Geoff's Journal (CFW + Regeneration + Elixir)

[Geoff]

Listening day 11, continued

Alright, so I’ve had this urge a few times to run ascension + wanted. What’s bothering me is the reason why.

For some stupid reason I think I need to run those two in order to develop into the guy my exgf would want to marry. I feel so cringy typing this. Am I trying to manipulate the situation?

What is the root of this desire? I just typed out in my last post that neediness has gone down but yet not an hour later this idea pops into my mind. The funny part is this thought came into view while I was reading the update for sage immortal.

I need to explore this, if deep down I feel rejected. If deep down I want her to want me. If deep down I feel not good enough…is my desire to run these so I can get her validation and desire for me? And it’s not really about cultivating a commitment/relationship…

Or

Is my desire to run these stemming from a need to improve and fix holes in my being. Having the improved or whole me cultivate true attraction.

---

I am trying to be honest but I’m not 100% sure.

I think I’m weak, needy, insecure and desperately trying to find ways(make excuses) to manipulate my way into achieving temporary fixes through the use of others.
I feel disingenuous. I think the only reason I feel so strongly about this exgf of mine is that that balance of the power dynamic is firmly on her side. I think every relationship I’ve had, the power was always in the girls hands. I did not have the power to walk away and that’s a hard truth to admit.

Ascension and wanted, in my mind would help return the power. However now is not the time…this rush or sense of urgency I feel is childish.

The feeling of knowing how much of a bitch I’ve been my whole life is … I don’t even know how to describe it.

I feel disgusted with myself. I’m in awe at this very moment of how pathetic I’ve let myself be. My heart rate is elevated right now, as if I’m in an awkward situation…and I am…with myself. I feel nauseous thinking about this.

I know I had no dad growing up, I know the neglect from my mother. The rejection of my peers in school, being expelled in high school and turning into an addict in my twenties. The absolute ignorance/unawareness of my cringy behavior all those years… I know it wasn’t my fault as a young kid/adolescent but is it my responsibility.

Facing these thoughts is tough. Wow…no wonder people treated me the way they did back then. No one ever taught me anything. I was always on my own. Trial and error. Makes sense why I’m a loner. I’m such a mess…I was such a mess.

This has got to stop. I have got to stop looking outside myself. I’ve been a coward to my self. I lost respect for myself a long time ago and let others dictate my worth. Why the fuck do I care so much about other people’s acceptance and approval of me.

How do I turn that shit off…

Damn geoff…

[Geoff]

Listening day 11, continued pt. 2

I’ve been trying to re-live my childhood with my mother’s neglect, emotional abandonment and criticism with the relationships I’ve had.

I chase after unavailable women. Cold women, women I know who will treat me the same way as my mother did as a child.

A self-fulfilling prophecy. How fucked up is this. I wasn’t lived or accepted as a child and so I validate that with every women I get close to.

The women who gave me praise, inspiration or the slightest positive attention I locked onto and basically choked the life of the relationship and instead of walking away, waited and stayed until it got so toxic that everything fell apart and I was left destroyed from my unhealthy level of attachment.

Attachment, acceptance, love, emotional bonds. I must be so starved that I lose control and devour any semblance of these within an intimate connection.

Is ascension and wanted going to fix this? I doubt it. But it would help my internal struggle sooner or later.

…

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this toxic shit on this forum…I’m sorry for anyone who reads this and throws up…

I need to build a strong internal frame. An impenetrable emotional core where the external has zero effect on me. I need to stand up and take back control from my past.

It’s all a choice, I can choose not to repeat the cycle. Once you see the toxic behavior, you can change it. So I will focus on that. Thank God we have choice

[Billions]

@Geoff

I believe heartsong is 70% healing.

True.

@Geoff

Any thoughts from those who see this is appreciated

So…

@Geoff

I’m trying to fill the void just like saintspring. Settling so I can have someone else complete me instead of completing myself!!

Ascension would help this. It would give you an inner confidence that would help you fill your own void instead of needing someone else to do it for you.

@Geoff

This made me feel major avoidance towards running it and after some thinking, I realized I’m afraid of confrontation. Physical or verbal, it does not matter.

This right here is a massive sign Ascension is EXACTLY what you should run. If it’s your fear, that means it’s your biggest point of weakness - the one you’ll consciously avoid working on forever because you don’t want to have to face it.

@Geoff

This comes from lack of confidence, low self esteem and no real self image.

Ascension will focus on THIS.

@Geoff

I found a thread where the common effect was bluntness and how important it is to watch/catch yourself in what you say, especially in contexts where you have people easily offended ect,

I think it especially happens when people treat you like garbage, and where you used to accept it, now you realize how terrible they treat you and it’s impossible not to say something!

@Geoff

After DR/healing I will build a foundation of positive masculinity picking up where DR leaves me.

If this is your strategy ^

@Geoff

Cfw, then staggering my additional subs after each cycle was a great move. It’s allowed me to see what each causes before combining them. Yields better understanding.

And if THIS ^ is your strategy…

It makes much more sense to listen to Ascension before Dragon Reborn… especially considering it’s your biggest fear and MUCH more targeted to all of the things you need to work on most.

I imagine Ascension would help you build the foundation, and start to work on some of the hardest parts.

Then DR will pick up where you left off and clear out the deep deep deep masculinity/conflict fears that Ascension didn’t touch.

@Geoff

However I do want to rotate in heartsong for healing of this “need” to have women validate me. My chasing of male mother need ect. I believe heartsong is 70% healing. So soon I am thinking rotating cfw for heartsong then back again.

In light of your comment of being afraid of conflict, I think that this is not the way to go…

I believe there’s two parts of a relationship to be healed… the individual, and the relationship. Sometimes fears come from others. But most of the time, they come from within. A TRUE jealousy issue is rare… an issue with feeling like all other men are more valuable/more sexy/ better partners than you is COMMON. So that would be an individual issue to heal. Likewise, being calm, grounded, not getting upset and reacting during fights… it SEEMS like a relationship issue, but it’s actually a personal issue. Emperor helped me fight with my girlfriend way less, be more loving to her, be calmer when she got stressed, and be more of a positive leader in my relationship. It actually helped me have LESS conflict and more DIALOGUE in my relationship, so I think your fears about ascension causing conflict are unwarranted… it will help you be a positive light, leader, even during moments of conflict.

And since you’re avoiding conflict, sticking to softer subs, I’d lightly push you to avoid adding yet another healing sub to your stack. If you’re afraid of your power, walk towards it with something like Ascension, rather than procrastinating it with another healing sub like Heartsong.

But speaking about positive leadership, positivity in general, alpha titles generally speaking, and a foundation of masculinity that you’re starting to build up…

Why not run Chosen?

You already own Chosen from CFW.

It’s an alpha program that still imbues you with positivity… honestly, you could replace Elixir with Chosen and get the same results almost…

It’ll build up your foundations of positivity, warmth, compassion, and social kindness leadership so that by the time you do run Ascension or anything more intense than that, “Bluntness” won’t be an issue for you whatsoever.

And with Chosen, because it fills you with SO much positivity, you could literally replace Elixir for it, and you’d have to replace CFW because you can’t listen to both at once…

So your new stacks could be…

Chosen + Ascension

Chosen + DR1

Chosen + Sanguine (awesome sub, objectives just came out)

Chosen + Heartsong

Chosen + Regen + Love bomb… which is basically CFW, but with the addition of alpha scripting from original Chosen.

Ultimately, I think that you’ll need to run Ascension sooner rather than later. And you’ll probably have great results even if you ran DR right away, but you would also do well to run Ascension first. Chosen would be a good stand-in, since you already own it, it’s an alpha title with more positivity to prep you for Ascension, DR, etc., and is so positive you could replace it with Elixir. So what I’d probably do if I were you is run either Chosen or Ascension, or both, and then do that for a while, maybe even throw in GLM first, because it’s so light and fast-acting that you’ll get narrow results quite quickly which’ll be a good foundation for DR, and only THEN start DR, once you have more of that foundation laid.

Reading the Love Bomb Sales page, we see this comment about how subs should be stacked.

First healing, which you’ve done. Then alpha titles, which you could consider doing with Ascension or Chosen, THEN auras, which isn’t really a part of this conversation.

But what we can take away from this is that healing is meant to come first, and then ascension/chosen would come second… but it’s also true that Dragon Reborn usually comes AFTER running other subs like emperor/khan/ascension because of how much it’s focused on masculinity, so, it would suggest that it would be a good idea to stack things like this…

Light Healing - (CFW is no joke, but it’s “lighter” than DR)
Alpha Titles
Heavy Healing - DR

[Geoff]

Sent you a pm, thanks for the well thought out reply.

[Geoff]

I am exhausted…from finally seeing the true me, or at least parts of me. The realizations tonight have literally made me queasy. I didn’t know facing harsh truths could make me feel like throwing up.

I’m trying to fully comprehend the level of toxicity within me. The unhealthy behaviors, the actions and reactions from me that yield the worst results. The level of internal dysfunction is just mind-boggling.

I’ve had rushes and surges of anxiety since my last two posts. An uneasiness about what to do or how to proceed fills my mind. Insecurities are everywhere. The lids been pried open and I’m exposed.

The goods news is it’ll get better, the bad is when I get through it.

[Geoff]

Rest day 12,

Took me 3 hours to fall asleep this morning. Minds been on overtime all day. Spent this morning reading about ascension and GLM. The differences ect.

I’m fearful of the assertiveness from ascension, I’m afraid of confrontation point blank. And running it makes me think I’ll go from one extreme to the other.

I’ve worked hard the past two months getting my work environment corrected and things are great. I’m worried ascension will cause me to behave in a way that will undo what I just built.

---

I had lots of memories pop up from childhood, things that made me sad. Things that focused on showing me times where I had low self esteem and times when I had no self respect.

Boundary setting issues, ability to walk away from people(women). My defense mechanisms all based in hiding myself and deflecting negativity…OR absorbing the negativity from others by offering myself as the outlet in order to be accepted…man that sickens me to admit.

It appears this stack is leading me straight into Alpha subs. Even the appeal for DR is waning. So it must not be reconciliation, it must be a clear cut sign that this is what I need. I’m starting to accept it.

Summer is coming, work just put out OT for the whole weekend. So I’m thinking the healing journey might have to be put on pause while I run some activity/productive subs.

I read the updated page for Elixir…I love it. It resonates with me extremely well that I might just run Ascension + elixir. That way it can address whatever blocks I have when trying to absorb ascension.

But I also feel kinda sad or…disappointed that I’d need to stop regeneration and cfw. A nagging feeling that I’m not done yet.

On a good note, the shitty feelings of yesterday and the anxiety of seeing all my flaws is going away. I don’t feel so troubled about it…now I’m just empowered to never be that way again.

[enigma12]

you can always stack CFW with Dragon as well bro… I am currently doing this and @FireDragon is as well and it seems to be going great for him

[RVconsultant]

If you’re running CFW, Regeneration, and Elixir at the same time, this is potentially very high reward, with potentially a lot of reconciliation.

Do you have other programs that might help such as Love Bomb or Sanguine?

[Geoff]

I’m honestly just trying to figure what my next cycle should be. Continue current. Move to ascension. A combo in-between. I’ll figure it out sooner or later

[Geoff]

Hey RV, Yes this stack has been heavy and I’ve gained a lot. I’m going slow and running Billions listening schedule utilizing more rest days.

It’s been a great ride, I’ve discovered so much dysfunction and toxicity that I’m now able to address and overcome what was otherwise hidden from view.

Thanks for the check in, much appreciated.

[RVconsultant]

What are your thoughts about running Ascension at some time in the near future?

[Geoff]

Well I wrote this on an above post

"I’m fearful of the assertiveness from ascension, I’m afraid of confrontation point blank. And running it makes me think I’ll go from one extreme to the other.

I’ve worked hard the past two months getting my work environment corrected and things are great. I’m worried ascension will cause me to behave in a way that will undo what I just built."

But after reading as much as I could on Ascension, I feel less apprehensive towards it now.

The biggest worry was going from one side to the extreme other, thinking I’d become aggressive and a loud mouth but I don’t think my view on it was correct.

Aside from that, I do understand that personally I need masculinity development. I’ve had a deficit or complete lack thereof from childhood on up. And this healing stack seems to be pointing me straight toward that goal.

[Geoff]

Listening day 13,

This morning I ran Elixir+ regeneration + ascension chamber. I forgot to run it at beginning of week.

Woke up with a headache, still going. Pretty sure I’m in recon as I’ve had a drop in drive, motivation and getting started at work.

On the way to work, I stopped to put fuel in my car and saw my exgf at the gas station where she works PT. Feeling groggy and really just not talkative I grabbed a fruit drink and a reeses ultimate PB cup. Checked out and as I grabbed my drink, I moved the candy towards her and said this is for you, I don’t eat PB.

I started walking out and I guess she took it and maybe chuckled. I heard no real acknowledgement verbally. And she did not reach out through phone. I genuinely just thought about doing a kind gesture. And I guess seeing how it had no obvious effect on her really helped me see just how one sided it was.

My inability all these years to develop standards, to walk away when I wasn’t getting what I needed has been a wake up call. Seeing these truths, Really seeing them now is such a great thing. That blindness is falling away.

It stung a little feeling how little I mean to someone I was into but you gotta feel it to heal it.

It really is all validation seeking. Chasing external inspiration…looking outside for what I haven’t been able to give myself.

Craving to be craved. Wanting acknowledgement, in many areas. Working so hard, doing extra at work hoping I’ll be recognized(which has happened once I went after it) giving so much in a relationship hoping to be reciprocated yet they just consume all I have to give then leave.

Shit sucks to see…

Aside from that, my minds just busy. Feeling cloudy with a headache.

Pretty much working OT all weekend…

Doesn’t look like I have anything else in my life to worry about. No friends, no lovers nor prospects. So I’ll focus on healing and improving while grinding as much as I can.

[Michel]

My inability all these years to develop standards, to walk away when I wasn’t getting what I needed has been a wake up call. I know I had no dad growing up, I know the neglect from my mother. The rejection of my peers in school, being expelled in high school and turning into an addict in my twenties.

Masculinity.

Yes your mother had her issues but the lack of the mediating father influence has caused you to not assert yourself within your female relationships (and unfortunately your ex knows this by treating you with such little regard). Great thing is your insight is razor sharp and has already provided you with the solution. Ascension.

Yes Ascension has a reputation, but it is on ZP so you are the guide, the filter that shapes your perception of what a man is with respect, relaxed discipline, achievement and pride in oneself looks like.

It will change your relationships - being abused, dismissed and disregarded is not normal, despite what childhood taught you. You actually deserve better, but that is a mindset that only shines through once a base of self respect can be established. Your first step was achieved in gaining a raise and congratulations! Second step is plugging in those holes that allows others to take advantage and Ascension is a great choice.

I’ve had exactly the same upbringing you’ve had, the adult life where nobody gave a damn, the family who scapegoated me, the women who took advantage, other men who feel they can call me a [_____] and expect no response, the job that ignored me. Now the same people are reacting negatively because the power has shifted. The bottom line is these people shouldn’t have been even be in my life! This will be the same for you, your ex will either walk or try to chase you.

Chosen is more a feel good leadership sub that inspires others around you and has a positive shine about you. But eventually you’ll need to address masculinity and Ascension will do that fast.

[Geoff]

Thank you michel, for the confirmation and relation to my struggle. I actually read your journal back in end of febuary/march…

The reason I started with healing subs and added them in over time. I haven’t run Chosen, only Chosen from within. Total Introspection.

But it appears that these healing subs have done what was needed, as I’m completely circling the same insights now. Arriving at the same conclusions.

I’m not 100% sure I saw it in your journal, but have you run rebirth? I’ve seen a few threads about ascension + rebirth and I’m wondering if it’s better to run both or ascension solo. Maybe you have some experience here?

Greatly appreciate your response and shared experience bro

[Michel]

@Geoff

I’m not 100% sure I saw it in your journal, but have you run rebirth? I’ve seen a few threads about ascension + rebirth and I’m wondering if it’s better to run both

Both subs dovetail well with each other, Rebirth will help with shifting out of the feeling of “the past is all there is, it can’t get any better” towards “yes the past sucked but I’m ready to move forward”. It acts more like a reality check than the comforting hand of Regeneration. I ran Rebirth as my first sub 3 years ago.

[FireDragon]

@Geoff

in a relationship hoping to be reciprocated yet they just consume all I have to give then leave.

This sounds familiar. There is always someone in a relationship who gives more. The only problem is the limits. This is extremely difficult to set and I rarely succeed. A process I still have to learn.

[Geoff]

Rest day 14,

Slept 6 hours. Woke up still feeling cloudy. Probably still in reconciliation. Still analyzing different paths of my past experiences all leading back to same root. Lack of masculinity.

I was looking through pictures on my laptop. When I saw myself, my immediate reaction was to cringe. As if I was embarrassed to see myself, I felt my mind go negative and critical. Is my sense of self, my self image this bad?

Pretty obvious I Lack love for myself as I tried finding it externally my whole life…that never works out.

I saw pictures of my son and his mom back when we were all together, so much grief and guilt hit me. I started feeling increasingly upset inside. So I shut it down and did other things.

Still a lot to unpack and forgiveness of self sticks out to me. I don’t need to criticize myself over my past…I need to accept it. I’m not that guy anymore. I just need to accept my past and love myself for all I didn’t know and every mistake I made.

7 years of sobriety has yielded great growth, I made amends and fixed a lot. But internally it seems that work is still needed. This will definitely come out on DR but for the immediate future, masculinity is priority.

Took tonight off work and it’s a good thing as my drive is still low and I feel quite lazy. I think some revelation is coming or some kind of healing. The mental overload I feel is giving it away.

[Geoff]

Listening day 15,

Had to flip from nights to days to accommodate contractors working on my house. It’s been rough, I’m tired and don’t feel “right” due to the changes in sleep.

I listened to 1 loop of CFW this morning. Within minutes a light happy calm rose up within me and I felt at peace.

Since napping for 3ish hours, I’m at work now and feel out of it. Groggy, foggy you name it. I wonder if I’m back in reconciliation or it’s just a mix of sleep change + subs. Either way I’m working but I’m at 45% production/energy.

…

Been thinking a little of how I appear to others and what others see when they look at me. My thoughts go negative as usual when the spotlight is on myself but for growth to happen, I need to put attention to it.

I notice I’m an anxious talker, I tend to over explain without anyone needing further clarification. I notice that I tend to want to end interactions quickly and “get out of there”

This must represent or show that I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Have a low opinion of myself and i must not think I deserve to be accepted or listened to. I remember as a child always wanting to be heard or valued for my input and my mom always dismissed my opinions or any dialougue I offered when situations arose requiring making decisions or selecting choices.

Now that I’m older she does ask for my input but back then it was not so and I must be subconsciously communicating low value to those I interact with.

I assume Ascension deals with this also, so that’s good. It seems like elixir helps me make connections and traces behaviors back to the source that created it out of necessity or coping.

Elixir really ties what cfw and regeneration are doing all together and presents it to my conscious mind for “reconciliation” and I’m able to understand and accept things.
But as far as action or making sure these behaviors cease, I’m not sure if that’s happening. How does someone consciously remember all this and prevent oneself from repeating low status communication?

Maybe these will cease once put under the light, I’d definitely like to stop anxious talking. It really makes me look…undesirable in many ways.

[enigma12]

“Been thinking a little of how I appear to others and what others see when you look at me. My thoughts go negative as usual when the spotlight is on myself but for growth to happen, I need to put attention to it.”

This is really good news Same thing happened to me when i was playing Khan stage 1 + rebirth and regen(healing subs in general). It hit me so hard i even started buying mirrors online that apparently showed the real me to see in my own eyes lol. After it was all said and done i excepted my flaws and even thought of them as an advantage