Making me think I should do a second cycle of Ascension lol
Thurs, tracking
Tired, more than usual
Strong apathy and disinterest
Spaced out and disconnected
Unproductive at work
Today was just off, woke up 1.5 hrs before I needed to be up. Physically tired and mentally checked out. My productivity at work was unimpressive, I moved slow today too. Reached out to old employer to see if any jobs were 1st shift, the lady responded that after getting input from supervisor and ppl who trained me that the consensus was that Iād be better off at a company with routine and standardized work. Lolā¦nicest way to say that no one wanted me to come back. It irritated me for an hour or two but now itās whatever. Job searching isnāt going well and I feel resigned to my current reality. Iām trying to shift my focus towards acceptance and making the best of things.
Looking forward to neurofeedback tomorrow, I feel like todayās struggle is reminiscent of earlier sessions when my frequency was too low. Last friday we did a dramatic change and dropped frequency to ground zero and I guess today Iām experiencing that fully.
All I can say is Iām fully dissatisfied with my current situation, not seeing any way out of it but knowing this will all pass sooner or later. I could use some positive vibes today
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When was your last washout?
Probably 4 weeks ago when I started 1 loop a week. 6 days of processing.
Fri, tracking
Today was a long day, long week really. Coworker came over to me today and said heās heard numerous times from the higher ups that Iām a āhell of a good workerā and very productive and he just thought I should know.
Neurofeedback went ok, frequency increased a little bit along with only training 3 sites instead of 4. Quite tired today.
Wasted a few hours on someone who showed me how little Iām seen by them. Long way to go however Iām becoming non reactive and frankly indifferent to it now. Just need better boundaries. I have the boundary module but Iāve yet to recognize its expression externally so far.
Iām starting to recognize that the agony I feel towards my job might not be the job itself, rather just me. The discomfort and disconnect Iām dealing with has me feeling irrational all week. Iām realizing that even if I do find another job, Iāll still feeling how I feel and therefore Iām just going to chill out and give myself time.
Going to drop Sundayās loops to 12 mins.
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Which module?
The Boundary
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Sat, tracking
Up at 5:30am, forced myself to run. Not that motivated, struggled with pace and stinkin thinkin but I finished the run. I woke up with a lot of self critical thinking today, maybe I was processing some stuff in sleep and itās carried over.
Still thinking about how I essentially gave my Friday night to another last night, I guess The Boundary is expressing itself, as upset/anger internally over me not having a boundary last night. Now I only seem to need to speak up on these things. Iām not sure why I have so much trouble with this. I try to treat others in the way I want to be treated and give grace but itās rarely reciprocated yet I continue giving pieces of myself, time, energy, support etc all to my own detriment of course. This issue is probably the root of my self criticism today.
I have yet to experience that LBH āblissā I see posted about. Is the lack of having/maintaining boundaries a serious sign of low self love? It seems to be the case. Fearful Avoidant attachment style is terrible with boundaries and I can fully see that in me. It makes sense why I get so much reconciliation with LBH and this custom. I figured it was LotS causing much of it for some reason but thereās definitely deep roots this custom is hitting.
Iāll add to this throughout the day if needed
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This is a tough one and something I relate to. Is there anything youāre trying to avoid happening or prevent by engaging in this behavior?
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Probably trying to avoid disappointing the other. Avoiding abandonment is possible. Also seeking connection/attachment and disregarding myself/needs/wants for the facade of connection.
Like Gabor Mate always says, we sacrifice authenticity for attachment. I sacrifice my āselfā in order to pursue an illusion of sorts. Somehow I need to do the opposite, sacrifice attachment with usury disguised as people for the sake of authenticity.
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Itās definitely tough changing the direction of those lifetime habits. Especially when you get caught in the moment.
Sat, tracking
Continued -
I felt convicted this afternoon over hiding something between myself and another. I decided to come clean and repent knowing it probably would not end well. And sure enough I just lost that relationship. Ultimately I did the right thing after doing wrong and Iām happy about that. I feel sad about the loss even though weeks to months ago I was praying to find detachment from this person and here I am, prayer answered. It wasnāt healthy and honestly unrighteous but I couldnāt walk away.
I feel Iron Frame has helped me today along with the rest of the custom. To have both feet in the metaphorical fire 
and stand solely in my guilt with full acceptance without wavering emotionally and fully taking the negative energy waves crashing into me without any change in me was impressive. Call of Honor definitely played itās part as well. This whole thing feels like Iāve leveled up in honor, dignity and integrity. Honestly itās as if Iāve regained something that I had lost.
Somehow I feel more at peace than unease and Iām grateful. Itās as if the chains I had on me are gone. I choose to live in Truth, and in Truth you find Freedom.
Amen 
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Sunday, 8:30am
1 Loop LBH - 12 mins
1 Loop Custom - 12 mins
Woke up with the sniffles and a headache. Listening to the subs has increased my headache slightly. Weather is changing, cooler temperatures always affect me at first.
Curious to see if 12 minute loops still result in a 3 day recon trip like 15. Iāll probably continue reducing exposure by 3 mins every sunday until I notice a possible sweet spot.
Not feeling too great this morning but Iām hopeful that by this afternoon my demeanor and physical state improves. There is a heaviness today, maybe yesterdayās situation is reconciling deeper today. It always takes time to dissolve attachment, regardless of the type of connection. I guess internally Iām mourning that connection loss, on the surface itās okay but underneath I feel the weight. All in good time.
Idk if itās just my mood but thoughts about changing my subs has been on my mind. Circumstances change and you just lose the reason/drive for running what you chose. Not even sure I know what I want to run, kinda just want to run LBH itself, solo. Maximize it since I donāt feel it the way Iām seeing others describe their experiences. Could be just too much information but even with 6 days of processing itās not obvious. Iām probably just rock bottom on LBH objectives and I need time. I get the feeling that since my brain is not yet optimally regulated with neurofeedback, that input from subs or anything really is at a reduced efficiency/capacity. I can only imagine once we find my optimal level that everything just clicks and I level up in a sudden, beautiful way.
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Mon, tracking
I ended up catching a cold from yesterday. Called out of work today. Iāve had a headache since sunday and difficult to analyze reconciliation today considering I feel like shit generally.
I realize today that this month Iāve let go or had things removed from my life. Iām realizing there really isnāt much I want from this world. Itās as if Iām being cleaned in a way, hard to explain. The amount of disinterest I feel is absurd. While others are trying to make it big or get girls or build empires, Iām looking to walk away.
I think about Ascension, Emperor, Khan, Wanted etc, and thereās this doubt, this big question of why. Does any of this really matter outside of the world. I think Iāve misplaced my why for running my custom. Is this recon or evolution. I know I havenāt fully assimilated it as the reconciliation is consistent. Maybe itās the recon itself that wants me to stop, exactly why I havenāt. Iām just at a loss for the big picture, what am I trying to achieve. It all feels so vain, such a strong urge to walk away from life, whatever that actually means.
Maybe having a cold has gotten me to pause and reflect on what Iām doing. For what, itās the thought that comes everytime I think about something. Everytime I want to take action. This, why attached to every idea or plan I come up with. Is this bad or good.
Idk, maybe I just donāt feel good so my filter is negative. Iāll try again tomorrow.
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Mon, 1:30pm
I ran a 3 min loop of Paragon. I know itās my rest day but Iām not responding to cold meds and my headache just wonāt stop.
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Tues, tracking
Paragon stopped my headache, was still a challenging day at work. Felt a lot of frustration today again, mostly towards my job, idk why itās so aggravating to me. Moderate tension too.
I can see clashing beliefs playing out, like a tug of war going on in my mind. As much of a struggle as itās been, I do feel stronger in some ways. More apt to tolerate and just do regardless of the internal chaos.
Khronos Key is so helpful with my job, it knows how much I donāt want to be there and my shifts just seem to go by faster than usual. Stronger + Temperance really have helped kill all impulsive behavior and empower my self control.
This stack is just pushing, but it pisses me off cuz I donāt where itās pushing me.
Weds, tracking
Today hit harder, not if my cold reduced enough to let the recon shine or what.
Neighbor texted me this morning asking for a favor, I never responded because 3 days ago I asked if he wanted 2 steaks I had because Iām sick and didnāt want them going to waste, he never responded. So he texts me a half hour ago asking if Iām still sick and that he needs a favor. So I tell him to ask the other 2 neighbors around us cuz Iām not with it today. 
one sided selfishness, maybe Manipulus showed me and says enough.
I felt some small guilt but nothing like before. I donāt mind helping ppl but to be blown off then ask for a big favor just isnāt right. I should have done it but I didnāt. Still reconciling the dichotomy of it all.
Iām unsure about this custom, itās helping but Iām tempted to redo it, cutting some stuff but doing so when everythingās getting upgraded seems unwise. Today felt borderline overexposed as far as how Iām feeling but I canāt say for sure, could just be facing some shit. Still tired of my work, getting moved to the complicated shit next week and I just want to quit. Is this from too much listening? Since I āshouldā be having big confidence but instead Iām stuck in IDGAF mode. Getting railed in child support, $683 a month, almost 350 a paycheck. Iām not happy, LBH is spinning its wheels it feels like, Iām unhelpful to neighbors and neutral at work. So will things change or am I just flooding myself with too much. 
What are my goals, I should take stock of what I want, whatās improved, whatās left etc. Thisāll give me better clarity
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Thurs, tracking
Full of frustration, clashing beliefs, questioning. Speeding home again, between 90 to 100mph at times, impatient while feeling indifferent towards my actions. My shifts at work can only be described as agonizing and boring. Everyday I want to quit but I canāt tell if itās me or the job. Will the angst go away if I find another job? Today I realized itās probably me, my internal world is on , burning shit down.
Ppl seem to gravitate to me, make comments to me, offer help in conversation. Was at the meat market after work, I helped out this guy who seemed confused, he let me go ahead of him, another lady helped me find the apples I was looking for. Ppl just seem to be overly attuned to me as if they are waiting for a reason to engage me or assist.
Itās funny because in this recon, I seem to be doing the opposite of the subs highlights. I feel unfriendly and stand offish, less productive, avoidant with things at home. I just veg out when I get home as if my minds saying, fuck off I need a vacation.
Challenging week, everyday I think about stopping this stack. Probably going to skip this coming loop on sunday, add to the washout/processing days.
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Have you tried extern affirmations to shift your mind in a positive direction conciously?
I have not, what if any are good examples?
Iāve tried psyching myself up and/or talking myself through rough moments. Iām glad Glm is in this custom, some moments of inner frustration want to boil over into a physical manifestion (outburst, physical reaction, irrational actions, etc) but Iām able to exercise restraint.
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