Well that’s comforting to hear, ha. At least I’m not as lost as I feel if you had similar experience. Sometimes I wonder how all this is helpful but once I’m through it and look back, I will see. Until then I’m in it and it doesn’t feel good.
Thanks for comment man, it’s solidifying in my current fluidity.
I think I’m still “integrating” my DR ride, ended almost a month ago 
Understanding how it was helpful, not just a mood rollercoast with breaks of apathy here and there…
I certainly changed a lot internally in one year.
“As we become consciously aware of our thoughts, we can learn to shift them in the direction of our intention. It is at this point we enter the space of creation.”
— Chantelle Renee
DR Stage 4, Cycle 1
Listening, day 14
Paragon custom + Stage 4 @ 7 mins.
Listening every 2/3 days is working well. These are both dense and at 7 mins with the rest days, it’s been good.
As far as my 20 module custom, I noticed I’m irritated, I keep having thoughts like “paragon isn’t working” but I keep correcting that and affirming it’s all possible. I ended up with angular chelitis on both side of my mouth from eating too much pineapple. (Cracked corners of mouth) hurts like hell, can’t yawn or laugh. Takes weeks to heal and I’m mad paragon hasn’t healed it. Also woke up to maybe pink eye, I don’t need this shit. I gotta wipe down my area at work, this happens too easily. I know I’m just being dumb but that attitude is bringing about unhelpful thoughts and close mindedness which only hurts results.
…
On the brightside, I just ordered my DR custom. As long as it is completed and sent by next week, I will probably just move into that and run for 4 to 5 cycles. I don’t plan on moving into another stack until spring. This will be the finalization of healing for awhile and will start building self esteem and masculinity after this custom.
…
This is the first year/winter where I’ve actually felt lonely. Usually I’m filled with aversion and enjoy the solitude. Thoughts of wanting companionship have been pressing me. I also bought gifts for family which I haven’t done in years. I think a lot of hurt has been dealt with, LBH has brought compassion and it’s fostered a sense of giving. Things have changed for the better.
…
I’m missing drive though. Self esteem and drive to do things needed. Action taking outside of seeking comfort or distraction is an issue. I can’t stand not understanding why or where this is coming from. The DR custom should figure it out. It’s got enough modules to burn through this weakness. The only module I think could help is Courage Reclaimed but 18 was enough, I’ll use it later. I think maybe victim mindset/thinking justifies comfort seeking. It just didn’t call to me though so idk.
I’ve been avoiding and hiding. Hiding as far as myself, being quiet, wearing my hood up, not engaging and body language closed off. Avoiding as in not getting haircut, ignoring chores at home, not making appointments. Idk what’s up but it’s not good.
One thing at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time. Everything takes time. I’m on the right track.
This changed for me during st4
Sungaze has a good point. Also, DR can be energy draining. How about taking a week off?
I have one more listening day before washout. I am feeling kinda heavy. Stage 4 + my maxxed out paragon custom…draining, yeah it must be why I’m avoiding all I can.
It’s amazing how focusing on the first sign of pink eye and the cracks in mouth corners and I woke up with redness in eye gone and the right side of mouth pain free. The left is almost there. I do have a headache though…
Conscious guidance and focus on specific areas and slept, that’s all it took. I did use neosporin on mouth but really, paragon went to work.
…
I can tell DR Stage 1 is in 4, the weird sad/regressing feeling is flowing through me. Stage 4 really is dense…clarity of mind has been replaced with inability to understand myself again. Recon at its finest.
Probably dense because you’re also running a custom!
Try 3 mins of DR4 for a while 
And probably 5 minutes of your paragon custom, if not 3 as well!
Customs can be listened to for 3 minutes unless they’re SUPER dense… so, if it’s just paragon, another moderate core, and 18 modules, you should be fine with 3 minutes
Would you say 5 mins is the minimum for this? Been doing 7 on both but I’m leaning towards 5.
Paragon Ultimate Custom
Cores: 2
Paragon
Paragon sleep
Modules: 18
Aps: Arms
Aps: Head
Aps: Torso
Aps: Organs
Aps: Legs
Sps: Digestive System
Sps: Endocrine System
Sps: Lymphatic System
Sps: Nervous System
Sps: Skeletal System
Sps: Renal System
Sps: Muscular System
Asclepius
Epigenetic & DNA Modulator
Health Codex
Harmonic Singularity
Pragya
Serum X
DR Stage 4, Cycle 1
Listening, day 16
Paragon custom + Stage 4 @ 5 mins.
I liked Malkuths comment about DR on Saints journal. About it “being awesome if he wasn’t so zoned out”
Exactly. While I’m not complaining, it’s such a big feature of DR. I’m zoned out all the time, half in/half out. Apathetic and detached. Reality feels surreal at times. I’m glad I’m not the only one. It’s just proof of the profound changes going on.
It’s hard to even talk about about my day to day. Because it’s so numb and empty feeling, not in a bad way. Things to worry about, no longer exist. Traumas to relive and mull over are rapidly disappearing. Negative states holding me hostage, giving me something to focus/work on are rapidly declining too.
I think my biggest challenge today is understanding this new state of mine is not a negative thing, not to be fixed. It’s to be improved upon, directed and enjoyed.
I used to spend so much energy fighting anxiety. Coping with life. Now I’m uncomfortable in the emptiness which I should reframe as stillness. I feel bored most of the time now. I guess a trade off of peace in a way is boredom if you’re lacking goals. I won’t beat myself up, I’m still healing. Once the purifying is done and I move forward into other subs, goals will be created.
Enjoy the stillness of mind, the mental freedom and time I’ve been given by this healing program. I tend forget how bad off I was when I first joined. My inner landscape has changed so much already and even though it’s hard to list out all the changes, I can feel it all. I can’t imagine the changes still to come.
Sorry… I’m gonna pull an @RVconsultant and say “this is a great question for support!”
Paragon/paragon sleep aren’t super dense cores, but I have no idea how dense physical shifting modules are
Your comment on stillness is fascinating. I think that’s what i like about pairing DR with an archetype… (I’m using Emperor, but Chosen or any other personality sub would do…)
DR clears the way, Emperor (etc) maps out the path, and with conscious action towards my goals, I walk the path the two of them set.
I wonder if GLM or Chosen would add some spice to DR for you, so that it’s not so heavily affecting your life.
1 loop every 10 days of DR is literally all I need and even then the change feels like too much and I still resist my next loop!
And then you could majorly drop the loops of DR while still making massive progress to it.
Washout
I find the massive changes going on with Billions impressive. Seems like it boils down to goals. Things are radically changing him because he has direction.
Honestly aside from removing dysfunction from my life, I’m pretty aimless. I do actively want to reduce desires from my life and be more and more content with less. Materialism, social status, achievement…not really important to me anymore. As long as I can meet basic needs and have a job, I seem content as I can be.
Feeling decent physically, not overloaded. 5 mins works well. I hope to have the DR custom by Friday, that’ll be 5 days. Half night tonight at work then I’m off till Monday night. Should be a good weekend with my son, I look forward to my optimistic and warm side expressing itself, it’s been long since I’ve been without negativity. Really enjoying the optimistic peace I have each day. I could do with a less zoned out demeanor but it’ll pass I’m sure.
Been following news, alt and mainstream. Paying attention to the massive cold from the arctic hitting North America for example.
I noticed since DR that my concern and worry is gone. While I love that my anxiety is basically gone, the lack of concern I feel is troubling.
I’ve always been pragmatic, making sure I have what I need, preparing for hard times and just being aware. I’m feeling complacent, uninterested and frankly disconnected from concern. It’s bothering me. I should be paying attention and taking action so I’m not caught off guard and suffer consequences.
Proactive, solution based awareness + taking action and heeding warnings was always my standard operation. Now I’m just feeling lazy, disconnected and focused on feeling better as something has been eating at me and I’m avoiding it.
I’ve changed a lot in some ways but in others ways, the good features I liked have gone too. Is this all part of healing. Am I just beat down by the constant inner work that I’ve regressed back to a state of minimum? Seems like it.
Back when I was insecure and anxious, running around like a scared mouse, I was doing things, I wasn’t in the best state, highly erratic but action oriented.
Now, I’m calm, disconnected and apathetic. Unbothered by a lot of things, solitary and quiet but disengaged and it’s showing. Truly, if the power went out or something bad happened, I would feel apathetic and almost uninterested.
Where has my ability to show care and concern gone? To take action in good times or bad times. I’m disappointed with myself currently and have been trying to understand my current state but I’m just left blinking slowly, staring off into space with no real understanding.
Reflecting on this more (I’m running paragon now due to cold symptoms)
The reason your paragon custom was slow to heal your symptoms of cracked cheek and pink eye was probably because of how many other subs you’ve included in the custom.
Apart from paragon, your custom has energy directed to sleep, a bunch of APS and a bunch of SPS, pointing it to specific directions, pointing it away from the needs of the moment, more focused on long term healing.
But paragon heals whatever needs to be healed most, guided by your subconscious, compared to the custom which is guided by the modules.
So if you ever feel like you want to quickly heal a specific symptom, switch your custom out for normal paragon.
That’s ok to do every once in a while just to reduce stack density, too.
Your custom sounds amazing though! That’s the long haul of changing yourself to a healed person. With Dr, healing inside and out
Now you are more in control of what you have care and concern about, rather than being told via media.
So what do you want to care about?
It’s early Monday morning, supposed to be the first day of my next cycle.
I’ve been suffering straight hedonistic laziness mixed with apathy. Distraction, avoidance, everything feels like it requires monumental effort or that it’s just not worth doing.
The past 4 days off I’ve accomplished nothing, maybe Stage 4 + paragon custom is too draining. But I’m not that physically tired, I’m more mentally/emotionally cooked. I’m just so over it all and I don’t feel engaged. I just can’t care. I’m struggling solving problems, doing any more than the minimum. Like I’m on the verge of just quitting life. That’s how it “feels”
My DR custom was completed Friday. I planned on starting today and I’m not sure.
My whole sense of things is jacked up. I just don’t feel like trying anymore. The fear and anxiety that used to drive me is gone. I used to take action to seek out some semblance of safety or security in the form of preparing, gaining knowledge, participating. But now I’m stuck in this apathetic futility. Dare I say nihilism?
Should I listen to my sub or just stay in washout. Seems like the worse things get in the world, the more disconnected and avoidant I get. I used to care, I didn’t want to get screwed over by reality but now it all seems like it’s lacking urgency or importance. Am I just numb, is this a big ass coping mechanism? Is it a lack of masculinity.
Going through a big reset, I thought stage 1 would be the worst and get easier but every stage is just kicking my ass. I’ve got this 100yd stare most days. Preoccupied state mixed with avoidant behavior. I don’t want to put effort into anything.
I need to snap the hell out of this.
I’m lacking clarity, energy, drive, resolve, focus, guidance and support. It’s like DR took a shotgun to my brain and now I’m a dumbass.
…
Is any of this even sub related, or am I just Fubar.
Bro, sorry you feel that way.
A couple of things scream at me when I read your statement above.
There can be a lot of reasons for that and a lot of remedies for that.
You’re advanced enough that you can start having an intuitive listening schedule now. So, if you feel like you’re in the midst of recon, you don’t need to listen to a sub. You don’t need to adhere to a schedule, just listen every few days while you feel ready for more.
You can also just force yourself to only listen twice a week, which sounds like what you need right now, and probably until recon is over, and you stay with paragon/dr, switch back to main-store paragon for a few days. Customs hit HARD for some people, even light ones, but yours is a heavy custom that’s extremely energy draining. I almost can’t listen to them unless I want to go into complete hermit mode.
You’re digging a deeper and deeper hole that you are struggling to get out of.
That hole is yourself.
With DR, you’re digging a deeper and deeper pit into your mind, introspecting on life, going to the darkest depth of your shadow faster than the speed of light.
I really think you need to balance out, expand, your DR journey with the reason WHY you’re running DR.
What goals do you have in the world that you want to accomplish? After your healing is over, what do you want to see for your life?
It’s time to start chasing those goals now. I see you. You’re awake. You’re ready. You’re the man you’ve been waiting to become
You once spoke about more masculinity, but only after DR.
Or perhaps you even want to become more artistic, a better communicator, or a more spiritual person.
There are subs for all of that and it’s time, in my opinion, for you to balance your inward reflection with subs focused on external action.
I don’t think I could be handling DR half as well as I am now if it wasn’t for a clear sense of goals and Emperor to lend me strength.
Maybe for you it’s time to add GLM, like we once talked about before you even started DR?
There’s nothing wrong with running sanguine, elixir, chosen, or any light, happy, easy to run recon-reducing subs. You’ve gone far with DR, why not soothe the wounds a bit now that you’ve opened them up so much.
I wonder if maybe you’re persisting despite so much pain because of a greater pain… the pain of staying the same.
Do you desire to change so much that you’re putting yourself through hell just to “transform” or “be reborn?”
Are you not OK the way you are?
Is that what a man filled with self love would do? Drag himself through hell without mercy, forcing change despite pain and misery, because change is mandatory or else he’s not good enough?
Or would the man who loves himself, the man you’re trying to become, strike a balance between daily happiness and long term transformation?
Sounds pretty much like my struggle.
Thank you for the outside confirmation. I’ve been equating reconciliation with being angry or upset, not really connecting it with this apathetic, laziness.
I’m staying on washout until all this goes away as well as dropping the paragon custom. I think you’re right, name embedding must cause greater efficiency and efficacy thus hitting harder.
Once DR is done, my next sub planned was actually GLM. I’d rather not mix it. I planned on running LBH if I needed some posivity but I’m apparently overexposed to the point I mistook it for going through healing. So once I’m through a long enough washout, I’m just going to run the one sub.
As far as goals, I just want to fix the dysfunction within. Outside of that, it’s saving $ and commit to Spirituality more. That’s basically it. But you’re right, lacking real goals can really create chaos internally. I have been pretty aimless with goals plus the intense apathy is really creating an unproductive and regressive reality.