Geoff's Journal - Closing The Gap

[Geoff]

Sat, tracking

Yesterday was uneventful. Went to neurofeedback, came home and passed out by 8pm. Quite discouraged yesterday.

Woke up at 3:48am this morning from a dream when I apparently swindled some guys previously, and was at a soda vending machine when cornered by a guy who called me out. We agreed that I would pay back what was conned and the moment I thought we were good, the other 3 guys showed up and I was told even though we had a deal, they were still going to beat me up and as soon as I felt the impending fear I woke up. First time I’ve dreamt and remembered anything.

Since I’ve been up, I’ve been carrying this sense of fear this morning. I went for my usual run but got half way and between the dark, the wind and a owl hoo-ing a few times I got spooked and turned around. I jumped when something in my neighbors driveway fell over and when I was home, I unplugged a cord and I jumped as the cord fell and hit the wall sliding down. So…skiddish for some reason.

This is unusual for me. I wonder if I’m processing some fears or reconciling past experiences. This whole past week has been quite crappy but today’s theme is purely fear. I wonder what will come from all this.

I’ve been dreading today because I’ve pushed off changing my brakes for weeks and I have to get on roof to clean out gutters. There’s been a struggle with indifference and not caring about basic life. Lots of avoidance and disregard. As if I’ve been resisting the custom I’m running. I’ve always tackled things I needed to do but lately I just can’t seem to care. I’m chalking it up to reconciliation and assuming it will pass while forcing myself to just start doing things wether I want to or not.

Thoughts of running my ST. 4 DR custom for this fearful day come up but I won’t, I’ll just push through my processing days as usual.

[Geoff]

Sun,

Today is supposed to be my next listening day where I continue dropping my loop time by 3 mins each week. Today should be 9 mins.

I am dealing with high apathy and angst, aversion to going back to work and this ever-growing sense of pointlessness. If it’s not reconciliation then I don’t know what it is. So I’m washing out, I’m not confident if I’ll even continue this Custom + LBH. It’s probably just too much as well as how out of alignment I probably am with these scripts. I’ve struggled my whole life fitting in and the sheer amount of reconciliation I experience, is just a testament to my misalignment.

I haven’t felt so irritated, upset, angry, frustrated with myself lately, I’m sure DR was worse but I think I need time off as most days the idea of sabotaging my life is strong. Quitting, walking away, moving, ending things etc. There is no growth mindset, I don’t see a future, effort feels like action in vain, it’s overwhelming. I’m not sure what in this world I’m working for? It’s all going to shit and my mind is telling me to just do what I need to sustain but to go out and conquer and build and grow feels utterly pointless. Maybe this is one big ass block or limit or maybe I’m just a realist with open eyes. 🤷

I don’t think I use customs the right way, or I over pack them seeking to maximize but end up getting in my own way. Lots of doubts, I see others with pretty cool results and sure I’ve had results(not discounting anything) but my life is still stagnant and empty. I’ve taken action, most likely not consistent enough action. I’ve made changes such as day job from night, re-enrolling in a program and seeking therapy but I’m still not right, internally. I know it isn’t all on subs to transform me. Maybe I’m just impatient. I guess I want to experience a profound shift and find inspiration.

Inspiration is something I think I desperately need. That pointlessness I talk about, all is vanity mindset isn’t helping me even though it’s true. I thought I was doing good being IN the world but not OF it, but it’s a struggle while living it.

Anyways, between neurofeedback and subliminals, my mind/mindstate fluctuates so much that I hardly feel grounded and stable. The irrational thinking, defeatist attitude, reconciliation of beliefs, turbulent emotional states urging me to make chaotic decisions that could upend my life in considerable ways causing even more trouble for me to deal with. If I do use subs after this washout, the rest of the year it’ll most likely just be LBH as I think it’s the closest thing to finding the Inspiration I sorely need. It will also help pick me up off the floor so to speak as I’m feeling stuck on lvl 1 unable to move myself further for some reason that has yet to find its way into my understanding.

There is no point in stacking or customs for me, my brain is trying to find homeostasis, process my traumatic experiences, reconcile the past, stabilize the present and inspire a future in liu of the reality in front of us all.

@RVconsultant would you kindly close this journal? Time for me to take some big steps back, pause, reevaluate, stabilize and with caution and awareness take another step forward.

God Bless