Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

Journals - Major Programs
#181

Back from my coffee date. It was good and I enjoyed the experience. I have 0 reference to indicate if it went well overall or not, so I just let her know I had fun and I’d love to see her again. But there’s definitely a part of me that’s like “ya blew it, she’s never gonna want to contact you again”. But she responded and expressed similar sentiments so it seems like there’s mutual attraction there.

But holy crap was that exhausting. I stopped at the grocery store on my way home got fried chicken, vanilla coke, and now I’m watching Limitless. Was that the appropriate thing to do for myself? Idk but it happened lol.

I guess this experience kind of showed me I’m a certain kind of person and the women in my life will have to understand that. I want to be the confident self assured guy, but it’s not there yet. Life didn’t pan out that way, I didn’t get the early life experiences necessary when it comes to dating and whatnot. I’m on my way, but I have to accept where I’m at in order to grow. In the past I let my fears control me so much I couldn’t put myself in positions that would shatter the illusion I had built for myself.

It’s kinda like this. I was at the skatepark yesterday. I ate it on a simple nollie shove. Meanwhile there were guys around me tearing it up on the ramps that I can’t even drop in on or use. I have to look a fool doing what I do until I get my tricks on lock. No way around it. Same for most of life, sometimes you just aren’t there and you have to take a step back and ask yourself am I being honest with myself or trying to protect something?

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#182

All that you said is true;

and to not bullshit yourself and to face your limitations without flinching is one of the foundations of solid character; BUT…

can you also face your strengths without flinching?

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#183

I ate fried chicken yesterday as well, hahaha.

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#184

I never really could. It just feels like a giant blindspot. I know there are strengths there, they just don’t appear very clearly to me.

#185

I have a similar blindspot.

I have been working with it for years.

Ironically, what has helped the most has been gradually gaining some degree of perspective outside of the ego and the egoic orientation, and (somewhat) reducing their dominion and influence over my perceptions of self and the world.

It’s funny but while for some people reining in ego helps them to be less grandiose; for others, reining in the ego actually helps with recognizing strengths and positive attributes. The first type of person fits the conventional stereotype. But the second is not uncommon either.

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#186

This is definitely why I’m sticking to Genesis. The new experiences, physical grounding, and expanding outward helps me actually live a strength vs ponder it on a thought exercise level. Sometimes there’s a bit of lag in realizing it but once it clicks I can’t really handwave it away.

#187

Words of gold.

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#188

I intuitively ran 1 min of Genesis last night. I set up for 30s and once the 30s past I wasn’t feeling the usual internal movement and emotional shifts. It felt like I could keep going so I did.

I had some insight today about my emotional processing. I realized this is the bottleneck for me. The back and forth between suppression and expression. It’s not consistent. I put in a support ticket asking for advice on a sub. More than likely I’m going to drop DRLD and try to put more attention on my ability to process emotions.

Right now the thought is Sanguine to instill a sense of safety that might help me feel ok with allowing things more. It’s a really simple thing, but I’ve realized it’s crucial for me. I’m still developing this ability and I need a sub that compliments my own internal work vs works against it. Identifying, naming, and accepting emotions is something I really struggle with.

#189

Well this is some interesting development.

I’m not much of a sub hopper. But I also have a tendency to be inflexible and stick out things out of perfectionism. Basically “I should be able to do this”. Is it determination? Partially, but it’s also fear of alternatives that are “lesser”.

What’s funny is now that I’ve run DRLD for a bit, it’s helping me conceptualize more of what I need to do to live a better life vs what I should do. Ironically that means putting away DRLD for a bit and choosing something else.

What that is I’m not sure yet. But I feel like DRLD helped me dissolve a self care or compassion block I’ve had which now lets me understand this particular sub isn’t the right time for me. Honoring that intuition and feedback is something I really had trouble doing in the past with these subs.

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#190

Genesis hitting me with those existential thoughts again.

Later on today I’m gonna make a chart. On one side “things I chose for myself and I’m in alignment with” the other side " things I had imposed upon me and aren’t actually me"

Things are so twisted up. Like I said I have trouble identifying emotions or understanding them on a more in depth level. My long sprawling paragraphs on here sometimes do a lot to explain what’s happening in there, but it’s not exactly being understood on an emotional level.

Point being. Sub choice. Is WB the one for me? I don’t know. I’ve gotten benefits from it so far, but I feel like I might be climbing mountains ill equipped. On top of that the appeal of having casual sex and intimacy is a fantasy of me as an individual who fears deeper interpersonal connection.

It’s like “what are you trying to do here?” That’s the question with WB right now. Are you trying to get validation from women by getting more attraction? Then what? Meeting up? Then what? You pretty much don’t know. I mean hell on some level you don’t even want sex. What are you trying to get out of this sub?

I don’t want to drop it on impulse, but if I can’t identify a good reason for running this I have to reconsider my stack. What elements of WB are in here that I appreciate and could be found in other subs? Maybe going back to the original wanted until I can level up to this one.

The irony of this whole post is it feels like some elements of WB. Especially the emotional regulation and moving away from the idea of pursuing to being pursued. Sigh. Does this mean I shouldn’t drop DRLD either? This is what I’m talking about, I don’t know what’s “good” for me.

#191

most people don’t.

the difference is you just won’t stop thinking about it.

that’s not a bad thing.

here’s a question:

if there was a smoothie in front of you, made from fruits you’d never heard of; how would you learn if you liked it or not?

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#192

Well quite honestly I’d inquire what relationship those fruits had to other fruits to get a better idea of what I’m getting into. Then depending on that venture to try the smoothie. I’ve never been a leap before I look type person, ever. It’s kept me out of not so great circumstances but it does limit my capacity for exploration.

Part of me is like. Would these fruits kill me? Are they safe? What if I’m secretly allergic? So that level of paranoia and anxiety does leak into all aspects of my life to some degree. I kinda wish my first instinct was to just try the damn smoothie, metaphorically speaking of course as it pertains to life.

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#193

I think I’m going to try experimenting with dropping the volume on the subs again. See if that helps a bit.

I’m starting to think my issue isn’t overexposure or even recon. I just still have patterns of emotional suppression within me.

And I think to myself “ok if I just breath more, relax more, allow, let the emotions express themselves, etc” it will “work”. But it’s not a technique or principle for allowing more seamless processing of emotions, it’s just growth. Growth I haven’t had yet. I’m tuning into these defensive mechanisms for the first time in a long time, they’ve been with me most of my life.

This is just part of my own healing really. Finding out how to work within my abilities.

It’s important to keep moving forward, but it has to be healthy. I know in the past I’d go full speed, re traumatize myself, then back away and do the complete opposite and hide again. Such a careful balance.

My main issue is more rest days doesn’t automatically guarantee better processing. It’s not a question of rest, but a sort of basic component of emotional regulation gone sideways that I’ve kind of ignored for most of my life.

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#194

I have to type this one out because it’s a peak into the chaotic yet somehow falls in place theme of my life.

As I usually do at my job I lose track of time. I’m very time blind in everything I do. So I didn’t realize my reset day for my vacation time was coming up. Yesterday I talked to my boss and he was like, yeah just take the rest of the week off so you don’t lose the days. So now I’m on an impromptu stay at home vacation just chilling out.

I’ve been trying to be more responsible financially and have my money grow somehow vs sitting in a checking account doing nothing. A while back I setup a roth IRA and haven’t been consistent with feeding it. But today I went to go check and it turns out I had setup an auto transaction quarterly to put some money in it. So I haven’t been completely irresponsible with it lol. Past me did me a solid.

Looking at an online bank I signed up for years ago that has higher interest for savings that I might be able to leverage a bit.

I’m not good with money. And by not good I mean the actual numerical representation of it. I’m responsible, but that responsibility is more born out of fear which kinda sucks. I broke that fear this past year by ACTUALLY getting a better idea of my financials. Now I have things budgeted a month ahead and I can see what money is additional income vs going to expenses. Found a really useful app that has been super helpful with this.

I’m trying to figure out how to make things work within the context of my own life. A lot of my life has just been having things shoved in my face that either didn’t work for me or made me feel worse about myself. I still don’t know if it’s ADHD or trauma or both, but the bottom line is I have to advocate for myself.

But I still don’t feel like an adult and I’m 32 years old. I mean that number means absolutely nothing to me because I know age is no guarantee of maturity or growth. Age happens alongside development, but doesn’t really cause it.

Fun bit of synchronicity though. This track popped up in my dnb queue while working yesterday.

#195

I’ve been doing some pondering on the mechanism of action for intake of subliminals.

I don’t believe we have infinite capacity. In fact I don’t see my subconscious as this super computer. Everything I’ve ever read over the years that claims the subconscious has this awesome infinite power seems over hyped.

Is it powerful? Yes. But I think it still has it’s own limitations. I don’t think it operates independently of the conscious things we notice.

For example, I don’t process audible instructions well. It’s really easy for me to lose track of instructions or if someone rattles off a whole statement I wasn’t prepared for.

So maybe the reason why microloops work for me is because my subconscious gets overwhelmed trying to parse too much information. Interestingly enough I was reading short term memory operates in 18-30s, meaning your brain gives incoming material 30s before it decides it’s going to go into long term memory storage or not.

So if I had to guess subliminals are like the theory of “chunking”. 30s of highly dense sped up instructions, perceived as one big block. Once that’s committed to long term it’s dissected and expanded. More information in less time, but the processing still occurs at a normal rate of thinking or problem solving.

And I’ve always been a slow thinker. I’ve got some good ideas at times, but I’ve failed my fair share of tests in school and I’m not always quick on my feet unless there’s a pressing emergency. So idk. Maybe my 1 min loop of Genesis this past week was the wrong call. If in theory 30s loop is enough to keep my mind chewing on something for a whole day that seems the right amount to me.

Also some people like turning on subtitles with movies to help them follow dialogue more. I wonder if we can get the equivalent for these subs. That would be tricky I guess seeing as how the script would be visual and someone with a lot of time on their hands could dissect it.

Then there’s also the impact trauma has on the brain too…Have to rethink my strategy with everything when it comes to these subs.

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#196

I haven’t heard back from support yet, but I decided to go ahead and swap out DRLD for Sanguine. I just need some strong support, no healing, no excessive digging.

It’s been about 30 minutes since my listen. Despite being off of work and on vacation I’ve been having the worst anxiety. I haven’t been able to do anything because I have this thought of “I can’t spend time on that, I have to fix my life”. But the whole “fixing my life” thing is just a manifestation of deep anxiety I’ve had most of my life. Where it feels like it all could unravel and fall apart at any point in time. I guess that’s trauma in a nutshell really.

Anyway I’ve been thinking about dropping WB because I was worried it’s hurting more than helping. But since running Sanguine a few minutes ago I see it’s not the content of the sub that gets me, it’s change itself. WB is heavy on change for me and I know I’m afraid of that. Anything that deviates from “what works” triggers a lot of anxiety because I really don’t have an internal sense of safety, it feels like by some miracle I didn’t end up in worse shape than I am over the years.

In short I probably should have started running Sanguine months ago. My coping strategy for getting past everything is to just keep pushing through, but I never took the time to establish safety for myself. It’s a lot easier to grow and change if you know your life isn’t going to fall apart because of it.

#197

Sanguine works quite well for anxiety.

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#198

I’m feeling insanely depressed tonight. A lot has been coming up now that I’m not distracted with work. Several things I need to stop

  • caffeine. I’ve said this 1000 times but starting tomorrow that’s it no more. I use this to push myself past my limits for the sake of other people’s gain. I’m not going to hurt myself further by disregarding my needs. I don’t know if I feel so crappy tonight because of my past few days of caffeine intake.

  • Bypassing my tolerance levels as far as functioning goes. If I’m not doing it with caffeine it’s self imposed. I need to stop doing this. I need to be more aware of my body

  • Feeling responsible for how other people feel. I’m not getting dragged into dysfunction anymore at work. I’m sick of people shooting themselves in the foot then dragging me into it.

  • Going on this forum. I spend too much time here. No disrespect to anyone here but it hasn’t been healthy for me. I keep on finding myself coming here looking for something that I know doesn’t exist here. Original subs, q, qv2, zp, zpv2, all brilliant achievements but always that hope that the next thing is going to fit some missing puzzle in my life.It’s an unhealthy healing fantasy, this hope that one thing can come along and fix things, but it can’t. It’s inner work, it’s all inner work and understanding. I hate that I constantly want something else and I can’t rely on myself.

There’s probably more but I’m hurting pretty bad right now.

I’m going on my 5 day rest. When I get back I promise myself I will be more generous with my rest days and treat myself better. No more of this frantic “I need to get to a certain destination soon” energy. Need to care for myself more, I’m not going to grow just putting myself through emotional torment all the time.

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#199

Nah you know what? I’m done. Going on a long washout. This isn’t working. I can’t do this anymore.

#200

Just take a break from all the thoughts for a while man, all the fix everything thoughts. I know it’s hard when it feels like shit is spiralling downward but just grounding yourself in the present moment through bodily senses can help. What can you see, smell, touch etc. Or meditation if that’s your thing.

This might sound a bit morbid but I find what helped my anxiety a lot was reflecting on my own mortality and inevitable death. In a few generations after my death, I won’t exist, even in the memory of another, so I may as well enjoy the time now. Kind of like we are already dust, so what’s there to fear. I find this helped a lot in respect to anxieties surrounding social expectations. It probably wouldn’t hurt to cut back on caffeine because it has a more powerful effect than people realise and that could be causing issues.

Hopefully something I wrote helps, but regardless, I wish you well and believe you’ll be feeling better soon and learn something from this.

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