How many days a week have you been listening to subliminals?
M, W, F. Weekends off. Running Billions listening schedule that he came up with 
So elixir + regeneration on M
W, cfw
F, elixir + regeneration
Listening day 18,
This morning I switched the order and ran regeneration 1st followed by elixir. I also ran ascension chamber today knowing it’s only been 5 days not 7. (I take my ownership of my action)
I have 1 more listening day so I figured I’d test to see if ascension chamber continued to put me into recon.
Well I woke up tired, quite tired. My mind if full, heavy and I feel mentally sluggish. Physical sensations in front, top and back parts of head. No pain, just active sensations.
Yesterday I felt physically neurotic. Kind of fidgety and anxious. This whole week has manifested more physical effects than all cycles before.
I’m thinking of swapping out cfw next cycle and adding paragon while continuing elixir and regeneration. I think whatever I’m working through has a physical component. I realize elixir has a small physical healing component so maybe that’s what’s effecting me physically?
I understand that I need ascension for masculinity. I need boundary setting. A backbone, self esteem and confidence. I’m putting it all down on a list for the future. But I’ve been fighting with myself trying to decide what to run. I’m sticking to healing, it isn’t easy but it’s slowly revealing my weaknesses and as they are revealed, I’ll gather them and relate them to a sub that addresses them. Just like ascension
I think this will end my battle of indecision. I do wonder though, where indecision is rooted. Lack of confidence? I’m sure my ocd plays a part. It’s not crippling but it still effects me and I hope to remedy it soon.
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I’m going to encourage you to consider listening 2 days a week. Perhaps Monday and Thursday.
I’d listen to it. Your healing subs have guided you to work ob one specific aspect of your healing.
You take every 3rd friday off on the billions schedule, so that you get refularly scheduled washouts aligned with the calendar, so they happen the same day every time.
This makes me wonder if you’re taking every 3rd friday off
It’s listening day 18. That was a mistake which I just fixed. Thank you for pointing it out.
Yes this weds is my last listening day.
I am curious why you recommend I move to Ascension right away. Yes the healing is leading me to ascension but why not run 3 full cycles of healing as i planned? This is my 3rd cycle Yes, but staggered. I have only run 1 cycle with all 3 subs.
If I know what issues I need worked on and I write it all down with the intent of running after healing. Is this counter productive or in your experience would it be “better” to move to Ascension after wash out?
If you were in my shoes, having read my journal and understand. Would you
A. Run elixir + regeneration and paragon next cycle using your schedule.
B. Run elixir +regeneration and cfw running your schedule
C. Run ascension + PCC using your schedule.
D. Running elixir + regeneration and ascension running your schedule.
Running 2 more cycles then reevaluate.
Remember my priority is healing. Thank you in advance
I think most of the time when you want to switch stacks the answer is to not switch stacks.
So i would keep running elixir + regen + cfw.
Run multiple cycles of it and earn a switch by slogging through the same stack for a long time and knowing that you’re becoming a totally new person off it.
The longer you run a stack, the deeper it hits. Sticking with something is good - I did ascended mogul for well over a year, almost two years.
When you do switch, I’d listen to that part of yourself you’re afraid of but brave enough to keep coming back to in your head - running ascension. And the reason I say that is because you’re afraid of it. You’re afraid of solving those problems because you want to and you’re worried that ir’ll put you in situations you’re afraid of
And it will…
But do you want the pain of facing your fears and the pai of setting boundaries, or do you want the pain of running from your fears and being small around people?
I’ll give you a hint: they both hurt, but one is a skill that you can learn and the pain is temporary, while the other is permanent.
Your journal with CFW has already been pushing you to reflect on your boundaries and relationships with other people - exactly what ascension covers. CFW is creating a growing desire in you to work on exactly what Ascension covers… but just because it’s inspiring you to reflect on that area of your life, doesnt mean you instantly need to switch to that sub.
That IS a result - you are now constantly reflecting on boundaries. That IS progress. You’re already getting all the results you want from CFW, so, no need to switch to ascension yet. Best to stay with the stack.
This happens a lot. The amount of people who run Ascended Mogul, get a business idea, and then switch to another sub to grow their business don’t realize that Ascended Mogul was the sub that gave them the idea in the first place and wouldve been the sub that saw them through. Similarly, a lot of people run Wanted, get obsessed with physique, and then switch to EF, even though wanted was doing exactly what they wanted EF to do… because Wanted mentally prepped them to have the mindset necessary to bulk, and it was going to take them all the way to the final goal.
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I think ascension before DR makes sense for you because
- you want it
- you’re afraid of it, which means it’s important to you
- it’s a light masculinity sub to prepare you for DR
- You have a pretty limited range of exposure to subs… you’ve never run any subs except healing subs and it would be great for you to run a wider variety of subs before going onto DR.
- Ascension is faster acting than DR
- CFW is all about healing people so that they can become positive alphas instead of domineering tyrants. It is the prep work to alpha subliminals… so why not see it through and listen to the alpha sub.
However, if this post has inspired you to listen to DR, then LISTEN TO DR…
The point is to follow your subconscious guidance now that you’re training it to lead you to your ultimate desires.
Take the logic out of it and listen to the heart, without being scatterbrained or switching stacks all the time.
And without listening to the conscious reactions to it, like fear, but also without listening to conscious reactions like lust (I’ll SlAG LAdiES On PrIMal wOw listeNING Now!)
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Yep, this is what I had feeling you’d say. It is important for me to stick to the stack. I do know I need to ascension and it’s actually growing on me though you’re correct, I am afraid of those situations because I’ve never stood up in those situations. I’m shifting my perception of ascension from fear and hesitation to a positive low level excitement to grow.
I will continue the healing 1 to 2 more cycles.
Thank you Billions, for an amazing reply. One that I could comprehend and agree with. I value your time, experience and patience.
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Listening day 18, part 2.
I’m not sure if switching around and listening to Regeneration first and elixir first is the reason but my heavy head and tired, sluggish mind with foggiest went away about 3 hours ago. All I have is a sort of tunnel vision, super focus I guess but it’s all towards work.
So maybe switching the order around, helps mitigate recon or just intense processing. Granted I added ascension chamber at the end for a boost but the last time I did this, I was in recon for days.
At this time I feel better and I’m quite productive tonight.
I wonder what the official listening pattern is:
Elixir then Regeneration?
Or Regeneration then elixir?
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Rest day 19,
I feel good tonight. I’ve noticed since yesterday I’m not as talkative. I speak when spoken to but I’m less interest in joining or adding to a conversation.
I’m not looking for conversation as I did in the past, like I was searching to be included or be seen/heard.
I hope this continues to be a permanent result. It’s as if I’m more secure socially. I’m not needing to be included in the group, it’s cool if I am but I’m not searching for it.
I’ve had some increase in wanting to help, to be giving. I picked up extra stuff at the store and grabbed some things for my mom. It was weird, I didn’t realize I picked up on random tid bits from my conversation with her, only to realize I almost automatically bought the things she mentioned.
I felt a sense of pride that I’m turning into a helpful, giving son vs. The old me that was harsh and wished ppl would just “handle their own shit”.
Definitely a positive change. I also don’t feel so burdened by others, well my own unforgiving attitude towards them. It’s transitioned into compassion and letting go. Very cool. I feel less attached to things tonight, the past, people and outcomes.
If I could describe how I’m feeling presently, it’s live and let live. Positive detachment
Physically my mid backs been sore and tight from work and I’m really thinking of running paragon next cycle. But otherwise diets still going strong, food discipline is consistent and I’m sleeping pretty well each day.
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Thoughts…
Been thinking a lot, how I’m not comfortable around people for very long. Previously I said I’m feeling more secure socially…at work I don’t feel the need to go join a group of my coworkers having a BS session or break like I used to.
But I’ve never been able to hang out or around others for more than an hour, unless you count drinking or being under the influence. I seem to show up and leave quickly. I never learned how to “be”. I’m either home alone or out running errands. If I am around people (outside of going to work) its usually to help “do” something.
I grew up partially homeschooled and didn’t have friends growing up. I’d say by age 7 to 15 It was just me and my younger sister. I remember two friends around 4 to 6 briefly but hardly recall the details.
It’s like I never developed the ability to be around people. Obviously I have social skills. It’s hard to fully understand this myself, I get anxious or uncomfortable being around others for too long. It’s more than being introverted. It feels like a handicap when I think about it.
My “best friend” from high school lives less than 10 miles away yet I can’t be bothered to hang out when he asks. 1. We live/work opposite shifts, I think that’s the biggest issue. 2. I just have nothing in common. I don’t play video games or hunt and I’m not into what he is.
I’m definitely the problem. Granted I spent most of our friendship as the inebriated dumbass he had to babysit and hanging with him now just leaves a bad taste in my mouth over the past. He’s a straight laced guy, a solid friend. Am I just a loner? I think once I got sober, I just never tried to make friends. I became comfortable in relative, personal isolation. But I’m starting to see how it can also be unhealthy. I couldn’t go out or do things without alcohol in the past and I guess whatever issue I had then, still remains in sobriety.
At lunch at work, I was telling a coworker how he should learn to fix his diabetes type 2 and get rid of the pain he causes with his choices. And he replied “I don’t want to be like you, you are no role model” in a regular tone.
That really hit me and 2 hours later here I am still trying to understand and analyze it. Who said I was trying to be a role model? Maybe I’m too vocal and I hit an insecurity in him with my comment. Maybe my self improvement annoys him because I’m doing well and he’s just biting back.
I’ll have to think on it more but that comment inspired quite a few emotions and I’m not quite sure what the deeper impact of my reaction means.
Why did I feel offended, attacked, sad, defensive and resentful and retaliatory over this.
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Edit: To address the first part.
Maybe I’m afraid to be around others for too long because they might see the real me. The messed up, damaged, weird guy who doesn’t know how to fit in. I’ve been rejected my whole life, by my mom, sister, so called friends, girls, peers. I’m afraid not so much of rejection, I basically expect it now and almost invite sometimes(sabotage)
I’m afraid of being accepted. Of being wanted. So I keep distance.
I do feel very awkward when I’m just in a group of people say in a living room and everyone is just there doing nothing really. That makes me feel all sorts of weird. How does one deal with this other than avoiding it lol
I can pretend or force myself to be what I need to be…but to be authentic, genuine and vulnerable around others in a personal way is…yeah it just doesn’t happen.
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You gotta understand. This is a very personal comment, and he is almost certainly aware of this, but for one reason or another hasnt managed to fix it.
His comment most likely was very much a heat of the moment thing as you bring up something extremely loaded for him in a bit of a (seemingly from what you describe here, i wasnt there so i could be wrong on this, text is hard to gauge and all that.) judgemental way.
I wouldnt look to deeply into the content of what he said. Its more about the emotion.
This all aside though great job adressing and admitting your fear! I think a possible help for you would be doing exactly what you fear. Go to the best friend from high school and admit something you feel like youve been avoiding him from seeing. Be vulnerable for a bit and let him know one of the things you mentioned here.
This act of letting someone know about it i imagine will greatly help allowing yourself to be more authenthic. That you dont need to hide yourself from others. Simply the fact that you wont be as afraid of being unconfortable, will also have the added benefit, of actually making you more confortable.
Just my 2cents here. I relate to quite a bit youre saying. Youre not alone with these kinds of problems.
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Listening day 20,
Basically end of cycle. Tomorrow is washout.
I listened to cfw this morning, slept well afterward.
Since I’ve been at work, I’ve felt like a robot. Just pure focused energy towards being productive. Reminds me of life in general. I eat, sleep and go to work. When I’m home I power down and recharge, when people reach out its usually for my help in some way or another.
The coworker I mentioned from yesterday came and talked with me early in the shift, no issues so I think Derpinator was right. I’ll just carry on.
I did notice my posture and walk is excellent tonight, I’m also still experiencing a low tolerance in conversation. I walked away from the area the other guys smoke at after a few minutes of the 3rd shift vs 1st shift mentality, complaining and general gossip/drama. I did not feel I needed to accept all that just to be “part of the group”
I also don’t seem to engage in small talk. I keep it focused, motivating and positive. I’m also starting to continue my work as someone engages me instead of the past where I would stop what I was doing to give the person my full attention which I thought was the right thing to do. But now I see I’m just a sound board for the guys who’d rather slack off and vent their bullshit to me while keeping me from my work.
I feel solid mentally, I guess a strong frame you’d say. I’m just all about business tonight and I’ve just stopped feeling like I need attention and I’ve stopped accepting shitty behavior in order to get it. I haven’t reached out to my exgf in a week? I can’t remember the last time, saw her working at the gas station, paid at the pump and left…no thoughts given.
I feel like I’ve leveled up a bit. I’m starting to value myself in an external way and I’m quite happy about it.
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Washout day 2,
I wasn’t planning on writing at all during this washout, however this morning was a good lesson for myself.
At work I saw a tote of some propellers done at the lathe, the guy finished them but did not scan the shop orders in. I took them and faced them off.
He comes in this morning, after a few minutes I see him go to the scanner, he confronts me with a tone, telling me to stay out of his area, that I stole his work, I should mind my business ect, ect. Mind you he is cussing, so he’s heated.
Remember when 2 months ago, my boss straight cussed me out and I stood frozen just saying “okay, okay” slowly.
Well not great, but I held frame about 85% with this guy. He’s a loud mouth, slightly deluded with his own capabilities and a liar. So I respond with kindness and acknowledgement. I validate his concerns, I correct his misunderstandings of my motives. I explain that I wasn’t trying to mess with him or his area, just that the shop order of one was orange (priority) and I saw they were done so I ran them. And that I won’t pull work from his area again. Basically “killing him with kindness”
The part I’m not happy about, is the scanning, I had operation 2 to scan and op 1 was not scanned. So I scanned both but when he confronted me, I lied and said I scanned op 2 and shift, F3’d the trapped operation. I lied out of fear. I knew it and I felt it.
This guy’s been here 26 years, myself 7. I consider this interaction progress for me. I still need massive improvement however I did not feel weak, my emotions remained level, the fight or flight sense was not activated like it used to be. I felt more confident but not confident enough.
I will keep growing but for now, I definitely saw improvement in myself after this healing stack and will continue.
This healing stack is removing obstacles that prevent my true shelf from showing, keeping me from being the best version of myself. That’s how this healing feels, it’s like spring cleaning within me.
Looking forward to the next cycle.
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Washout day 3,
It’s strange how often and how many scenarios and situations pertaining to conflict and confrontation keep popping up. Some are imagined situations based on real life environments/people and some are purely theoretical based on type of conflict.
These aren’t dreams but more like day dreaming. Also I notice them as I’m half awake, coming out of sleep.
My subconscious must be working to overcompensate for the feelings of inadequacy all these years, because 90% of my reactions/responses in these thought up scenarios…I would say are overkill. I find myself feeling cruel and cold. I’ve had a deep sense that I’m carrying or developing or expressing? … an unforgiving attitude. I feel harsh inside. Is this me processing through past trauma or am I turning into someone/something unlike my previous self? I’m unsure
I’ve been feeling less humble, more critical and cold. That cold discipline I loved but lost these past 2 years I’ve wrote, about, seems to be making an appearance again. I’m feeling relentless yet with less humanity.
I’ve worked 14 days straight and maybe I’m feeling superior because hardly anyone does this…but I’m not, though honestly those feelings manifest. I pride myself on humility and doing what’s right so this “arrogant” mindset is uncomfortable.
I’ve been reading ascension a lot, thinking about masculinity a lot and I wonder if it’s just building in me even without running that sub. Or maybe the healing is clearing the way for it to finally come through.
Really, I’m just not sure what all is happening but the reduction of fear, the increase in calm anger(deep internal upset), discipline and coldness is a welcome experience but I don’t want to express it and become some negative power tripping guy. We will see how this plays out. For now it’s all internal and that’s fine. I will work on focusing this into positive productivity and growth.
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2nd cycle
Cfw + regeneration + elixir
Listening day 1,
Listened to regeneration + elixir + ascension chamber this morning,
Slept well and feel productive tonight. Nothing really on my mind except for being sore from this weekend. Looking forward to this cycle to see if more stuff is uncovered or if my mind keeps me focused on masculinity like last cycle.
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Could be processing.
Consider however, that the cold discipline and humanity are not necessarily opposing. You can have both (even if it might seem like a paradox at first), and use both to achieve great things.
Cold discipline gives you the tool to achieve and get things done. Humanity gives you the reason to do so. Cold discipline, when tempered by humanity and led by wisdom, brings satisfaction, good life and happiness to you and those close to you. At that point, could it really be called “cold”?
Balance, adaptability and willingness to figure out (and accept) the many paradoxes that exist in the human nature… something to ponder upon.
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Listening day part 2,
After reading fire’s comments above. I guess to explain cold discipline, it would be a hard and cold attitude towards everything. I don’t feel like entertaining anyone. By entertaining, I mean giving my time and attention to them. My drive to just GO feels really strong. Allowing people to enter my sphere feels “wrong”. I get these cold, harsh feelings towards people…they aren’t doing anything to warrant it.
Granted this is inside, I don’t lash out at people but I feel like my vibration is angry…or maybe fed up is the right term. So when I take a look around and see low drive, poor work ethic, manipulative behavior, victim mindsets, zero accountability ect…I feel pissed.
Fed up is the state I’m in. Mostly for myself but it does extend outward. The many realizations of weakness within, seeing the weakness in society. It breaks my heart AND makes me feel cruel. Truly a weird feeling. Like experiencing good and evil at the same time.
I’ll keep integrating and evolving. Truly this stack is clearing a path for me. It’s allowing me to shine through.
…
I wasn’t going to write about this but I think I should for that very reason. (Doing things I don’t want to do)
Sunday morning (1am-ish) I’m scrolling through a text thread with my exgf, I passed by a picture she sent of her lower lady part. I quickly scrolled past but then returned and stared at it for about 45 seconds. I forgot I had deleted all her pics but that was still in the thread.
An hour later I “decide” to read a sex story (no pornhub but porn nonetheless) as I’m reading I’m giving myself attention, long story short I finish reading the story, ready to finish myself yet I stopped.
I exited the site, closed my phone and just stopped. I did not finish, nor did I feel any temptation to finish. I went to bed about 2 hours later.
I bring this up because this has never never happened. I’m still trying to understand myself in this situation. I’m celibate, and do my best on no fap but I always seem to express it after 2 to 3 months.
I wonder if it’s sub/script related. Or if I processed my beliefs fully as I feel strongly about PMO, about no fap, celibacy before marriage(now). I was the complete opposite in my twenties.
Either way, this was a great thing and even though I don’t understand why I just stopped, I’m quite proud of myself.
…
My posture is still good about 75% of the time.
Confidence has increased, I hold my head up instead of shrinking inward to avoid attention.
I’m usually exuding a neutral if not positive facial expression when I’m out in public.
Juice fasting is still going strong. I’ve gone from what, 154lbs to 139lbs today. No emotional eating.
My motivation to work and to do good work has increased a lot.
Spite, blame shifting, victim mentality at work is everywhere yet I do not play, I shut that shit down when people talk that way to me.
I empower others, shift negativity to personal responsibility and positive action.
I really like the improvements so far. I’ll keep going
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