I’m not free. I feel I’m shackled, I don’t enjoy life I’m not smiling, I’m cold maybe boring.
I have things to do but I don’t want to do
Do I want to die? Sometimes I say that I just wanna disappear, vanish. If I have chance to this and let’s say there will be no pain whatsoever, would I choose this?
Probably no. Even if I don’t enjoy life I don’t want to accept the defeat. Then I would be loser, coward.
And it brings to struggle. But I’m fed up with this, I just want peace and rest, but in this situation I can’t rest. I couldn’t find my mission yet. There’s no thing that excites me.
I want everything to end but at the same time I don’t want that either. I’m tired of dilemmas
I need to find what I really want and make it clear, how can I know that whether the thing I want is the best for me or is it the what I really need
Let’s say I want a gf and let’s say I had her but what can I provide her
I love myself but I think not that much do I really respect myself? Do I trust myself? Most of time I can’t even really stand myself then how can I person do this for me? Beside myself.
I feel burdens of past still on me. Years of failures, the wasted years. I’m 22 but its first year of university for me. my parents sent me to school one year later when I was kid, so I have one year lost from there and I didn’t go to college for like 3years.
There were things that I wanted to write but idk, there are lots of things: money, women, betraying to my potential…
And I got cold, I’m sick now. But how did I get sick I don’t fucking now
When I first began to gym I was not getting flu easily but I don’t know what’s happening for last years it’s the second flu in last 2-3 months.
But also when I first began to lifting weights I was going to gym for at least 3times in a week sometimes 5x or 6x
Now if I go for 2times a week I’m lucky, frequency went down for 2 reasons I think, first I’m more busy and I can’t recover quickly. If I do work out session at least I need 2days rest, maybe because of intensity, but I don’t see any improvements for a long time, and I’m sick now but if I find a some energy I will do my training when I arrived the dorm.
Normally I would say God give me some strength but now I say fck you
Chaos, fear, anxiety, worry, hopelessness. Yes these are ruling world now I aware but in Türkiye it’s much more worse. World maybe in this situation for a few last years but this is the default state in Türkiye since Erdoğan is the president (maybe except his first years).
From the hun empire, like for 2000 years history, I can’t find anyone who has damaged the Turks so much; famines, droughts, massacres, invasions, crusades would be nothing compared to what Erdogan did to country and still he continues.
His last times, he knows that in the first elections he will fall. And that’s why he does everything for his throne.if Machiavelli saw his politics he would kneel in front of Erdogan.
I would need months to write his damages to country. And now he is becoming more irrational, we are really living in a distopia. And we are very chaotic country what happens in here in a one day maybe doesn’t happen in Europe for a whole year, or don’t happen at all, I have no hope for future but also it amazes me little how we still stand, we are in a circle of fire. Iraq, Syria, Palestine, Iran all of them in big trouble and Israel dont want Any nation state.
And now they trying to this in my country by politicians like Erdogan, first they used k"rdish terrorist and when they failed so many times they trying to do with politicians while majority of people against this. And that’s two birds with one stone. if they succeed it Erdogan will be still in power and also Israel will get what they want. And this is greater middle East project, and before many years Erdogan was saying I’m co president of this project, a Z"onist project. And for years, he has been deceiving his own voters by acting as if he is against Israel. He is puppet.
But i don’t think this it was easy here it is not Syria or Irak nor İran. They trying but But it never even crossed my mind that they would achieve this. What pisses me off is that they’re trying to do this, and they change their politics 180degree to do this. Like a joke.
In 1923 Atatürk build this Republic despite of many impossibilities conditions of sevr treatment was worse than versailles, but he beated the imperialist, he ended the monarchy and bring the democracy, he made the country secular, ended the caliphate, gave the women vote right before many western countries, he tried to build a new modern nations from the ashes of ottoman, he was a true revolutionary. But now this what we got a pan Islamist rule the country for 23 years.
In ottoman, people were ignorant, uneducated, after he founded republic also he make revolution at education too. Changed the alphabet, opened new schools, taught people read and write, then village instituties were opened, it was very important for the development of the country but they are closed by conservative, redneck idiots, and I think this is the main reason why we have a president like erdogan. When the people ignorant, uneducated and stupid and has no selfworth then people like erdogan come to the places. Because masses are idiot and there is democracy.
The post was long there might be mistake I can’t check it now
About money and mission…
Yeah I don’t have a mission, I feel I’m betraying to my potential. I don’t feel satisfied intellectually, mentally.
Is it easy to find. I cant books regularly for a long time when I first began to high school I was finding energy to do things I was reading books trying to learn instrument, hunger to learn new things…
But now I feel, I have no energy, I want but I have no energy. I’m just wanting. I feel empty deep inside.
And I have no money beside scholarships, there are lots limiting beliefs around this for me. And also there is collective beliefs. Gaining money and moving to a house it seems to me almost impossible now, rents are very high in Istanbul. Like if I want to live in a proper area estimately I should pay 2times wage salary min. Also there is a earthquake situation, there’s a possibility of that and even I’m paying so much I cannot be sure it is earthquake resistant, at last earthquake even new lux buildings were collapsed in Hatay so I cannot trust the documents which show resistant to earthquake.
And if I want move new apartment I need to buy new things like refrigerator, television, furnitures… I need to learn how to cook. etc, there will be hardship.
In the dorm you don’t have to deal with this things but you stay with 3 people(4 with me) , staying with this much people and using public transportation, it really exhaust me.
I don’t feel myself powerful. I’m thinking making money, right now is hard. I should change that yes this is mu first year I don’t know anything I have no skills but I should do something, I don’t know what but gotta do something.
If I don’t have money, mission what I’m gonna do with women? Would I really want a companion when I’m in this situation, When I don’t feel I’m on the road on my mission?
I would feel myself like crook, imposter. I think this is one of the reason I will not have gf easily. Other people can get a gf, partner even when they are broke etc but I’m not one of them.
I’m well aware that life is consisted with black or Whites, 0 or 1, though I’m more tend to see life in this way, but when it comes to I feel it’s always all or nothing. Like as I mentioned maybe some guy can get a gf even he is broke or say he is not broke but also not doing good, but I cannot do this I feel it against to my own constitution and I can’t make much more for this. Like it’s not in my hands.
You need to go all the way, you have to do all of the work, if you’re being lazy ass and not doing some exceptional work you get nothing
i really feel bad for a few days, like I don’t want to live. Don’t wanna do anything
i couldn’t study as the way wanted today but I still have time but yesterday was better also I had to mention studying economics is fking boring.
Yes in here life is hard, it is not easy to be a student here but from what hear work life is not easier either.
I should consider going to europe if I have chance.
I’m not thinking staying there forever of course, probably I would come back after for a few years when things settled and become more normal
i think I need a social environment where I meet people constantly, most of the time I’m alone wolf and actually I’m get used to this situation for a long time.
Today in the classroom there was a girl sitting behind me actually she is the girl I was saying that I kinda developed oneitis feelings toward her. We were chatting about lessons, exams also with other people too, and I felt good when I spoke with her. And I was more open.
About my lessons, in school I wasted too much time today the ROI is low unfortunately, I need to be more productive. Im wasting my time trying to get started with study. And I get distracted too. it happens mostly when I’m studying economics and also for other lessons there are some uncertains, I should be more careful about my time and energy