Geoff's Journal (CFW + Regeneration + Elixir)

[Geoff]

I’ve ran Paragon Ultima maybe 4 times since purchase and the past two days I’ve fallen asleep faster and the quality of sleep is deeper. My left foots plantar fascitis has been appearing this week and I think it’s a sign of impending healing?

So far I’m impressed with paragon.

CFW - my first cycle was great. The anxious, hurry up rhythm I possessed was cut in half and I was granted relief. Now on my 2nd cycle with regeneration added and I can say I understand what others meant when said it kills productivity. Healing subs do this according to forum.

As far as that call back for a job, I did not return the call. Inside I feel good, content with myself on a normal level. But when it comes to my interaction with my environment, I’m failing. I literally have motivation to pursue an interview. Besides the job, I notice I’m not really doing anything outside of my routine. No taking chances, no looking for opportunities wether scholastic, social, romantic or employment. So pursuing a new job during healing just sounds like I’d be setting myself up for an uphill battle.

I seem to be comfortable internally to the point of not doing more than necessary yet conflicted externally, actions wise. Maybe this is regeneration? But I think it’s CFW.

I have yet to notice anything regeneration wise. I get flashes of past scenarios, memories, awkward situations etc. But I had these with CFW also, which has regeneration. But other than that, I’m unaware of its possible effects for now.

I will say that in the past 24 hours this low level anger, more like internal irritation has been hanging around and I think things are happening that I’m not aware of. I had thoughts of wanting to switch to spartan because of self control issues. I had thoughts that “regeneration is not working” and “why am I running regeneration, I don’t feel any better” lol…2 loops total and I get recon?

Still on track, won’t change. I find myself wanting to see some profound results, this impatience feeling is new. Logically it makes sense but emotionally it does not, not sure how to explain that so I won’t try.

[Geoff]

I sent my exgf a text about finances and bad habits. Of course she took it as a criticism (shocker) but after reading what I wrote, I realized one part could be perceived that way and also that even though I texted her, the text was really about me. At least that’s how it appeared.

I say things to others or around others that come off critical and It occurs to me that all these things are really about me. I’m criticizing myself through others? I don’t know, but had to document this.

[Geoff]

Since starting regeneration I’ve been annoyed. Internally annoyed, at myself and with myself. I’m not really aware of anything specific. I’m just annoyed with myself and my life.

I’ve resented myself and my life forever, I resent pretty much everything I’ve done in my life.

I haven’t finished much that I’ve started in 37 years. I go to school for a few classes or try a different program only to stop for one reason or another.

I have no close friends, or friends at all. Just work buddies, no one I hang with outside of work. My old “best friend” from high school lives 10 minutes from me and I just don’t feel a strong connection anymore and being around him just reminds me of my idiotic past.

I live and work nights so my interactions are quite limited.

My romantic relationships are a joke. I grew up without a father and no male role models. So when I say I’m dysfunctional and toxic, it’s not on purpose, I just don’t know or realize it until it’s too late. I end up too invested anyways and then it destroys my sense of self each time they end. No real interest in females cuz what’s the point

The lowest seniority, newest employee at my job just negotiated his employment and now makes more $ than everyone in the machine dept including me by at least $2/hr. I’m not upset with him or his success but I do resent myself for not having the leverage to do that to the boss like he did. I resent our boss for rewarding the lazy and entitled whiners yet decent works including myself get overlooked because we don’t draw attention with drama.

I’m tired of feeling financially weak, I’m close but far away in paying off student loans and have not made progress in almost 2 months since inflation caused my excess funds to disappear. Overtime has reduced as well.

I’m just pissed off that I don’t know how to improve. I’m pissed off that I can’t figure out what I want to do, I’m closing in on 40 soon and I’m just nowhere. I have a shitty small house and a job with thousands in loans and nothing to show for it.

But I should be grateful because I could be sick, homeless or in jail so it’s not that bad.

Regeneration is obviously working, I knew running healing wouldn’t be pleasant, I just wish I had more awareness. I feel like I’m just waiting. A non participant, just waiting for regeneration to fix stuff? I just feel like I have a cold, mentally. Nothing I can do for it, just let it run its course.

Rant over

[Geoff]

This speaks volumes to me. Today I fell asleep at 2am which is way too early for me since I’m usually at work until 6am. Woke up at 7am, so 5 hours of sleep and can’t go back to bed. Woke up with an empowered energy mixed with subtle anger.

After hearing about my friend at works raise, I decided to email my boss (since I’m off today) and state my own case for a raise. I feel less upset? After sending email, so we will see.

I think regeneration has rebirth if I remember correctly, though being zp I heard there are modules anymore? Either way, my whole psyche feels shaken up.

The anger internally is like a storm, yelling at my core asking me why I’ve let myself be hurt so much. Why I put myself last. Why I don’t stand up, why I don’t fight for what I want, hell why I don’t even know what I want!

A lot of why’s today, and I think sending the email was action taken related to some questions posed by the sub. I’ll either get a raise or find out I’m no longer valued and will seek a better future for myself.

I thought listening to ascension or chosen would facilitate this type of behavior I’m experiencing but not regeneration. But I’m not complaining.

I feel tired, kinda low and shitty but in a good way, I’m on the right track.

[Geoff]

Had my exgf take me to pick up my car after service, her 10 yr old said as we parked, “good, now get out”. My ex chastised him but he said it matter of fact like, no mean tone. I have to be honest it got to me, probably something rejection related, being unwanted or not included as a child. Funny how much his comment bothered me.

I have this deep sadness today, behind my eyes like I’m waiting or ready to cry. I’ve teared up a few times but I can’t cry…I feel blocked.

At the same time the anger I had is much lower. I think it dropped off because I called that job and left a msg that I’d like to interview. I also emailed my boss about a raise. So taking action was the key there.

On the outside I appear happy, calm and patient…reserved almost.

Yet inside I feel like a mess. What a feeling lol

Today is a rest day

[Geoff]

Had a headache Fri evening all throughout sat. Decided to listen to my loops tonight vs this morning as I usually do. I’m not sure if it’s recon, over exposure or just my diet(juice fasting on watermelon) as I get detox headaches but they usually go away after 24hrs.

Broke nofap after 2ish months. Exgf sent a picture that started the fall. Normally I’d be pissed at myself but today I just don’t what or how to feel.

Regeneration + cfw hit me hard and now I just feel disorganized. I can’t seem to notice things, my self, my thoughts. I had awareness with cfw solo but Regeneration is like a grenade went off in my mind and I’m looking for the pieces to put back together.

I look at what I have, where I live and where I work and it all seems meaningless. Obviously I need these things to survive and live but I’m not happy…I’m complacent and I’m scared. Scared to leave mediocrity.

I’ve been in and out of school my whole life, nothing to show for it. I always stop along the way. No follow through? Why

“What’s the point” I always say that, I question everything but in unhealthy ways, to keep responsibility low, to avoid putting in effort into things i care not about. I don’t know what fun is. I don’t socialize. I just work…to what end? Yes, to get out of debt so when I reach retirement I can just die.

All is vanity…there is nothing new under the sun.

This world has been unkind and I struggle to find meaning. My mind feels scattered, my thoughts erratic. What am I even talking about. I’m disappointed…with so much and I don’t know where to begin.

People take advantage of me because I want to help and be a loving human being

I accept less because there is such a void in me. Something is better than nothing

Low self esteem/,respect because I compare myself too much. I’m short and just average in all ways so what makes me worth…anything

I avoid attachment the best I can because it always leads to pain

I get a lot of jokes at my expense because I’m short, look young and juice, eat raw when I’m not emotionally eating garbage. I just laugh, it doesn’t bother me consciously but maybe it does deep down?

If I had a choice on wether or not to be born, I would have said no. I wonder if in time, I’ll wake up one day and the mess in my mind will be gone. All the bad thoughts, anxiety of the past, regrets of moments and situations. Will it ever stop haunting me

[Seeker]

@Geoff

All is vanity

Can you expand on that?

[Geoff]

Ecclesiastes KJV “[14] I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.”

Vanity of vanities; all is vanity

A statement at the beginning of the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament. The pointlessness of human activity is the major theme of the book.

I struggle with the “point” of things a lot, I justify inaction outside the minimum.I justify quitting(school, training programs) and I justify not hanging out or socializing.

[Seeker]

Thanks for elaborating.

[Geoff]

Last night at work was quite productive. I’m home now and just started my regeneration loop, to be followed by CFW.

I noticed that sadness has gone, I wonder if something broke through or was healed. If it was, I couldn’t tell you what it was that healed. I lack serious internal awareness on regeneration…I wonder if this is common?

I came to the realization and acceptance that I’ve developed an eating disorder from my past of fasting, water and dry types. I now weigh more than my heaviest pre fasting.

A few years ago, maybe 3 I was very disciplined. Very black and white thinking. I had no issues staying on track with anything really but…I was also filled with anger…hate. since I started my detox and a few dry fasts, I think whatever trauma or pent up emotions were released and it took my anger based discipline with it.

It’s been two years and I’ve not gotten a grip. I planned on switching paragon for elixir next cycle but after reading about Limit Destroyer, Especially voytek’s triumph over porn, I’m feeling a need to use it to overcome my challenge with impulse/stress/emotional eating and limited beliefs on why I can’t seem to say no and stick with it. I think this will be added in place of paragon next cycle…if I can make it that long.

On a positive note, I’d like to think the heavy hit from regeneration is easing up. I don’t feel as emotionally volatile inside as when I first started. Today was a good day.

Let’s see if it continues…

[Geoff]

At work tonight, I’m feeling very “if this, then that” towards my job.

This morning I listened to 1 loop regeneration, 1 loop CFW followed by Ascension Chamber while repeatedly visualizing and telling myself “my boss will come over to me and tell me my raise was approved, keep up the good work” and once said in my mind, I felt an almost internal energy burst after each time I visulized/stated the intention.

I’m looking forward to the morning. If it actually happens, I’ll freak out lol

But as far as “if this then” that mentality, I think it’s my defense mechanism against possible rejection on the raise issue. I’m thinking I’ll kick butt tonight but if no raise, then this place can expect the bare minimum from me until I decide my future moves.

I do feel empowered internally since yesterday. There’s a slight bloom in my self esteem. I feel a little more energized when it comes to my perception of my value. It’s been raised and reinforced inside. I’ve been thinking about all the time/years I’ve wasted feeling insignificant and undervalued. Part of me wants to start acting aggressive or vengeful to all those who wronged me but I don’t think that’s productive. “The best revenge is massive success” comes to mind.

It’s time to heal, continue clearing the shit, you can’t build a foundation on sand(which is my minds state all these years). My whole life has been unstable, my past is nothing but chaos and negativity. This is going to be a long road but I’m excited.

[Geoff]

No word on the raise, manifestation didn’t happen.

I feel quite ungrounded. Very much in my head/mind. Been like this since I started regeneration but today’s more prominent. I read a lot on the forum last night, watched some YouTube and I lack comprehension. I’ll be reading a post and one sentence in and I have no idea what I’m reading. My mind just goes somewhere else.

Processing the subliminal I’m guessing, it’s weird because I feel busy mentally yet my mind feels void of thought, blank slate.
I feel utterly stuck in the present, not that’s a bad thing but I feel almost thoughtless?

It’s not brain fog, just a lack of conscious presence, thoughtlessness, autopilot…is this recon?

Not sure if it’s paragon working on hormones but the increase in self esteem or just internal value(CFW?) Has me noticing I’m walking with purpose. I have not seen too many jokes from coworkers the past 2 days. Just all around more straight laced behavior from the guys on my shift.

Today’s a rest day, thinking about skipping tomorrow’s listening day and resuming on Friday. I’m having a hard time deciding if my experiences are recon or just effects.

[Geoff]

My shift at work is almost over. The past hour I’ve become agitated, the only thing besides working that I’ve been doing is reading the forums.

Yeah the whole not being acknowledged by my boss has been on my mind today but also the last few days. So I want to say regeneration is working on trauma #2 since the 1st bout of anger let up 2 or 3 days ago.

I’m taking this emotional state as confirmation I should skip today’s loops, as it is my listening day. I think if I do listen, it isn’t going to help anything.

This agitation has a “impatient, fed up” feeling to it, like I’m carrying some ball of shit energy that needs to be released. Not sure what to do about it. I feel hyped up physically which doesn’t help me getting to sleep in 4 hours but oh well.

Note to self:
Today is day 11(listening day) of 21 of my 2nd cycle of CFW and 1st cycle of regeneration.

I’ve been listening to Paragon Ultima randomly, maybe twice a week, usually the night before my listening day in mornings before bed.

Man, this energy I’m feeling is making me want to lash out, punch something or just tense up then burst! I just want to yell out “Fuck this shit!!”

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Edit: 4 hours later. That agitation melted away withing 15 minutes of the post. I started asking myself why and realized I’m just disgusted with my weakness. Impulsively, lack of discipline, follow through. Aka I’m tired of being a . Once recognized and accepted, things got better.

I feel a strong desire to listen now, if I think about not listening or skipping I feel slight fear? Fomo? Not sure where this is coming from.

[Geoff]

I woke up tonight feeling lighter in the head, but I do feel quite a few sensations around the top of head and forehead, randomly all over really. Feels like processing

I also for the 1st time since age 4, slightly recalled a dream. My sheets were all thrashed, so I must have been working through something. I was running security for a person, escorting him through what I would consider a public cathedral, or church-like mansion. Checking rooms, clearing routes etc. The person I was protecting is someone I hold in high esteem but do not know in person.

Not sure what this amounts to, but I’m happy I actually recognized a dream. I was afraid I’d never dream again since the last dream I remember was at age 4, I was falling through the sky and I woke up when I hit the ground (I fell off the bed)

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After reading Jcast’s post last week on listening volumes, The last listening session (mon) I raised volume +3 clicks from zero on phone. I always was listening to Regeneration then CFW. And my recon was stronger, more brain fog and agitation.

Today I listen to +1 click from zero. Lowest possible. I listened to CFW and then Regeneration. Today I feel good, good mood and lots of sensations in my head. No headache, just sensations

Can’t complain

[Geoff]

I’ve spent my whole life seeking approval, validation and acceptance.

I turned into an alcoholic in my entire twenties because I couldn’t cope with life. I drank so I wouldn’t feel. I was a “blackout drinker” It was my goal. I drank all day, kept a functional buzz then after work increased until blackout. I could not stand myself. I got sober in dec. 2015 after I got out of jail. Almost 8 years in december

I was criticized my whole childhood by my mother for not being normal. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me and had no love for myself. I was full of anger and pain in childhood because I was never accepted and had to lash out all the time in order to get relief from the daily corrections I received. This really messed me up. (This will get huge when I get to Dragon Reborn, I just know it)

I don’t have close friends because I don’t know how to have meaning connections but I always try. I try to be positive and engaging but I notice I have trouble just “being” . I am always looking for depth, I dislike shallow relationships, I avoid mainstream oriented humans.

All these thoughts just came up and I’m writing hopefully as a way to acknowledge and release the burden associated with them. I am starting to feel less outcome dependant. Less need for others approval or acceptance. I’m okay with myself, no one else can fix or complete me anyways.

I find myself less interested in my exgf and talking to her unlike the past. I feel less attached in general. CFW is definitely working on my internal mechanics. I feel no shame in expressing these things. It’s led me to now.

Gratitude

Edit: Interesting how this all came into my mind while half through listening to Paragon Ultima. Gotta love the mental/physical connection.

[Geoff]

The past day I’ve had no desire to write.

All I could think about yesterday was how to get a raise, what strategy I need to play this through. The blatant favoritism from my boss. The rewarding to shitbags and overlooking the good workers who are not noticed because they don’t complain or cause drama.

Work and it’s circus like environment has encircled my mind, I’ve been trying to move through the process of accepting reality here vs. Fighting with my idealism.

Part of me wants to look into making a custom with the Sole focus of getting a raise. But I have no experience or idea or even knowledge of how to begin that so it probably won’t happen.

I find a desire to switch to chosen + ascension + pcc to help with my goal of pursuing what I’m worth as an employee. But I feel more strongly towards remaining on the healing path…I just want this mental exhaustion I’m experiencing with reconciling my position in this shitty company to end. I feel stuck in an frustrating obsession of how and why and it’s not fair but feeling powerless to get what I want.

Is my current stack bringing all this up? Or is it just because my coworker shared his raise with me a week or so ago and I’m unable to accept my situation now?

I just don’t know what to do.

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Plus speaking of not knowing, actionable steps. What steps of action can I or should I be taking on CFW + Regeneration? I’m listening per schedule and journaling…but unlike social or seduction subs where actionable steps are obvious…I’m a little lost for these?

Physically I’ve been sleeping well, though I wake up wanting more sleep. But the quality of sleep has improved.
I’ve always stopped ordering out a few days ago and reduced my intake of calories. I’m planning on trying to fast towards Easter weekend. I say try because I’ve struggled the past 6 months to do much of anything I say I’ll do. But it is something I desire to make happen.

**
The longer I go on this stack, the more confused I feel. The less sure I am of things I used to think. The more disconnected I feel to beliefs. The less attached to “sure-ness” I am. Nothing seems concrete, but it’s hard to stand up when you have no solid position?

[Seeker]

@Geoff

What steps of action can I or should I be taking on CFW + Regeneration?

The What sort of action to take on Regeneration? thread might give you some ideas.

[Geoff]

Lol, you’re good seeker. You must have this forum completely mapped out huh.

Thanks

[Seeker]

You’re welcome.

[Geoff]

Woke to an email from the boss, asking to chat Monday. He has a few ideas which could help us both achieve what we want. His 2nd reply to my original case for a raise. His first reply was the standard “why my hands are tied, policy, Union etc”

Glad to see the change, it’s obvious I’m going to be given choices. He’ll state his wants and hang the raise over them. So let’s see what happens.

About 1 week left on this stack cycle, If I switch CFW + regeneration to Chosen + regeneration would that be OK? My goal was cfw for 3 cycles as I remember Saint saying 3 cycles and you accomplish a lot. …maybe I can wait. Just not sure how my healing fits in with possible new expectations at work. But I also don’t like derailing myself.

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I can’t tell yet if my lack of thoughts is a result of a quiet mind that I’ve never known…or if I’m just zoned out and have no mental chatter because I’m so in my mind that I can’t consciously think as much as I used to.

Is this good or bad, so far I don’t know. I like the mental clean vibe I feel but I don’t like how mentally empty I can feel as well. I don’t feel dumb but I don’t feel sharp or grounded mentally.

Energy is good, consistent…even with lower calories. I’m tired when I get home and sleep deeply. But this morning I couldn’t fall asleep for 3.5 hours due to anxiousness over raise reply (the 1st one).

I woke up with my left eye red, might be pink eye, dirty machine shop life. Hopefully my old drops can fix it + paragon before Monday morning.

Working all weekend (Double time tonight) but I’m ready for a day off.

I haven’t had anything from the past come up in the past 3 ish days. Things feel “quiet”…has me asking if this is it? Am I done? Obviously not but the chaotic ride I had when I started is gone. So what’s next?