On Sunday there is public swimming lessons, I don’t how to swim, and I was thinking attending to one. This could be good, but I don’t have any desire.
Also yesterday I messaged to school’s dance club, if they have still lessons for beginners, I might join, but they didn’t respond.
Alongside gym I want to add 2 activities too, I was thinking dancing and muay Thai but I want to learn swimming asap.
i should erase this girl from my mind she shouldn’t have this much power over my mind, but the thing is I see her every weekday. also I feel jealous because of her. When he talk with other people interact men etc. This is not good.
I don’t want to live same things again. it was awful.
I don’t have a life.
I’m stupid, I don’t want to live among this people, I need a retreat to progression but this is not possible now.
About relationships I don’t care about this idealistic oneitis like relationships that you seek for the one.
I’m not against casual sex anymore. Or maybe I feel like this because yesterday I watch p.rn.
But yes I need sex, I should get rid of from rigid beliefs.
I need to meet with new people need a social circle
But I’m stupid that’s for sure
But she is so beautiful
I would be lesbian if I was her female friend, it’s not she has big boobs or butt. She looks elegant, she is sweet and cheerful. And have beautiful face.
What I’m gonna do?
I’m fed up with being miserable.
After a night with her probably I would be the most happiest man in the world. I would do everything.
Still I know little about world, I’m not talking about esoteric knowledges, but mostly social sciences.
There was a conversation in the classroom, they were talking about africans, whites, differences etc I was thinking that it was mainly genetics but when I searched I couldn’t find any meaningful results about this just there was Watson’s claim.
Also I need some history, especially about Turkish history, How did we fall so far behind when we were at the top of the world? But the bad thing is we learn this things from western historians.
I don’t like being human
if I try to visualize her to get her she will have place in my mind more. there will be more connection in my mind, I will be desperate and I’m %99sure that she will not be with me, because everytime I want something it always slips run away from me.
Do what? Pretend to not care? Maybe I should new one but I have no circle. I should be clear about this
She was in the next desk in library, it was weird because she never comes to library, and she came to library after I was thinking about her, she doesn’t look to me like, she was acting like I’m not here. But I was looking to her heavily.
And in the library there was cat who bothers her, it was funny to watch her how she dealt with the cat.
She was so innocent. She is not like the other girls, she is like a princess, but I’m almost like invisible for her.
I’m really stupid, the class ended, and there were just me and her I was going to somewhere and at that time she asked me something I answered, but I could have moved the conversation forward.
She was talkin about IELTS with the teacher before I could ask about it or about the cat from yesterday’s.
But I didn’t, and I was fucking cold. I shouldn’t be that serious, in that situation she would never ever comprehend how I’m desperate for her.
This is not good I’m creating idols in my head. She is a human but for me not.
I want her. And need to do something. It could be everything, like sitting close to her, I would never do that because how it looks desperate but I don’t care.
And I don’t know if she is the girl I want, but I see her ever school day, and unfortunately I’m not indifferent to her.
I mean I haven’t had any relationship before, no kiss, no touch, no texting, no flirtatious talks. Zero. She ticks most of the criteria for what I want for Girlfriend, like elegancy, beauty, smartness. And she looks innocent. But also I was wanting a girl like me that has no relationship before.
Though I don’t know whether she had a relationship before, but she is a Very beautiful girl, so there’s s high chance that she had, would it break the idealistic view of love I have towards her? Probably.
But even she had I would want her, maybe not for happily ever after, but still I would want her to solve this conflict inside me and if she’s virgin like me probably I would want her for a wifey.
But maybe she could be a person like me that had no relationship, she is so different from the other girls, she has a spark and innocency.
I want to grab her waist, smell her from her neck, hug her, kiss her. Not primal things, not fucking.
I’m desperate for her but if she looks me from outside she could never guess I’m writing this.
It was fun to me watch her while she was struggling with a cat, and before a week ago when I talk with her I felt rejuvenated, like there was a warm breeze that comes to me from her.
She could be the person that can make me happy, and make me connected to earth again. Because I’m disconnected and lost for a long time, I don’t know myself anymore I’m not the kid I’m used to be who was curious and ambitious, nothing motivates me. She could change things and could heal me. I should be honest to myself, I need a person. Probably if I get her I would feel more responsibility and would try to do my best for her and for me.
But also I should admit my locus of focus change from myself to toward her and that’s not good I’m not centered
i feel depressive when I run Wanted maybe in next cycle I should run GLM instead Primal but I’m not sure about them, still I haven’t read copy of GLM because it’s goddamn long.
About gym progression it is good. I see some improvements my friends complimented toy physique but they are opinion not really important for me, there areas I’m lacking.
Right now I began to ppl, I think it will be good for my back. I added row exercise to my program after a long time.
But I’m not sure whether should I do upper body moves at leg day? in my previous training program I was doing it but I also I was takin 2-3 rest days and that day was so long.
With this program maybe I can train 3times but I’m not sure that I would want that, maybe do as the previous one but my exams are closing so I cannot spend so many hours at gym, but also I want muscle progression
I think running Wanted is hard, I feel depressive.
And I’m thinking dropping Primal and run GLM instead
Things are not going well, in general.
My productivity at the lessons has dropped, like I was looking at to the book of the girl I liked and she’s already studied the next lesson(today’s) and I even couldn’t study the last things we learnt. And teacher of the lesson ask questions about previous lessons as if we are primary school kids.
And what I’m doing? Mostly I’m at the school but I can’t study.
Company <33
There are girls out there rn who daydream of having a cute bf to be with and make cute memories with. Don’t overthink it man. You’re a catch and so many girls wish someone would pick them. Maybe some even see you in classes and wish you could be the one. You never know. Just don’t go into it feeling like you have to give a lot to the other person. Sometimes just being present - understanding and being curious about the other person and supporting them and sharing a fun journey together is the best gift you could ever give to anyone.
I say this because overtly high expectations on what you feel like you are obligated to give to someone else tends to ruin things. It breeds desperation and desperation tends to kill everything from a guys stance. Avoid desperation and you’ll be better off than if you didn’t.
Im tired, I don’t let my self to relax ever like if it’s something forbidden or shameful.
in general I feel I make life harder for me, harder than it has to be. I have lots of limiting beliefs, I believe.
Like deep down I think life should be something suffering, otherwise you’re not a serious people.
Religions, praise this. It runs deeper. Also in Türkiye people do this also they praise agony, suffering.
I want to run WDB actually though I’m not sure physical shifting aspect of it. But running Regeneration might be more beneficial.
What would be best outcome of WDB? I would have a loving relationship, maybe I would get this girl who I talked about before. Which is good.
But Regeneration could be much more beneficial for me than I thought.
I would buy both, but I’m on tight budget.