Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#322

sounds like a good thing. very peaceful. maybe u label ur experiences as negatives and really they r just experiences.

one experience could be labeled as depression or feeling chill and relaxed or some other concept described with sounds and words. but cus u don’t know wat it really is and ur used to putting negative labels on it, its just assumed to be another ‘bad’ thing, and u deal with the reaction that u would have if u experience a ‘bad’ thing

idk if this is ur situation but it reminded me of this

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#323

It’s a good point, as I’ve always had a pessimistic outlook in my past. That is slowly changing. I value my cynicism but pessimism is unhelpful.

My whole life, especially younger years were pretty “negative”. Holding onto a perspective that filters through negativity is exhausting and I thank you for your post.

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#324

DR Stage 3, cycle 3

Listening, day 5

I decided to run 3 mins of ParagonX and DR Stage 3 today instead of LBHX. I’m two days into a dryfast so I figure it was a good call to maximize healing.

I’m starting to understand this blank state of mind I’ve been experiencing the past two weeks. My old identity is what “I lost”. I’ve been feeling so empty mentally, thinking something is wrong, recon etc. But I think the old worries, beliefs and things I identified with are gone or changed.

A lot of beliefs have been challenged, ideas and patterns. Some left and some stayed but nothing feels or seems as concrete as they used to be, mentally speaking.

I’m going through an identity shift I think.

All the pain, traumatic experiences and beliefs about life, people and myself that I’ve aligned with are being dealt with.

No wonder I got concerned, this has never happened before. It feels like I’ve lost parts of me, in a sense I have but not really. Inconsistencies, grudges, fears, pains, safety mechanisms, coping behaviors, beliefs stemming from bitterness and hurt…these things left and I’m left feeling blank. This feeling of unending mental space. There is no more shit my mind is constantly processing, fighting with myself…it’s quiet.

I’ve never felt more blank in my life. Having next to zero anxiety, nothing to worry about or dwell on…I started thinking something was wrong lol. Maybe this blank feeling = freedom and I just never knew what it was like!

Yes…identity repair. What a concept.

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#325

Just bought Spartan, I’m going to run 3 mins to stay strict to my cycle. Just hit 4.5 days on my dryfast and too many thoughts about quitting hitting me. I hope Spartan recenters me. Gives me that dose of willpower to finish strong. This is a complete detour from my stack but I find it necessary at this time.

…

So far this week, my mins been pretty empty with the exception of one basic thought. I’m bored. Bored with life. My zest at work is dying, it’s concerning but I’ve gone from being a neurotic, people pleaser run by fear, anxiously working hard to avoid being noticed…to understanding I’ve changed and this job is basically a means of sustaining myself…nothing more. I work with dead people. I’m in an area full of people who don’t think but follow trends and crave to be entertained. Women are so far from the traditional ideal that I’ve given up the idea of partnership. My relationship with my son is Luke warm at best, he’s a teenager in high school so he’s living in his own micro world, so I see him less and less.

I don’t recognize myself, the old me isn’t there much anymore. The new me is still integrating. Lost in translation is the best way to put it for now.

But I am thoroughly bored lately, not just in a physical sense but wholly. I continue to ruminate the idea and the more I do, the more I hear in my Spirit “all is vanity” and “What will it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul”. This doesn’t mean give up and not try but I guess don’t it let it consume you, get off the treadmill of success chasing. Just live for truth and righteousness. This world is but a moment, what we do here matters but the world itself matters not.

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#326

DR Stage 3, cycle 3

Listening, day 7

Ran Stage 3 + Spartan @ 3 mins, 1 loop each.

I almost ended my dry fast at 5am, that’s 5 days. Something inside me said don’t quit, don’t stop now. That’s Spartan.

Started at 150lbs, currently 132lbs.

My fast is better than it usually is except for my stomach and the gagging and dry heaving. Some say that’s a warning sign…I’m not convinced and neither is Spartan. At this point, any time past 5 days is a bonus.

I have realized this week that I’m not mentally tough. I have work to do. I’m not a complete weakling but I’m not as mentally resilient as I was thinking.

Keep growing, keep evolving, keep moving forward…through pain, through distress, don’t stop trying.

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#327

Hard to say you’re not mentally tough, when you’re in the middle of a dry fast.

Maybe you could be tougher… sure… but that takes extreme grit!

I’ve tried, given up after more than 18 hours

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#328

You fast a lot which is awesome. Best form healthcare is fasting.

I’m curious, whats ur longest fast dry and wet?

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#329

Longest dryfast is 5 days, I was aiming for 7 days but the random dry heaving was starting to really concern me, so I’m now on water for the next two days.

Longest water fast was 22 days last year.

I juice a lot, there are cheat meals, emotions cause comfort eating but that’s a big reason why I run healing subs. I’ll be juicing again by this weekend.

You?

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#330

Thats awesome.

going way back i had intense motivation i haven’t had recently so i haven’t done anything other than short fruit fasts lately

but in my life the longest dry fast was 3.5 days

liquid would be 6 weeks but the last two weeks transitioned back into food with blended stuff so its more like 4 week

i try to fast but the motivation isn’t there like it use to and i think running healing subs will put me back on the “path to wellville”

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#331

I agree, I bought Spartan Sunday because I started hearing negative thoughts and doubt creeping in.

I learned on this fast that my adrenals still need work and there is a liver/gall bladder issue otherwise the reaching would not have been experienced from day 4/5.

I’ll continue on water for 2 days then move into juice. One step at a time.

It’s hard to find time to dryfast with my job and shift (3rd shift) but I always take Thanksgiving off to fast while others eat themselves to sickness. (No judgment) I prefer to cultivate gratitude.

There is nothing more divine than cold water after 5 days of nothing.

Keep up the great work brother.

#332

I felt like I wanted to cry when I broken my first extended dry fast with water. A very unique emotional moment.

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#333

DR Stage 3, cycle 3

Listening, day 10

Paragon + Stage 3 @ 3 mins.

Broke my fast this morning, 7 days with 5 dry and 2 water. Fell asleep and forgot to listen to subs, so listening tonight.

Friday I’ll be back on LBH.

…

This has been a quiet week, mentally I feel much more free. Coming to grip with how the world is, where it’s all going and how I fit in it. A lot more detached from materialistic pursuits, I’m starting to see just how sick and unbalanced others are and I feel more compassion. I used to chase others approvals, attentions etc. Now I realize we are all lost.

I like being a loner, I used to feel like an outcast but now it’s a choice and I feel stronger for it.

A lot of the things I used to see as negatives are now looking positive

I’m less and less hyped about my job, the value is low but I’ll keep working because of what I’ve built up but the satisfaction has gone. Not sure I’m going to live at work anymore, OT as much as I can. I’m craving balance, time alone and peace. It seems no matter how much I work, how much money is made…things don’t change that much. Everything is only getting harder.

I walked through my local store and had a basic look on, I looked at others in the eyes, no social fear. I felt secure in myself. Self identity is getting stronger. I honestly can’t believe sometimes how calm I’ve become. I went from anxious ppl pleaser to calm and uninterested through DR, it’s such a gift.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it, embrace gratitude.

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#334

If you work night shifts have you started to explore Andrew Huberman’s podcasts? He’s got an entire analysis of how to optimize sleep and health for those who work graveyard shifts

If you’re focusing on health, he has MANY good podcasts out. He’s a neuroscientist at Stanford and any topic he summarizes becomes by far the very best summary of that topic available anywhere.

This video is about shift work

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#335

Thanks bro, I’ve seen snippets of his talks, mostly on motivation and retention but not shift work.

Yeah I’ve been on nights for 8 years, even on weekends I keep the same night schedule not to disrupt things. I’ll check it out. Thanks again

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#336

DR Stage 3, cycle 3

Listening, day 12

LBHX + Stage 3 @ 3mins.

Being off on vacation is boring. I took 3 days off but with holidays and weekends. It’s 9 total. I feel empty…but not in a bad way. Rather this journey has emptied out a lot of preoccupied trash and now I’m left standing in an open warehouse metaphorically speaking.

My desires…generally are low. My zest to go out and conquer…really not there. I don’t know what I want aside from basic needs like housing, clothing, food and maybe my gardening hobby. I see most ppl chasing money, girls and status/power…I don’t really resonate. I sometimes wonder if that’s a bad thing?

…

I will say that I’m developing a warm, internal kindness…for myself and humanity. Thanks LBH

Identity and understanding who I am on a personality level seems to be the highlight of this cycle.

Where do I fit in within a dying society. How do I or should I participate in it’s sickness. I give a lot of thought to my loner disposition thinking I need to need to change but I probably don’t, for what am I really missing? Drama?

I am bored though, I don’t dabble in “entertainment”, rather the boredom seems existential. You can’t work into monetary success when the the system we exist in is completely transforming, that’d be counterproductive. You can’t pursue truly great goals with all the rules, policies and oppression and in existence.

It’s not nihilism but damn, feeling stuck is an understatement and the value of action in today’s world is so low. You give 100% and you get maybe 40% value from it. Quiet quitting…I get it.

Inspired action…Inspiration is sorely needed. Consumerism within my niche is about all I have when it’s payday. Everything feels so lifeless, so vain.

Maybe Stage 4 will invigorate me in the future. It’s not depressing its just reality.

…

Edit:

I’ve listened to this more times than I can count. Not sure why but I feel strongly pulled to this song. I’m not a big music listener anymore but damn. Weird mood.

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#337

Wow. You are diving deep.

#338

DR Stage 3, cycle 3

Listening, day 15

LBH + Stage 3 @ 3 mins.

I don’t really have the words…but I’ll try.

This has been a good cycle with 3 mins. I’m unsure if I’m experiencing a completely different form on reconciliation than I have previously or if I’ve been mentally cleaned out and just blank/dazed by effect.

Memory, grounded-ness, focus and belonging have been issues all month. A sense of detachment mixed with incoherence follows me everyday. I’m disconnected to the way I used to be.

I used to hate hearing people say “I don’t know” to questions. I used to feel disdain towards those who never had acceptable answers, for me or anyone. Now here I am…with the same answer, oh the Irony. The level and intensity of obscurity right now is unrelenting.

I absolutely do not know right now. The more I learn, the less I know. The quieter I get, the more confused I become in the silence.

I think I’m in the right place but how would I even know. Things are changing quickly, too quickly but at least I am on the Rock.

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#339

DR Stage 3, cycle 3

Rest, day 16/Washout.

I’ve been experiencing intrusive thoughts, specifically one that causes immense discomfort. It hit me hard yesterday and is here today. It must look at your issues day, not sure how to overcome? I embrace the issue, play it through in my mind, engage the scenario yet its still in my face.

Quite a lot of anxiety yesterday morning at work, increasing the closer I got to the end of my shift. Feeling anxious again due to this perception.

This feels deep rooted, beyond my own comprehension. Definitely feeling that old neurotic sense, antsy, avoidant and awkward. This is when physical compulsive behaviors manifest, to quell the anxiety(which only exacerbates it)

Maybe I’m finally engaging with the core of this curse and these are side effects of subconscious excavation. I hope so, I hate this feeling with a passion but it’d be worth it if it would finally be healed.

…

EDIT: (11/30)

Today will count as my washout. I was going to run my last loops of this cycle but I just don’t feel guided to. This whole cycle has me quiet, reflective and just constantly empty minded. It’s such a weird state for me, I’m not used to such a lack of mental activity. I’m not used to the mental silence, part of me is thinking something is wrong but it’s not…the noise is just gone.

I’m still trying to accept this, it’s so crazy. I’m not worrying, overthinking or stuck in compulsive thoughts. Moments come and go, sure…but the majority of my mental space is empty. I never thought I’d get to this place.

I don’t know what I want anymore. Plans are obsolete and thoughts don’t matter much. Everything has lost its luster, it’s shine. I hope to move out of this comfortably numb state I’m in currently. Apathy as far as lacking interest…life feels mechanical right now.

What is the next right step…

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#340

DR Stage 4, cycle 1

Listening, day 1

1 loop stage 4 @ 15 mins.

Expectations, ornery mental state. Critical of self and others, intolerant perspective and judgmental attitude this past washout. All internal, haven’t lashed out or shown this state, it’s just my current mode of operation within. I keep trying to figure out why.

Felt like I’ve regressed this past week. Maybe things are trying to play catch up, idk.

I listened to my paragon custom yesterday for some odd reason. I’m not going to be running LBH this cycle. Just stage 4. Ever since my last cycle, things are just vapid, empty. It’s been bothering me a lot. What stings is that this was exposed not created…can’t blame anything. Dealing, accepting such things…still just confused :confused:.

Silence vs. Emptiness.

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#341

Excuse my ignorance, are you trying to heal something in particular or just preventative/general well-being?