Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

Journals - Major Programs
#221

Genesis is really deceptive. Despite being advertised as a starter sub I think it’s actually pretty intense. Really makes me dig deep and face myself and my life.

I’m starting out this week NOT overloading myself. That means despite running microloops I’m still taking it easy with rest days. I noticed today some intense feelings arising and will wait if these aren’t integrated by tomorrow before my loop of WB.

I’m noticing a pattern when I have to continually talk myself down from running too much. First it was 15 minute loops, then it was 5, then it was 3, then it was microloops, and now it’s the rest days between the microloops.

The fear has always been if I don’t keep on top of myself I won’t grow, but I’m starting to see that overloading my head with the subs and trying to stay as active as possible was me resisting the deeper changes that come when you give space for these subs.

A bit odd to think that “overload” for me is following the recommended listening schedule, but hey I just have to listen to my body more. How one microloop impacts me still surprises me.

I’ve added Sanguine to my stack instead of DRLD like originally planned. Intuitively I felt this was less to do with breaking down limitations and more to do with being able to regulate myself enough to integrate changes. Both Genesis and WB are giving me plenty to work with and it’s better I use Sanguine to get me through the tough times. It’s tempting to think that “oh if I just crush this limiting belief or I just get over this mindset I’ll be free”, which is a very logical assessment of things. In practice you might run into way more emotional upheaval you weren’t ready for, that was me.

Long story short. If you’re gonna stir the emotional pot, make damn sure you have the resources within yourself to get you through it.

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#222

Trying to follow my intuitive nudges more to guide me on the right path.

As I often do I subscribe to email newsletters and forget to cancel. Well one in particular popped up today and it caught my attention. It’s a membership for music production and 50 bucks a month so not a steep investment, I said screw it and signed up. 50 extra a month is no biggie.

Normally I look at these things and think to myself “scam” . Something inside me shifted today and I realized anything super positive is met with skepticism. “Too good to be true” if EVER there was a limiting belief that’s definitely one.

But anyway I’m opening myself up to more opportunities to invest in myself when it comes to music production. I didn’t really need Genesis to know this has always been my passion, but I did need the courage and adventurous attitude to start moving in that direction more vs leaving it as a fantasy. I have trouble conceptualizing it myself, so I figured the next best thing is getting guidance from someone who knows the ins and outs and is willing to provide value to help musicians grow. I’m giving it a chance, I’m sure I can learn from it in some way.

I have a tendency to view the world through darkness and struggle because I think the amount of times I’ve been beat over the head I want to prepare for more stuff. But it’s that hyper vigilance that cuts me off from the beauty of the world, the parts I don’t get to see. I really don’t get to see them, but I’m trying my best to change that. I’m trying to understand that when it comes to music there’s a place for me, despite what most people like to say.

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#223

Met with my therapist yesterday and she’s helping me challenge some deeply held beliefs.

One thing she told me that really resonated was understanding my process on this journey to growth. Not how I should heal or how I should grow, but how I actually do. So often I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

An interesting one. I still have a lot of anxiety in my sessions. I told her this and that I was thinking I wasn’t being open enough. She told me I don’t need to overcome the anxiety in sessions, it’s fine and part of the process. At this point in time it might be difficult but things change and there’s no right or wrong way to do this.

Got me thinking about how I approach growth on these subs as well. Did some restructuring there. Finding my process for using these, that should be the focus. Not trying to impose some rigid structure on myself. That means enough challenge for growth but no need to put myself through hell. I learned that’s old patterns of guilt shame and fear that got me out of situations in the past but is outdated now.

I guess I didn’t realize how deeply entrenched I was in these beliefs that hindered my own growth. I took them as a truth and couldn’t see how they hurt me. I’m continually surprised how much I think I understand about my situation and then have things open up and reveal to me how narrow of a focus it was.

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#224

Told myself no more customs. But I’m thinking about building one out for Genesis. I’m uncovering a lot of blindspots and sticking points, I have an idea of modules that could really help me integrate it more I think.

The way I’m thinking about building it is less goal oriented and more taking into consideration what my processing is like and my personality. As comprehensive as the standard title is and flexible, ultimately the script can’t be tailored to me.

So before I hit the store I’m going to make a list of sticking points and areas I want to strengthen, then see what modules align with that. Just following another intuitive nudge I’m getting from Genesis itself.

#225

1 min sanguine
1 min Genesis

Felt capable of absorbing 1 minute for a microloop. Will see how this goes. Something told me to keep going beyond 30s, instead of questioning that and worrying about recon I said screw it.

I’m starting to welcome recon more. I’m realizing the pain of recon is really just a reflection of my own troubled relationship with my emotions that’s it. Still working that one out, there’s really nothing I can say or ponder that would make that part easier just something I have to do.

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#226

Started listening to the audiobook Fingerprints Of the Gods. Really interesting stuff. I’ll definitely have to fact check it after I’m done, but for now it’s an interesting look on ancient civilizations we know vs ones that could have potentially come before them.

Just thinking to myself. If the earth had an event that wiped out most technological and societal advancement for us, what would be there for future civilizations to uncover? Makes you think, how primitive and archaic would our ways appear?

#227

WB today 1 min loop. Might have finally leveled up, will see tomorrow. Still off the caffeine, sort of. Drinking decaf coffee now. I can say that my processing of the subs got a hell of a lot better once I cut out caffeine.

Posture is improving. I started using a retainer I bought a while back specifically designed to correct posture. Really interesting how bad posture is caused by poor tongue positioning and general jaw asymmetry.

Still find myself thinking about relationships and how I’m still struggling to just “be” in them. I don’t know how to describe it anymore than that, they just don’t flow well for me. There’s a lot of stuff I’m still working through, but I know I can’t just shortcut the process and I’m starting to accept that more. It’s difficult enough as is, no need to keep shaming myself for things.

The loop of WB definitely gave me that characteristic rogue attitude today. But it was directed inward. Like aggressive self care, not letting people’s bs invade my personal bubble. I’m really done with people airing their shit with no remorse. I don’t have to take that bs.

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#228

Just going to say this. I hate how convoluted my family dynamics were. Always feeling like I was in some elaborate game I could lose. Everything makes sense now. Why most interactions with people are analyze first, connect later.

This is one area of my life where I have to be more compassionate. I’m working on a developmental problem, not a simple habit like exercising more.

When I built out my Genesis custom ideas started flowing to me how I could help myself more. I still haven’t received it yet, but I feel like just bringing attention to the modules has me thinking about things in different ways. I’m looking forward to running it.

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#229

Interesting the ways our minds can protect us sometimes.

For a while now I’ve had a fear of improving my life rapidly. And the reason is, if I could change so much now why didn’t I do it back then?

At the heart of this is grief and mourning. One of the reasons I’m including Path of Forgiveness in my custom. In order to grow I have to accept how life was for me. I did lose time, I did experience pain, I did run into developmental arrest. I did what I could and I need to stop dwelling on what I should have done better.

I always thought I was afraid of the future and change for a different reason. But now I understand the fear was the attempt at keeping me from evaluating my life fully. The more I improved or the better I got, it pulled up my past. I didn’t want to face that, so in my head I decided less positive growth equals less pain.

You would think yeah, why wouldn’t you accept happiness? But it’s such a weird mix of patterns and associations. I’m deconstructing them now and learning more. I’m learning that hope is good, but it can’t negate the reality of what you’ve been through in life. The only way is to make peace with it so it stops holding unconscious power over you.

I still struggle in life, more than I wish I did. But I know acknowledging those feelings is really important.

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#230

I made some huge progress with perfectionism. I’ve been skating more recently and learning to enjoy the little things about it. When I was younger I barely enjoyed it because I felt like landing a trick wasn’t a big deal when someone else could do 3 nicer ones with even less effort. But lately I’m just accepting the small wins I get learning my own tricks and the process of being comfortable on the board.

I’m trying to bring this mentality to every area of my life. A lot of the time I don’t recognize my achievements because I’m always comparing them to something better. It doesn’t matter that I did it, it’s expected of me, why should I be proud? Those are the types of thoughts that ran through my head. Nothing ever seemed good enough.

It’s very much an overarching theme of my life. Even with my own self growth. These subs are so bold in what they can help you accomplish and some of my personal achievements I just get down on myself. I’m trying to be better, I know everyone has their own journey. But I’ve always been intimidated at the idea of never being good at something I do. I always felt the need to excel, not in a positive way. It just gets ridiculous. Still trying to unpack this and figure out why this happens a lot. More than likely I’m substituting in being really good at something for real genuine self worth.

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#231

This happened to me too. I remember concluding that I possibly had no talents. (A ridiculous concept.)

It got better over time.

It’s like you have to recalibrate your mental processing. Actually, Genesis should help with this too.

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#232

Told myself WB was the challenge. Could I drop it and focus on Genesis? Yeah I could, but why? For the expectation that my results would skyrocket? No I told myself long term and I’m going to stick to that promise.

It’s a hard title to run for me, I’m not gonna lie. I’m up to 1 minute on it and currently debating if I should go back down to 30s. At the same time I’m not completely destroyed by a 1 minute loop and it seems like the right level of challenge for me to keep progressing.

I think one thing WB really hits me with, is it balances feeling good about myself with how I objectively might look to others. What I mean by that is it’s not some cloak of attractiveness or an aura, it’s pushing me to create deep fundamental changes in how I present myself. I’ll be honest for most of my life my body, how I present myself, what I look like, it’s all been a big void. Feel pretty unattractive in general, I’ve got a lot of stuff I need to improve appearance wise which is intimidating more than fun to explore. Still trying to work that out.

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#233

Back to 30s for WB definitely. Note to self, recon peaks the next day, not the day of listening.

Self care is the name of the game. I’ve been listening to the audiobook Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Having a lot of things click with regards to my sporadic listening patterns and subs. Emotionally neglected individuals have trouble expressing their needs. When something is too much, when they need support, expressing difficulty, etc. I realized that I’m ignoring these signals in favor of faster growth which isn’t healthy. Not only am I ignoring, but my ability to interpret more nuanced understanding is lacking. I can’t give myself self care if I can’t accurately understand what is upsetting. Unfortunately I can’t just flip a switch and know. It’s not an awareness thing, it’s a skill thing. One I never built as a child. And it’s just a head trip how I can see the exact lack of understanding to provide emotional support that mirrors my mom’s interactions with me.

There are things I can handle and things I can’t. And when I’m honest about struggling or hitting up against a hard time my initial reaction is to judge hard and to dismiss emotional needs.

This manifests in two possible ways. One, running away completely. Ditching a sub, sub hopping, or questioning goals. If I can’t manage the emotions I’ll just run away from the thing that’s stirring them up. Or two, double down, ignore my needs, grit my teeth, and deny. Hope that by ignoring everything and just powering through, eventually those pesky emotional needs will go away and I’ll be who I want to be.

It’s just rough. You can have all the intellectual understanding of this stuff, but it only takes you so far. I’m learning everyday. But I also have to DO. The least I can do for myself is not abuse my mind by overdoing it with subs.

So deceptive. What I think is tenacity and determination is self neglect. My internal framework of emotions is all jacked up. But lessons and all that, I have to learn this stuff now as an adult.

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#234

Apparently I’m having myself an impromptu early break.

Notes for myself.

1 minute on WB was too much. Hits 2-3 days after so recon doesn’t peak until I’m on schedule for another loop. This makes it deceptively seem like I’m good to continue with the 1 minute approach. But it compounds. Also my own self awareness is lacking so I push it too much without realizing. Since it’s delayed it sneaks up on me and I start attributing it to other things. I also don’t know if this is possible but additional loops can hold off deeper processing if I’ve still got something being worked on, the problem is when I hit a rest period then all hell breaks loose. Not a good approach. Tricky stuff.

Genesis might be good with 1 minute. But 1 minute on WB seems to have bottlenecked everything a bit. Will have to review this.

Sanguine seems ok at 2 minutes. But I think I’ll keep monitoring my reaction during listening to gauge how much I can handle. In theory sanguine shouldn’t be emotionally difficult to run but who the hell knows at this point with me.

Will have to review my bookmarked section of my journal until I get it through my head to go easier with myself.

For now I rest, process my backlog, and try to enjoy life.

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#235

Yup there it is. Why WB has been such a rollercoaster for me. Just needed things to settle.

I’m realizing that WB has some bold ass goals for myself. But meanwhile I struggle with things like physical touch. Then get into the idea of intimate sex and I’m having a full on anxiety attack. Even if I could get the attention and end result of sex, that one experience isn’t gonna magically change things. This goes deeper and I have to acknowledge it otherwise I’m gonna hit a wall. I was gunning for a goal I wasn’t even ready to accept.

The girl I went on a date with, I pretty much had to set things straight. She thought I wasn’t interested in her. But really what was happening was my lifelong curse of appearing aloof/detached. No this isn’t WB mystery, this is just good old fear screwing up my interactions. A defense mechanism that’s doing its job flawlessly, it just doesn’t need to be there anymore.

Truthfully I’m still running WB as an experiment. I haven’t self destructed and it’s been rough, but I’m learning. If I quit every sub that didn’t immediately mesh with me I wouldn’t be running subs lol. Can I capitalize on WB immediately like some other guys on here? Hell no. But that doesn’t mean I have to drop it, I didn’t fail because I’m not hitting all the goals yet. I remind myself that now.

#236

A worthwhile challenge for you may be to practice separating your behaviors and your life conditions from your sense of self.

This is a kind of dissociation or depersonalization exercise.

The ultimate goal is to be able to calibrate the degree of identification based on what is most helpful in a given moment.

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#237

Any advice on doing that? I’ve been trying to slowly untangle it for years now.

Actually I’ve been learning I have strong enmeshment habits that need to be broken. Going to be focusing on that with my therapist. My sense of self isn’t clearly defined for me, so separating it is difficult.

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#238

This may sound strange, but…

Just loosely hold the intention to do so.

It’s something you “allow” to happen rather than “make” happen.

Like drifting off to sleep. (Something I find quite difficult at times.)

That’ll do it.

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#239

@Malkuth gave excellent advice - as per usual. Always love reading his take on things.

My approach is a wee bit different, it may or may not work for you. If touch is a challenge for you, then make it normal.

If you currently don’t touch your male friends in conversation, start doing it. Same with relatives, female friends then strangers. For instance I tap friends on the shoulder when I’m teasing them. Give my relatives shoulder a squeeze or hug. If you don’t touch anyone now get used to touching people in a non-sexual way.

You’ll have to learn to calibrate when in the conversation feels right. And you’ll only get there by making mistakes. At a bar when chatting to strangers I tap them on the shoulder when teasing or making a joke. It’s something will become part of who you are.

However you can also very quickly tell who doesn’t like to be touched by subtle shifts in body language. If that happens address it directly “oh man, sorry about that. I’m always tapping my friends on the shoulder in conversation. Just realized I did that to you. Is that weird? If so I totally won’t that again,” Or something to that effect. Works with all genders. Address it directly and move on.

When you’re comfortable turn it into a game with women you’re interested in. Handshake counts as touch, so does a fist bump. Try to get 5 or 10 in a row. Start with 5 -10 different women. Eventually 5-10 with the same woman.

However always, always, be respectful of people’s physical boundaries. I personally can get touched out, meaning if someone touches me to much - even if it’s a girlfriend or lover - I don’t want that person to touch me again for awhile. (I don’t tell them that but I run an errand or do something for them so I can get away)

From non-sexual touch move the needle a bit. Lightly, gently and briefly touch the lower back. Help someone put on or take off a coat. If they have long hair move it out of the way so it doesn’t get trapped inside the coat. Then kissing, nudity w/o sex, ect.

Have fun with the process. If you’re naturally aloof that is an asset, use it.

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#240

Thanks for the advice @Malkuth @Fusion

It’s good to have fresh ideas in my head to work with.

I think maybe for me lately there’s a lot of this self perceived regression. But it’s more like stripping away the thoughts, concepts, and beliefs that just got me by day to day. It’s always been there, I just got really good at avoiding it.

As I calm myself and slow down, my nervous system regulating itself, more and more gets revealed to me. I don’t always know what to do with it, but stuffing it back in a box to get by definitely isn’t the answer. It can feel surreal at times.

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