Furkan's Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#1676

I didn’t choose to live in this world. I didn’t want to born. But what can I do? it’s tricky game.

i should my best with the cards I dealt. But it’s easier said than done.

Will you always be that weak what are you gonna do?

I feel that I stay below my potential I think it’s a deep feeling, state, running on my system.

I couldn’t decide whether I’m stupid or not. Even if Im not stupid, am I winning in life? Do I enjoy, does my work go on its way.

Mostly not bro. But I don’t like accep to defeat. I need to reverse this situation

#1677

i feel my self better when I don’t see her but I will see her again tomorrow. Yes she is pretty but she doesn’t talk with me too much. I like her but probably she doesn’t like me so what I’m gonna do? I can’t just forget or i can’t erase my feelings immediately. I don’t like this situation

#1678

Would she talk with in this situation, probably not, this bothers me, we are not that close. I don’t like this situation. I don’t if we will have a relationship but I want to be close to her. Maybe it will be selfish but I want to her to care about me, think about me.

Maybe the feelings I have about her are imaginary but I love her. And I care about her. Yeah I was looking good today, i was getting attention but I couldn’t hers. I don’t care other girls eyes, I don’t care about their attention.

#1679

Do you love her or do you love the idea of her that you’ve built up after months of fixating with no progress on an actual relationship?

2 Likes
#1680

Maybe both.

Of course it was mistake to put on her pedestal in my mind, I dreamed about her a lot. I’ve idealized her.
I should treat her like a normal human.

But also still she is beautiful, nothing changes this.

And about progress on relationship, right now Im just trying to talk with her. And I don’t have much time maybe I have 3-4 weeks the school will be end at that time then the finals(exams) will come.
I don’t think in that time frame I can be in relationship with her. I would love to but it’s hard, I can barely talk with her.

I back from gym, got shower and Im gonna sleep rn I feel better but still problem is there.

#1681

My digestive system still isn’t what I want it to be.

I was eating avocado in the morning for a while, I cut it off and started to eat banana instead but I don’t know this situation affects my mood.

what is the missing point , I walk, go to gym I don’t consume junk food. I’m trying to drink enough amount of water.

Im doing something wrong or I’m not doing something I should do.

But i think it shouldn’t be that hard.

#1682

Hell ya, I talked with her today.

We had 2 lessons today after first I couldn’t catch them but they were going to next lessons classroom to another building, I was hesitant first first I saw some guys from class I talked with them for a few minutes, and they were sittin at the bench, she and her friend.

I approached them said hello how are you etc and she said why don’t you sit and we talked for like 30 mins, Ive learned lots of things about her. It was good, but also im surprised they were friendly. I was hesitant to approach them because she was talking with her friend and I didn’t want to disturb them but I went and approached them.

She has a good personality and she’s not a shallow person. Interesting person. I want to know her more.
But I don’t want to stress her, push her.

But there were also things from the conversations that lingered in my mind, she said she was going to holiday with her family last time she went her friend
And she said it was fun. She doesn’t look like promiscuous person but I need to know.also I want to learn that does she use alcohol.

I was saying to myself I want a partner who has no sexual relationship etc if she use alcohol etc probably she had, but still I want to know her about.
I was rigid about this topics but I want to know.

Also what will happen between her and I, will I ask.her for.coffee or will.i say to her that I have feelings for her. Time is important I have like maybe 2-3 weeks then School will be finished and then exams after that I won’t be see her for months

I don’t want to think about for the all summer.
And financially she has a better family for than me, she said after school she will go to holiday to abroad with her family, probably for summer she will go to good places too, while I will be sitting home. With no friends, boring. Or I will find job and work, actually I want to.work rather than go home.

After conversation she kept me thinking about my life choices, Ive got to say she is smart. I want to be close to her. She is more social than me probably knows different things I don’t know.

#1683

What if she is really virgin, Id like to marry her at that moment but I don’t have money.

#1684

And I should say I feel depressed when i go to dorm actually I feel depressed too in this library.

#1685

Promiscuous people dont look promiscuous, dude. And most women aren’t going to causally discuss their sex lives with men they hardly know.

#1686

She looks like good, decent, innocent person, I can’t say she is promiscuous because I didn’t see any sign and you said “Promiscuous people dont look promiscuous” but what to do then assume all women are promiscuous? I will trust my instincts.

And I don’t have any intention to discuss her sex life.
I’m trying to get to know her and her lifestyle.

If she doesn’t use alcohol this is good for me.
If she use but still virgin, that is okay too.

#1687

Also she mentioned that she helps children through charity, she is socially conscious person and she mentioned that she is coordinator at there

#1688

I think I’m in recon, there are things I want to right but I will write after I done it. Writing before may bring some unlucks

#1689

There are lots of things to write also there were no school for a few days but i couldnt spend my time efficiently and effectivly.

Also i feel i have self worth issues, i was asking why would she choose me? Or even she did maybe she can change her mind. I dont know, would i be able to find someone like her after her if we had a relationship

#1690

I need some skill some achievment to feel confident

#1691

What did you have in mind

#1692

I dont know mate my mind is confused with lots of things

#1693

i tried to ask her for coffee today but it was awful. My voice trembled I was very hesitant to ask or not I said fuckin, she was with her friends but asked it anyway.

I said there are somethings in my mind from last conversation which I’d like to talk with you she was little cold to me and said if you are wondering this things I can tell you etc. And I said okay. But her tone was more like we are friends. it was very bad. I barely talked. I couldn’t talk.

Tomorrow or the another day i will tell her that I want to talk with her because she gets my interest and I want know her.

Fuck it man I was dreaming, dreaming about her constantly and that’s it.

#1694

Actually I want to text her now

#1695

But this will be very sudden proposition