Rest day 7
Continued…
Speaking about being dismissed: “To treat as unworthy of serious consideration.”
Going back to childhood, I was only ever looked at as a problem. There was something wrong with me. My behavior, my actions and reaction…on an on. The only attention I received from my mother was “corrective attention”.
I’m pretty sure my attachment style is disorganized. I don’t know what to expect basically. Friend or foe depending on the interaction or day. The person I relied on for my survival and upbringing was inconsistent yet always consistent with making me feel crazy at such a young age. I’m talking about age 4 to 12 ish.
Growing up without a father let alone a male role model was quite damaging, the older I get the more I see how much this had an effect on me. I feel utterly broken when my childhood comes up.
I spent so much effort seeking approval and trying to be heard for anything except correction or criticism. I turned into a people pleaser just so I could meet my needs of not being dismissed or abandoned. I made others laugh or happy at my own expense or detriment throughout adolescence. It honestly sickens me to recall my past.
The things I did just to feel normal. To feel accepted. My mother…God bless her for trying but to be honest, she only interacted with me out of her own anxiety to “fix me”. I was the oldest, my younger sister by 2.5 years. My sister and I rarely speak. We have a very small family. My mother’s an academic and alone but she prefers it as she was never emotional anyway.
It’s no wonder I am so unhealthy and can’t seem to have a normal relationship, romantic or friendship. Male friends too, I avoid those because I have no idea “how to be” as I didn’t have friends growing up and lived in a female household.
I learned to dismiss myself as an adult, told myself my needs didn’t matter. I’m a man and we are tough, we don’t cry. I became cold and turned into an alcoholic for my twenties. I drank to cope with life. I drank to numb the pain. 90% of the time I drank, I drank to blackout because the blackout was the only time I had peace at that time.
This whole being dismissed thing goes deep. I have no idea what to do about my mother. As much as I want to blame her, I also understand that she had a childhood and was effected in ways that shaped who she was…and unfortunately I was subject to whatever her issues were. It’s a viscious cycle of pain and trauma released onto their kids who internalize and project their damage onto their kids and others.
I just want to heal…
This killed my mood a little bit but I’ll push through. Grateful this all came up even though it’s embarrassing and sucks to feel.
I guess the solution is Love. Pure love for myself and others. I see why we go looking for it in others, we chase it but usually end up in pain because the majority of us have things not dealt with.
Childhood is soooo important. The most important.
It’s hard to give yourself love when you feel nothing but pain. You can’t expect others to love you when they can’t even love themselves. (hello lovebomb, lol)
I get it… my mom just completely turned off. Buried herself in school. Achievement is her husband, degrees and success her marriage. She shouldn’t have had kids if I’m being honest.
If I could have been asked if I wanted to be born beforehand…I would have said no.
