Geoff's Journal (CFW + Regeneration + Elixir)

[Geoff]

After a 21 day cycle of CFW solo with 5 day washout, I decided to continue on in my quest for healing by adding regeneration.

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Today was my first loop of regeneration followed by CFW. For some reason I decided to run Ascension Chamber also while thinking about my goals for this cycle and making clear to myself that I’m focused on internal healing.

I work 3rd shift so I have been listening before bed in the morning. Tonight at work I noticed the urge to order out. It took an hour or so to realize that this is comfort eating related. Anytime the past is brought up I seem to develop an urge to eat dense, flavorful foods. Glad I became aware before I acted on it.

I’ve had 2 or 3 memories appear today but I acknowledged them and they continued on. Nothing else really consciously manifested so far.

I’d like to add in paragon twice a week to work on the physical while dealing with mental/emotional as all three are interrelated. Ultima most likely as I don’t think I can run 3zp’s consecutively every other day?

[Geoff]

Throughout the past day I keep hearing the thought “Why are you running” and “What are you running from”

It creeps into my conscious mind and then I feel this weird mental or subconscious anxiety. Not really sure what it is, but it’s different from just feeling anxious.

Is my subconscious running from something? Is that even possible. This is why I use food to suppress whatever this is. I hope this continues to be pulled on, I’m looking forward to discovering and dealing with this mysterious trauma.

[Davisnwc]

@Geoff

Ultima most likely as I don’t think I can run 3zp’s consecutively every other day?

Not recommended but I’ve tried it, but when I’ve done it it’s only been 5-7 minutes per program, so basically those three loops end up being around the same length as one ZP loop of a single program. However; since each program is different…matching the length may not match the content, meaning that certain combos with ZP could feel denser than others. If you experiment with this method or any other than fine, but you may have to potentially reduce your program exposure if you go that route.

[Geoff]

So just running the Paragon Ultima twice a week would be best then. I have no real desire to skirt the rules, experiment or unknowingly limit my results due to inexperience.

Just looking for most effective listening plan. I’ll stick with the Ultima.

Thanks man, for the information. I really appreciate it

[Seeker]

@Geoff

Ultima most likely as I don’t think I can run 3zp’s consecutively every other day?

That would not be recommended. The current ZP listening instructions can be found in the Zero Point Listening Instructions. The current instructions for Ultima can be found in the New Listening Pattern: How Many Loops Should I Listen To (Single and Multiple Titles) article.

[Geoff]

Right on seeker ,

It’s just CFW + Regeneration one loop each every other day.

I’ll be listening to Paragon Ultima twice a week, most likely as a booster to coinside with the mental/emotional healing.

Thanks for the guides, makes it easier for me to reference.

[Seeker]

You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help.

[Davisnwc]

No problem, best of luck on your journey but you can still run paragon by itself the day after a rest day. You’d be fine with 3 ZP’s and could still use ascension chamber on its own once a week.

[Geoff]

Listening day 2

I’m just not happy with myself. I had lots of discipline a year or two ago and it all disappeared. Way to impulsive and I let my mood or emotions effect my decision making behavior. Being sober 7 years I can still see how good I am at justifying.

I bought snacks this morning and earlier tonight ordered gyros for dinner at work. It’s not that this is evil but it’s the opposite of my goals and manifests out of a powerful urge/desire to push down or suppress something.

I’m just feeling angry at myself. I’m pissed off that I feel completely out of control with this. I can’t seem to make a decision and stick to it.

Besides that, I got a call from a job I applied to awhile back. I don’t feel like leaving my job now but I feel a strong push to call back and interview even though at the same time I feel no energy for/towards actually pursuing that.

I feel like a moron

[Geoff]

I’ve ran Paragon Ultima maybe 4 times since purchase and the past two days I’ve fallen asleep faster and the quality of sleep is deeper. My left foots plantar fascitis has been appearing this week and I think it’s a sign of impending healing?

So far I’m impressed with paragon.

CFW - my first cycle was great. The anxious, hurry up rhythm I possessed was cut in half and I was granted relief. Now on my 2nd cycle with regeneration added and I can say I understand what others meant when said it kills productivity. Healing subs do this according to forum.

As far as that call back for a job, I did not return the call. Inside I feel good, content with myself on a normal level. But when it comes to my interaction with my environment, I’m failing. I literally have motivation to pursue an interview. Besides the job, I notice I’m not really doing anything outside of my routine. No taking chances, no looking for opportunities wether scholastic, social, romantic or employment. So pursuing a new job during healing just sounds like I’d be setting myself up for an uphill battle.

I seem to be comfortable internally to the point of not doing more than necessary yet conflicted externally, actions wise. Maybe this is regeneration? But I think it’s CFW.

I have yet to notice anything regeneration wise. I get flashes of past scenarios, memories, awkward situations etc. But I had these with CFW also, which has regeneration. But other than that, I’m unaware of its possible effects for now.

I will say that in the past 24 hours this low level anger, more like internal irritation has been hanging around and I think things are happening that I’m not aware of. I had thoughts of wanting to switch to spartan because of self control issues. I had thoughts that “regeneration is not working” and “why am I running regeneration, I don’t feel any better” lol…2 loops total and I get recon?

Still on track, won’t change. I find myself wanting to see some profound results, this impatience feeling is new. Logically it makes sense but emotionally it does not, not sure how to explain that so I won’t try.

[Geoff]

I sent my exgf a text about finances and bad habits. Of course she took it as a criticism (shocker) but after reading what I wrote, I realized one part could be perceived that way and also that even though I texted her, the text was really about me. At least that’s how it appeared.

I say things to others or around others that come off critical and It occurs to me that all these things are really about me. I’m criticizing myself through others? I don’t know, but had to document this.

[Geoff]

Since starting regeneration I’ve been annoyed. Internally annoyed, at myself and with myself. I’m not really aware of anything specific. I’m just annoyed with myself and my life.

I’ve resented myself and my life forever, I resent pretty much everything I’ve done in my life.

I haven’t finished much that I’ve started in 37 years. I go to school for a few classes or try a different program only to stop for one reason or another.

I have no close friends, or friends at all. Just work buddies, no one I hang with outside of work. My old “best friend” from high school lives 10 minutes from me and I just don’t feel a strong connection anymore and being around him just reminds me of my idiotic past.

I live and work nights so my interactions are quite limited.

My romantic relationships are a joke. I grew up without a father and no male role models. So when I say I’m dysfunctional and toxic, it’s not on purpose, I just don’t know or realize it until it’s too late. I end up too invested anyways and then it destroys my sense of self each time they end. No real interest in females cuz what’s the point

The lowest seniority, newest employee at my job just negotiated his employment and now makes more $ than everyone in the machine dept including me by at least $2/hr. I’m not upset with him or his success but I do resent myself for not having the leverage to do that to the boss like he did. I resent our boss for rewarding the lazy and entitled whiners yet decent works including myself get overlooked because we don’t draw attention with drama.

I’m tired of feeling financially weak, I’m close but far away in paying off student loans and have not made progress in almost 2 months since inflation caused my excess funds to disappear. Overtime has reduced as well.

I’m just pissed off that I don’t know how to improve. I’m pissed off that I can’t figure out what I want to do, I’m closing in on 40 soon and I’m just nowhere. I have a shitty small house and a job with thousands in loans and nothing to show for it.

But I should be grateful because I could be sick, homeless or in jail so it’s not that bad.

Regeneration is obviously working, I knew running healing wouldn’t be pleasant, I just wish I had more awareness. I feel like I’m just waiting. A non participant, just waiting for regeneration to fix stuff? I just feel like I have a cold, mentally. Nothing I can do for it, just let it run its course.

Rant over

[Geoff]

This speaks volumes to me. Today I fell asleep at 2am which is way too early for me since I’m usually at work until 6am. Woke up at 7am, so 5 hours of sleep and can’t go back to bed. Woke up with an empowered energy mixed with subtle anger.

After hearing about my friend at works raise, I decided to email my boss (since I’m off today) and state my own case for a raise. I feel less upset? After sending email, so we will see.

I think regeneration has rebirth if I remember correctly, though being zp I heard there are modules anymore? Either way, my whole psyche feels shaken up.

The anger internally is like a storm, yelling at my core asking me why I’ve let myself be hurt so much. Why I put myself last. Why I don’t stand up, why I don’t fight for what I want, hell why I don’t even know what I want!

A lot of why’s today, and I think sending the email was action taken related to some questions posed by the sub. I’ll either get a raise or find out I’m no longer valued and will seek a better future for myself.

I thought listening to ascension or chosen would facilitate this type of behavior I’m experiencing but not regeneration. But I’m not complaining.

I feel tired, kinda low and shitty but in a good way, I’m on the right track.

[Geoff]

Had my exgf take me to pick up my car after service, her 10 yr old said as we parked, “good, now get out”. My ex chastised him but he said it matter of fact like, no mean tone. I have to be honest it got to me, probably something rejection related, being unwanted or not included as a child. Funny how much his comment bothered me.

I have this deep sadness today, behind my eyes like I’m waiting or ready to cry. I’ve teared up a few times but I can’t cry…I feel blocked.

At the same time the anger I had is much lower. I think it dropped off because I called that job and left a msg that I’d like to interview. I also emailed my boss about a raise. So taking action was the key there.

On the outside I appear happy, calm and patient…reserved almost.

Yet inside I feel like a mess. What a feeling lol

Today is a rest day

[Geoff]

Had a headache Fri evening all throughout sat. Decided to listen to my loops tonight vs this morning as I usually do. I’m not sure if it’s recon, over exposure or just my diet(juice fasting on watermelon) as I get detox headaches but they usually go away after 24hrs.

Broke nofap after 2ish months. Exgf sent a picture that started the fall. Normally I’d be pissed at myself but today I just don’t what or how to feel.

Regeneration + cfw hit me hard and now I just feel disorganized. I can’t seem to notice things, my self, my thoughts. I had awareness with cfw solo but Regeneration is like a grenade went off in my mind and I’m looking for the pieces to put back together.

I look at what I have, where I live and where I work and it all seems meaningless. Obviously I need these things to survive and live but I’m not happy…I’m complacent and I’m scared. Scared to leave mediocrity.

I’ve been in and out of school my whole life, nothing to show for it. I always stop along the way. No follow through? Why

“What’s the point” I always say that, I question everything but in unhealthy ways, to keep responsibility low, to avoid putting in effort into things i care not about. I don’t know what fun is. I don’t socialize. I just work…to what end? Yes, to get out of debt so when I reach retirement I can just die.

All is vanity…there is nothing new under the sun.

This world has been unkind and I struggle to find meaning. My mind feels scattered, my thoughts erratic. What am I even talking about. I’m disappointed…with so much and I don’t know where to begin.

People take advantage of me because I want to help and be a loving human being

I accept less because there is such a void in me. Something is better than nothing

Low self esteem/,respect because I compare myself too much. I’m short and just average in all ways so what makes me worth…anything

I avoid attachment the best I can because it always leads to pain

I get a lot of jokes at my expense because I’m short, look young and juice, eat raw when I’m not emotionally eating garbage. I just laugh, it doesn’t bother me consciously but maybe it does deep down?

If I had a choice on wether or not to be born, I would have said no. I wonder if in time, I’ll wake up one day and the mess in my mind will be gone. All the bad thoughts, anxiety of the past, regrets of moments and situations. Will it ever stop haunting me

[Seeker]

@Geoff

All is vanity

Can you expand on that?

[Geoff]

Ecclesiastes KJV “[14] I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.”

Vanity of vanities; all is vanity

A statement at the beginning of the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament. The pointlessness of human activity is the major theme of the book.

I struggle with the “point” of things a lot, I justify inaction outside the minimum.I justify quitting(school, training programs) and I justify not hanging out or socializing.

[Seeker]

Thanks for elaborating.

[Geoff]

Last night at work was quite productive. I’m home now and just started my regeneration loop, to be followed by CFW.

I noticed that sadness has gone, I wonder if something broke through or was healed. If it was, I couldn’t tell you what it was that healed. I lack serious internal awareness on regeneration…I wonder if this is common?

I came to the realization and acceptance that I’ve developed an eating disorder from my past of fasting, water and dry types. I now weigh more than my heaviest pre fasting.

A few years ago, maybe 3 I was very disciplined. Very black and white thinking. I had no issues staying on track with anything really but…I was also filled with anger…hate. since I started my detox and a few dry fasts, I think whatever trauma or pent up emotions were released and it took my anger based discipline with it.

It’s been two years and I’ve not gotten a grip. I planned on switching paragon for elixir next cycle but after reading about Limit Destroyer, Especially voytek’s triumph over porn, I’m feeling a need to use it to overcome my challenge with impulse/stress/emotional eating and limited beliefs on why I can’t seem to say no and stick with it. I think this will be added in place of paragon next cycle…if I can make it that long.

On a positive note, I’d like to think the heavy hit from regeneration is easing up. I don’t feel as emotionally volatile inside as when I first started. Today was a good day.

Let’s see if it continues…

[Geoff]

At work tonight, I’m feeling very “if this, then that” towards my job.

This morning I listened to 1 loop regeneration, 1 loop CFW followed by Ascension Chamber while repeatedly visualizing and telling myself “my boss will come over to me and tell me my raise was approved, keep up the good work” and once said in my mind, I felt an almost internal energy burst after each time I visulized/stated the intention.

I’m looking forward to the morning. If it actually happens, I’ll freak out lol

But as far as “if this then” that mentality, I think it’s my defense mechanism against possible rejection on the raise issue. I’m thinking I’ll kick butt tonight but if no raise, then this place can expect the bare minimum from me until I decide my future moves.

I do feel empowered internally since yesterday. There’s a slight bloom in my self esteem. I feel a little more energized when it comes to my perception of my value. It’s been raised and reinforced inside. I’ve been thinking about all the time/years I’ve wasted feeling insignificant and undervalued. Part of me wants to start acting aggressive or vengeful to all those who wronged me but I don’t think that’s productive. “The best revenge is massive success” comes to mind.

It’s time to heal, continue clearing the shit, you can’t build a foundation on sand(which is my minds state all these years). My whole life has been unstable, my past is nothing but chaos and negativity. This is going to be a long road but I’m excited.