I want to feel content when the day is over.
Also I have to go to gym too although I’m tired.
I need to read more, I should be more intellectual, what I’m gonna talk with people when I meet them and also I know I get more creative and connecting dots when I read.
Would primal and wanted clash with each other, should I run them together, but I need to wait little more to run primal
I need to be more consistent with subs and should set clear goals for subs and for life,
What do I want to achieve with wanted in 3-4 months or with love bomb? in one year?
Though I’m saying finding a gf is not my number one priority but what can make me more happy than a loving gf what can inspire me more?
Do I think deep down I don’t deserve a one?
is this truth, or self sabotage?
Yeah I don’t feel I’m in my best, why maybe it might sound fun, but I think the reason I don’t read much, I don’t have curiosity for life as before.
I should be more confident and secure in my skin.
But what’s going to happen, just reading more, will I get a gf? I don’t think so, but little improvements in all areas of my life might open new doors for me, and maybe a perfect gf
I want to speak about my gym progress and about relationship, but I need to sleep, I hope I will write tomarrow
Im fucked up
About my progress in muscle development, I see improvements that’s nice but I feel my training schedule it’s etc kinda problematic, I took 2 days of rest but when I worked out tomorrow, I was still feeling fatigue and I was not fully recovered, I was about injury myself. I’m thinking whether should I switch my program to Push Pull legs, right now I’m doing: 1. chest and back 2. Upper body and legs 3. Arms and delts.
And in my training schedule is not fixed, I mean it’s not like, Monday workout Tuesday rest wednes. Workout etc because I take minimum 2 days of rest and if I can’t rest properly like good amount of sleep and even it’s not enough
I would wish to be never born
I feel so bad
What do I live for.
Pain, like something squeeze my heart, for a long time.
Things get worse she was not in my head for a while but since yesterday she’s in my head, not good.
In some ways she is my opposite, she is warm and social.
Also she is hardworking. She remembers me to girl I developed oneisit when I was high school and it was too bad
I was feeling very bad while writing above post, then I felt good and now I’m feeling bad
What should I do with her? Am I honest to myself? How can I be more honest and get right answers? Or do I do overanalyze? Am I coping?
Am I projecting about her? I’m creating idols in my head. Maybe I should research more about what Jung calls anima and try to integrate, or maybe I can see herself what she really is.
Is she perfect, maybe not buy why do I look for perfect one? Even if is it real? What are my criterias?
I don’t think she should be perfect. Perfect for what?
Is it guarantee that it will be long term?
I think I’m avoiding. There are million things in my mind, but maybe I shouldn’t think too much, and should think that everything will be okay, but I didn’t experience this situation a lot, maybe not at all maybe that’s why I’m skeptical, cynic.
Do I want her? if I have to be honest, I would probably be upset If I saw her with someone else.
I shouldn’t do that much emotion investment. And we are in the same classroom this is the problematic case. I don’t want to feel bad everytime I saw her.
in my head I was always think that if there will be a relationship she should be my soulmate, but I think this is not realistic for my life right now, if I have to keep think like this I will be alone for a very long time and unhappy, unfulfilled.
I think I should take a little step toward the unknown.
Yes there are many unknowns, but what I’m gonna do, am I going to let them reign over my life.
Maybe I should have delusional belief that everything going to be alright.
Let’s say okay I want her, but how I’m gonna get her I see her only in the classroom I don’t see her in the library or in the campus.
How I’m gonna manifest her, thinking her imagining her could be dangerous because it means emotional investment and if it doesn’t work everything would be much more worse.
I hate life
i want to kill myself, sometimes I really embarrass myself.
Sick
I’ve just a read old news that about a rape happened in Germany 9 immigrants r*ped to 15old girl, it is fucking sick, and this people didn’t get punished, this is not punishment, they are literally encouraging criminals, I would hang some of them see how criminal reports decrease, and also give their parents to prison sentences, because of the sick monsters they made and raised, this girl will live with this trauma for the end of her life.
in Türkiye people say here it’s not safe, but I think now Europe is more dangerous now, situation like this would never happen here, and if it happens there would be big issues
i couldn’t study today I went to library but just nothing. it goes like this for a few days. there is no gas in tank.
I need a purpose. This lessons uni etc is not enough, what will happen after University, if I lucky I will have good job, it’s not easy, what this job provides me first is money. And so I’m asking myself do I have to wait for graduate to gain money? I don’t want to wait until the end of college. I need to find a something which gives me fulfilment.
How? F.king how?
Life is like a torture for me. I don’t live, I endure.
Maybe life is beautiful for others but not for me, you can ask why?
Why, well in first Im not financially independent, and it is not easy for students in here.
I don’t haven friends, I dont have a girlfriend, the chick I mentioned before maybe could make life better for me, but it’s not gonna happen. it’s just a fantasy, I didn’t get any iois from her and we don’t have chance talk etx. I should forget it and desensitize because it makes me desperate.
And above alI don’t feel I do anything meaningful. I feel stucked for very long time. Im not proud with myself
Maybe I should accept that I’m not special as I thought, probably I will have mediocre life and no family or a mediocre one again. I’m mediocre and it makes me sick, I’m dead inside, life is not colourful for me, when I think I was so naive and innocent about life when I was kid, teenager(early)