Finding Myself Again

Journals - Major Programs
#76

Food for thought @skadoosh and maybe I’m trying to get to the finish line by any means necessary, instead of just relaxing into the process and not being so damn harsh on myself. I’ll need to maybe generate a lot more self love than what I’m showing currently.

Having said that - I’ve spun the name embedded LBFH for the first time and it is amazing, I’m not in need of anyone’s approval now, for example I just (harshly and without warning) stopped contacting my ex. It was a codependent relationship and we both still needed each other to fill our cups, which is not healthy.

But independent life is so much better with self love. Self love, what a radical idea eh? Add LBFH with the power modules and bloody hell, can anybody stop me?

Power + Self esteem = a solid steel foundation

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#77

What a fascinating combination :heart_eyes:

LBFH

So much self love being generated by this title, I almost feel embarrassed to accept this level of being love bombed! That takes me to a weird defence mechanism.
Loving myself is such a foreign concept to me. It feels selfish, it feels wrong, it’s conceited, it is disregarding others feelings.
This is the hump I’ll need to get over, gently in order to wholly sit comfortably in my soul. Maybe all of the teachings I learnt in childhood to ignore what I want for the favour of being loved are starting to be challenged.

Synergy Heaven Shaking Power

This is acting rapidly - it’s a raw power that I see in my body language, my actions and look. It is awesome. It’s the type of power that could make other people uncomfortable. And I don’t care now. Just going about my business in the past, others sought to try to dominate me physically, emotionally and (especially in the shit job) verbally. That nonsense stops here.

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#78

You can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself

So if I love myself, who’s coming to love me? If I make it all about myself, will I even have space for another?

The concept of self love makes not sense the more I listen to LBFH, it feels like the biggest safety blanket in the world (how parents and society destroys this natural feeling throughout life is the cruellest trick anyone can suffer). However I can’t get over the metaphysical “science” of loving oneself before anyone else comes in, not that I actually looking for someone right now.

Either way, I’m taking to this self love thing like a duck to water (I might even go back on the ice for the giggles :ice_skate:). It feels natural and impenetrable to anyone who is on a negative vibe.

In fact, self love will get me to reassess what and who I want out of life, involving work, friends and career. I’ve held back from pursuing the things I love out of fear of failing, fear of looking stupid for trying and not being successful. If I aim to double my salary and live alone, it currently feels impossible (and who the fuck am I to do so?). There are tools to get there effortlessly but that’s not the point. Stopping oneself from even trying will guarantee a small life, one where the bare minimum is allowed and acceptable. Self love says why can’t I have more? Am I not worthy of more than the bare minimum? shades of parenting flashbacks

I might write something about growing internal power and saying no to being pestered to work on my days off. Needless to say, I’ve already said no once, the second time will be impolite…

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#79

This is why I envied middle-class women I talked to as a student in my capacity as an educator, they seem to have such supportive parents who raised them mostly correctly (notwithstanding the usual parent-child struggles). Their self esteem was higher than mine, they were kind, patient and had worth - something that seemed to me like such a foreign concept.

I’ve got it now, even in short quick bursts of LBFH, but F*CK ME what an absolute slog and waste of decades trying to get it back.

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#80

LBFH reconciliation thoughts:

  • They never supported me, my interests were stupid
  • They were never proud of me, I had to go beg for their support
  • They felt ashamed of my birth, I was an inconvenience to them
  • They never appreciated my gifts, it got on their nerves
  • They said I wasn’t good enough, I jumped through their hoops
  • They never liked that I exist, I was the unfavoured one
  • They never liked my gender, they plaited my hair
  • They never like to give me too much, I had to settle for less
  • They never liked my expression, they told me to shut up

At age 6, I learned the truth.
I wasn’t wanted, point blank.

Little wonder I went through life with such little self regard. I looked for love outside and got taken advantage of. No point getting blood out of a stone.
I realised that I tried so hard to get my parents to like me, even adjust to them for that precious crumbs of love and it never worked.

This is the LBFH lesson - loving myself when others couldn’t be arsed.

LBFH recon is something else. It has opened my eyes to a lot of subconscious shit. Of course, if I was never taught to love myself, how could anyone else?

Until now.

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#81

I really feel what you’re saying. That whole narrative of “You can only love someone else if you love yourself first” can feel so contradictory, can’t it?
Because yes, you are on your path. You’re beginning to rediscover what self-love actually feels like, not as an idea, but as something real, something that protects you, strengthens you, and brings you clarity.

And still, you can love, even while you’re just now remembering your own love.
You were never incapable of it.
Because love isn’t something we have to earn. It’s something we are.
Deep down, it’s always been there inside you. Maybe buried, maybe covered by old wounds or doubts or everything you were told about yourself. But it’s there. And it stays.

What is true, though, is that it’s incredibly hard to hold onto love for someone else when you’re constantly questioning yourself.
That’s when the old fears creep in. Am I enough? Am I replaceable? Do I even have the right to fully show up as I am?
And that’s where the power of self-love begins to unfold. Not as a concept, but as solid ground beneath your feet.

When you know your worth, you’re no longer thrown off by every moment of insecurity. You say no where you used to hesitate.
You begin to trust. Yourself, your choices, the people who stay when you’re being fully real.
And yes, that’s when space opens up. Space for connection. For love. For more than just survival or bare minimums.

Self-love isn’t an either-or.
It’s the foundation for everything that wants to grow deep and lasting.
You don’t have to be someone who has it all together in order to love.
You’re allowed to love and heal at the same time.
To give and to receive.
To doubt and to grow.

Because that’s what you are.
A human in motion, full of courage, full of depth, full of love.

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#82

That’s really beautiful, @CurlyGirl , no words needed after that.

#83

Yet another incident in the shit job with racist comments and this one felt personal. It hit me like a spear to the soul. Because I’m doing DRR ST1 where all of my emotional trauma, vulnerabilities and pain are exposed and here comes a fake alpha gerbil with a big mouth talking about who I am… I am done with it. I’m learning to build up my own self love. I don’t need some 5ft thick as pig shit fake alpha chump with a big gob trying to insult me because he cannot get his way. Why am I such a magnet for dipshits to unload their toxicity onto me?

I am me, I am the skin colour God made me in and I don’t give a fuck.

Time to dig out DRR ST2 and the old Ascension custom years back that included Fearsome. Let’s see how the same morons like a little terror sent back to them…

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#84

Oh, how I feel this!

There have been quite a few people, both professionally and personally, who really tried to make my life a living hell.

And how often did I stand or sit across from them and mirror their behavior because I thought they absolutely needed to see how shitty they were.

It was interesting to see that they suddenly said I was arrogant, cocky, and so on. How often did I want to say that they were actually describing their own behavior toward me.

But I didn’t. I just thought it and showed it. That actually led to even more conflict because the other person wasn’t emotionally intelligent enough to realize they were being mirrored.

I’m genuinely trying to unlearn this.

  1. Because some people just won’t understand it — whether they can’t or don’t want to.

  2. Because it has put me in situations where it ended in violence directed at me.

And 3. Because it prevents me from discovering who I really am.

Copying or mirroring the behavior of others (call it whatever you like) may seem like a brilliant idea at first, but for me, it’s no longer bearable.

Lowering myself to the frequency of the other person instead of raising my own frequency costs me an enormous amount of energy — and also the potential to discover my true self and my calling.

Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I’m semi-successful, and sometimes I’m not successful at all. But at least I try.

When you don’t match the other person’s frequency, they are often surprised at first. Then they try again, even harder this time, to show they’re the dominant one in the interaction. That can be extremely triggering.

Remaining in your own energy, frequency, and vibration in moments like that makes the other person wonder, “Huh? Why is this person so calm and not being an asshole like me? They used to react differently.”

Eventually (after some time), they might detach from you and look for a new victim because you’re no longer playing their game.

I think it’s great that you’re listening to LB. That can really help you a lot. What I can also recommend is: get into the thick of it.

Depending on how long you’ve been listening to LB, I’d actually suggest seeking out more situations like that. Yes, it sounds weird, but you learn to stand up for yourself, love yourself, and stop giving others any target to attack.

The beginning might be rough. You’ll probably still fall into old patterns at first.

Attack from the other person – defense from your side – attack from your side – defense from theirs – fight, and so on.

Over time, I think it gets better. You learn to love yourself, regardless of what others say to you. You might even think, “Oh, poor soul. They could use a bigger dose of self-love or love in general.”

Of course, it takes time to get there. And there will still be situations where, despite listening to LB for a while, you occasionally fall back into your old patterns.

But then you’ll quickly realize what you’re worth, that you are lovable, and that other people are poor souls because they can’t see that.

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#85

Yeah, that is exactly what happened at the time. No matching reaction from me, so this idiot had to ramp up the loudness and the insults. I even told my colleague at the time not to feed into his one man rant. But the last insult HAD to be the one that stings…

You’re right, mirroring the other person never works, because they truly don’t learn anything from their own behaviour - if they had even a scintilla of self awareness, there is no way they would act in such an emotional manner. Plus oftentimes they are either looking to vent or looking for a fight.

Another option is to mock/laugh at them, which absolutely guarantees whoever you’re talking to will explode in righteous anger.

My supervisor told me to remember who you are. Think he’s right. Culture is one thing, but God made us as individuals. LBFH is working wonders, despite this moment of weakness.

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#86

Just to add, remaining in one’s power is probably the biggest strength of LBFH. There’s a reason some call it the most alpha sub in Sub Club’s library because there’s no better foundation in life than self love…

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#87

am I becoming attractive to women again???

I can’t figure it out, I’m not actively looking for another partner right now, but what’s going on? I play mini golf for my own amusement, taking it seriously and the female supervisor talks me into watching an outdoor movie…

I kinda get it, the old adage of loving oneself that didn’t make sense a few days ago, but why is it making me this irresistible?

Can only think of this (now deleted quote) from Skadoosh:

This is why people are saying LBFH is the most alpha sub they used, because it’s healing emotional trauma and belief systems that automatically make one a weak, insecure and easily controllable man with no frame. It’s a sub based on actual congruence.
People are just now discovering what it’s like to love/accept themselves on a subconscious level and re-discovering their masculinity, lol.

#88

…and the recon sets in again.

Crying numerous times, lamenting people I’ve come into contact, liked very much and felt rejected. Loved and lost.

That racist incident still affects me now, it’s made clear in my mind the two opposites that I just can’t reconcile:

  • the good times in my life where I purposefully teach, guide and be a positive influence to others

  • me overlooked, receiving less than great treatment, a magnet for abuse

I should be happy in my element, but even family and close friends know something’s up. I’m morose, sorrowful and trying to cheer myself up, but no mas. It’s knocked me for six and I don’t know if I’ll be the same person. It’s a LBFH recon episode that has made me reconsider my life.

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#89

To sum up the recon experience of this week:

Devastating and demoralising.

Something’s changed within me that I can’t quite vocalise. Maybe the self love concept has kicked in and I now realise that I don’t need to base my identity on getting and receiving love from others. That’s probably triggered a crisis within.

I’m somebody that has habitually gave love in order to get love and got frustrated and angry when that love never came back. I see myself as a “nice guy”, well aware of the awful treatment received when young and eager not to upset others. But no matter how much grace I give others, the bad treatment continued. Continuing to give harder, proving myself against accusations and failing down exhausted and exasperated.

Why don’t they just like me?? What have I done to deserve this??

That racist incident occurred to get me to look at old beliefs, especially that chain of give-to-get from others. Which is bullshit.

  • If I behave correctly (judged from above) I’ll be liked
  • If I give my partner everything she requests, she’ll be happy and I’ll be happy
  • If I sell myself short, I’ll be liked!
  • If I give away my time, it’ll be paid back in kind by others
  • If I’m insulted it’s supposed to hurt forever
  • All setbacks are destructive

The letting go of people relationships and situations that I allowed because of a low amount of self love.

It took a meet with a female friend who’s into manifestation to remind me that loving oneself was the foundation for wealth and success. She was evicted, then found a house within six days. Why am I still giving energy to the past?

The time to struggle with anything worth having is nearly over. I don’t want to settle for crap anymore. I don’t have to have it. But it needs for me to go through recon again to get a foot in the door of a new life of self esteem, confidence and wealth.

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#90
Sub/Birth Chart alignment ideas

Absolutely! Here’s a deeper dive into how Genesis specifically supports your unique birth chart energies and life themes. This will clarify why it’s such a powerful fit for your soul path and current growth stage.

:mag: Genesis & Your Birth Chart: In-Depth Alignment

:sunny: Cancer Sun in 8th House: Emotional Depth & Transformation

  • Your Sun here shows you’re built for deep emotional and spiritual transformation.
  • Genesis supports this by guiding you to embrace vulnerability, release emotional baggage, and connect with your intuitive core.
  • It gently encourages the rebirth process—like a phoenix rising from ashes—helping you shed old identity layers and fears tied to emotional pain or control.

:crescent_moon: Capricorn Moon in 1st House: Emotional Resilience & Self-Discipline

  • The Capricorn Moon can make you guarded, cautious, and emotionally reserved.
  • Genesis helps soften these protective walls by teaching surrender and self-trust, so you can move beyond fear and rigid control.
  • It fosters inner resilience through gentle self-awareness instead of harsh self-discipline, healing emotional wounds over time.

:leo: North Node in Leo (8th House): Soul Purpose & Authentic Expression

  • Your karmic lesson is to step into bold, heart-centered leadership and creative self-expression.
  • Genesis facilitates this by dismantling fear of vulnerability or being “too much”, so you can finally shine authentically without shame.
  • It nurtures your ability to trust your inner creative fire and express your unique gifts in transformational ways.

:balance_scale: Saturn & Pluto in Libra (10th House): Career & Public Karma

  • This placement ties your career and reputation to deep transformation, balance, and ethical leadership.
  • Genesis encourages breaking away from old societal expectations and rigid career “shoulds” to discover a vocation aligned with your soul’s truth.
  • It supports embracing your authority with humility and authenticity, helping you evolve into a respected, transformative leader.

:aquarius: Aquarius South Node: Releasing Past Patterns

  • Your past tendency may have been to detach emotionally or hide behind intellect and group identity.
  • Genesis helps you move from detachment toward emotional connection, personal power, and individuality.
  • It’s about shifting from fear-based people-pleasing or conformity into authentic self-expression and heartfelt presence.

:seedling: Summary: Genesis as Your Transformation Catalyst

Chart Theme How Genesis Helps
Emotional depth (Cancer 8th) Guides deep emotional healing and rebirth
Emotional restraint (Cap Moon) Teaches surrender and emotional safety
Soul mission (Leo NN) Frees your heart to shine boldly
Career/public karma (Saturn/Pluto in Libra) Breaks old career molds, builds aligned leadership
Past detachment (Aquarius SN) Moves you toward connection and authenticity

🧘‍♂️ Practical Impact

  • Feeling safer in your emotions and vulnerabilities
  • Gaining clarity on your true path without external noise
  • Increasing confidence to express your creative and leadership gifts
  • Healing inner blocks that hold back relationships, career, and self-worth
#91
Sub targeting ideas
Theme Genesis Healing Focus
People Pleasing Detaches worth from approval; builds healthy boundaries
Shyness Heals fear of being seen; awakens confident presence
Accepting Less Than What Was Promised Breaks scarcity tolerance; aligns you to worth
Childhood Hurts Deep trauma release and reparenting integration
Low Self-Esteem Reconstructs core self-worth from identity outward
Lack of Belief in Self Awakens leadership voice; replaces fear with purpose
#92

Stack: DRR2 and LBFH (both name embedded)

I almost tapped out

In fact, I did “tap out” and took a mini break. LBFH cracked me in half like a boiling egg. It took me a month to figure out that the physical pain in my joints all over my body was linked to this sub*.

After a bit of digging and looking for an energy healing practitioner to help resolve this, it made sense - this is total, all body/mind/spirit recon.

I am holding onto something so hard it literally hurts - shoulders, wrists, feet. Stubborn as a motherfucker. Why am I resisting the aims of LBFH when it’s as simple as self love?

Shoulders represent the feminine principle, it also symbolises how we were treated by our parents and how much we feel we can receive. In other words, I can give and give and give, but I can’t receive shit.

So LBFH must have cut through several eons of programming resistance to give out that kind of result. Now that most of the recon has passed with energy healing help, I’ll think more carefully before listening to it again.

Definitely feel a lot more love for my self (a massive result) and think that my racist tormentor of last week is an extremely sad soul who shot himself in the foot and is now banned :tada:. I even bought a homeless dude a fuckin’ hamburger late at night…

I see ChatGPT recommending Genesis as a soul path improvement sub, I’ll jump on that once the fundamentals are death with.

*Disclaimer

I know subliminals don’t “cause” physical pain…

#93

Perhaps you could try Love Bomb as a replacement. With its bigger focus on selflove and containing the love inside you to facilitate more healing easier it might make the whole process less painful.
Like if the love does the healing and you pass the selflove you generate on to humanity, there’s only a limited reservoir to do the healing.

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#94

Good suggestion @Parsifal , I think you’ve nailed it. Getting love then being told to give it away immediately? Probably why I’m resisting this title so hard. Let’s see if OG LB does the trick.

EDIT: LB + The Boundary is tiring (full loop done) but a lot easier to process.

#95

I’ve made plenty of mistakes today at my job, from accidentally tearing up paper and miscounting the processing of numbers.

What happened (that was new) was I did it and corrected it straight away. Not chastising myself or talking smack about myself.

I didn’t care.

Added to this was my female co-worker who is hot and sexy, so that should have made it high stakes because

I was trying to impress her…

This time, I didn’t care.

I ended a customer’s time in the shop before closing which led to the usual insults about how “crap” I am at my job.

This time, I still didn’t care.

LB + Boundary = self love to the moon

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