It’s so start and stop man. I’ll be going strong and consistent for 2 weeks then fall off. I will say consistent action was there on stage 2, once stage 3 hit, I fell off.
I will focus on taking some kind of action each day, forming habits.
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For me, Dragon Reborn results were almost always surprising. It’s a program that defies easy prediction.
Makes sense since it drives evolutionary growth and transformation.
But the process itself can feel wonky.
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Can reconciliation come in the form of true depression?
I do not believe listening to DR and LBH caused depression but I’m in it. I’ve lost interest in a lot of things. I find it hard to do the little things each day. I’m avoiding chores at home. I’m leaving work early instead of staying to get the overtime. I can make myself get things done if I have to but it’s inconsistent at best. I’m essentially only hurting myself and I feel tired and indifferent about it.
Is this part of healing? Part of reconciliation?
I do not like myself right now, I’m chasing dopamine hits wherever I can and it’s only causing a greater crash.
Maybe tomorrow when I run Exp. LBH, something will change. But right now I just feel disgusted with myself, my mindset and mood.
I don’t know where this depression is coming from. Did the subs peel back layers and expose what’s been here for years? Or is this stemming from realizations about my reality as it is. Looking at myself and my little world.
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DR Stage 3, cycle 2
Listening, day 2
I ran 1 loop of LBHE at 15 mins. Lighter than standard zp. A smile formed around 1 minute in. I felt these literal love bombs, something like a wave of energy or an emanating chill. It Happened twice, maybe 3 times. I feel more tired after listening and I think I feel less depressed, slightly more hopeful feeling. I do not feel processing, heaviness or anything really. Pretty smooth.
Stage 3 of DR, I ran 1 loop at 15 minutes, just see if I’d feel recon in any form following LBHE. Slight processing feeling but nothing like previous cycles loops.
I’ll probably drop back to 7 minutes Thurs. I know I’m changing, things are different in some ways and the same in others. I’m lost in translation lately. Maybe it’s integration because I feel so unsure, even of things I was previously doing with confidence. Nothing feels right anymore, things are not as familiar as they used to be.
I could be detaching or maybe just losing touch with the old me and all that came with it. I think this could be related to Identity.
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Change and the letting go of habitual identity statuses and markers tends to include phases of lower energy and lower mood. Those lowered energy states are described by some people as depression.
However we label them or understand them, it’s still important to address them.
The holy trinity of wellbeing are activity, repose, and intake/elimination.
For the physical body, these are expressed as Exercise, Sleep/meditation, and nutrition/digestion.
But the same principles are at work on various levels of our beings.
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Am I engaged in activities that harness and express my energy and my resources and that ultimately give energy back to me in beneficial ways?
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Am I letting go of striving and activity at appropriate intervals and giving myself a chance to renew and restore?
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What am I taking into my system? Am I taking the time to hold onto the useful parts and to release the unhelpful parts?
You can ask these questions about your body, your heart, your relationships, your intellect, your mind, and on and on.
But anyway, yes, in natural systems, growth follows wave patterns. Up, down, equalize.
You can get through it.
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Thanks Malkuth, that helps. I’ve been trying to figure out why I had been so low the past week, lower than usual.
LBHX really turned my mood around today. Quite effective. I hope to focus on more productive behavior/actions going forward.
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One thing I’ve noticed that’s really hard for us is this:
We see pain as punishment.
If I’m in pain or discomfort then I must have done something wrong or someone else must have done something wrong.
That’s a reasonable thought to have.
But we take it too far.
We blame ourselves for the pain we feel.
I think everyone does this.
Pain is often a sign that there is something that could be adjusted. But it’s not always a sign that someone has done something bad or wrong. Or beyond that, it doesn’t mean that ‘i am bad’ or ‘i am wrong’.
In childhood, pain is often used to carry home lessons about right or wrong. I think that reinforces this tendency that we have. But I think the tendency is more fundamental than just child-rearing and training.
I think that animals in general have a tendency to perceive pain as PUNISHMENT.
Pain and Discomfort can be circumstantial. And they don’t mean that you did something wrong. At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with seeking out a greater level of comfort in life. And I do wish you and all of us happy and (somewhat) comfortable lives. 
I just prefer to look at pain as a puzzle rather than as a PUNISHMENT. I find that moral dimension to be a distraction that often wastes time.
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LBHX
Tonight, I am at work and my coworker offers me some food from his order. I accept after first declining politely and his re-offering.
Now we were just chatting and everything coming out of his mouth was about being positive. Being happy at work, doing the best you can. Knowing you can only control the way you respond to life, that you can’t control things outside yourself.
He’s just throwing out all these sayings about being positive while I’m sitting on the bench next to him.
These things are Definitely connected to LBHX.
…
I also don’t seem to be in my head tonight. No heavy reflection or introspection. I don’t feel super focused and present either. I guess it’s still just that light feeling. Hard to describe, but I’m just not bogged down or full of thoughts.
I like the introspection I have but it’s been a nice break to get out of my head tonight.
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DR Stage 3, cycle 2
Rest, day 3.
This morning around 4 am at work I felt anxious. I noticed I had some compulsive behaviors manifesting to cope with it. I started trying to pay attention and had glimpses of memories, flashbacks of poor situations in the past. Basically DR was processing stuff and I could feel the anxiety, guilt and shame emanating from the past.
I slept a solid 9 hours but woke up tired, I am still tired. I think this LBHX is unlocking DR even more so than before. While I was trying to sleep this morning, when I closed my eyes, I could almost feel the rapid processing in my head, behind my eyebrows in the frontal lobe area.
I’ve only ran 1 loop of each track over 24 hrs ago and I feel pretty good from a mindset perspective. I could be extra tired from working 12 hours last night (I actually did it) and I’ll be working 12 tonight due to a required meeting in morning. But my mood is stable.
Since I’ve been at work, my coworker(same one from previous entry) came over and told me that he valued our friendship. He plans on ordering food all week up to his Bday on 11/2 and to expect treats.
Also a 1st shift worker staying late offered to grab food for tomorrow that I could get in on(not free, but he will pick it up)
The attitude around me is either neutral or positive. I’m seeing the general environment around me is increasingly positive and manifestations are popping up.
I’m really impressed with this new build version, especially how it seems to be improving DR. I honestly feel like the processing that happened this morning was more than I’ve had all last cycle.
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Thoughts
I’ve had negative thoughts towards the new operator at my cell. I haven’t even met him, I just notice things that I don’t like within my area, things I know he’s doing or not doing. I am creating resentment then imagining negative scenarios in my mind.
Shouldn’t this not happen on LBH? I don’t even understand why this happens. Am I just still healing and learning to let go?
I had a fellow group member on telegram whom I communicated with regularly months ago, one time I messaged him a simple question and he never responded. I still to this day resent him and hold a grudge, I mentioned it tonight to another friend. It felt because he was their friend too that she took his side more or basically discounted my feelings over the situation. I do see how silly this is, I’m not blind but the emotion behind it is strong. I thought I let it go but obviously not.
How do I actually let this stuff go. How do you defend against resentment. I like to say that I forgive people and that things don’t really matter but they do, or else I wouldn’t be carrying this shit around.
It’s obvious that I felt hurt over the person basically writing me off, never messaged again, only to hear how he’s coaching a few people in the group. Like wtf is wrong with me? This is some childish and immature stuff but it goes into one of my deepest pet peeves…not be acknowledged, to be ignored as if I don’t exist. I don’t know the root of this but it’s profound…from childhood, being disregarded growing up.
…
Maybe just bringing all this up means it’s being dealt with. I don’t need to be creating negativity in my mind over coworkers who I don’t even know. Control issues? Yea…growing up in a chaotic childhood with very little control has created the extreme on the opposite end.
Like Luther always says, traumatized beta male behavior.
I’d very much like to get past all this weakness. I obviously care a lot and am highly sensitive to actions that affect me. Very black and white thinking.
Just thinking about the above issues has me feeling anger 
. I have to ask myself why, does any of this truly matter…no. But here I am affected.
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I’ve been overly sore, muscles in my body fatigued and tense.
Does LBH/X have scripting for the body/tension?
I run my physical custom once a week, I have a physical job. The amount of soreness is unusual since I haven’t worked out in weeks and my job isn’t that hard.
It’s mostly structural, back, shoulder, neck. I guess where most carry tension. The custom has Harmonic Singularity but this is too recent to relate it all to the module.
This is a big reason why I don’t push working out, if I’m tense and sore almost all the time, then how would working out muscles help. Can stress, emotional pain and just grief, guilt, shame and fear cause so much tension that your whole body gets sore? It’s starting to feel like that.
Even texting after awhile, my forearm starts to feel sore. I mean what gives…is that even normal?
Could my bed be such an issue that I’m just sore from that? I don’t know what it is but it’s ridiculous to be in such a condition.
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Rant
Man…people just do not give a shit. At least around me. You can’t get deep in conversation, play with ideas or even bounce around a subject trying to contemplate it and it’s effects
It’s all surface level. Entertain me, help me avoid and escape.
One girl is a literal therapist and in conversation she cuts me off when it doesn’t suit her. She’s a therapist who treats me like hers, why do I bother talking to people like this? Oh right…low self esteem? It’s like my options are, accept shitty people or have no one to talk to. That’s how it seems anyway.
My buddy from HS, you can’t have deep conversations with him either. He’s ALL about entertainment and consumerist status. He’s also shit at listening.
People are selfish by nature, I’m fully aware but just once it’d be nice to meet someone around me that I could be genuine with. I spend 99% of the time hiding who I really am from people because they don’t care or can’t handle it.
Where I live sucks but I imagine it’s honestly no different anywhere else. We are born alone and we will die alone. I don’t know why I’m so affected, attached, invested. It’s hard for me to let go. I can see that.
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Is it acceptable or “normal” to feel animosity, hostility or anger towards people while running LBHX?
I’ve said previously that my mind has been overactive since I ran this with DR Stage 3. I seem to be feeling angry and this feeling like an uncompromising, unforgiving attitude. I’m feeling a little fed up with the people I know/in my life and that I talk to. It’s all so useless with little value.
I guess I’m experiencing reconciliation now that I’ve typed it all out in these 3 or 4 posts this morning.
I’m supposed to run my loops today(it’s around 3:30 am). Now I’m not sure, do I even need to. Would it benefit me or hinder me…or would it make no difference.
Did my conversation last night trigger this reconciliation. I was perfectly fine until after that conversation.
Even though I’m hyper processing reconciliation, it’s very manageable and I even feel more compelled to dig into it than before, hence all these consecutive posts. I’m overly focused on whatever is going on inside.
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DR Stage 3, cycle 2
Rest, day 4
Skipping today’s loops per reconciliation. I woke up irritated due to financial holds, what made it worse was my impulsive actions and now I have about $9k tied up in pending transfers. If only I just waited literally an hour.
Aside from my rash actions which sets me back a week, I’m feeling okay. I was introduced to important scriptures this morning which really hit home for me over holding bitterness and resentment.
1 Samuel 15:23
King James Version
23 For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the Lord, he hath also rejected thee from being king.
The world rebellion means bitterness.
מְרִי
merı̂y
mer-ee’
From H4784; bitterness, that is, (figuratively) rebellion; concretely bitter, or rebellious: - bitter, (most) rebel (-ion, -lious).
…
I am defiled by bitterness and so I need to let things go. Forgive and love others as myself. It’s such a hard thing to do. I can only imagine how strong one has to be to love their enemies. It’s unbelievable. I struggle just not holding grudges over petty things.
Hebrews 12:14-16
King James Version
14 Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:
15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
16 Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright.
Defiled in Greek means…
μιαίνω
miainō
me-ah’ee-no
Perhaps a primary verb; to sully or taint, that is, contaminate (ceremonially or morally): - defile.
…
These things are poison to us, to me. I plan on using Ares and Discordia Deliverance in my Stage 4 custom when the time arrives. I must use conscious effort to release bitterness, it doesn’t matter. In 50 years I’ll most likely be gone(88) and these grudges will mean nothing. It’s all uselessness, vanity.
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LBHX
My coworker handed me a new pair of jeans he bought that did not fit well. He couldn’t return them. He also bought tacos and gave me two.
The guy on 1st handed me the food he mentioned yesterday he’d grab for me, I owe him $15.
Either way, since I ran LBHX Tues, the amount of giving has increased. The mood in the shop I work in has improved as well.
I wish manifestations would shift from food to other stuff, I’m trying to stick to my diet 
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DR Stage 3, cycle 2
Listening, day 5
1 loop LBHX + Stage 3 @ 15 minutes each.
I no longer feel like I have to listen to less time, granted I did take 2 rest days vs 1 since starting LBHX but it seems worth it.
The positivity and vibe around me has changed for the better. Coworkers come around me more often. Food offers, got a pair of new jeans. No real drama or complaining around me.
One grumpy coworker who has been less grumpy this week doesn’t come around me like the others but I don’t read into it.
…
I haven’t bought any junk food, chased comfort or pmo’d at all since starting LBHX Tues. It’s only Friday but the thoughts/urges to do any of that is just not present.
I’ve also been consistent in building habits for the past 3 days. Consistency is the key word, daily discipline. I hope this continues and I don’t get knocked off track because I’m loving it.
I worked a lot of daily OT since Tues night lol, that’s all LBHX and I’m working the weekend shift too. So crazy how I left half a night sun night and only 9 hours mon night while depressed…to 12 hour shifts and positive mindset with one loop of this Experimental version. I just, it’s mind boggling.
I feel like I’ve improved more this week on LBHX then this whole time on DR/LBH. It’s unlocked…some thing. Supercharged everything, healing is on a higher level, more impactful.
…
I’m still sore and I cant tell if tension is melting and I’m experiencing the the effects or what but I’m just feeling way too much tension in muscles…from tension/stress or tension melting away.
Looking forward to more great days.
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I think I spoke too soon. I woke up in a mood, edgy with this “I just want to be left alone” vibe. I’m at work and I’d like to just go home.
15 minutes of both sends me into processing/overload/reconciliation etc. It’s definitely not as harsh as standard zp, that’s for sure but I’m going to have to drop to 7 mins. One of these days I’ll get the right pace.
Currently feeling sensations in the head, forehead/frontal lobe. An off mood and desire to be alone. Not feeling talkative at all, lacking patience to tolerate external interaction, aversion to it. Feeling a lack of drive, dragging my feet at work…my mind just isn’t in it.
I can’t leave though, only 2 of us in shop so I have to stay.
All in all, way less frustrating than the recon of old.
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Sounds good. This is a type of “balancing.”
It may be too extreme, but you can also realize that part of your complex is needing to be nice and pleasing other people.
You don’t know for sure… maybe you’re acting more normal than you think, but the deeply conditioned part of your brain assumes that it’s wrong when certain parts of what you’re doing might be totally normal.
There’s also a pendulum swing.
You’ve been extreme one way, you may go extreme another way, but then you’ll balance out.
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DR Stage 3, cycle 2
Listening, day 7
Custom, 1 loop @ 5 minutes.
As soon as I hit 4 minutes, I felt hyper/anxious and a more labored/burdened feeling. Interesting way to feel.
Been thinking of stopping this physical healing custom for awhile, I haven’t because I think it’s just recon.
I don’t notice much but it’s 2 cores and 18 modules, going to take awhile. Not sure what actions to take on it since it is just physical healing based.
Been sore, tired and generally feeling beat up all week. Made some changes in my home as far as brightening things up. Spent $60 on changing my thermal curtains out from dark gray to ivory white. I think this is a reflection of an improving inner world.
They say your external environment is a reflection of your inner environment and I’m noticing small habits daily and changes.
I’m less negative, more patient, positive outlook within reason(not deluded). Putting in more effort in around being clean/tidy than normal. Bought way too many candles to keep the home smelling nice. I’m starting to care about my reality after so many years of “who gives a shit” blah blah blah.
I wish I cared about my physical body, I’ve been dealing my issues in my right arm from my job coming back again, chronic muscle pain, weight gain, undisciplined eating and general unhappiness with myself physically. I guess that will be the next goal after fixing my mental/emotional. This custom is dense so I can’t complain, just seeing impatience with myself creeping up. Funny how I can be more patient towards others but less patient with myself lol.
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A sense of evolving maturity is building. Since adding LBHX, I’ve been more committed, less talkative, more positive and desiring to be alone more often.
I’ve been keeping up on daily habits all week, not backsliding at all. I’m happy to do it now.
No real reason to converse, joke, gossip or discuss anything with others.
I’ve talked about making my home brighter, I seem to be embracing self care in my environment more.
I have this renewed sense of self reliance. I’ve always been the loner but now it’s a positively inspired loner. It’s changed from avoidance to choice.
…
My inner foundation is more mature, I just feel more my age lately. Things are in transition, a lot of stuff is in process to be integrated.
Conversation with my friend all week has been different, even she agreed. Neither of us can identify what exactly, but things are evolving.
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