Finding Myself Again

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Michel here.

It’s been a long couple of months away from this forum for a variety of reasons:

• being in and out of a toxic relationship
• standing up to my work boss and being discarded in the process
• a house move
• extensively working on myself using other methods
• becoming a university tutor and earning substantial amounts of money
• clearing repeated ancestral trauma patterns

Believe it or not, it’s all been beneficial, even the bad stuff. It’s as if I asked for all of it to happen to me…

Right now I’m exhausted and wondering what to do with my life now, since the toxic relationship emptied me out so much. The main goal for me is not looking for another woman or being some “alpha” pretender, peacocking it for someone else to carry on the toxic patterns. I’d rather just carry in healing what needs to be healed and try to enjoy life. I’m at the stage where it feels like being divorced but with no marriage. :thinking:

Enter Chosen and Chosen from Within

After a play of CFW I still feel exhausted and emptied out but with a little bit more hope in life. Things aren’t that bad really - they just feel bad in the moment.
Then Chosen plugs in the gaps then adds the positivity that I’m sorely missing.

I’m trying to find hope for the future and the Chosen duo is helping a lot. Not sure about the Chosen Nature title, but will have a look at it.

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#2

Genesis: Art of Happiness and Joy. It’ll help you seal in the results you’ve achieved through your efforts and help you infuse all your actions with joy.

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#3

Good to see you here after a long time, @Michel.

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#4

So it’s official, I’ve left my relationship.

She was a great person (still is a loving person) but the suppression, lack of respect and walking on eggshells got to me so much that I fled the city I originally moved to to escape my parents!

Right now, I’m a little messed up, licking my wounds and trying to “love myself”, remembering the good times as well as the lessons taking forward with me. That’s why I went away from the forum for the longest time… She’ll shocked but ok still.

So… @lion thanks for the welcome back!

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#5

Picking myself up again

I am at a loss.

See the relationship I just left provided a level of comfort in that I wa taken care of, I was told what to do and valued the guidance of my girlfriend, even though I willingly gave up myself to take on the role of “half” of my partner.

Now I am by myself, lost and looking around for a leader. A mother even. I know this is past dynamics playing out in the field, but anything else seems weird. After 40 years, did I even grown up? It’s not like I didn’t try to solve the issue - energy healing released a whole lot of heavy ancestral and inherited trauma (think slavery, rape etc). But my own issues are still present.

Now I feel so emptied out from the toxic relationship experience that I don’t even want to go back to the hobbies I enjoyed - painting, travelling. Normal breakups are hard but this is something else entirely.

Now I’ll need something to rebuild my confidence enough to be myself again AND appear like an adult, rather than a toddler still looking out for his mummy.

Ascension may be a better fit.

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#6

After faffing around with several titles that kinda hit the healing relationship trauma, building up confidence and (after watching Oliver Lucas on YouTube) masculine energy, I rediscovered Dragon Reborn and gave it a go. The objectives check out:

• regaining confidence

• putting up strong boundaries

• becoming more assertive

• transforming the inner child

• rebuilding self image

First off - Dragon Reborn Red? Obviously I missed the rebrand update, but there’s some new tech included because the Red Dragon stage 1 is smooth. Usually any ST1 track hollows me out energetically and spiritually, but this one so far is an easy play. I even let out a mini cry for about 10 minutes. Life and relationships had already messed me up, so what’s ST1 going to do to me that’s worse?

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#7

… And the recon hits.
The usual type of recon that says fuck the world, I’m tired. But this is a dull ache, the type that misses my old life, my partner and the fact that I was paying rent and bills, like a grown ass adult. But as I cried as I wasn’t “adult” enough to stop being controlled and treated like a puppy dog.

I then realised that I miss being “loved” - for whatever motivation it was, I was somebody to someone for the first time in my life. I was never loved, hugged or told loving things as a child ever, just scolding, physical violence and unrealistic expectations. Guess what type of person I attracted?

It’s gutting to realise that a fundamental part of myself was missing for the longest - and now it’s my responsibility to fix it. I believe that ST1 is doing its part. But man, it still feels like being hollowed out.

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#8

Sounds like you’re taking the biggest steps to a greater life. Youve got this!

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#9

Your post helped me understand my own situation Michel. I started Khan St.1 a week back, and I used to post here on the forum, frequently and easily.

AND I’m facing the same feelings that have surfaced time and time again, that of being abandoned.

It was by my brother. I’ve come here hundreds of times trying to recreate that same feeling of being loved, often leaving quietly and blaming myself for feeling that old sting again.

I’ve just grown tired of living there. Tired of doing it again and again, ad nauseum. I’ve done this since my pre-teens.

Khan has been very active. And I choose this. Life is more than being stuck in the past. It’s creating something different.

Thank you for your honest writing.

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#10

Hi @subliminalguy :blush:

I think the reconciliation hump has finished.
Damn that was brutal. Probably as brutal as all the inner child energy healing sessions whilst I was away from the forum.

I’m feeling calmer, stronger and less upset given how things have panned out regarding leaving work and people behind. I’m still a little pissed at how my unstable work boss thought it was ok to scream at me in front of the customers, then threw me out of the work group.

I also feel a certain inner strength growing due to those injustices and a “lesson learnt” type of attitude developing - what I call a don’t fuck with me wisdom. Whether that’s called boundaries or putting oneself first I don’t know. Lots of emotional maturity developing too.

I’ll give DR1 a week’s play before moving on to DR2. The sheer work I’ve done in the energetic healing realm means that for me the DR1 run will be shorter than usual. The effects so far are miraculous - greatly reduced post-narcissistic aftershock greatly reduced, past remnants of feeling rejected and discarded are disappearing. Repeating patterns of being unloved from an early age are being dismantled.

Dare I say a tiny amount of self pride is coming back too…?

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#11

Just a wee bit. You sound determined to get through this, which is infectious.

I’m sorry you had such recon so far.

I’m doing 3 minute loops of Khan St.1, and besides some emotional puking a few times a week (mostly tears), recon hasn’t been a major issue. I’ve noticed that battle of contrary beliefs popping up, so if that’s recon, I experience it mostly on rest days, which is today. I experienced a battle of wanting/not wanting growth and fearfully hanging on to my “norm of stuckness” this morning. It lasted less than half an hour total. And the awareness has stuck.

And to be completely honest, I haven’t expected what I’ve been receiving. I thought it’d be…much more hellish. You know, “Khan’s rough!” It’s difficult as it challenges me out of my comfort zones, and that’s the worst of it. But it’s not been extreme on Khan.

This sounds trite, but being stuck is 1000% more hellish to me. Most change is challenging, but Khan’s way is to amplify my pride and my self-perception so I’m like “YEAH!! Let’s DO THIS!!”

And I’m facing some mental battling while I write–“be honest…or hide once again?”

While listening to a slightly sad song today, tears just started coming down. I wasn’t consciously thinking of anything that would have triggered it, but it was like a dam breaking. I knew it and allowed it. It lasted maybe 30 seconds.

I see that as me accepting some change I’ve resisted, and I’m still sappy now. Gonna watch some romance flick since I usually spill my guts if I’m open. Right now, I am. I’ve had tears come and go while writing as I’ve looked back on today.

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#12

Brother, DRR is a tough one. If you got to cry, then cry. You got plenty of dragon warriors here.

Welcome back!

What all are you listening to?

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#13

A weird feeling of strength and stability is starting to develop inside from listening to DR1. I’m still upset and have a few crying bouts now and again.

I’m in an emotional halfway house where there is future optimism laced with past grief and sorrow. But the self worth within is strengthening day by day and I’m hoping it’s permanent this time. I used to think these subs were ineffective because the start gave me everything the title promises, but would eventually hit a block and it would cancel out all the gains.

advice

(I suggest checking whether you’re carrying any victim or generational trauma first).

I feel my own inner strength when I wake up in the morning, even an energy healing client said they could hear my newfound strength. Growing up, maturing, inner child healing, whatever it is, it is happening for me. Being and acting like a victim was my life experience, until it wasn’t.

Inner strength seems attractive too…

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#14

Still feeling quite sad, low and a deep longing is still there but the percentage of head space is getting smaller. I also feel quite differently towards life now - before I had an ideal about life and where I “should” be by my 20s and 30s - I should have the ideal career, the ideal salary, the ideal partner and family… That everyone is nice and kind and will treat you well…

Going deeper I feel that everything I held onto such as past hurts at school, college, university, past failed relationships, past failed career launches and the cloud of depression and failure that has been a part on me since birth feels changed.

I remember feeling like this on Khan ST1 back in the day. Like the world’s going to end.

I’m using LB to fill the pit of the stomach feeling and it’s helping.

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#15

@Viktor has a great journal with DRR1 being the pillar of his stack right now, and his journal shows how hard the transition to DRR2 was for him. Consider staying on ST1 for a while.

You’re right in that the dragon reborn series has changed a bit. First of all, there’s dragon, reborn, red, and reborn, gold, which has everything in red, plus a lot of royalty and regality-type scripting.

Stick to red.

The other changed to the dragon reborn series is that they’re not entirely sequential and chronological. They’re part of the new multi stager format in which each stage is a full-fledged subliminal in its own right.

DRR/DRG only sort of fit this format, so I wouldn’t go jumping ahead to the other stages, but the key difference here is after you complete all four stages, you don’t have to put stage four into a custom, you put whichever stage helped you the most

What I’m getting at here is that stage one is a full subliminal in its own right, and so long as it’s serving you, there’s nothing that says you have to switch to the next title, certainly not after one cycle. I’d say enjoy the ride for as long as you like.

I was going to recommend Khan to you because it’s helping me, I’m going through a break up as well, and KHAN is what gave me the confidence to initiate that. And it’s giving me the power and confidence to move through it. But if you’re already running Greg and reborn, that’s more than good enough, I wouldn’t stack K n DR together.

What I would urge you to consider, is looking at the first stage of the ecstasy of gold. The worthiness scripting, inherited stories, scripting, and just the sheer amount of joy in it all seem like they could help you… But I’m also bringing it up because it’s the first title to use new ZPU tech. Zero point union. Which will eventually become ZPv3.

Ecstasy of gold is by far the most powerful subliminal I’ve ever used. I think it’ll give you a huge infusion of joy, healing, worthiness, and purpose, in this time, and it would stack great with DRR1. Hard, maybe, but they’re both so smooth individually, I think it’ll go great.

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#16

12 days on and a lot has changed for me already, can’t quite put it down to a single sub, but my mindset has improved considerably.

The way I’m feeling now is that I’m hugely more relaxed, less fearful of the future (doomcasting is a thing…) and I feel more than enough in life.

If I had to put it down to a sub, maybe Love Bomb takes the winning spot, maybe combined with ST1 of Dragon Reborn Red.

All those sayings about love yourself before you love another, fill your cup before another’s seem trite and cheesy as fuck but they are true. I don’t want to share this feeling just yet, mainly because I seem to always share out and not been allowed to keep what’s mine in life. That’s “selfish” apparently… :grin:

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#17

Love Bomb … what an incredible sub and one that I didn’t think would have such a powerful effect on myself and others…

Growing up, my earliest experiences of this “love” thing equalled pain, punishment and and humiliation. Then doing the oddest things as an adult trying to gain approval from others, looking for “love” from other people (parents, friends, women)… I need it, yet reel from it.

So even the idea of cultivating “self love” from within is difficult to do when “love” has such a terrible name to it. Even the term love bombing as a negative comes from the narcissistic abuse community.

Enter Love Bomb

1 Min micro loops seem to work better than the full 15 minutes and the proof is so vivid.

Love Bomb’s results are that my self esteem cup is now half full, rather than near empty, I feel safe in the arms of the universe and it is such a powerful personality enhancer - no need to prove anything to others.

There is another result, a dilemma. I have loads of women friends, my ex-gf still wants me to come visit and stay over :wink: and a new woman just asked me about my relationship status… What on earth do I do?

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#18

Really difficult to select some of the new subs for stacking a second title, having spent some time with DR Red ST1 and getting more benefit with Love Bomb…

Also clarifying my future goals for 2025 which will be :

• moving on from a lower vibe job into one better aligned
• Pursue my own creative interests
• Restart my healing business
• and stop overworking

I’ve substitute DR Red for DR Limit Destroyer. Why?

Because I do have confidence scars from aiming high on life and crashing from failure. I also stop expressing myself, choosing to keep my opinions and wants to myself, fearing humiliation and violent reprisal, choosing to being polite instead.

In other words, the id or I WANT is missing because no one was interested enough to meet my needs. But I can change that now.

So I feel that LB + DR LD covers a lot of ground - self love, love from others, breaking through confidence, healing past failures.

Microloops work really well - 2 min every other day sees the effects appear quite rapidly in a way that 15 minutes doesn’t. I feel renewed confidence and poise, preparing to give this year a good push. :+1:

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#19

Dragon Reborn Red ST2

I think microloops are the way forward, I’m getting very handy results on just 1-2 mins. And ST2 is a much different beast.

The effect I could best describe ST2 is being cleansed of a longstanding troublesome entity. The body shakes, the short sharp anger and a 180⁰ turn in beliefs was a shock to my system. But what a feeling of emotional freedom!.

Admittedly I’m reconning on playing everything from Wanted, DR LD, LB, Chosen and CFW testing out microloops of each sub and ST2 seemed to be the one that gave me the biggest emotional cleansing.

I have worked at two jobs, emotionally fearing the worst, getting lost and confused over small tasks, generally coping with PTSD and all of a sudden I have clarity of mind. Like what the fuck? Leading others? Telling them what to do gently? Never expected ST2 to be this powerful…

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#20

I think I’ve found my combination - DR ST2 and Chosen…

But my god the reconciliation of ST2 of just a 1 minute play has me messed up for a whole week.

Whoever said ST2 was even more uncomfortable than ST1, I didn’t believe them, until today. Shit…

@answergroup does this hell ever stop? :upside_down_face:

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