3rd day of the new cycle
I listened:
Hero and art of happiness and joy.
I was going to run only hero but I wanted to give it a chance. I think happiness independent external circumstances is needed. Will see the results
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Im little sick though, actually I’ve ran paragon now I know it’s against the recommendations, but I wish I’d ran this before going bed.
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Although I live some negative things today, I was looking handsome, getting fresh cut looks me more handsome it really makes difference, it changes your mood for positive,
I’m mostly at home I don’t care this too much but if I go to the university etc I should get haircuts regularly.
I have trimmer but I’m not sure that I can cut my self, even if I able to do this, bathroom would be mess.
But I think despite the people mostly say here, physical attractiveness is important. Inside effects outside, outside effects inside
I feel depressed, maybe because of recon.
And also I didn’t ejaculate for like 7-8 days,
I don’t know why this is happening, but it’s happened before too when I abstained for this day range, I get depressed.
i was in depressed mood for past few days, righ now im more calm but still ihave problems to deal and things to do, there are like six months for exam if i cant get what i want this time too either i will go to mediocre school, or to military and after military probably i will do mediocre labour jobs, so if i cant g succeded it ill be fucked up, probably i woulnd go to mediocre uni because of money etc it wouldn worth it. this situation weighs on my soul, squezzes it. im tired of trying it and failing. but if i cant do this probably burden of this will be much more greater. I’d be wasting my potential, and that’s probably what I’d be doing. i dont belive myself. dont belive im powerful and i can change the world, the situations im in. things change quickly. for a few weeks ago i was thinking waht if all the thing is in my head(consciousness) i mean what if all the universe the world people etc within me? and what if i have power to change the things. like dream until you wake up you dont realize(except lucid dreams) all of things were in your mind, was part of you but you thought it was seperate from you.
i dont know but my heart and mind are not clear.
I wasn’t writing for a time,
Back from gym it was legs and upper body, I don’t know why but I can’t increase strength as before I was doing it. I emphasize on intensity but nothing significantly changes and it disappoints me, when changed my work style similar to Mike mentzer’s high intensity training and my diet to i.fasting(skipping breakfast) I waited to see great better results, but it didn’t happen, when I was doing ppl and having normal diet, I was be able to increase increase strength.
Exactly don’t know what to do it leads me to paradox, like doing if and high intensity minimal training feels right but I can’t see good results like I’m same for weeks.
Skipping breakfast feels good but idk.
actually it’s not mean calorie deficit, but same calories in a shorter window, but my expectations doing this was lowering body fat and become shredded but I’m not shredded although I’m not fat or anything like that. But mentally it’s better than having breakfast but I can’t increase my weight also.
I wrote a bit long maybe but fitness currently not even my main issue, I’m not gonna write about it. Main issue is exam, ie my future, but I feel empty about it depressed. I’m not hopeful about it
And I injuried my shoulder a bit, I hope it will be good tomorrow
Today I’m relatively better than yesterday, today was gym day but I will do it tomorrow.
Also today I drove my mom to the dentist, the dentist and her workers were female and they were completing me, the dentist said your shoulders broad you look like swimmers, and they were comparing their heights to me and I’m not even super tall, lol
things need to change im tired fo losing, i was reading about sexual transmutation but it takes my time i have to look for my lessons otherwise things will be ended bad for me. but intersting thing i learnt about sexual transmutaion is that martial artists were using this for strengthening their body via binding sexaul energy parts of their body. interesting, i think everyone should master sexual transmutation energy etc. but idk. i dont think im gonna study regulary and i will win the universtiy i want, to be honest, and what does it mean, it means probably rather studying at a bad unversity probably i will go to military(i have to if idont go to uni) and then i will be doing labour jobs, blue collars job, if I’m going to do this, why did I postpone going to university and wasted years, for nothing? at least i’d have some money. thats disaster, no my past friends and teachers would belive this im at this situation, because all of them were expecting good things bright future from me beacuse i was smart and hardworking once upon a time. why i cant solve the situation im in. and of course if my life ended with this route probably i will lose my physique too.
Movement is essential, even when I run little even if it’s not sprint, or some shadow-boxing even though I don’t have much knowledge about I feel good and I think running and boxing have great mental effect than lifting weights. Though this is necessary too.
I’m reading same things pages about sexual energy for days and im wasting fucking my time, fuck.
Maybe I feel comfortable, maybe I look like relax from outside, but my soul knows I’m wasting my time I’m wasting my potential and I’m being lazy its late night but I don’t want to sleep, I’m not in peace, the situation I’m in for years just give me pain, I’m not confident with my existence
For a few days ago a disastrous event happened in Türkiye, a hotel burned down and 80 people died, I’m asking myself why they died? Of course primary responsible parties are hotel owner and public officials who do not inspect properly, and this one was not first and sadly not will be last. (Consuquences of erdoğan’s(sob) rule!!)
But what I am asking is what did they do to deserve this? Like many of them burned, one of the worst way of dying, what did they do to deserve this, most of them were families innocent people died little innocent kids died.
Some time ago I was reading a book and it was written like, it’s no coincidence to what happened to one, if you don’t have vibratory resonance even if you’re in a disastrous place you can survive without dead etc.
It creates dissonance in me, make me little angry. so what you’re saying, you’re saying they burned like coal because they deserved it!!!
Why little kids babies innocent people die in wars because of they deserve it???
They say God inherently good. if it’s then why this people die? Because God wants innocent people to die? Of course everyone of us die(physically) in the end but is that what they deserve?
I cannot say easily, god is good.
Rn, I’m running Hero and Art of Happiness and Joy, I’ve listened hero more than the latter.
I have to say I didn’t notice anything from hero, but I can’t clearly say but I felt something and seein some fun things from AoH, like more joke.
…
Anyway I’ll write about it later
