Finding My Foundation

Journals - Major Programs
#60

I can’t figure this shit out.

It’s definitely WANTED coming out of my skin.

It has to be because when women hang around and are kneeling on seats to stand near me, that’s not DreamBoi territory.

All I had to do was let ST1 and ST2 play out. Nothing else.

I’m actually seeing delayed success because of this foundation I’ve been advising others to develop before.

I’m also embracing preppy chic - one button down polo shirt with shorts. It looks corny to others but it reflects me all over, nerdy, not trying to muscle flex.

Beginning to smile to myself because…

giphy (7)

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#61

Its both their territories. Dream boy can be juat as seuxal as wanted, people juat struggle with tapping into their authentic sexuality and what not.

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#62

embodimentus

Settling more into my body feels great, almost erotic. I’m learning to enjoy accepting how my body appears - I look like a gentle boxer :flushed: and that works for me as it stops me ever being a target to be picked on.

I now know who is for me and who isn’t and trusting what my body says rather than ignoring it and trying to force connection - my soul group desperately wants to meet me, whereas the art peer group aren’t bothered. LBFH helps me know the difference.

I also seem to be expressing the beginnings of coquette behaviour since it feels safe to do so. I think a lot of the Wanted features only start to come out thanks to body safety and respect. Neediness is replaced by the new attitude of “I know you desire me, come find me”.

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#63

Reminds me of my first run of Chosen. I was coming off Wanted and the LBFH. I was getting a lot of that knowing who was right for me kinda thing. Also had a few moments where I just felt love coming off other people, almost as if they weren’t aware of it themselves or something. Really cool stuff.

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#64

Feel like some of the Stabiliser effects are slipping away - since I’m ADHD, I’m painfully aware that I cannot focus on an important task like formal marking for very long, still have doom piles of clothing lying around and spend large amounts of time on the scroll. But when it comes to planning and cleaning up, it gets done fairly quickly and immediately. It’s something that I’ve accepted that this is how things are. I have no desire to be “cured” or “straightened out” as it helps me with my creative practice.

ST2 is a little heavy going too, I find. Feeling sluggish in my day to day. Maybe I’m discovering more of a free spirit vibe?

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#65

Facts. You see the Uno reverse game play here and I think that’s the inbuilt Wanted mechanism for us to learn and master. It’s like some divine spiritual lesson.

#66

Kinda sorta. Its detachment from the end result thats the key. Do the thing but be content either which way.

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#67

Right, so I’ve cut back on ST2 (3 min) and such a relief to not have overload and a head full of ideas trying to digest it all. There’s always been this subconscious reliance on another person, usually my mother or some authority I’ve appointed to tell me who I am, now I feel like I can emotionally stand on my own two feet and discard the flyaway opinions and prejudices. The training wheels have been removed and I can cycle. Emotional codependency was my reality until today.

Work tasks have taught me that ADHD is still my home, my reality, but as long as it gets done on time, I don’t give a fuck. The discipline to plan my work load ahead of time, spread it out and stick to it (with breaks) surprised me so much. I’m so head fucked.

Wanted is clicking into place nicely in a way from the inside-out: my last run of Wanted had me brutally facing up to unworthiness, jealousy and codependency while looking outward for a woman to fix it. Now, because of ST1 doing its foundation work, I’m feeling the sexy vibes for myself and developing the mindset of “No, I can do better”.

Who the fuck am I to think like that, eh?

#68

Wanted is playing with me

or am I’m playing with Wanted?!
In my usual spot for lunch and a tall blonde woman was walking towards me with huge dominant “notice me” energy, I locked eyes, then looked away to the side. This felt effortless because usually I fold and lose my centre but this time it felt empowering to choose my focus. It wasn’t hot and cold, just polite acknowledgement - I see you, you’re impressively attractive and I’ll carry on with my day.

This self development thing is actually going in the right direction. Wish my creative practice would too - feeling unwelcome by my peer group almost makes me want to quit it. I feel uneasy thinking about it, ST2 made sure of that.

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#69

Oh, and “fuck an IOI”, lol! :rofl:

In the best way because being surrounded by IOIs are a feature of the product, something I’m starting to get lean to without getting overexcited - in fact they fell like an inevitability. Once these attraction signs become normal for a Wanted man, then the next stage can begin.

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#70

Another reason I like LBFH:

Met a female colleague and went on a gallery exhibition, it felt easy and our interests aligned, we spent the best part of 3 hours moving very slowly past the paintings and talking about ourselves.

Then it hit me… this is what it feels like to have aligned people in your life… You actually belong.

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#71

I don’t know what’s responsible for all the free stuff I’ve been receiving - admission for the gallery, free food, opportunities falling into my lap, but I sure am grateful :pray:t6:

Also my work tasks that I estimated on the fly to complete were done on time and no one had a bad word to say about it. Out of sight…

I know now which people are worth it and those who aren’t and my body can feel the difference. I can’t physically be near those who don’t give a fuck, I can’t do it. I refuse.

Just being selective and not giving away my light for free - disappear on people, then they’ll value you eventually (or they can see my clean heels).

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#72

Ascension got me thinking about myself in such a worthy, clear and priceless way - not ashamed to say that-

“I am the shit”

My own low self esteem root was about serving others and not having that come back, wasting effort on people that couldn’t receive it. Now I am choosing to receive it from worthy others with grace.

And that old saying about "love yourself, treat yourself as worthy and you will be rewarded".

How?

My views are up on Instagram…

(“Wanted Online?” Can’t be. Can it?)

Even married women are catching looks… Don’t blame them, my look is more rogue.

The remaining dilemma is the habit of “trying again” to integrate with this group of people that dismiss, misunderstand and cut me down. I can comfortably stay away and not participate but certain things I feel I “should” take part. Or else.

Even writing the above down, the answer is clear. Stay away. Protect your peace. Gift them my absence. Build your own life, on your own rules.

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#73

Something different in the air.

I think ST2 has turned a corner.

Usually when pushed to embrace more of me, something resists. What if others react violently? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I share something from deep within and I get humiliated?

Something got removed, don’t know what it was.

Because I feel no resistance. Just calm. Zen even. (Until something doesn’t work first time :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:)

I can relax and trust the inner landscape now.
I’m not measuring myself against others. I don’t need a permission slip to exist anymore!!!

There’s the clincher. Permission to exist.
I don’t need it anymore. Won’t the world collapse?

It hasn’t so far. Even if it does, I’m still here, being me.

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#74

Wanted - I don’t know why I’m still pining for the flame haired Red Girl that’s blanked me since, because I’ve lost count of the number of women upping their IOIs (fuck an IOI, right? :rofl:) here there and everywhere.

I have oneitis for a girl that I didn’t even date?!?!

That’s crazy.

But Wanted will click over soon like with Ascension. I feel that the sub will start 1upping a level. Feeling comfortable with myself then start flirting.

#75

Pretty normal. it’s usually “what could’ve been” that lingers the longest.

Are you actually running wanted? I’ve lost track.

#76

Currently running ST2 and Wanted in a stack.

It’s still early days with New Wanted, but on Ascension, that “dominance” is showing big time.

#77

Ah. Enjoy.

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#78

ST1 is definitely something to run for 3-6 months IMHO. Built it in a custom.

With the dopamine management, energy management, vision & ambition building, all the financial/debt/money-belief work… and SO many more features… it may feel productive in the first week but to fully bloom i Know it’ll take a while!

For me, some of the “leak” that ST1 prevents is th constant monitoring of other people’s perceptions of me. Even if those perceptions are positive!

A st1/st2 double core name embed would be amazing! unfortunately i have other plans :smiling_imp:

ST1/2/Wanted would be a crazy good stack tho…

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#79

Starting to feel this way about recent releases. 4 months (2 60-day cycles) is where I’m leaning right now.

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