Migraines, Digestive improvement, lymphatic system improvements, pineal rejuvenation/sleep improvements, Skeletal alignment/Muscular/tendon issue in right arm and tension reduction for the most part.
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Oh Lord, that sucks. I hope you find relief from using the subs ā truly!
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DR Stage 4, cycle 1
Listening, day 3
Skipped
Reconciliation finally hit today after my first loop Monday. Might just wait until I feel clear enough for another loop.
This past month or so has been unrelenting as far as how disconnected I feel/am from life. I finally took a shower this morning after 3 days and brushed my teeth after 5. Ridiculousā¦Iām in such a blank state that I have this look where I just zone out or go inside myself while fixating on a random object or wall.
I donāt know if all the time and energy Iāve put into working on past experiences, good and bad, that now DR has neutralized it all and Iām left staring blankly at my life, confusedā¦ or if Iāve lost myself/my identity recently, like a computer whose operating system is being replacedā¦Iām not sure whatās going on but Iāve never felt so disconnectedā¦so ungrounded in my life.
Daily life feels so unimportant. I go to work, buy groceries and sleepā¦Iām almost numb to all else. All I seem to do is stand, sit or lay in silence, zoning out but with no real presence of thought. Even on my 5 day washout, I was no better. Have I lost awareness? Or am I hyper aware to the point Iām unable to register stimuli anymore. I noticed today, glimpses of thoughts, little insightsā¦thanks to stage 4 activating. But Iāve been struggling in this empty, surreal space since last cycle.
Even my coworkersā¦I catch them looking at me sometimesā¦with a look of āwhatās up with himā. Like Iām semi conscious. This is starting to bother me a little, why I havenāt snapped out of this yet.
Just now I was caught by the flickering flame of a candle I have burningā¦I was just staring at it blankly. If I was on drugs Iād understand but Iām stone cold sober. Could I be over exposed? Since last cycle plus 5 days washout? I donāt feel traditionally overloaded. I know DR is powerful but damn, itās like Iāve been unpluggedā¦disconnected(thereās that word again) if this is a transition from old self into new self then damn, itās an uneasy feeling.
Lolā¦itās almost as if Iām consciously, in slow motion experiencing an amnesia of sorts to myself while being moved into another reality of self with no instructions or template.
Nothing really seems to matter much outside of basic sustainment (job, food, shelter, rest) and even that seems so roboticā¦I look in the mirror and donāt recognize what I see. Granted Iām prolly just aging and the image I have of myself in my mind does not match what I see anymore.
Iām starting to get the sense to ask who am Iā¦
Discover exactly āwho you are,ā what you believe your life mission is, and how to overcome all obstacles preventing you from reaching those goals.
Maybe DR is finally going hard on this objectiveā¦if so then damn, what a doozy. Iām lost in some killer haze and I donāt know shit.
I feel like I could sit and stare off into space for daysā¦
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Day 3, contā¦
Iāve been unusually calm, also whenever I speak itās always optimistic. Even if Iām agreeing with a coworker who is complaining, Iām spinning it positively while validating there position. Iām not walking around smiling but rather the optimism just flows whenever itās able too.
Silence seems to be my new normal. I donāt engage in anything, rather others engage and I respond. There is absolutely zero need/desire to seek out attention in any form. Itās eerily quiet within. The feeling of being set apart is growing. Disengaging vs. Re-engaging with the world. A lot of this is starting to feel Spiritualā¦who knew DR would take this pathā¦unless itās me guiding myself there unconsciously?
ā¦
Read some posts about limitless and recon reduction. Iām considering adding it to stage 4 or just running solo this cycle. I had thought about RoM when itās released as well, as Iām so mentally involved that increased awareness etc might be invaluable at this point.
Would adding anything to stage 4 really be better than doing nothing and moving forwardā¦
It might be LBH blooming but I keep having memories and moments replay and immediately some form of blame or avoidance pops up them bamā¦compassion and understanding takes over and I take the side of those in the memory/scenario. Ownership, acknowledge and seeing things from others perspectives.
I donāt feel compassion and understanding so much for myself though, maybe because I recognize the things I should of done better? Either way, making progress.
YouTube recommended an artist I havenāt heard(and searched for a few times along the years but never knew the name) and have been listening for a few days, went through every song and found the 5 or 6 I used to play back in 2016/17/18 while with my ex. Some profound stuff. Sheās still there deep down, at least the emotional wounds and memories. Itās crazy how much that relationship truly impacted me. Unlike any of other relationships Iāve had.
Things are starting to move again, Iām coming out of that emptiness and thoughts are flowing.
ā¦
Aside from that, I gained all the weight back after my fast. I donāt know if my body refuses to go under 140 anymore or itās comfort eating or that I donāt seem to know how to eat anymore but this is becoming a struggle. It still feels like a emotional/coping issue. Maybe I should find a way to run the Stronger module. Whatās the point of fasting, dieting or working out if thereās no control.
I will say regardless of my struggles and aside from the empty state Iāve been in, my mood has been at least neutral, more positive each day. Iām just optimistic foundationally now. Itās really a gift.
DR Stage 4, cycle 1
Listening, day 5
Ran 15 mins of my Paragon custom this morning.
Iām running 15 mins of LBH tonight out of impulse, lost a ārelationshipā so to speak earlier over misinterpretation and them finally losing patience with me. Idk, I had way more patience with them and gave way more time. Just another lesson in rejection and return on investment.
I will say the sting is not as bad as it was years ago. Masculinity from DR is definitely apparent in this regard. Emotional resilience improved.
ā¦
I noticed yesterday that my posture is great. I walk straighter and my balance has improved, I used to have a little straying issue when I walked but now itās more solid and straight.
My minds been going a little wild the past day or so over wether adding a sub to stage 4 is good and if so, which one. Then today I run two subs at different times. It almost feels panicky.
I went from feeling good about getting limitless to now feeling a strong push towards limit destroyer.
ā¦
A nice gift is we were offered OT tonight and tomorrow, essentially all weekend. I figure since all I have is my job, I might as well focus on that since every other part of my life is just not working out. I have a long way to go in my pursuit of healing the damage within.
Mood music, definitely one of those nights.
āIntrovert honestly out of my element, still Iām afraid of becoming irrelevantā 
God Bless LBH.
Itās amazing how a change of mindset and perception can change everything. Slight ache in the head since running that 15 min loop but thatās all, so it was a great call. It shifted me right out of that low point. Self love for the win 
Truly and indispensable sub. Iāve ran it what 5 cycles, might as well run it this one too.
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DR Stage 4, Cycle 1
Rest, day 6
āIf every relationship youāve had has been toxic, itās not them, youāre the toxic one.ā
I canāt remember where I heard this, but it hit me hard. I canāt blame anyone but myself. Extreme ownership. Most days I have no issue taking responsibility, itās taking action that trips me up. Mostly I donāt know what action to take or how to solve the problem.
Iāve developed a lot of courage when it comes to owning my part in life. Accepting all the blame for my actions and choices. I donāt think one could heal if one could take responsibility.
The feeling of wanting to reach out to someone who longer talks to you. The mental battle of following feelings vs. Following logic.
It always baffles me to see how easily one can just stop a relationship after months or years of building intimacy. It isnāt sadness thatās bothering meā¦itās the bitterness of regret. Having all that time and energy invested only for them to decide one day that Iām no longer worth engaging.
How do you accept the loss of resources wasted on another being. Things like this make me want to shut off my humanity. I get so angry thinking of it. Like part of me was stolen and then completely devalued.
I think my desire for pride Unbroken is stemming from this situation. Not that it belongs in my custom.
Iām handling things better than I used to. Iād lash out or confront or feel Iād need the last wordā¦not anymore. Iām just tired of my energy being wasted, but thatās more my fault isnāt it.
This is what happens when one lacks options. When one lacks mastery over self. I didnāt lose anyone, she returned me. Itās not really the person or the situation. Itās the unequal distribution of value and my inability to control my own investment.
Shame on me, do better.
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I gotta say, my libido on stage 4 has increased a lot. All guys think about sex but itās getting annoying how much those thoughts have been dominating this week.
Iāve kept it to myself thinking it was just a temporary phase but for real, itās getting ridiculous. Iām even googling pictures at work just to satisfy the constant temptation. I see females when Iām out and itās automatic how it turns sexual in my mind so fast.
Itās gotta be stage 4, I didnāt experience this on the other stages. Otherwise itās from my paragon custom, improving my Endocrine System?
Anyways
How do you shut this off. 
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Ascension Chamber is said to be the subliminal for magnifying specific objectives and switching them on or off. Saint said similarly recently.
DR Stage 4, Cycle 1
Listening, day 8
1 loop Paragon custom + 1 loop Stage 4, both at 15 mins.
Basically running 1 loop each 5 days to a week. Giving myself plenty of time.
I noticed that Iāve been calling things out that I personally donāt like or understand with others. Not confrontational, more just questioning other behaviors, choices etc. Itās fairly automatic, why I didnāt notice outright for awhile.
Still getting memories popping up, started back up this cycle. Not as intense or painful so I must be getting better 
Physically, my neck/shoulder on left side has been painful since using paragon custom. I canāt tell if I need a chiropractor or masseuse. Iām waiting to see if the custom remedies it. It feels more muscle related than misaligned bone. Like a deep knot or something.
ā¦
Been thinking on my coping behaviors and how a lot of anxiety has gone. I know Iām boredā¦with my life. I think boredom is a bigger issue for me than I first thought. Itās the reason I eat more than I need. Why I fast then gain it all back. Why I end up in pmo phases. Iām not running from pain as much as I was pre healing subs. Iām just bored nowā¦Iāve lost inspiration.
Iāve lost interest in most things in this world. Knowing what this world truly is, is a double edged sword and Iāve seemingly taken the understanding and justified checking out. Itās been challenging trying to justify putting effort into chasing worldy ventures like most people.
Iāve put myself into a box so to speak where Iām basically just waiting. It feels like Iām waiting. Itās an excuse and a reason not to participate more than necessary yet Iām so unfilled. How do I enliven my life while still honoring my beliefs. Why, with seemingly āeverythingā available in this world to pursue, do I struggle with cultivating interest for really anything.
It all just appears so pointless to me. Primitive in the grand scheme. We are living in a hunting trap and yet everyone is concerned with shit that matters not. And Iām here venting about why Iām uninterested in this ālifeā. Oh the Ironyā¦
Point is, Iām boredā¦on a very wide scale. This feels like a rant for Alchemist. Itās an internal struggle, a clash between The Spiritual Man and the natural man.
This sounds like DR is working. Now what ARE you interested now? Perhaps you may have to discover that now.
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When Iām at work I usually play Risk on my phone during the downtime. I noticed the past week or two Iāve been playing on max hard and rarely losing, then I went up to full 6 player on expert and keep winning, like itās automatic. I wonder whatās improving.
Aside from that, It took me 3 hours to fall asleep this morning, even while taking my normal sleep aids. I wonder if Paragon Sleep has scripting that nullifies sleep aids? I woke up early too and Iām overly tired tonight. I listen to both subs for 15 mins. I wonder if itās just temporary overload or reconciliation that caused me sleep struggles today.
ā¦
I left my house tonight and noticed a new neighborhood watch sign mounted onto the speed sign basically in front of my house(I live on the corner) really weird yet fitting event, I had to laugh and itās meaning goes deep. Not sure if Iād call it a manifestation but it definitely sends me a message and I got it, loud and clear.
Physically I feel increased soreness, the tension being worked on is unveiling the condition of my musclesā¦itāll take time. I should buy one of those massage guns I see around, help to take action for recovery I guess.
Hmmmā¦is wanting to add subs to your stack reconciliation? I know wanting to stop or switch isā¦
I damn near just bought Limit Destroyer, I listened to my subs yesterday morning, Iām sure Iām reconciling but what I donāt understand is this intense pull towards LD. Iām not sure if getting it would help or hurt. If this desire is positive or negative.
Literally feels like Iām feening for a fix. Crazyā¦
DR Stage 4, Cycle 1
Listening, day 11
Paragon custom + Stage 4 @ 7 mins.
Internally feeling okay. I havenāt had a day off in 11 days, my house is looking unkept and Iām almost sleepwalking through my daily life. Itās very auto pilot. I actually bought gifts for family this year, I swore off holidays and gifts the past few years, I credit LBH for this newly changed behavior.
Feeling less inclined to have conversations with those around me, itās becoming more and more apparent in my behavior as well, itās hard to hide my thoughts and feelings as I can see ppls reactions to me. Non verbal communication is improving or rather expressing itself more strongly. Walking taller, posture is pretty great and I have this aire of just not needing.
Idk, just kind of numb to the monotony. Less tolerant of ignorance, wanting to correct it or point out discrepancies or just tell ppl off. I havenāt yet but the urge is powerful, it isnāt going to help my already insignificant social life.
Never bought Limit Destroyer, I donāt know where these random urges to run diff subs comes from. Iāve never stacked switched or been one to jump around but since starting Stage 4, my minds been grabbing at other options to add. I find it odd and so far have stayed with my stack.
Iām only running my subs twice a week and sometimes that even feels too much. Light headache formed after 5 mins with both subs, so I cut it at 7 mins.
My sense of humor and comedic easiness has decreased also, Iām not as open and receptive. I feel more closed off, not as a reaction to others but as a general state this month. I donāt feel defensive, just really uninterested. 
Christmas dinner catered tonight, custom work beanies by North face and a $50 bill as a holiday thanks from work.
So far every employee Iāve talked to has complained or put down the effort. I noticed my response was always gratitude, pointing out how we could have gotten nothing and how this year was better than last food wise.
Seems my default is gratitude and optimism, LBH really changed my inner mindset.
Emotional control is really improved, this calmness I have, I thought it was dullness, lack of interest but I think itās just new to me, this quiet, controlled state. I have a bad habit of labeling things negatively when they arenāt. Being positive is honestly new to me as well.
It seems that with negativity, mindset wise I was driven to solve problems and worry about the future. Taking action to prepare for things I saw coming. I was a pragmatic person butā¦
Once the positivity came, the sense of urgency and drive reduced, I have less incentive or motivation to do what I used to. I guess fear motivates and now that fear is being limited or removedā¦a lot of action is disappearing.
How do I get motivated, inspired or disciplined to take action without the fear/anger that used to push me. Do people have other sources?
Feeling good, being content or happiness does not make me want to go out and pursue or take on a challenge or work hard for something. It makes me feel comfortableā¦which isnāt good after awhile.
ā¦
The emptiness in my mind is something Iāve equated with negativity but really, is silence or emptiness or bad? Noā¦
I had so many goals last year and now I donāt really have any. I try to save money as usual and Iām working on growing a tomato plant indoors but as far as true goalsā¦I have none.
I think the lack of goals is not helping with the subs, I should have things to work towards. DR is challenging since itās healing but even now when I think about life, nothing really stands out. I have said in times past that to be desireless is a goal and I guess Iām not desireless but Iāve definitely lost drive for the stuff most people chase.
I really need to spend time on the concept of goals and what the next step is.
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Self esteem, does this regulate ones comfort seeking. Been thinking about this all night/morning. The less I feel valued or important, the more I hide and act in secret. I havenāt had a haircut in 3 weeks, Iām due but Iāve been wearing my hood almost 24/7 when Iām out or at work.
I donāt feel particularly down or sad or insecure. I just seem to be hiding myself because Iām ashamed or embarrassed. Itās apparent but instead of doing something about it, Iām looking for comfort, distraction.
Whatās the dysfunctional mechanism here. Whatās causing me to numb the discomfort versus saying enough, Iām done with this. Is it my level of self esteem? Iām starting to think so.
Iām not seeing that DR helps with self esteem, maybe it does but Iām seeing more confidence and sureness in my abilities, like work and tasks but not so much with my internal value.
This comfort seeking behavior hasnāt changed much at all on this journey. Itās a huge issue or obstacles. I think Iām gaining clarity but action is needed. Itās also connected to the emptiness in my life. I read that community and connection is important to combating addiction or its lesser cousin comfort seeking.
So isolated lifestyle + low self esteem - connection = comfort seeking.
I used to consider myself a 6 but Iām hovering at 4 now. I canāt even make the effort to schedule a haircut or make an appointment with a chiropractorā¦I just feel so blah. Nothings feel worth doing, even if Iām experiencing physical discomfortā¦maybe Iām just overworked or itās bigger than that.
Is this all self esteem relatedā¦
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It amazes me how much your experiences with DR reflect the ones I had last yearā¦ moods, internal dialogue, false self-esteem swept away, comfort seeking, etc.
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