Beautiful answer my friend! I hope that they serve you well 
I’ve had some sessions in therapy that’ve left me so raw but so open and whole, afterwards, too. Glad you’re improving your life from multiple angles!
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Day 41/180
I am processing quite a bit of trauma that rose to the surface from my therapy session. Made work a little more difficult. Throughout the day intense emotions rose to the surface in a form a pain and suffering.
Got a little bit done around the house, created and scheduled some social media content, and did a lot of emotional releasing.
I feel like a rag with all of the water twisted out emotionally. It’s been a challenging week.
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Day 42/180
The emotional pain in my chest is beginning to dull a bit and I feel some of my insecurities washing away. Still a long way to go but seeing some acute results. I’m starting to get to know me for the first time, but my inner barrier is really sealed off good, so its taking some serious effort to uncover the golden light within.
Scheduled another social media post, began planning some of November content.
This healing came out of nowhere on this inner child thing. I hope this type of healing ends soon. It feels like I’m battling a sickness.
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Day 45/180
Day 2 of the weekend off subs. I battle really hard to do what is best for me. Is it good to relax and play video games and slowly progress on my business or burn myself out trying to get the thing off the ground. I am so tired mentally from dealing with my dayjob that I need some rest.
I battle between hating myself for this or being nice to myself. I have some serious issues I am uncovering from childhood that really affect me to this day but I don’t want to play victim, that gets you nowhere.
I do notice that almost every day I seem to take unconscious action. What I mean is if I think about a thing I generally won’t take action on it, but will take action on something else that is beneficial. It’s kind of wierd and slightly annoying. However it is a good thing that action is starting to come easier.
Feeling just off. However I noticed I am a quarter of a way through this experiment so that’s awesome! I made it 45 days without switching even though ooooh I wanted to some days.
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This is a false dichotomy.
Should I procrastinate or burnout?.. both are a negative option.
Isn’t there a third option that’ll let you focus on your business and succeed at it without burning out?
My system is a lifestyle of deep work and deep rest.
I prioritize working HARD 9-12 hours a day, then dedicating all the rest of my time to board games, reading, sleeping early, spending time with my gf, eating healthy, etc.
Video games aren’t deep work, and they’re not deep rest, so they don’t make it into my day. If you’re tired from work, get some deep rest in so that you can get back to work asap.
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Yet…
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@Simon i still don’t agree.
- different person,
- different context.
First of all, video games in my experience wire me for distraction due to my adhd. I start my day by working because that programs my brain to be productive and focused all day.
Video games are the opposite of focused thought programming, they’re divergent and reactive thought programming.
That’s perfect to have creative conversations where accountability and structure are built in by a two person conversation and a routine that is already instantiated and adhered to easily, but it would be terrible for someone who has to switch from fun video games to boring focused work that they’re not already in the habit of doing.
They’re programming their brains to be more creative, and then talk for 11 hours. Talking is a fun, high dopamine activity, just like video games. It’s a natural pairing. Video games and focused solitary work are not a pairing.
Also, in terms of different person, it seems like what @Pyro is struggling with is ADHD. So the challenges is different than what others might face.
Just my thoughts but I’m not against video games! Just gotta use them in context. For me I know they’re not programming me in a beneficial way, but for some ppl they might.
Key takeaway: video games used avoidantly are never good.
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Day 47/180
I dove back into book 6 of Wheel of Time series. This and the Witcher series show me how awesome my business could be if I accomplish my goal of that feeling of awe and wonder in fantasy enter in our reality.
After work did chores, went to therapy, worked on the business. Business part was fun. Not much else to say.
Oh I managed to grab a PS5. Very happy about that.
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Day 48/180
A big thing that I learned through therapy is that we have been trying to force our ADHD brain to mold to neurotypical society standards, thus we are professionals at masking and faking feelings and actions.
I unconsciously have the ability to get along with many types of people despite not having tons in common because I am so good at molding myself to the environment that I unconsciously do it. This has caused me to never learn of who I am.
It confuses me when people say just be you or love yourself. I get it on a logical level but I cannot internalize it. Until I started digging and tear down the impenatrable fortress I have built surrounding it.
Hyperfocus is a big one, once I learned this is a trait of adhd people, I began using it to my advantage and stop fighting it. I used to be so passed at myself for not sticking with something. I have so many types of hobbies and friends that they do not connect easily. Instead of pushing against it I am working on embracing it.
Wow I felt such a huge release after writing that.
Took a leap out of my comfort zone and met someone that my wife loosely knew who is an entrepreneur out for a drink and had a great time, he is going to introduce me to someone on Sunday that is doing mixology with coffee. The thing was, is I wasn’t really that nervous at all despite leaping out of my comfort zone.
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LOVE this series. Nothing to do with your subs.
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Day 49/180
I could not focus for the life of me today. I am seriously thinking of seeing someone for adhd medication because I am exhausted from struggling so hard to just to focus on simple things.
I think on the subfront for focus and ambition, I am going to us LEU instead of Executive as my booster.
you prob mentioned what is your listening schedule?
And I felt that release just from reading it, thanks for sharing this 
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I listen to AM every other day and then a booster everyday per the new guidelines.
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Pretty early in the morning but I had a huge outburst of revelations.
Day 50/180
After my very low moment last night with my brain going insane, I am starting to feel a bit more calm. I had very clesr WTF dreams that I can’t remember. I just remember the feeling of “this is madness”
I am starting to feel an inner strength poke through my wall of weakness and fear.
My sister in law’s boyfriend constantly says when we play board games, you just gotta want it enough to make the luck happen. I have to say manifesting a ps5 really easily when I decided I want it enough, changed my perspective on my business.
I have to want it enough. It has to be in my soul and being like it was for getting the ps5. I never doubted I would get one, I set up an alert system and executed when the opportunity presented itself. In reality this was like a tutorial of how I need to look at my business. Like below.
- I have to embrace that I will have the business, I gotta want it enough, it needs to be in my while being and soul, like an energy transformation.
What I did subconsciously with the ps5 is kind of insane when I reverse engineer it. I was hyperfocusing trying to frantically find a game for my ps5 before one became available, like I actually had anxiety about that.
Here’s why that is so huge. I had already accepted that a ps5 was on its way (subconsciously), I never even questioned it, I had already in my possession energetically.
Now becomes the hard part, how the fuck do I take this incredible learning opportunity and use it to manifest a sustainable lifestyle business. Obviously I had zero blocks mentally despite everyone and their mother wanting a ps5 whereas I have castle after castle after armed military fortress mind blocks between me and the business. I have been eroding them with water of sheer determination, but I need to learn how to dig under them and collapse the wall allowing the flood of my soldiers to capture the fortress.
That was a fun explanation of the fight in my mind.
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Build a system: lay the foundation of how to get what I want. Keep casually at it. It’s in the back of the mind always running, but not too obsessive, it’s a tightrope to walk. It’s important to have a detachment like a master jedi.
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When the opportunity presents itself. Be relentless, take no prisoners, have the mindset of I will beat the robots against me and take decisive action. I will win at all costs.
I really want to switch to Emperor, the personal power from AM is a little intoxicating. I feel something that I can’t quite describe since I can’t remember ever feeling it. Like an odd confidence. The desire to switch is obviously RECONCILIATION. Follow the process you wool head (WOT reference)
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Remember the intoxifying power of Saidin, young one.
The sweet, rotten, addicting, murderous, enchanting smell that spirals within your nostrils when you hold that power within you.
Compare Saidin to Saidar, the feminine aspect of the One Power.
With Saidar, you can live forever. When you let go, accept, surrender and let it come through you, you have control over all things.
Saidin cannot be surrendered to. Every man who has ever surrendered to Saidin has died instantaneously. It must be forced, fought, you must destroy it before it destroys you. The moment you stop fighting, you die. That is the definition of unsustainability.
What is your relationship to your adhd? Are you channeling saidin, or are you channel saidar?
You said that your therapist reminded you that you can’t force yourself to behave a certain way. She is recommending the path of saidar.
Have you considered taking a washout? After a while of AM my adhd started to get worse, and then I did a washout and it got a lot better as my brain finally processed everything and went into “action/execution” mode.
It looks like ADHD has been a really bad problem for you lately, a little more than at the start of your journal, and I do wonder if that might be because your brain is already so overloaded from all the subliminal processing that you’ve filled it with that it doesn’t have left over RAM to specifically operate executive functioning like stabilized attention and prioritization.
Another way to follow the path of Saidar would be to accept that social media and ADHD are naturally going to conflict with each other. Your JOB in your business is to engage and consume social media content that inspires you. But how much different is that from the ADHD tendency to engage and consume social media content that entertains you?
My recommendation isn’t to change your business model, but I would recommend that you focus on reducing your digital footprint as much as possible. Consume less social media to start to wire new programming into your brain. And if possible, take your work offline. Bring a pen and paper to the library (or cafe, or park bench), and just write. Write out your plans.
It’ll be REALLY hard because you’ll feel the brunt force of your adhd’s negative symptoms, and won’t have an online influence to distract yourself from that pain. However, you’ll start rewiring your brain to be able to come back from distraction, return to the task at hand once you’re ready, and start working again.
You can also do a “dopamine detox” which you can YouTube. That will DEFINITELY change your life. Recommended time is 30-72 hours without any dopamine sources.
Wishing you luck, brother!
PS: This is definitely reconciliation. However, if you were to switch to anything, you might want to consider listening to LEU like a major program. 2x a day, 3x a week. Maybe you could add that onto your stack instead of using it as a booster.
PPS: I’m writing this as a way to procrastinate my work. Take NOTHING that I say as judgement. I’m just a fellow struggler looking for the cure too <3
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I have done “dopamine detoxes” when I have gone backpacking in the past. It does not help. I think those detoxes are good for people who’s brain naturally produces dopamine. ADHD brain is always on E in the gas tank on dopamine. Which is why usual advice on dopamine=bad and serotonin=good. With ADHD the world is upside down in a sense. Common advice that works on others does not work because our brains are made differently more so than normal.
My journal noticed ADHD all of a sudden because I began therapy examining it. My therapist explained once you start looking, it will flare up. Which it did. Before looking at it, I was just contestantly confused and frustrated, that did not go into my journals because I was not aware of what was causing me so much frustration and pain. I am trusting the process.
To be honest, I love the references to the wheel of time, I view the world as The Force. The Force is energy. The force is all around me and is my ally. Sometimes it’s good to manipulate it, sometimes it’s good to surrender to it. Even though the Jedi are flawed, the idea of the force really resonates deep in my being. It’s the whole reason why as a kid I began meditating even though I did not know what it was. You have to balance light and dark. Ying and yang. Saidin and Saidar.
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This is not a dopamine detox. You’re backpacking, hiking, exploring new terrains. Engaging in goal oriented activity. LOTS of dopamine is being produced externally. A dopamine detox doesn’t mean you just stop technology. You gotta watch a youtube video on it.
ADHD is really actually an addiction to intense amounts of dopamine. That’s what novelty is. Novelty is a never ending source of dopamine. And yes, your brain isn’t producing enough dopamine, so by reducing the amount of dopamine you input to your brain you sensitize yourself to the lower levels of dopamine that you’re actually creating. When you have ENOUGH dopamine, things are normal.
As my therapist told me, having adhd means having chronically low dopamine, which is actually a stressful experience, so we’re always looking for external sources of dopamine. But a dopamine detox can sensitize you to be able to feel the dopamine within you.
But it’s not backpacking/hiking/having a goal oriented activity. It’s literally locking yourself in your room for a full day or
I have real adhd and a real dopamine detox was really helpful.
Day 52/180 rest day
I feel very blocked when it comes to business success. It’s like this big obstacle that is standing in my way and I just can’t seem to fucking figure it out. I keep to the process of taking action and trying different things out to see what works since that’s my only guide post. There’s something mental there that just can’t seem to get through.
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What is your listening schedule for the next 10 days?