Wrote a rap, toggle = story & context behind it
Wrote a rap/song for the last 3 hours, really poured my heart and soul into this one. DR bringing some stuff up out of me.
It’s not a song about my life now, more, it’s a song about what my life could’ve been if I had never started healing years ago, mixed in with some themes from now, mixed in with some themes that maybe never directly happened to me but I’m glad I avoided.
It’s a rap, think of a Logic-Style flow if you know Bobby Tarantino.
There’s also a chorus, intro, and outro which I won’t include but the lyrics mean a lot to me.
When the whole song was done and i rapped it front to back, I started crying, largely because there’s a part where it says “I say mean things, I don’t mean it, I don’t mean it, I don’t mean it, no. please dont go. Please don’t go”
“Don’t go” is a phrase that I am NOT able to say in my life or my romantic relationships. If there’s ever conflict I shield up massively and say the exact opposite, “FINE, PISS OFF AND NEVER COME BACK.”
I did a men’s group weekend where one of the exercises was an eye contact dyad, one man screams at the second, “i’m leaving” and the second man says, “don’t go.” When it was my turn to say “Don’t go!” I broke down crying because there were times in my life where that was absolutely what I was thinking and feeling in my heart, but my mouth said “Fine leave!”
Life’s a feeling
made of magic moments
but in bad moments
feels like hocus pocus
Man I need to focus…
yeah my life is down,
but my heart glows,
and I need to grow this,
Eyes wide,
see I really tried,
and I really cried
when you said I’m soulless,
How could you know that what I want is you?
Hm?
Cuz I didn’t show it
So you didn’t notice
Not your fault, that
my heart’s locked
in a vault
all our contact,
kept it blocked
nothing custom
I kept it stock,
I walked the walk but I didn’t talk,
too much thinking and I stayed up top,
eyes are dry but my hearts an ocean,
smooth lies like I’m made of lotion,
I checked the boxes like I filed motions
Fuck emotions,
cuz i got my way and then your devotion,
Now I Got the girl
now it’s time to blow this,
9/11 on my own homeland,
My past - I say oh damn
Grown fast
gotta slow down
Like an old clown I’m sick of this,
happy face like it’s made of bliss
rusty heart and it’s great for tricks,
but i think it’s broken what’s the fix for this?
and I wanna heal it but the doctor wants it for a millisecond,
which he won’t be getting,
nuh…
won’t be giving, -
that away, -
not again, -
heal me?! -
Hear me -
Call a friend,-
Save me?!"
Not me-
I own the place,-
and this heart-
I can’t give away,-
if I don’t get it back, then I’d fade away,
I’d just face the rain till He saved the day,
Jesus Christ - Lord sending him,
to the better men not the lesser men, like me
cuz he’s high and mighty and we hated him,
cuz he made a world that was made of sin,
cuz he made a world that was made for him,
cuz he made a girl that was different,
cuz he made a man that was missionless,
cuz he made a life that they wouldn’t miss
if it went missing
cuz he made a life that they wouldn’t miss if it went missing
Cuz he made a life that they wouldn’t miss if it went missing.