I envy people who has good relationship with god, lol. Because i have not one. I don’t think there’s a certain god, billions different god for billions different god, I think this is more related your relationship with yourself
Fuck sex, fuxk girls, fuck urges, fuck just everything,
I will take 3-4 days rest I will run Ascension instead of wanted, probably my stack will be paragon, Ascension and GLM or maybe I could run KB instead of Paragon it depends on my health situation. But I can rotate Ascension regularly with wanted or glm
It’s just the second week of the university but I’m thinking to go Erasmus at my second year if it’s possible, for this I need good GPA and English. Erasmus on CV would look good with this maybe I can find more internship and with more internship better Jobs maybe. So that’s my plan.
But this plan I think, is putting me off the idea of getting a girlfriend. Let’s say I have a girlfriend but I’m going to Erasmus for 6 months etc we will be separate, probably this would create a lot of conflicts and longings…
I will continue tomorrow I need to sleep…
I feel so fucking bad
School is boring and feels empty
I need affection but I cannot make this my primary need, purpose I’m student and have no financial freedom, but I want affection but I cannot. It sucks
I’m dropping wanted I’m taking rest, but would this reduce amount of looks I’m getting by women. I feel handsome since when I arrived to university but also it could be because I’m giving more attention how I dress but still I need to buy new clothes but in summer I should go to my house and luggage (airplane) will be problem if I go like this I should solve this too.
But if I get to main topic even if it reduce the looks iois etc, does it really matter, if I don’t enjoy the life, if I’m depressive…
when women look to me, most of the time, I don’t really care I don’t even enjoy it.
I need some positivity, hope and purpose.
And also there is a girl issue, but I need to sleep,
I will continue tomorrow, maybe.
Im tired and confused. It’s devestating.
Also I need to go shopping mall and need to buy some clothes but I don’t want it I don’t know here but I should go.
And about the girl I didn’t feel too much today. And I want this, I want immunity otherwise it can lead to oneitis quickly.
About getting looks etc, despite im moody again I’m getting looks, and also females from that have men with them. It feels odd, to be honest but in this moment I don’t care too much, it’s just looking, but not nice nevertheless. I feel stylish btw today.
The only positive thing today is; weather is nice and I’m listening some good musics. I think music is more important than Ive thought.
When I was listening; Radiohead - Creep, Pearl jam - Black and Jeff Buckley (rest in peace brother) - Forget her, I was feeling very bad I think these are oneitis songs, very moody love songs, hopeless.
Right now I’m listening light songs for my psyche.
Self awareness is important but when it comes to love and attraction it becomes complicated.
But as I said I want immunity against things like oneitis etc. It’s shitty and makes you stupid you should learn and know how to not be needy. It’s neediness again.
It’s stupid because when I arrived the university and within 1-2 days I thought I should go to erasmus because in business there is a lot of cometetion and I have to distinguish my self from the others. I’m at good university it’s the oldest university in where I live, I think it’s better than I expected, but I have to do something to get ahead. Erasmus and good English would be great for this, I don’t have speaking experience so going to erasmus could be beneficial for me. But as I said oneitis thing come to place at this point…
It’s because I’m sensitive young man and sometimes stupid, I thought how I’m gonna go to erasmus if I love this girl. And how I’m going to go if we will be in relationship. It’s my imagination but it creates some feelings. So if I’m going to be in this situation I will be stucked, the most optimal situation would be that we met eachother and we have amazing chemistry and relationship and we are going to same place with Erasmus. But it sounds little stupid and too fantastic.
First how I’m gonna be in relationship with her I don’t have my own money or I don’t have a house, a flat I’m at dorm and it’s basically impossible to do this (maybe it’s different in eu or usa but here it is impossible) so what I’m gonna do if we’re in relationship just holding hands like primary school kids. So this is problem, and the other problem is I don’t know her basically. Don’t know her character yes she is beautiful only girl who gets my attention in class and in school so far, but I don’t know her, maybe she has red flags or has things I don’t like…
I haven’t had any sexual relationship before no kiss no touch and I have more idealistic approach to love etc (actually I have this approach towards life in general unfortunately, I think this where my most sufferings come from) and I would want a girl also like me who has no sexual relationship kiss etc. But I don’t this is realistic because if she is beautiful she will get lots of attention ofc I don’t say it’s impossible but I’m not sure whether realistic or not. But in the end this is what I want also it makes harder to dating.
Because I can’t know if she had a sexual relationship or not ie virgin or not. And let’s say she is not what I’m gonna do just leave for this? This would be heart breaking if she loves me too, but also this situation would be in my head that she had sexual activity before me. Also I wouldn’t want a girl if she sent her nudes to anybody even if she’s virgin I think this is massive red flag, her naked photos in another’s man phone and he can send to different people or can upload to internet. But of course I can’t know truly this things before I really know and even if I know her I can’t be %100 sure that’s life.
Yeah all of these things makes harder dating for me, and yeah I know some part of it imaginary worries.
And I realized this yesterday, behind a lot of action and thought there is fear, what if it happens like this etc. And I think because of this I’m that moody and depressive this days.
Also there are things that im not sure about it still. I couldn’t get the answers I want I get different answers, about my lessons and it makes me little nervous because I want good GPA. I wanna be in top students if it’s possible I want to be 1st. But for this I shouldn’t make mistakes about basic things. For example still I don’t know if attendance arbitrary for the online classes and when I asked I got different responses
But when you look the things come to: sex and money
I should erase this my idealistic view on love, because when it’s not there and usually not there, it puts me in sorrow and creates expectations in my head. When this expectations don’t meet the real world, it breaks you hurt you. I should be more light. I was against casual sex but maybe I shouldn’t be
Love… I think it’s really a tale. Everytime you want it it’s not there, maybe it comes to men who don’t chase who don’t care love. She laughs to men who chase it and fall in love with who don’t care. I shouldn’t seek a serious relationship
I think same thing applies to women too, if they loved the men who are into serious relationship with them or the men open with their feelings from the start more than the who don’t care serious relationship etc, the world be more easy and peaceful place.
It’s paradox, the ones who don’t care or don’t want gets the most
What is benefit for me, to think about dream about the girl who even I don’t know? Why should I care? Or why should I be “good man”.
What is the definition of good man?
Do we have exact, certain definition?
who has the real answer? Do we have one?
The game is rigged
I went to shopping, bought a new coat and sweater. Shopping mall was big it took my 3-4hours but I’m satisfied. I got compliments from employees one of them said you are so handsome , in sincere way etc, and I got looks.from others . I feel myself more handsome but I will switch wanted to Ascension, maybe with this I can get less recon, and maybe rather than forcing a subliminal rotating subliminals could be more beneficial
And also after my long posts I saw the girl in library I was working too but I wondered what she was working on. Still I’m not detached, and I’m not neutral indifferent towards her I think I need more introspection, but I also I have lots of things to do tomorrow
Unproductive day and bad weather but still I managed to study little
Fuck people