A big thing that I learned through therapy is that we have been trying to force our ADHD brain to mold to neurotypical society standards, thus we are professionals at masking and faking feelings and actions.
I unconsciously have the ability to get along with many types of people despite not having tons in common because I am so good at molding myself to the environment that I unconsciously do it. This has caused me to never learn of who I am.
It confuses me when people say just be you or love yourself. I get it on a logical level but I cannot internalize it. Until I started digging and tear down the impenatrable fortress I have built surrounding it.
Hyperfocus is a big one, once I learned this is a trait of adhd people, I began using it to my advantage and stop fighting it. I used to be so passed at myself for not sticking with something. I have so many types of hobbies and friends that they do not connect easily. Instead of pushing against it I am working on embracing it.
Wow I felt such a huge release after writing that.
Took a leap out of my comfort zone and met someone that my wife loosely knew who is an entrepreneur out for a drink and had a great time, he is going to introduce me to someone on Sunday that is doing mixology with coffee. The thing was, is I wasnât really that nervous at all despite leaping out of my comfort zone.
I could not focus for the life of me today. I am seriously thinking of seeing someone for adhd medication because I am exhausted from struggling so hard to just to focus on simple things.
I think on the subfront for focus and ambition, I am going to us LEU instead of Executive as my booster.
Pretty early in the morning but I had a huge outburst of revelations.
Day 50/180
After my very low moment last night with my brain going insane, I am starting to feel a bit more calm. I had very clesr WTF dreams that I canât remember. I just remember the feeling of âthis is madnessâ
I am starting to feel an inner strength poke through my wall of weakness and fear.
My sister in lawâs boyfriend constantly says when we play board games, you just gotta want it enough to make the luck happen. I have to say manifesting a ps5 really easily when I decided I want it enough, changed my perspective on my business.
I have to want it enough. It has to be in my soul and being like it was for getting the ps5. I never doubted I would get one, I set up an alert system and executed when the opportunity presented itself. In reality this was like a tutorial of how I need to look at my business. Like below.
I have to embrace that I will have the business, I gotta want it enough, it needs to be in my while being and soul, like an energy transformation.
What I did subconsciously with the ps5 is kind of insane when I reverse engineer it. I was hyperfocusing trying to frantically find a game for my ps5 before one became available, like I actually had anxiety about that.
Hereâs why that is so huge. I had already accepted that a ps5 was on its way (subconsciously), I never even questioned it, I had already in my possession energetically.
Now becomes the hard part, how the fuck do I take this incredible learning opportunity and use it to manifest a sustainable lifestyle business. Obviously I had zero blocks mentally despite everyone and their mother wanting a ps5 whereas I have castle after castle after armed military fortress mind blocks between me and the business. I have been eroding them with water of sheer determination, but I need to learn how to dig under them and collapse the wall allowing the flood of my soldiers to capture the fortress.
That was a fun explanation of the fight in my mind.
Build a system: lay the foundation of how to get what I want. Keep casually at it. Itâs in the back of the mind always running, but not too obsessive, itâs a tightrope to walk. Itâs important to have a detachment like a master jedi.
When the opportunity presents itself. Be relentless, take no prisoners, have the mindset of I will beat the robots against me and take decisive action. I will win at all costs.
I really want to switch to Emperor, the personal power from AM is a little intoxicating. I feel something that I canât quite describe since I canât remember ever feeling it. Like an odd confidence. The desire to switch is obviously RECONCILIATION. Follow the process you wool head (WOT reference)
Remember the intoxifying power of Saidin, young one.
The sweet, rotten, addicting, murderous, enchanting smell that spirals within your nostrils when you hold that power within you.
Compare Saidin to Saidar, the feminine aspect of the One Power.
With Saidar, you can live forever. When you let go, accept, surrender and let it come through you, you have control over all things.
Saidin cannot be surrendered to. Every man who has ever surrendered to Saidin has died instantaneously. It must be forced, fought, you must destroy it before it destroys you. The moment you stop fighting, you die. That is the definition of unsustainability.
What is your relationship to your adhd? Are you channeling saidin, or are you channel saidar?
You said that your therapist reminded you that you canât force yourself to behave a certain way. She is recommending the path of saidar.
Have you considered taking a washout? After a while of AM my adhd started to get worse, and then I did a washout and it got a lot better as my brain finally processed everything and went into âaction/executionâ mode.
It looks like ADHD has been a really bad problem for you lately, a little more than at the start of your journal, and I do wonder if that might be because your brain is already so overloaded from all the subliminal processing that youâve filled it with that it doesnât have left over RAM to specifically operate executive functioning like stabilized attention and prioritization.
Another way to follow the path of Saidar would be to accept that social media and ADHD are naturally going to conflict with each other. Your JOB in your business is to engage and consume social media content that inspires you. But how much different is that from the ADHD tendency to engage and consume social media content that entertains you?
My recommendation isnât to change your business model, but I would recommend that you focus on reducing your digital footprint as much as possible. Consume less social media to start to wire new programming into your brain. And if possible, take your work offline. Bring a pen and paper to the library (or cafe, or park bench), and just write. Write out your plans.
Itâll be REALLY hard because youâll feel the brunt force of your adhdâs negative symptoms, and wonât have an online influence to distract yourself from that pain. However, youâll start rewiring your brain to be able to come back from distraction, return to the task at hand once youâre ready, and start working again.
You can also do a âdopamine detoxâ which you can YouTube. That will DEFINITELY change your life. Recommended time is 30-72 hours without any dopamine sources.
Wishing you luck, brother!
PS: This is definitely reconciliation. However, if you were to switch to anything, you might want to consider listening to LEU like a major program. 2x a day, 3x a week. Maybe you could add that onto your stack instead of using it as a booster.
PPS: Iâm writing this as a way to procrastinate my work. Take NOTHING that I say as judgement. Iâm just a fellow struggler looking for the cure too <3
I have done âdopamine detoxesâ when I have gone backpacking in the past. It does not help. I think those detoxes are good for people whoâs brain naturally produces dopamine. ADHD brain is always on E in the gas tank on dopamine. Which is why usual advice on dopamine=bad and serotonin=good. With ADHD the world is upside down in a sense. Common advice that works on others does not work because our brains are made differently more so than normal.
My journal noticed ADHD all of a sudden because I began therapy examining it. My therapist explained once you start looking, it will flare up. Which it did. Before looking at it, I was just contestantly confused and frustrated, that did not go into my journals because I was not aware of what was causing me so much frustration and pain. I am trusting the process.
To be honest, I love the references to the wheel of time, I view the world as The Force. The Force is energy. The force is all around me and is my ally. Sometimes itâs good to manipulate it, sometimes itâs good to surrender to it. Even though the Jedi are flawed, the idea of the force really resonates deep in my being. Itâs the whole reason why as a kid I began meditating even though I did not know what it was. You have to balance light and dark. Ying and yang. Saidin and Saidar.
This is not a dopamine detox. Youâre backpacking, hiking, exploring new terrains. Engaging in goal oriented activity. LOTS of dopamine is being produced externally. A dopamine detox doesnât mean you just stop technology. You gotta watch a youtube video on it.
ADHD is really actually an addiction to intense amounts of dopamine. Thatâs what novelty is. Novelty is a never ending source of dopamine. And yes, your brain isnât producing enough dopamine, so by reducing the amount of dopamine you input to your brain you sensitize yourself to the lower levels of dopamine that youâre actually creating. When you have ENOUGH dopamine, things are normal.
As my therapist told me, having adhd means having chronically low dopamine, which is actually a stressful experience, so weâre always looking for external sources of dopamine. But a dopamine detox can sensitize you to be able to feel the dopamine within you.
But itâs not backpacking/hiking/having a goal oriented activity. Itâs literally locking yourself in your room for a full day or
I have real adhd and a real dopamine detox was really helpful.
I feel very blocked when it comes to business success. Itâs like this big obstacle that is standing in my way and I just canât seem to fucking figure it out. I keep to the process of taking action and trying different things out to see what works since thatâs my only guide post. Thereâs something mental there that just canât seem to get through.
I am listening to AM every other day and Limit Destroyer Ultima everyday as a booster. I am starting the limit Destroyer this week. I have been running Executive for most of the experiment.
Day 53/180
I had two very distinct dreams one was me meeting two of my favorite YouTubers Daniel Greene and Merphy Napier and we like mapped out my path to success although I donât remember what the path was, but it included writing a novel???
The other dream was me standing up to my mother when she treated me like shit in the dream. It was hard and I felt like an asshole.
I have been battling some serious self doubt that keeps haunting me. I need to find a way to surrender to the self doubt but not give in to it.
Pretty lazy night tonight. I played a Greek god game which gave me some inspiration for my business and I was just having a relaxing good time with it. I have some guilt for pretty much only doing that. I am working on being okay with myself just as I am. I am working to surrender to the unseen force that is in my life. I can feel it, but thatâs about it.
I also finished book 6 on Wheel of Time. Slow start, but solid ending. Enjoying the prologue of book 7.
I am pretty sure that I am at my normal energy levels. I have been sleeping pretty hard the last two nights at around 7 to 8 hours.
I have a lot of anger from work that might be inflating the energy. My frustration with work and business is starting to become more clear. A lot of self doubt and helplessness is contributing to that.
It probably is some reconciliation. I keep having dreams of standing up for myself.
I have been listening exactly as the new listening pattern suggests so I am not sure how I could be listening to too much Ultima when the guidelines suggest it. Plus on the weekends I usually donât listen to subs. Sometimes I do, but thatâs once or twice a month.
