Furkan - New Chapter

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Actually I wasn’t going to write on the forum, I didn’t have the motivation, didn’t want write. But I’m in another phase in my life, I’ve started to university and this week was first week of the school, it was tiring.

it was some kinda hard but not that hard. More like time to time I felt depressed and lonely. Though I met one of my friend from elementary school bad thing is he is in final year of law so he is busy and we are in different majors. But it was good.

But I can differentiate whether this depressive feelings from recons? Or because I’m new or both.

Also when I was at home I was almost daily doing pmo I was horny, but here it’s been a week and I didn’t do anything, and I’m not wanting too, the only concern I have maybe it can lead to night ejaculations while I sleep, and I don’t want this, and also i remember, normally if I don’t ejaculate for like 2 weeks etc I was feeling depressed too (flatline) so really I can’t say why I feel and felt like this right now I’m in bed and feel okay slightly.

When I felt bed I was going to library and writing, introspection.

Also there are lot of unknowns, I’m in a big city right now, Istanbul. And I don’t know what will be my academic situation, will I do good or will I have tragedies as I had in high school. At the beginnings of high school I was hard-working but after Pandemic it went very bad. Right now I want to give some importance to my lessons but sometimes I fear I will have same thing too, and high school I was burnt out.

I’m also in a dorm with 2-3 people too it was different for me too right the people are good but I don’t know them too.

Also I couldn’t bring all of my clothes to İstanbul this is problem too, I did some shopping here too but I might need again, and I don’t like this.

Maybe the positive things Ive done here so far, I’ve visited museums and this was tiring too.

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#2

Also right now I’m running GLM - Wanted - Paragon.

Normally I was using KB instead of Paragon but I’ve little flu.

I was expecting to wanted make me more sexual horny but it was opposite, towards to girl I almost feel nothing and I’m in university there are lots of girls, which some of them wear very short skirts even the weather is cold but they don’t interest me I don’t even look most of the time, I look away, the only thing I don’t understand, How can they wear such things in this cold? Do they have super immune system compared to rest of? Or the attention or feelings when they wear such things more important to their health? Though we saw opportunity cost this week this situation bit similar to this.

But I think it’s not just health. Yesterday I got off the tram, I was on my way to school, a girl was walking in front of me, then she started running, it was windy, her skirt lifted up and her buttocks were seen.
The thing that understand, don’t this people can’t think this or predict or don’t they know? And also I felt nothing but I think people should have at least some self worth, and I saw similar outfit at museum, and thought same things. it’s autumn. Cold, atleaar for me.

interesting thing, at my hometown I was more judgemental, maybe because town was small and it was more odd maybe because of my internal state Maybe both, but if dont count the yesterday I was opposite here(university) maybe because of wanted, I was more non’chalant, and this is the thing I also want.

I’ve not much interest towards to girls right now I don’t feel impulsed to. And I don’t know why but I seemed to most of the girls look alike. But if had to choose a girl around them I wouldn’t prefer a girl who wears like that.

#3

Also when I felt depressed and when I was writing I was just wanting to hug a girl - beautiful ofc- not sex etc, it’s come and go.

Also there are lots of things to do, I need study a little but here time passes quickly. I need to look some online lessons I missed. And need to study math, though I study business, I need to study some. derivative and integral because I don’t know this topics, also need to study English

#4

I’ve shot photos at the museum but I can’t upload right now. It creates problem when use phone for forum

#5

Do you consider this experience a recon episode?

How did it get resolved?

#6
#7

for depressive feelings i cannot say its just recon from subs, probably its combination of lots of things,
but if you mean hugging a someone, maybe, it was because i felt vulnerable.

and if we come to:

i was just writing and i felt better.

but depressive feelings were not for just one day, still i feel

#8

im free rn and i dont wanna do so much things, i dont want to do anything, but i should do something maybe ill study some maths

#9

Thank you.

Is there any theme to those depressive feelings, or are they just empty?

Perhaps answering this question could help you deal with them.

#10

as i said there are lots of things but right now i don want to think too much about this because if i could i will study a bit, right now im not bad as before

#11

I understand. Thank you.

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#12

I saw 2 nightmares last night, it was intense both of them, first one was very strange. Iwas playing subliminal audio and on the phone screen it said playing subliminal audio may be dangerous, and at that moment I was paralyzed something was Holding and it was like my body was trying to change, I screamed I’ve thought I woke up but I was in another dream,

And the second was shorter but it was intense too in my dream there was intense earthquake it was bad

#13

But I feel better today I’ve bought something I need and found a place to work out, I didn’t work out yet the place is small but I can do something but they do new gym until then I can get by with it

#14

i feel depressed ive returned to dorm eraly today, morning was not bad but later i felt empty, im just lying in my bed with laptop maybe i could watch something some documentary or madmen, still there are things which are uncertain and i dont like it.

if we talk about the day, i was getting looks again, i think when i wear leather jackets i get attention also i was wearing my ray ban aviator sunglasses its an old one maybe for 30ish years. (in campus) but like i dont care most of the time i dont even look to them i just notice.

but in class there is a girl who gets my attention and i was dreaming thinking about her time to time but i know this is a dangerous because I had experienced a similar situation in high school, i got oneitis it was bad. and i dont know this girl too.

the thing is not just this. lets say i got a girlfriend, what am i gonna do? i m staying at dorm with 2-3 people, so i cannot bring her to where i stay, so logistic is problem, i dont have money too my family supports me, and it is my first year so its not likely to find internship, the only revenue i can find is scholarships but i havent applied to any of them.

There are lots of things to solve, but I’d better not be obsessed with this girl. Actually I forced myself to do this. And I did pmo, it would be better if don’t this frequently, and also yesterday I worked out after a long time though the place I worked out was not good I can’t even say it is a gym

#15

The day started with unlucks but I’m still managing, nevertheless fuck it

#16

I’m a Idealist idiot

#17
#18
#19

Why life feels so shitty and hard. And I don’t think this is just recon, I’ve never been a optimistic guy towards to life, than god Ihave no major catastrophic illness etc but I don’t fucking like the life. If the reincarnation is real what was the guy thinking when he throws me to this fucking life, what did you expect bro. What the fuck was going through your mind?

There are lots of things in my mind, million different things.

#20