Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Geoff · December 26, 2022, 7:41am

Yes, I was just having thoughts earlier about how much of a p.o.s. I am. How disgusted with myself I feel and just how unworthy I feel. I’m definitely not happy with myself, how I am and the the more contempt I feel, the worse my behavior gets. Kind of like, the higher the stress the more comfort seeking.

I absolutely do not want to stay the same. It’s crazy how LBH gave me so many gifts in an external way but I never felt anything internally focused, didn’t feel loved or valued or any sense of self esteem. Just patience, compassion and understanding towards others…quite apparent in that regard. But for myself…not so much.

Anyway, I thought what you said was quite profound.

pacman · December 26, 2022, 7:51am

How long did you run LBFH ?

The times I ran it I felt the need to draw boundaries very strongly.
I also felt calm.
I had lots of states in public I also didn’t feel angry or irritable.

Geoff · December 26, 2022, 7:56am

I started, I believe on my 2nd cycle of stage 2. I ran 3 cycles per stage so that makes about 5 cycles of LBH.

I felt quiet optimism. I still do.

My issue lately is the manifestation of my behavior in reality, my actions and lack thereof are just jacked up. I’m not doing the rights things and doing too many bad to keep it simple.

My personal sense of value or self love must be shot. It concerns me how I never got that aspect from LBH. I’ll add it to the stack once I finish my extended washout.

Geoff · December 28, 2022, 11:06am

Washout

Day 7,

I’ve been waiting hoping to feel better but with each passing day, the intensity has grown. I haven’t felt this much guilt since I got out of jail for drunk driving and starting my sobriety journey. The shameful realizations and the contempt I feel for my past is unrelenting this morning.

Past few days have been robotic, like I’m on autopilot still. All is quiet on the outside but damn do I feel backed up inside. Honestly, there are moments where I feel a little crazy…whatever that means. My sense of self is being examined and the struggle with knowing myself is rough.

My sense of judgment is compromised, reactions to things is below average. I see the way I drive, I’m slow as far as attention and reaction. Too detached or preoccupied. I don’t really engage with my coworkers, I just kind of give answers or replies. The confidence in decision making isn’t there.

I’m still feeling like an aversive hermit. The lack of clarity is profound. I can’t really tell anything. I couldn’t even perceive being overwhelmed.

I hate the feeling of knowing your subconscious is working some deep stuff out but you get nothing except the feelings/mood associated with it. I don’t have a clue what’s going on but I feel uncomfortable as hell and erratic and awkwardly confused.

It’s probably going to be awhile before I need a loop of anything. I’m starting to think…looking back, that I’ve run my whole DR journey too much…that or I have very low flow factor and I’ve just overwhelmed myself for 9 months.

This week’s felt like I’ve been running stage1 & 2. I’m getting my butt kicked.

Geoff · December 30, 2022, 7:08am

Washout

Day 9

When it comes to overexposure, how long does it take until one is clear or ready for more? Not that I’m in a rush, just curious.

I’ve read posts on the forum on it. Saint mentioned in 2021 that zp was capable of executing for up to 3 weeks. I’m wondering if I need 30 days before I restart since I’ve overwhelmed myself to the point of all the unhelpful effects I’ve experienced.

It’s really quite something to look at the past few weeks and see myself closing up, recoiling and sabotaging and yet think it was just me healing or going through something. I couldn’t even perceive overexposure, that’s the scary part.

I’m feeling maybe 10% better. Been edgy and impatient with myself since last night. Anxious feeling. I’m recognizing this intensity of contempt for myself growing…a sort of fed up feeling for the way I’ve been. I’m feeling shame in the fact that I thought I was running subs correctly and was on track. And now I just see that I’ve kind of wasted 6+ months ignorantly overwhelming myself and slowing my own progress.

I never intentionally intended to overexpose but here I am, learning a big lesson. The more rest days that go by, the clearer things get.

I thought about sanguine today, how it helps reconciliation but I haven’t seen anything on wether it helps clear overexposure. My assumption is abstention is the only cure for overexposure so I won’t be running anything but I did consider it because I’m feeling pretty shitty, physically and mentally and well…in all ways honestly. I’ve been regressing for almost 2 months…

I did that fast weeks ago, well I gained 20lbs back. I’m sleeping and yet feel exhausted. Impatience and edginess and I zone out a lot. I’ve been acting hostile to policies at work that are changing(just realized that today and accepted my state). I really need to take a step back.

I’ve been wanting to change so much that I inadvertently got in my own way. I’m so glad Billions pointed out to me what was going on. It’s been unnecessarily rough and my rigidity hasn’t helped.

I just want to say that I’m sorry, to myself. And I’m sorry for not being able to recognize that I was overexposing.

Geoff · December 30, 2022, 7:25am

Overexposure

Hostility to rules/limits
Increasing negativity
Impatience
Feeling like the light has left you/empty feeling.
Zoning out/cloudy thinking
Inability to recognize or distinguish reconciliation from processing/Healing.
Regressing in daily life/not doing what you used to.
Loss of interest in pretty much anything
Comfort seeking/escapism
Sleeping well but feeling exhausted regardless
Edginess/anxious behavior, feeling distraught but can’t identify why.
Isolation/hermit like behavior
Communication and interactions reduce or stop.
Apathy
Nihilistic outlook
Robotic/autopilot demeanor
Feeling like you’ve lost yourself

It feels like you become a complete zombie as the overexposure increases. I can see now that if I had kept going, I would have sabotaged my life. Impulsive decisions based on feelings, not logic. Not caring about much. I see why it’s so important.

Sungaze · December 30, 2022, 10:28am

My suggestion would be meditation.

Don’t know if you have any experience but I’m basically referring to “just noticing” the unfolding of reality (basically thoughts, emotions, perceptions, sensations).
Everything of the above is in constant transformation, but there’s an underlying stream of consciousness perceiving reality.

Stay in that and look everything unfold, you will probably think into the past or future (describing, evaluating, etc) thats normal, when you notice this you are again in perceiving the present moment (a thought unfolding).
Thoughts always refer to past or future, not direct experience of the present moment.
Relax into the present moment it’s accepting, embracing, non judging.

Another very good entry point to this would be somatic meditation, meaning body based practices (look into Reginald Ray for example).

What you drescribe in the post above has the right to be there, the fact that it’s currently manifesting is it’s right to be.
But the suffering one feels is actually the resistance to it’s unfolding (due mainly to fear), it’s like trying hard to still something that is moving.
Ego desparately need something fixed, unchanging, that feel safe… but beeing temporary itself it looking into temporary things (good or bad doesn’t metter) to create an illusory self.

I know that from ego’s point of view this can feel frustrating, and a misunderstanding.
But suffering is resistance, resistance to the constantly unfolding reality.

If I can be of any help feel free to DM me

Geoff · January 1, 2023, 2:17am

Washout

Day 11

Well I’m feeling better. My sense of self is returning. I started doing things again. Since Friday I have…

Juiced and stopped eating junk
Laundry
Pulled battery from car, charged and cleaned terminals.
Changed air filter
Oil change(tomorrow)
Did the dishes
Bought coolant/washer fluid
Cleaned out car
Adjusted headlights some more/changed bulbs
Looked up and bought washer machine part to fix issue
Filled quart bottles with oil(car burns oil)
Started reading a book that I’ve avoided for months.

Motivation and discipline is creeping back in. I would not have done anything if I was still listening to loops. Last weekend/Christmas holiday I was a straight zombie for 4 days stuffing myself with junk as a coping mechanism.

As far as this book, it’s The Body Keeps The Score by: Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.

Funny thing is, I saw it online back in August or September, never got it. Then that girl I was talking to who basically told me goodbye, she sent me her copy before it fell apart. Never read it. Then my sister bought me the book for Christmas lol. I’m thinking I am supposed to read this book. So I am on ch. 2 so far.

Still feeling a little full in the head, sometimes still fixating/staring into space. Still not grounded, I can sense I am still in my head but the bad side effects are dissipating.

I am just happy to be aware of it all and that I am starting to take action again. I literally felt like I was losing myself in overexposure.

As I said in the thread about qualities/skills. I plan on becoming 1. Consistent and 2. Detached. I can do anything for a little while but I want to keep good habits/practices long term. And I’d like to live life with a Detached mindset. Having OCD, everything feels attached, important and ever intrusive in my life and it’s not healthy. I want to live in such a way where I can interact with and be around things without it affecting me personally. If things do effect me then to be able to disconnect easily without issues.

2023 is going to be a rough year with pain and struggles in a macro sense but all I can do is control my Micro world. Be adaptable and unattached.

Happy New Years

Geoff · January 2, 2023, 6:30am

Today is 13 days, I am going to start my custom. I will be honest and say I feel some apprehension but I think it’s just fear and if don’t get back on track, the fear might turn everything negative.

I had a really productive weekend, mindset is good and I’ve been doing everything I need to do without hesitation or procrastination.

Changed oil in car
Finished laundry
Read more of my book on trauma
Cleaned driveway and porch
Juiced for work
Cleaned up dishes/kitchen

I’m quite happy with this sense of direct action. I really enjoyed myself this weekend.

…

Therapeuo

Loop 1

I named my custom Therapeuo. It’s Greek for - To Heal, Cure, Restore Self.

Therapeuo

Core:

DR Stage 4

Modules:

Ardent Light
Ares
Attachment Destroyer
Atman
Discordia Deliverance
Divine Self-Image
Emotions Unfettered
FEBRUUS
Foundation
Final Showdown
Growth Through Pain
I AM
Lineage
New Beginnings
Omnidimensional
Stress Displacement
Unlimiter

1 loop at 5 minutes. I’m not confident 3 mins will cover everything so I’ll run 1, 5 min loop, once a week.

…

Edit: post loop.

At 4:30 I experienced some weird chills. I also feel really geeked about this custom. Excited for sure. Some forehead sensation in the prefrontal cortex, especially the left side above eyebrow.

Life is good

Geoff · January 3, 2023, 10:40am

I had what would normally be a shitty night at work, my area was down and I was forced to run in another area. Normally I would have been quite unhappy, even spiteful.

I don’t know if it was divine self image or stress displacement module but I had this “don’t worry, be happy” vibe all night. Things were not the way I would have liked but that’s as far as it went. I felt detached and just carried on.

Aside from physical sensations in my head that happen randomly, I feel little to no reconciliation effects today. I was worried this custom was going to be rough but so far I’ve been in a beautiful mood and still grinding steady.

…

I’ve been reading that book on trauma steadily and it’s starting to help me understand that I’ve been stuck for decades. I think part of my constant quest with self improvement/healing is due to me wanting to escape the frozen state bad experiences put you in, physiologically speaking.

I’m glad I put lineage in my custom, I think my childhood and relationship with my mother is a defining moment for traumatic experience reconciliation. I don’t know if she’s responsible for my development of ocd as a kid trying to cope or a physiological effect of a weakened or damaged endocrine/nervous system…or both. But I feeling confident I’m on the right track.

…

When the mind is clean, calm and at peace, the environment is too.

Geoff · January 4, 2023, 3:22am

Proverbs 16:9

King James Version

A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

…

Angels have free will and we can choose our path/course of life. However the Lord orders our steps. Does this mean that the way we go about things is divinely structured at all times?

What about in my past when I walked according to the power of the prine of the air, the spirit that worked in the children of disobedience? When I decided to engage in wrong doing such as fornication…were those steps ordered by him? I would guess not since I was of another spirit at that time and not his.

But once under Grace, is all a man does of his own will?

I wonder a lot about fate, destiny and self direction. Was everything I’ve done in my life meant to happen? Was I meant to find subclub as a means to something else?

Do I have autonomy or do I just think I do?

…

It’s been a really great 2 days so far. Running a stage 4 custom with 17 modules after 1 cycle of stage 4/paragon custom that I overexposed on is really something.

Daily discipline and consistency is going good. I haven’t procrastinated on anything and I have a positive attitude/outlook on tomorrow each day. I feel thankful, in a real way.

Reality feels funny today, I wonder if I really have any say about anything or if I’m just allowed to believe I do.

Geoff · January 4, 2023, 4:49am

I am not sure why I feel so giddy/positive inside. I’ve been looking at my Modules and only Stress Displacement makes sense…

Stress has negative effects on our spiritual, mental and physical health. It is no wonder that we unconsciously attempt to relieve stress in so many different ways. Now there is an efficient way of doing so, by easily removing all feelings of stress and replacing it with positive feelings.

I’d say this feature is the most profound effect I’ve experienced since running my first loop of Therapeuo.

Since I’m a high stress individual, I guess it makes sense that I feel overly positive. The more stress = more feel good, lol.

I do feel pretty care free, though not deluded. I have concerns and things I’d like to take care of, but there’s no worry, nagging fear or stress.

This might be my favorite module so far.

Geoff · January 5, 2023, 12:23am

Hmmm…

Slept like trash today. Maybe 6 hours. Cold in my house, it never gets better in winter. Took 3 hours to fall asleep as well.

A lot of sexual thoughts, imagery and mental temptation. Ended up recovering images from a deleted flash drive to look at as the memories got too intense. No action taken from them but nonetheless available. Females and the past seem to be the common theme today. Memories of interactions, reminiscing of relationships.

Is this reconciliation and it’ll all pass or is it comfort seeking to avoid something. I’m not sure yet. I was hoping Ardent Light would obliterate this “evil”… at least that’s what I would qualify all this as. It’s definitely not good or helpful. 3 days post loop and the first challenge appears.

Definitely feel tempted and “attached” to this one girl. Everything was deleted, so why dig that back up?

Mood is still light hearted and positive, it wouldn’t take much to get me to laugh and joke. But I do feel kind of edgy/uncomfortable with any thought related to women right now. Consciously I want to flee from temptation and desire which is attachment but it’s nagging me.

Could this be related to attachment destroyer ? Some kind of “feel it to heal it” process. This all needs to be overcome, let go of…transcended.

Don’t resist it but don’t participate either

Lion · January 5, 2023, 2:31am

Yes. Absolutely yes. It doesn’t feel like it when it is happening though. Lord knows it doesn’t my goodness I hate it at that time! Lol! But the healing is happening.

Very soon the clouds will part and you will see the bright blue sky.

Lion · January 5, 2023, 2:36am

Oh by the way, tell your mind “I am in control! I decide to be free of these thoughts and I decide to be happy!” It will change due to the conscious guidance.

I do that during recon these days. Sometimes it takes a second but it works.

Geoff · January 5, 2023, 2:49am

Thanks Lion it’s been a weird day. Glad to see you know what’s happening.

Lion · January 5, 2023, 3:08am

Anytime my brother

Sungaze · January 5, 2023, 11:27am

Honestly it looks to me it’s still integration (resurrection lol) from DR previous cycles, but I might be wrong

Geoff · January 5, 2023, 9:14pm

I honestly have no idea man. Stage 3 of DR made me feel like an adult inside vs. a kid in the objectives…now since my 1st loop of custom, I wake up with this child like giddy happiness, it’s way too easy to smile and laugh.

Either way I’m not complaining but I don’t know what’s responsible for it.

Maybe getting out of overexposure recently allowed a total bloom. That was a powerful lesson I learned.

Did DR give you a powerful optimism at all?

Geoff · January 6, 2023, 3:25am

Went to chiropractor today, 1st visit so nothing but intake and assessment…necks still bothering me.

Anyways, I arrive and am just super friendly with humor just waiting to come out. As I made jokes, the receptionist was too busy with paperwork to really engage with me lol but I didn’t get phased or demoralized like I would have. I felt no shame.

I get called back by this girl and wow, her energy just grabbed me. As she started asking me questions, I found myself asking her questions and smiling back…I’m really not like this at all. It all felt really automatic, like I just needed to laugh, smile and joke around.

She was receptive and smiled but I think she was just doing her job. Doc came in and was really nice also, almost too happy to interact with me. Shook my hand maybe 5 times throughout the visit.

…

I’m really surprised by my internal state. I felt extremely open and receptive.

It all felt really energetic and aura based. The ladies at the front did not seem very excited by me, energetically speaking they seemed “dead”

Energy is changing in me. Back in High School, like 20+ years ago I was high on life…I’m starting to get that feeling again. This intense, internal spark. I used to say in my 20s that I had lost my spark…I did but now I think it might be coming back?

I’ve been under a rain cloud for 25 years, so much time wasted. Who knew just existing could feel good let alone when I start living again. Today’s got me wondering about my whole life and how it’s been set up.