Geoff's Journal (CFW + Regeneration + Elixir)

Geoff · April 5, 2022, 12:48pm

No word on the raise, manifestation didn’t happen.

I feel quite ungrounded. Very much in my head/mind. Been like this since I started regeneration but today’s more prominent. I read a lot on the forum last night, watched some YouTube and I lack comprehension. I’ll be reading a post and one sentence in and I have no idea what I’m reading. My mind just goes somewhere else.

Processing the subliminal I’m guessing, it’s weird because I feel busy mentally yet my mind feels void of thought, blank slate.
I feel utterly stuck in the present, not that’s a bad thing but I feel almost thoughtless?

It’s not brain fog, just a lack of conscious presence, thoughtlessness, autopilot…is this recon?

Not sure if it’s paragon working on hormones but the increase in self esteem or just internal value(CFW?) Has me noticing I’m walking with purpose. I have not seen too many jokes from coworkers the past 2 days. Just all around more straight laced behavior from the guys on my shift.

Today’s a rest day, thinking about skipping tomorrow’s listening day and resuming on Friday. I’m having a hard time deciding if my experiences are recon or just effects.

Geoff · April 6, 2022, 8:19am

My shift at work is almost over. The past hour I’ve become agitated, the only thing besides working that I’ve been doing is reading the forums.

Yeah the whole not being acknowledged by my boss has been on my mind today but also the last few days. So I want to say regeneration is working on trauma #2 since the 1st bout of anger let up 2 or 3 days ago.

I’m taking this emotional state as confirmation I should skip today’s loops, as it is my listening day. I think if I do listen, it isn’t going to help anything.

This agitation has a “impatient, fed up” feeling to it, like I’m carrying some ball of shit energy that needs to be released. Not sure what to do about it. I feel hyped up physically which doesn’t help me getting to sleep in 4 hours but oh well.

Note to self:
Today is day 11(listening day) of 21 of my 2nd cycle of CFW and 1st cycle of regeneration.

I’ve been listening to Paragon Ultima randomly, maybe twice a week, usually the night before my listening day in mornings before bed.

Man, this energy I’m feeling is making me want to lash out, punch something or just tense up then burst! I just want to yell out “Fuck this shit!!”

Edit: 4 hours later. That agitation melted away withing 15 minutes of the post. I started asking myself why and realized I’m just disgusted with my weakness. Impulsively, lack of discipline, follow through. Aka I’m tired of being a . Once recognized and accepted, things got better.

I feel a strong desire to listen now, if I think about not listening or skipping I feel slight fear? Fomo? Not sure where this is coming from.

Geoff · April 6, 2022, 11:23pm

I woke up tonight feeling lighter in the head, but I do feel quite a few sensations around the top of head and forehead, randomly all over really. Feels like processing

I also for the 1st time since age 4, slightly recalled a dream. My sheets were all thrashed, so I must have been working through something. I was running security for a person, escorting him through what I would consider a public cathedral, or church-like mansion. Checking rooms, clearing routes etc. The person I was protecting is someone I hold in high esteem but do not know in person.

Not sure what this amounts to, but I’m happy I actually recognized a dream. I was afraid I’d never dream again since the last dream I remember was at age 4, I was falling through the sky and I woke up when I hit the ground (I fell off the bed)

After reading Jcast’s post last week on listening volumes, The last listening session (mon) I raised volume +3 clicks from zero on phone. I always was listening to Regeneration then CFW. And my recon was stronger, more brain fog and agitation.

Today I listen to +1 click from zero. Lowest possible. I listened to CFW and then Regeneration. Today I feel good, good mood and lots of sensations in my head. No headache, just sensations

Can’t complain

Geoff · April 7, 2022, 6:30am

I’ve spent my whole life seeking approval, validation and acceptance.

I turned into an alcoholic in my entire twenties because I couldn’t cope with life. I drank so I wouldn’t feel. I was a “blackout drinker” It was my goal. I drank all day, kept a functional buzz then after work increased until blackout. I could not stand myself. I got sober in dec. 2015 after I got out of jail. Almost 8 years in december

I was criticized my whole childhood by my mother for not being normal. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me and had no love for myself. I was full of anger and pain in childhood because I was never accepted and had to lash out all the time in order to get relief from the daily corrections I received. This really messed me up. (This will get huge when I get to Dragon Reborn, I just know it)

I don’t have close friends because I don’t know how to have meaning connections but I always try. I try to be positive and engaging but I notice I have trouble just “being” . I am always looking for depth, I dislike shallow relationships, I avoid mainstream oriented humans.

All these thoughts just came up and I’m writing hopefully as a way to acknowledge and release the burden associated with them. I am starting to feel less outcome dependant. Less need for others approval or acceptance. I’m okay with myself, no one else can fix or complete me anyways.

I find myself less interested in my exgf and talking to her unlike the past. I feel less attached in general. CFW is definitely working on my internal mechanics. I feel no shame in expressing these things. It’s led me to now.

Gratitude

Edit: Interesting how this all came into my mind while half through listening to Paragon Ultima. Gotta love the mental/physical connection.

Geoff · April 9, 2022, 12:44am

The past day I’ve had no desire to write.

All I could think about yesterday was how to get a raise, what strategy I need to play this through. The blatant favoritism from my boss. The rewarding to shitbags and overlooking the good workers who are not noticed because they don’t complain or cause drama.

Work and it’s circus like environment has encircled my mind, I’ve been trying to move through the process of accepting reality here vs. Fighting with my idealism.

Part of me wants to look into making a custom with the Sole focus of getting a raise. But I have no experience or idea or even knowledge of how to begin that so it probably won’t happen.

I find a desire to switch to chosen + ascension + pcc to help with my goal of pursuing what I’m worth as an employee. But I feel more strongly towards remaining on the healing path…I just want this mental exhaustion I’m experiencing with reconciling my position in this shitty company to end. I feel stuck in an frustrating obsession of how and why and it’s not fair but feeling powerless to get what I want.

Is my current stack bringing all this up? Or is it just because my coworker shared his raise with me a week or so ago and I’m unable to accept my situation now?

I just don’t know what to do.

Plus speaking of not knowing, actionable steps. What steps of action can I or should I be taking on CFW + Regeneration? I’m listening per schedule and journaling…but unlike social or seduction subs where actionable steps are obvious…I’m a little lost for these?

Physically I’ve been sleeping well, though I wake up wanting more sleep. But the quality of sleep has improved.
I’ve always stopped ordering out a few days ago and reduced my intake of calories. I’m planning on trying to fast towards Easter weekend. I say try because I’ve struggled the past 6 months to do much of anything I say I’ll do. But it is something I desire to make happen.

**
The longer I go on this stack, the more confused I feel. The less sure I am of things I used to think. The more disconnected I feel to beliefs. The less attached to “sure-ness” I am. Nothing seems concrete, but it’s hard to stand up when you have no solid position?

Seeker · April 9, 2022, 1:13am

The What sort of action to take on Regeneration? thread might give you some ideas.

Geoff · April 9, 2022, 1:15am

Lol, you’re good seeker. You must have this forum completely mapped out huh.

Thanks

Seeker · April 9, 2022, 1:17am

You’re welcome.

Geoff · April 9, 2022, 10:27pm

Woke to an email from the boss, asking to chat Monday. He has a few ideas which could help us both achieve what we want. His 2nd reply to my original case for a raise. His first reply was the standard “why my hands are tied, policy, Union etc”

Glad to see the change, it’s obvious I’m going to be given choices. He’ll state his wants and hang the raise over them. So let’s see what happens.

About 1 week left on this stack cycle, If I switch CFW + regeneration to Chosen + regeneration would that be OK? My goal was cfw for 3 cycles as I remember Saint saying 3 cycles and you accomplish a lot. …maybe I can wait. Just not sure how my healing fits in with possible new expectations at work. But I also don’t like derailing myself.

I can’t tell yet if my lack of thoughts is a result of a quiet mind that I’ve never known…or if I’m just zoned out and have no mental chatter because I’m so in my mind that I can’t consciously think as much as I used to.

Is this good or bad, so far I don’t know. I like the mental clean vibe I feel but I don’t like how mentally empty I can feel as well. I don’t feel dumb but I don’t feel sharp or grounded mentally.

Energy is good, consistent…even with lower calories. I’m tired when I get home and sleep deeply. But this morning I couldn’t fall asleep for 3.5 hours due to anxiousness over raise reply (the 1st one).

I woke up with my left eye red, might be pink eye, dirty machine shop life. Hopefully my old drops can fix it + paragon before Monday morning.

Working all weekend (Double time tonight) but I’m ready for a day off.

I haven’t had anything from the past come up in the past 3 ish days. Things feel “quiet”…has me asking if this is it? Am I done? Obviously not but the chaotic ride I had when I started is gone. So what’s next?

Geoff · April 10, 2022, 1:58am

Funny how I said things of the past haven’t come up the past few days…I think as soon as the job issue was settled with a meeting and I’m able to relax from that focus, other things are free to enter I.

My exgf and all that.

Dated off and on the past 3 years. I wanted commitment/marriage. She’d drop me emotionally and distance herself from me within a month. She was married once before, I have not been. That trauma she’s sought therapy for. But now she’s all focused on her financial freedom and the marriage conversation isn’t something she’s willing to get into.

So why still seek to be friends, why be in my life but keep it at a certain level.

I’ve essentially dropped all desire for anything. I don’t chase her like I had previously because CFW these past 2 cycles have made me realize that everything I am looking for in her/others is within me.

I’ve had a bad habit of being attracted to emotionally unavailable women. It stems from my childhood and the fact that my mother was a career focused feminist who was never emotionally supportive or available. No father in the house, I had zero male influence growing up with the exception of a beta who befriended my mom supporting her financially randomly hoping to have a relationship with her but she never did. I felt sorry for him.

I feel less effected by her now. Less interested in trying to convince others to like or love me or to get them to stay. (Can you say abandonment issues? Lol)

I’ve forgin my mother for a lot and our relationship improved the last few years but deep down I know there’s still more. Hopefully when I run DR in the future (I’m thinking fall) that will be looked at more closely.

I’m grateful, really grateful that my anxious need for female validation is waning. That male mother need the red pill community talks about is no joke.
I realize I grew up in a very unhelpful environment being a Male and it wasn’t my fault. However it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to work through it and overcome.

No victim mentality here. Loving the process, the more embarrassing shit I post, the better I feel…well more free. With every admission, a chain is removed from my soul. I am imperfect and I have issues. I am grateful for everything, even the bad. Life needs contrast and so it must exist.

I don’t need anyone, but I do want a wife if I’m being honest. Though I can cleary recognize that I’m not a man ready for it.

The positivity of this stack is unexpected. I feel quite productive on it as well, compared to cfw solo.
Emotion control is impressive.
Mental chatter gone
Simpleness - I just do things, in order. There’s no rush, no anxiety, no procrastination.
Clear thinking but also a lack of it? When I’m thinking, it’s easy and clear. But when I’m not, I feel zoned out or disconnected…aka autopilot.
Food discipline is increasing
Impulsive behaviors have significantly declined
Negative thinking on a daily basis is negligent, even when I’m upset I’m not negative about it. It’s more “how do I fix this issue”
Friendly - I’m very positive towards others. I’m not extroverted but when ppl interact, it’s always positive. If they’re in the negative, I end up being positive and they either walk away or turn positive themselves.
Self worth, the feeling of internal value has increased. It’s become a driver in my day to day. I never felt worthy, this is a huge change. Still ways to go but I’m noticing.

Geoff · April 12, 2022, 4:51am

Yesterday morning(Monday). Had a quick meeting with the boss. A raise + increased responsibilities is coming my way. By the end of the month he said. I was so glad to hear that, it was quite a positive interaction and I felt good with all that was said.

I think when I started running regeneration with CFW, self worth and self respect shot up and the fact that I wasn’t taking action got to me and I started going after stuff. This pending “promotion” is a huge result of of this stack.

Aside from that awesome event. I had listened to Beyond Limitless Ultima Sunday night to kill the tired grogginess from 1/2 a sleeping pill I took. It cleared away all fog and gave me hyper focus for 45 minutes when my tasks were done. But I also developed a headache (which last about 20 hours) which I ran Paragon Ultima a few minutes after to no obvious effect.

I have noticed the past two nights I’ve woken up in the middle of the day for about 3 hours then fall asleep an hour before I have to get up plus I’ve been having sexual thoughts, not sure if I’d call them dreams but while trying to sleep my minds filled with scenarios, memories or imaginations of a sexual nature. This is new.

I’ve had quick memories of the past come and go, ranging from socially awkward events, to negative relationship moments and just regrettable moments of the past. I acknowledge all of them, accept my part in them and they leave. So that’s nice. I don’t know for sure if any memories have repeated or not. I’ll have to pay more attention but I’d say I don’t think any have come twice so far.

Been super positive all week, even when I don’t feel good or lack sleep. A lot of resentment towards my past has reduced, I hardly ever find myself mulling about the past which before subclub was a hobby of mine lol

Awesome products, I’ve come so far in only two months. Truly grateful. The peace I feel is priceless

Geoff · April 13, 2022, 10:25pm

I just can’t figure out why I’m so productive and positive this week. I mentioned before that Cfw uplifts my mood but reduces physical output, but since adding regeneration and going through the 1st week of anger, my mood is positive, and my energy/productivness is high.

I’m loving it, I thought healing would be a grind but so far it’s not half as bad as I was expecting. Part of me thinks I’m all healed and don’t need the healing subs lol…but I know better. We will see how elixir effects me when added next cycle.

As far as the pink eye that started a few days ago, between using some drops for 2.5 days lightly and paragon. It never got worse and went away yesterday. Today I see no redness at all. So I know at the very least that paragon stopped its progression.

I’ve been a cynical, world hating pessimist for most of my life and the sheer positive outlook I’ve had since March is just mind boggling. I hope with long enough use that this positive shift STAYS. Life is too short to hide and live in negativity.

It’s just been a great week, it really has.

Geoff · April 15, 2022, 8:34am

First night off in 11 days.

Still positive and hopeful my raise will come into effect by end of month as stated. Still feeling quiet in my head, low stress and in no real rush like I used to be.

I am struggling with feeling a lack of comprehension skills. When I read on this stack, I have to re read things 2 or 3 times just to understand what I just read. It’s like my mind pulls away from anything I focus on. What’s up with this?

I won’t say I feel stupid, it’s not that. Just that I can’t be bothered paying attention or don’t absorb information well at all. Am I just stuck elsewhere? In my subconscious thoughts? I feel borderline high sometimes, just in my own mind…except when I’m in that state, I’m not present. I’m not actively engaged in whatever is going on hence why I think my subconscious is busy but I (the conscious mind) is not invited.

My emotional control is outstanding, or there’s just nothing to react to. Either way, I’ve been juice fasting for almost two weeks and consuming much less than I was. I started this stack weighing about 152 - 155. And I’m currently at 143. Not working out, just working and consuming less.

I’ve tried for 3 years to go fruits/veggies and raw eating and I go for awhile then fall. I knew my emotional issues were hindering me and now I’m hopeful this healing journey will reset everything and I can build a healthy new foundation and be consistent in my endeavors now and in the future.

Paragon must be having positive effects. I talked about my groin and vasectomy on the paragon zp site. No replies but I do think something good is happening. It’s not painful but feels weird and uncomfortable at times. Hopefully it disappears soon and I recognize healing.

Geoff · April 15, 2022, 10:27am

I just realized that I’ve noticed more looks or stares towards me this past week. At work my one coworker…I’ll catch him looking at me, lingering looks like he’s trying to find something or figure out what’s different?

Grocery shopping last night, people were looking at me directly whenever I was close or standing still for a minute. If I looked up, people would look up to meet my gaze…even if I wasn’t looking at them.

I don’t think CFW has an aura? Could be the quiet positivity I feel daily, or the increase in inner confidence.

Cool thing to notice

Geoff · April 16, 2022, 3:58am

Went to the movies with my ex tonight, I’ve definitely changed. I was light hearted, positive and did not act so rigid. By rigid I mean with my thinking. I used to operate in a black and white mindset. I was more controlling in my stances, conversations and lacking open-mindedness.

Tonight really allowed me to see how I’ve changed so far. There were no arguments. I got slightly offended that she didn’t tell her dad on the phone that she was with me (like she was ashamed and hiding it) but when I told her that, she cleared the misunderstanding and everything moved forward easily.

I haven’t had such a light and playful time in years. It wasn’t just about my ex, my whole social demeanor was improved.

I’m not carrying the burdens I was last month. Man…I feel great about this process. Things are just going great, I can’t think of one thing to complain about.

Geoff · April 18, 2022, 4:19am

Today starts my washout from last cycle.

I noticed that radiating positivity is less pronounced today but I attribute this to the effects of the sleeping pill I took Sunday morning.

Next cycle will be Cfw + regeneration + elixir.

I assume elixir should be listened to before regeneration, so that’s how it will be played. Alternating cfw solo throughout the cycle.

Through conversations with my exgf, I noticed less dependency on outcomes. Less focus on convincing her of things I say or bring up. I’m more relaxed with a take it or leave it vibe. I don’t feel the need to compell others to my side of thinking now vs the past where I felt I needed to “educate” others. That black and white thinking I had…

I’m less interested in small talk as well, if there’s no point in talking, I don’t. Instead of hanging around dragging things on. Value of my time increased.

I’ve become a little more empathetic, at least I’m able to somehow see the others point of view when previously I would dismiss it or make a cold blank statement then move on. I’m more willing to consider others as I do for myself too.
I used to dismiss myself coldly and just get back to work whenever I felt I needed someone or something. Cut myself down for “needing” help or support. Now I’m more open to the idea of be being open towards others.

Still nothing to complain about, I’m grateful for all I have and how far I’ve come in 7 years since I got sober.

Hindsight is 20/20.

Geoff · April 19, 2022, 1:28am

As I was waking up tonight, still half asleep but awake enough to know I wasn’t dreaming…I recognized past memories coming at me like I did in the beginning of this stack.

Memories mostly of situations where I was wrong or the guilty party. They all reflected mistakes I’ve made.
I acknowledged my wrong doing in my mind, sometimes even saying it aloud while lying in bed. It was important I not fight the memories. They don’t return once I accept my part and apologize or make peace with my mistakes.

I used to have a real problem with acceptance and forgiveness, more so with myself than others. This washout is proving quite beneficial so far. The more of these I experience, the better I feel…the lighter the burden I carry.

I can tell this is going to start opening the “I don’t love myself” chapter soon. This is why CFW will be with me every cycle.

These subs + Journaling are better than therapy. 2 months in and I’m much different than I was. It’s truly amazing.

Geoff · April 20, 2022, 4:56am

The past 24 hours I’ve been really mentally disconnected from the present. After asking Saint, I know it’s normal considering two healing titles.

But wow, it’s been a challenge at work, I’ve been feeling so preoccupied mentally that my confidence in knowing I’m doing my job correctly has been shaken. I’ve retraced my steps and double checked things because I’m so inwardly focused, I can’t be sure of what I’m doing in the moment.

So far I’ve been good, but this situation is unlike anything I’ve experienced. It’s not daydreaming nor brain fog. I’m just somewhere else. I guess the subs are blooming.

I love the fierce introspection going on, I just wish I was consciously aware of what’s processing. I feel like I’m locked out of my own party lol. But maybe it’s best I’m not part of it.

Still feeling positive though I have been more tired the past day or so. Washout must be taxing. I wasn’t as tired during the cycle. But I’m also working 10 to 16 hours overtime per week, but so was I during the cycle as well.

One day at a time

Geoff · April 22, 2022, 1:22am

Was kind of anxious yesterday, not sure the cause of it but I was wondering when this supposed raise will take effect. Maybe that caused the anxiousness…

I fell off my eating discipline Tues through tonight. I swear…what is wrong with me. Impulse control, self discipline, justifying bad choices, well poor choices. I’m so tired of failing myself. How do I get my cold, hard discipline back?

I’ve mentioned before that my old self had discipline but that it seemed it was tied to anger and since the anger was released years ago I’ve become impotent in the face of self restraint. I literally hate this part of myself.

Tonight is my last washout day. I start CFW tomorrow, followed by elixir + regeneration every other listening day.

I’m struggling, wondering if this is too much. If I should just run elixir + cfw for a cycle then next cycle elixir + regeneration. I don’t know but I guess I’ll figure it out.

This whole washout has been strong, as in I felt a lot was taking place. The strong inwardly, disconnected feeling has finally eased up tonight but went strong all week. I’m looking forward to running healing consistently through the year. Part of me wants to add spartan to see if I can get a grip on my own inability to say no and hold it. I wonder when this issue will be addressed by my subconscious.

Does elixir have limit destroyer? Should I run spartan + limit destroyer next? Or just keep going with pure healing? Though I’d be using spartan as a healing title in this case. It’d be nice to figure this shit out, it’s about to be summer…where everyone is out, nowhere to hide. We become exposed, we are seen. I am in complete contemp with myself physically.

I always loved the winter because everyone else was inside or covered up and I was always more active in winter. I don’t like a lot of people at once, I avoid groups or large quantities of people. Introverted for sure. I don’t like to be seen, I prefer to go unnoticed, mysterious and unknown. I don’t fit in, and I like being on the edge of things, never in the center.

Things need to change, here’s to the next cycle!

Geoff · April 22, 2022, 6:51am

Somethings scratching at the surface, hours after my last post I started feeling frustrated, angry and just edgy. I feel like I want to lash out, patience wearing thin…fed up.

But what am I fed up with specifically? Can recon really just run up on me like this. I really tire of feeling shitty but not knowing the reason why.

Today’s day 1 of my next cycle, starting with CFW solo later today (its almost 3am now)

Quite a bloom this washout, makes me wonder if I should extend washout till monday. Feels like my subconscious is throwing a temper tantrum right now…