days for reconciliation to simmer down, but I still feel effects of sub so 7 mins so far lasts longer than 5.

I’m torn wether to go for 5 or 7 mins on Monday. Time will tell.

…

There is a positive maturity emanating from me that I absolutely love. This urge to smile and be kind while not acting outwardly like a child…armed with gratitude and optimism whenever negativity presents itself through others.

I’m loving this mindset. It’s what I would like to think that LBH + GLM would produce.

Geoff · January 15, 2023, 6:19am

Letting go of regret has been steady. A lot of things I’ve held against myself or couldn’t accept have left or the energy been released. I used to put myself down or blame myself for actions and choices. Always labeling myself as a quitter, coward or loser. Now those memories don’t hold power. I look back and understand and accept the past.

My mind has been working for/with me instead of against. I’ve been working all weekend and haven’t had time to buy groceries so I ordered out. Instead of following the first move and continue into a bad diet like the past, I’ve stopped and will get back on track as soon as I get time to. This is strength, discipline and doing what’s right. There is no slippery slope or emotional justification of bad choices.

…

My neck/shoulder issue has been rough, increased pain…working has just been uncomfortable but here I am everyday grinding away.

My coworker caught me in a compulsion earlier, called me out on having ocd. I can’t express how fucking retarded I Feel and ashamed I am. I owned it and asked him to keep it to himself as it’s embarrassing enough. I wish there was a cure. It makes me feel broken and incapable of controlling myself and the more worried about it I get, the worse it gets.

I’ve had it since 8 years old officially, I’ve come a long way and I’ll keep working on it but damn does it kill my self esteem/self worth. It’s a big reason why I’m alone, don’t hang out with others and stopped dating. No one wants to be around or with a dysfunctional weirdo right.

…

I’ve been in a good place emotionally, mentally regardless of physical pain and embarrassing moments. I greatly value DR and my custom modules. This custom has really been a blessing and I’m only 2 loops in. There is a lot of inner strength, I can feel it. Just yesterday I had memories of past jobs and of the times with my sons mother…continuous healing. Things are flowing and I’m only getting better with each passing day.

Things don’t stick like they used to. The sting of situations don’t last long either. My level of being impervious is increasing, I guess one would call that Frame and emotional resilience.

Things are just getting better and that’s all I can really hope for.

Geoff · January 15, 2023, 9:24pm

The more I learn, the less I know.

My internal compass is on a roll, I’m really distancing myself from a lot of b.s. I can see so much ignorance, more than ever. I have nudges to call it all out or correct others but I stop myself because what is the point. I find that nudge to do so just egocentric.

Let others figure it out, worry about myself. I will say I’ve noticed annoyance within me for others when I see ignorant statements. I think this is more about me than them. I’m on the road to reconciling acceptance I think. I feel the resistance come and go while wrestling with thoughts.

Geoff · January 16, 2023, 10:24am

Therapeuo

Loop 3 @ 7 mins

I noticed yesterday I woke up kinda low, little meh. As soon as I got outside myself and did something for another my whole inner world improved. I’m sure it was reconciliation but the act of giving made a big difference.

I’ve been learning mind-blowing things this week, the inner peace increases and so my actions are positive as well. I’m really impressed with my state. Kindness to yourself and others, righteousness in all things and life can be amazing, even when living in monotony and oppression.

Filled with gratitude motivated to walk out my life in faith and match my external world with my inner.

Life is what you make it, be the change.

Geoff · January 17, 2023, 6:55am

Tonight’s been weird, most likely reconciliation but I’ve been on this kick to argue, point out or call out things. It’s like hostility but without the anger. Inner state is feeling tired of hiding, tired of the concealing. Fed up and irritated in a way but I don’t see it, only glimpses but I have to restrain myself.

Definitely feeling argumentative in the most general sense. It’s nothing specific but more opportunistic. I think it’s best to avoid communication and interaction when in this state as I can’t see a positive outcome stemming from indulging.

Maybe this is my past clashing with what the present self would do, should have done back then and I find myself wanting to speak up or speak out when I see opportunities around me even if subjects are unrelated or nonspecific to me/my past.

I notice the day of/next day after my loop I feel a little rough.

…

Went to chiropractor today and it’s not really helping yet and was told my job is a big part of the problem. I didn’t want to hear that honestly. I left my job a year ago and ended up back here. I work too much, that’s true. I’m sore and it’s affecting my mood, I see that now. I’m unhappy about my physical state. I can’t run or I’m afraid to run my paragon custom since I overexposed last time and I don’t feel like remaking a lighter version. Not sure Paragon on its own would help but I’m feeling averse to running more than my single custom.

I guess all that to say…I’m cranky. Time to adjust my attitude for the better, all will pass soon. Keep your head up.

…

Edit:

7 mins definitely brings reconciliation over 5 mins which I felt fell off after 5 days. I still felt processing of 7 mins at the end of the week.

Is it “better” aka more efficient to go 7 mins w/ recon for a day or 2 where processing is noticeable the whole week before next loop.

Or

Is it more efficient/beneficial to listen for 5 mins with really no reconciliation and feel effects taper off at 5 days.

Which would yield greater results? Maybe I’ll just alternate, next Monday going 5 mins and tracking. In fairness I did go off my diet the past 4 days due to working everyday, no weekend and not having time to shop for food. I’ve also neglected some minor things and feel a little off my game since doing 7 mins. So maybe that’s my answer if I’d only accept it.

Geoff · January 18, 2023, 9:15am

About 2 days since loop and I’m still foggy. The difference 2 mins makes.

Appetite increased by a lot this past day. I found myself almost unconsciously eating. I’m not even hungry really. I haven’t read my book on trauma in the body in a week.

I think I’ve forgotten the effects of reconciliation, its apparent to me now that it’s affecting my behavior once again. Even once a week is hitting me harder than I expected.

Its been a challenge slowing down. Work wise, setting time for myself. Allowing body to heal. I woke up better yesterday and my necks not as bad as before but I have to keep it light. I push myself too much. This issue compounded over 7 weeks, it isn’t going away overnight. I’ve been stressed over the thought of having to change my work if things don’t improve. I should just let that go for now, worry does no good.

Results from sub seem obfuscated due to the fog. Been in a disconnected mindset since Monday. Neutral, mood wise. Giving towards others but my inner world is hazy, ungrounded.

Thinking about microdosing soon, to see if I can reduce recon, increase processing and improve brain function. I feel like I’m on a low tier as far as subliminal processing. I’m so easily overwhelmed and miss a lot of interpretation of results.

Geoff · January 18, 2023, 10:16pm

The deeper you heal, the higher you vibe, the smaller your tribe, the more solo flights, the stronger your wings, and the more you raise the price of what it costs to access you.

Geoff · January 20, 2023, 3:06am

Each day that passes, I feel less clear. This custom must finally be done with the presults and now digging in.

All I can think is how unaligned I am with this custom, otherwise why would 7 mins and 7 days between loops be so intense?

What can I do to lessen the fog, increase assimilation and execute more? This whole week I feel like I’ve been on literal pause.

…

Went to chiropractor tonight before work. It’s funny, there’s this cute girl who works there. She happened to bring me back today as my normal scribe was off today. She is stunning if I’m being honest. I noticed how I chat her up, ask questions and make funny comments with ease, in the past that wouldn’t have happened. She also says “hi geoff” everytime I’m there. It feels like mixed signals and I wouldn’t know how to pursue it in the 20 mins I’m there. I think wanted would take the small growth I have and maximize it. Soon…

Point is, I can see improvement with self esteem, communication and aura. There is definitely an aura of calm strength, I see how ppl look at me and how I seem to be upbeat, calm and intense in a fun way.

Neck/shoulder is like 10% better but that’s better than nothing.

…

I’m much friendlier and less reactive. Once the recon smooths out, I’d like to feel smart again. Fighting aimlessness this week.

Geoff · January 20, 2023, 9:10am

I think my use of DR has, through me manifested a more positive work environment. I was thinking about the macro at work. How the general mood on my shift has been unusually positive, our most negative and grumpy coworker has been joking more and his gossiping/complaining has reduced from 100% to maybe 30%.

I know that when I interact with the 4 other guys on my shift, that my attitude is always “well it could be worse, be thankful you have it this good” and I’ve been like that for months. If I can estimate when things started turning positive, I’d say September probably and it’s remained steady ever since.

This place is always going to be problematic in the eyes of us workers, but the general mood of my shift has definitely improved and I really can only credit the subliminals and the effect it’s had with and through me.

It’s crazy how much I haven’t been able to see. I wish I could gain more awareness towards all the changes that have come to pass. I have no issues crediting the subs, I just want to notice more results, I know they are out there, waiting for me to realize them.

Geoff · January 21, 2023, 12:58am

This weekend is my weekend to have my son. Everything was planned out on pick up, then one reason to delay then another from my son himself…I could see it so I asked him if he wanted to stay home and hang out with his friends (he’s 14). After some back and forth, he decided to skip a weekend with dad again.

So now I have the weekend to myself…

I felt, for some reason more sad and rejected tonight than I ever have before. I teared up after reading his text about staying put. I don’t know if it’s Emotions Unfettered or Lineal Mandate Modules but this is all much more intense.

I’m used to being alone, I like to try and give ppl and my son specifically room to decide to choose me. I don’t want to enforce anything on anyone and I guess when my hope over being chosen is proven null, I feel pain.

There is definitely an extra layer of angst tonight.

I’m not in a pity party but there is a heaviness within me. Driving home from the store, I almost swiped another vehicle from being so distraught. Walking in the store I noticed others looking at me a little longer than normal. I feel like I was putting out an uncomfortable aura.

I’ve been living openly for the past 3 - 4 months, open to connection in various forms. It takes its toll when you exude openness and willingness and no one connects.

I think I’ve been subconsciously looking for connections everywhere I go. Easily over reading things, like the cute girl at the chiropractor. I’ve been a little excitable internally.

…

This all ties into something deeper that I’m not cognizant of yet. I’m not sure what all this means, but I can feel the heaviness for sure.

Starting to question if I’m a good father, if I’m a likeable person, if ppl can tolerate being around me. Down the rabbit hole self examination we go, let’s hope Divine Self-Image keeps it positive.