Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

[Malkuth]

It’s a chicken-or-the-egg situation.

To you, it looks like other people are less anxious because they’re more competent than you.

Alot of times, they are not more competent than you.

Rather, it’s just that they feel more competent because they’re less anxious.

So is my anxiety a sign that something’s wrong with me? Or is it instead that because I have this anxious feeling I insist on looking for things that must be wrong with me.

(I tend to think it’s the latter. And when it comes to the human mind, there’s at least 5 of everything in there. So if you look for something, you’re probably going to find it. Whatever you look for, you’re going to find ‘evidence’ and ‘proof’ that shows you were right.)

I’m not saying I have some answer to this. I don’t.

But I do think this is a mistake that we make a lot that makes life much harder.

We have a tendency to compound certain things. To just keep adding on more and more.

One actual painful thing happens. And then we use our imaginations to add 300 more painful things on top of it.

And it happens so fast and so automatically that the 300 things we added end up feeling like they were part of the original objective event.

If we gradually decrease the amount of extra pain we are reflexively adding; it doesn’t actually get rid of the original pain. But we feel so much better that it feels miraculous.

“How can I stop subconsciously adding pain on top of pain?”

There are tons of ways, but the basic methods are: 1) Watch closely and notice that you are doing it. 2) Start building new better habit-responses that you do when pain (aka stress, discomfort, etc.,) happens. 3) Intend to do it less.

I’d say I’m about 20 to 23 years in and I’m still working on this.

But it’s not a race or a contest.

Just makes things better.

So why not?

[Fractal_Explorer]

@Malkuth

There are tons of ways, but the basic methods are: 1) Watch closely and notice that you are doing it. 2) Start building new better habit-responses that you do when pain (aka stress, discomfort, etc.,) happens. 3) Intend to do it less.

My new Genesis custom I built was created to specifically target these patterns interestingly enough. I fully agree with you. I’ve been doing my best to not do this anymore and I’ve made progress I think.

But I’ve swung between two extremes. Growing up I was told “there was nothing wrong with me” but I was clearly dysfunctional in a lot of ways and struggling. I carried that into adulthood where I blamed myself for everything in my life and there was no space for compassion. Then it kind of all unfolded on me and I had a “what a mess, I don’t even know what to do with any of this” moment.

So for me determining what is the actual painful things vs me adding on top isn’t always clear due to replayed patterns of self neglect.

That’s not an answer either from me lol. I think it’s just a process and I have a tendency to think I can intellectually strongarm something into happening I’m not there for on an emotional level. Just that itself has been an important lesson for me.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Since starting my break and working though things, I’m seeing habits and patterns stemming from trying to prove something to myself even if it’s not what I need.

I’m going to try running WB at 30s and be completely honest with myself and how I respond. Maybe even just one 30s loop a week is all I can handle. But I don’t want to drop it completely. I’ll figure out something. What I was doing definitely wasn’t working and it was hurting more than helping. It’s hard sometimes because in my head slowing down or taking things easier I equate with not trying hard enough or giving up.

I’ve got some messed up patterns I’m still working through. But ultimately I need to get myself off this hellish survival mode hamster wheel I’ve been stuck on.

[Fractal_Explorer]

I was thinking about returning to DRLD. But I read the goals and asked myself, who is this for and is this what I really need right now? I decided no it wasn’t the right time and it was just me putting my own needs aside for the sake of a goal.

So when I start back on the subs I’m giving sanguine elixir a go. Less focus on external, more focus on internal. I’ve fallen into habits in the past where I was like “if I just break through this problem or achieve this thing it will all come together more”. It never does because I essentially abandon myself to reach whatever it is I’m pushing for.

At my last therapy session we had talked about being mindful of the day to day. Finding things to look forward to, having preferences, maximizing enjoyment. I think sanguine elixir can definitely help with that. Since I’ve slowed down and went low contact with my parents, it’s become more and more obvious I have very few things I care about in my life. No real strong preferences, no “I want this”, no “how do I make my life more enjoyable and do nice things for myself”.

To a certain degree I’m afraid of having a stronger self identity and expression of myself. It’s probably fear of what others think, but it doesn’t seem as trivial as that. It feels more like active camouflage, there’s a sense of safety in not standing out. I’m sure SE can help me uncover that more.

[Fractal_Explorer]

I got inspired the other day to write something while flipping through presets on my synth. Funny how that works, no intention of writing a song and I end up starting one vs intending to write and procrastinating. Something to be learned from that, maybe I need more of a free exploration area to collect ideas then structure them vs trying to structure right off the bat.

Anyway I didn’t get very far. Just a small loop I plan on building on. That initial burst of inspiration is always fun, still trying to figure out how to expand that into a whole song vs having the whole thing make me anxious. This goes back to doing stuff for myself, not trying to impress other people with music. What do I want? I’ve realized a lot of my songs I’ve written in the past have this drifting sort of undefined feel to them sometimes. And while it is a form of expression, there’s layers of more stuff under that I feel like I need to explore.

I feel like recently my life has hit a huge reset and I’m reevaluating how I approach things. I don’t have to suffer for art or drag myself through broken glass to complete projects anymore because I want this to be enjoyable and fun. Instead of criticizing myself for not working hard enough I’m investigating WHY this gets so difficult at times and what I can do to help myself. But I’m determined to keep making music a bigger part of my life.

[Doc]

The primal subs helped mit with friendly touching people almost on autopilot.
A friendlich tip on the should or an arm around them.
Works with women, but the ice needs to be broken at first