You’ve found your missing masculinity, hidden underneath what was needed to clear. Your cold discipline rising is proof. It will settle and eventually integrate into your whole being.
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Rest day 2,
As usual, running ascension chamber intensified the subs. I woke up with a slight headache and light brain fog.
Headaches basically gone and the fogginess is still light. I’m still quite sore, I’d like to run paragon Ultima but I don’t think I will as my mind feels full.
I was thinking about this cold discipline coming back. It truly feels like my inner voice is a Marine Corps D.I. and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it.
The internal stance I have is great, although there is quite a difference when it comes to expression externally.
Obviously I’m not going to act like a D.I. but what I feel I want to say in situations comes out in a soft, cautious and overly tactful way. Basically I’m bitching up, out of fear of consequence or possible elevation of an interaction. As usual fear of confrontation and low confidence in my own abilities. Lack of courage I’m guessing?
I’ve been recalling past scenarios where I didn’t speak up. Or I reacted the wrong way. I gave up frame or walked away from confrontation (aka yielding).
It’s given me a lot of insight. But I still don’t know what’s keeping me from being congruent. Maybe I’m still looking for balance in order to express myself. Still learning ways to address situations while maintaining a good reputation. Maybe I’m looking for an easier way to get what I want without doing what I fear? I’m getting that feeling as I read this.
I feel like I know nothing all of a sudden. Starting back at zero. Probably a good thing as my past didn’t work out well so here’s to a reset.
Aside from the ongoing path into masculinity reclamation.
My moods been great and not only great but Stable. No moodiness like I used to have. I had a huge issue with wearing my emotions/mood on my sleeve. My mood changed like the wind. I feel more solid emotionally. Less quick to react.
Though I still feel this anxious speed up when I talk. I’d like to cut this out definitely. Anxious conversation is not good.
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Maybe take an extra rest day this week.
Listening day 3,
CFW solo
Woke up 3 hours early, had lots of past memories pop up. Only can recall a few but I did get to see my mind manifest a memory, I acknowledged it and it almost folded/crumbled up and shot out into the blackness like a black hole. It was weird. Literally watching a memory be destroyed in my minds eye.
Feeling really calm and quiet tonight, definitely CFW. Looking forward to an easy, peaceful shift. Peaceful seems like the key word tonight.
Edit: I just realized I have zero anxiety tonight. Literally none. What an awesome state this is.
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Rest day 4,
Woke up with a lot of positivity. I have this urge to just smile coming from within 
Lots of thoughts again today, though not much emotional response towards them. I even had a conversation with my mother about all the places I lived as a child, we went through the time ranges and events related to each home. There were things I remembered that were less than good and unhealthy, yet my mind did not attach to these memories, things just came and went and I’m still feeling positive.
Today feels quite balanced and nothing feels wrong. Processing must be synchronizing and integrating well.
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Listening day 5,
This morning I changed the order to elixir + regeneration opposed to last time. I’ll continue to flip flop the order this cycle.
I got out of work this morning(before listening later) and ran errands, went shopping. I was overly positive and had an energetic vibe to me. I was friendly and talkative to ppl.
At one store I saw this large breasted brunette cashier who just had a flat look, just lacking enthusiasm for anything. I got my shopping done, went to check out and automatically started flirting and trying to get her to smile. I had zero desire to hit on her, it wasn’t about that. I just truly felt compelled to uplift her. I suceeded too.
Once I got home, I ran my loops and passed out. Tired tonight as I slept 5 ish hours. Otherwise I’m great.
…
The positivity and urge to just be good to others was strong. It’s like empathy and understanding towards everyone. Not a savior complex, just a full on understanding that everyone has struggles and that I have the opportunity to brighten ppl’s days if I choose to.
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Rest day 6,
Usually I post at night when I wake up. However it’s morning and I’ve been trying to sleep. I took half a sleeping pill and I’m just too irritated to sleep.
Lost power about 5 hours ago, came back on about 30 mins ago. Took a 2 hour nap then woke up feeling shitty/tired.
Last night I bought chicken wings, so I broke my juice fast. I’ve felt shitty since. Physically shitty from the good and emotionally disappointed in myself.
My schedule is all screwed up and I’m aggravated about that too. I’m not working this weekend even though I got up early yesterday and got stuff done, I feel like I’m irritated because I’m not doing anything.
I swear I’m a robot with no life. I’m either working or home alone. Most days I’m okay with that but right now I’m not.
I texted my exgf last night wanting to have dinner with “someone” I guess I was feeling lonely? Of course I knew she wouldn’t be able to but I texted anyway just to feel the rejection like an emotional sadist so I could use that feeling to justify eating what I knew I shouldn’t.
I’m sure I’ll juice tonight and get back on track…hopefully. the last few days have been great and I guess I’m not surprised that today’s been rough. I listened to elixir, and regeneration last which was opposite order last time. And this must be regeneration doing something.
Thoughts of attachment hung around me since yesterday. How attached to outcomes I am. Attachment to ppl, places, things, memories ect, ect…
I’m sick of it. Granted I have an over stimulated sense of attachment due to childhood issues and ocd since diagnosed at 8 years old. It’s do difficult to just LET IT GO.
I wish there was a sub focused on killing attachment and desire. Just like Limit destroyer…there should be Attachment destroyer!! Pure destruction of attachment. I’d be the first in fucking line! @SaintSovereign …is there a sub that deals with attachment?
If I knew how to submit this on the road map, I would. Maybe Saint will see this and take it into consideration.
I hope whatever is causing this unpleasant experience will be remedied soon.
Rest day 7,
Feeling pretty low. After thurs night the desire for cooked food/take out has been high.
I had chicken wings Fri night and sat night bought two small pints of vegan, non dairy coconut milk ice cream.
Something deep is being dragged up, I don’t know what exactly but I can say it’s related to attachment and past failures.
The food is for comfort, emotional suppression and me searching for a dopamine hit. I don’t know why I can’t just hold the line. I give in so easily and thoughts of getting more “fun food” circles my mind. I’m Hella uncomfortable.
A big memory of my time in Boot Camp back in 2004/2005. I chose to join for the wrong reasons, 5’ 4", lack of masculinity and searching for validation/recognition.
Half way through I realize I did not want to hurt people, nor be agressive/violent. I guess I became a conscientious objector before I knew what that was.
I started becoming unwilling, creating resistance and ultimately ended up in entry level separation. I quit, I was counseled and given a chance to return to recruit training but I chose to leave.
Do I regret it, yes and no. I regret quitting. I regret joining. I don’t regret coming to the honest realizations I had but it should have happened before I joined. The stigma of quitting haunts me.
The failures in my life haunt me. This memory is just the most intense I’ve felt.
It’s hard facing these things. I have this deep down feeling of wanting to cry, to release but at the surface the feeling is not there. I must have a blockage to where I can’t cry. Can I heal or move through trauma without crying? How do you release trauma otherwise?
All of my relationships have been failures, I sabotage them and play hot and cold with women in order to facilitate a self-fulfilling prophecy. So much dysfunction it kills me. I hardly know how to explain it.
Taking quizzes on attachment styles is consistently
" ### Fearful-avoidant attachment (aka disorganized)
Fearful-avoidant attachment style is a combination of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with fearful-avoidant attachment both desperately crave affection and want to avoid it at all costs. They’re reluctant to develop a close romantic relationship, yet at the same time, they have a dire need to feel loved by others.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is also known as disorganized attachment, and it’s relatively rare and not well-researched. But we do know it’s associated with significant psychological and relational risks, including heightened sexual behavior, an increased risk for violence in their relationships, and difficulty regulating emotions in general. "
And anxious attachment. This explains the hot and cold I play. I crave intimate, relationships but destroy them once I manipulate my way into one. It’s sick and I want to stop. This is what happens when you have a childhood like mine. Where your mother is your lifeline and safety but also your abuser. It fucks you up…I’m 37 and this wound is still bleeding.
I’m in such a low mindset right now, overwhelmed with the brutal confrontations of my past, my past behavior. All I want to say is stop, I don’t want to see this, just take it away. If I had to watch a movie of myself in the past, I’d want to kill myself. It’s a nightmare full of cringeworthy suffering, validation seeking, people pleasing, self depcrecating, victim mindset, hate for humanity, covert contract creating behaviors fueled by abusive experiences mixed with toxic conditioning.
How long is my past and my learned dysfunction going to haunt me. Will I ever feel clean and free and subjectively normal ?
I’ve wasted so much time…my life looking back, is of no value. I should not have been born, the mark I have left on this world so far is one of dysfunction…whether the things that happened to me were my fault or not is of no significance. The result is the same.
My soul feels like it’s covered in toxicity from this world.
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Searching for dopamine hits and distraction. I can tell I’m trying to run, I wish I knew what from. The intense desire to escape is unrelenting…what the hell do I have buried so deep?
I’m trying hard not to give in, I have with food this weekend. I just looked at soft porn but stopped after 10 minutes. This is ridiculous, I need more discipline and resolve. Moody, fighting a defeatist attitude that’s trying to creep in so I justify bad behavior, not this time dammit. I’ve slipped up enough.
All I can say is…this too shall pass
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There is a Q module called Attachment destroyer and love without attachment.
Good to know those exist if I ever get to customs. It’ll be awhile before I attempt that.
I wonder if any main titles have those scripting.
Thank you for sharing this, much appreciated.
Rest day 7, continued
Broke no fap a little while after my last post, all in the name of I couldn’t sleep. Even the sleeping pills used took much longer to kick in, though now I’m quite groggy.
I sure did look to anything and everything this weekend to run from whatever is causing such distress within me.
I’m still feeling irritable internally. The shame I feel over my behavior, past and present is intense.
Shame
A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
I’m tired of the weakness. All of my conduct is unbecoming of a man.
I remember a motivational video on YouTube years back where Will Smith said “what happened to you is not your fault, but it is damn sure, your responsibility”
I guess that’s why I’m running these subs, being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I need to cultivate more strength. More resolve to stand up to my fear based desires to run from myself or supress unpleasant feelings/memories. This weekend was a giant fail in my book.
I still don’t know what’s hiding, causing all this distress and it doesn’t feel like it’s healed or released. It’s still here…
The executive is really helpful for cravings, discipline, and doing what you set out to do. Or GLM. Both could be useful for you… both are exceptionally light and fast acting!
Are you saying these would help me not engage in weak behaviors during an emotionally distressing time?
I did nothing this weekend except try to suppress unpleasant feelings with whatever comfort I could find.
Edit: Maybe it’s the lack of masculinity that allowed the cringy behaviors to manifest this weekend. No masculine energy to fight off the weakness. Yes, once again you have a great point @Billions
There is a module but that’s for making your own subliminal. Attachment Dissolver (?). Costs $99+ depending on how many modules you put in.
Yes. But I think it’s time time for you to pick ascension or DR and hop on one of those, cut the problem at the ROOT instead of addressing the symptom. Pick whichever one you feel you resonate with more and get started 
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You don’t think I need to to run 3 cycles of this stack? I was just wondering the other day if this stack is running me in a circle.
What’s the current iteration of your stack? How many cycles in are you already? And… does “running you in a circle” mean a good thing or bad thing?
EDIT: Idk why I couldn’t figure out what that meant. I’m gonna blame having Co-VID.
So… nope… I think it’s time to address masculinity wounds.
Ascension, DR, even GLM could be good. GLM will act faster than ascension, and ascension will act faster than GLM. All will heal your masculine core. Just depends on which you resonate with. At this point, you could flip a coin, pick one, and decide, and it would be perfect no matter what you chose! Just don’t let fears around masculinity stop you from addressing masculinity or even procrastinating addressing it!
Listening day 8,
Listened to CFW + ascension chamber
Woke up in that deep introspective fog. It has since abated somewhat, enough to function at my job without error at least.
I have a huge issue with indecision, fear surrounding the possibility of making the wrong choice. I can see the silliness of it as no one has a mistake-less life. The fear is there, fear of regret maybe. Of living wrong…but what is living wrong? Living a life opposite to one’s values and beliefs?
This past weekend something traumatic, too big to handle at the moment was being pulled up. I ran from it, unable to acknowledge whatever it was. It’s still with me, I don’t feel lighter nor do I feel it was addressed. I’m starting to think, this stack is not able to handle whatever this is. Or maybe not strong enough to allow me to run from it.
I’d like to pull out every dark thing hiding within. Burn all the trash that lies beside me mucking up my life.
On a positive note, I’m starting to see my hang ups in daily interactions, sometimes catching myself acting in a way that lowers my value or causes a negative reaction in conversation.
I can trace back to abandonment issues where I say things to people in conversations. I can see how things are connected, it’s allowing me the opportunity to fix some of these things, which is great.
I also stopped reaching out to my exgf awhile back and she reached out purely on the subject of juicers. I hit her with some knowledge and did not try to pull a conversation or pursue other desires. It felt good that I was detached in a way. I don’t feel any need to pursue like in the past. Definitely a good thing.
Let’s how the rest of this cycle goes.
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It’s too traumatic to deal with, so CFW is dialling down the volume on that trauma until you can handle it.
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