Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#161

I just want to start off by saying I don’t have personal experience with this. But I’ve heard of the experience from other transgender women. And the current issues in the US makes this a whole mess of an issue. I had a trans woman tell me she had gay friends that kept insisting on her to take off the drag and just admit to being a gay man which is incredibly invalidating. Some of them do that because they think because of the discrimination they’ve faced they don’t have to look inward at their behavior towards other marginalized groups. I have heard from others that gay cis men have the capacity to be some of the most transphobic individuals. They’ll be nice but say some messed up stuff and won’t own up to it. Try to play it off like it’s no a big deal or wrongly assume they understand things when they haven’t got a clue.

So I guess what I’m getting at it is LGB is really sexual orientation. Trans is a complex gender identity. Either we get overlooked or because LGB is much more accepted now we get seen as a threat to further acceptance among the populace and pushed out more. We’re all united under oppression, but the problem is some of them don’t feel that oppression anymore so it’s like a “good luck with your problems thing, my life is good now” issue.

And all that being said I’m not saying there aren’t accepting supportive people, but it’s a crapshoot. Like I said no guarantee of safety or inclusivity unless I know who organized the event, who else is going, what ratio it’ll be between lgb to trans, and also age. I’ve found older individuals in general get stuck in their ways and never reassess their world views. So yeah you can have some of the most hateful people at these events because they’re going for their clique, not the whole LGBTQ+ umbrella.

#162

Thank you for clarifying!

I’ve wondered about this. It’s the difference between concern about human freedom and “my freedom”.

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#163

I was guilty of this. Being trans was such a terrifying thing to me I just shielded myself from all of it. I’m not proud of how I turned a blind eye to it all. But like it or not I’m in the thick of it now with no real way to hide it in my day to day life. It’s changed a lot of things for me and my awareness of this country in general.

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#164

Not being enough. Thats a hell in your own mind. I have done the questioning, the philosophizing, the advancing, but now its time to just live. I love this forum but I hate it at the same time. Sometimes I catch myself thinking I still need to get somewhere other than here.

Plans have never worked for me, ever. I’m content to watch my life unfold as it will. As long as im safe, secure, and free to express myself that’s a gift itself. There’s a higher level of planning at work in my head im not aware of but if I trust it guides me.

I also think of human design and my type. Im a generator and when I first learned they “respond” I felt like I had no will. I was like screw this, I’m in control ! But that was my ego. I was making all the wrong decisions because I thought I knew what I wanted but it wasnt it. The responding is actually beautiful, its like a core connection with myself. I’m not being reactive to my environment, im processing all the stimuli and how it fits into me. At the core its yes or no. Learning to listen to this is important. Its not always the stuff I expect. This has been super relevant with my transition, letting go of the fear, listening to my deepest self.

I wonder if generators are more highly reactive to these subs due to being responders. It can be a very hard yes or no, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it means forever. An idea or preference can be a yes or no on that particular day just because I need to be guided to something else.

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#165

Really trying to embrace the idea of feeling what I don’t want to feel.

Im feeling really afraid and sad right now. People have the best intentions and tell me it will all work out and don’t worry. I’ve spent my whole life trying to hide my difficulties. And now I literally can’t hide. I used to mask everything with a male persona. That was my shield from the world. I got rid of that and it feels like my raw nerves are exposed.

I made a new friend from my support group. I opened up to her and explained when people show me love and acceptance I get scared. I just needed to tell her because I struggle a lot. She’s cool and she thinks I’m cool but I just panic around new people. I realized that wall I have up and struggle with is going to be there for a while but that doesn’t mean I cant have fulfilling relationships. I have to try despite it.

I almost broke down in group yesterday because everyone was connecting and showing compassion and that is literally torture for me. Two reasons. One I find it very anxiety inducing. Two I feel like an awful person because I find myself criticizing the openly emotional and vulnerable state of others in my own head and feel emotionally stunted. Like some terrible person unable to connect with others and I just shouldn’t be around people.

So in hindsight yeah, no wonder LB has been a massive struggle to run when I did it.

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#166

Damn that’s crazy how much I feel you, I have very similar wounds so pretty much everytime you express your pain it’s like I’m reading about myself.

2 days ago was pride parade in my city and here in Oslo pride is so much bigger than just acceptance of LGBTQ, it’s embraced by most everyone and it really is a celebration of life, love, freedom.

Point is I was working right around the parade outside and the atmosphere was supercharged with those beautiful feelings of happiness and love and acceptance with people having fun just dancing etc and that reflected on me powerfully and brought up my lack of self acceptance and the pain I carry, it was so beautiful in a way, it was like for a few hours the world was all love and something in me was saying ‘you’re ok now you can let go and open up for real the world is safe’ and lots of tears came out, very healing but also damn I’ve got so much to release so cheers to us for doing the work and standing strong everyday trying to do this thing called life!

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#167

Thanks so much for sharing! I feel alone a lot, it really does help hearing from others. I appreciate it. That sounds like a beautiful experience, I’m glad you were able to feel that healing.

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#168

Progress. Setup a diagram for my studio so I’ve got a better map when I get to connect it all / what components im missing

image

#169

But it will work out, my friend.
Could you tell me what stack u r running?
If it’s Dr red, it does tend to give me sadness from time to time, but the other side is always blissful.

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#170

Currently running Genesis and HoT. No DR red yet, maybe in the future though.

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#171

Is genesis helping u solidify ur purpose even more? I’m asking coz I just wanna have a chat.

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#172

It has helped free me from the concept of purpose actually. Im learning what I like and what my preferences are and then navigating the world with that. Im learning to appreciate the present more. I’m building a better grasp of navigating the physical without being pulled in directions I don’t want to go.

I feel like its what I need right now. For a lot of my life I’ve put ridiculous expectations on myself. Genesis is helping me learn how to actually live.

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#173

Excellent, it seems like u know what u r doing and have a handle in things…

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#174

Yup! First time in my life everything has started to make sense. Just going through a lot of adjustments right now.

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#175

That is fawking awesome dude…
I too feel super good today. I see how everything will be all right in my life (even tho it hasn’t been before).

Btw, I gotta sleep. It was a pleasure talking wid u.

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#176

Hung out with some friends this weekend. Got some he/him pronouns accidentally thrown around. I didn’t correct it, they didn’t. I need to figure out how to handle that better. I can’t just keep eating the discomfort until I pass. I suck at advocating for myself. Fun and depressing weekend at the same time. Need to learn to speak up more.

But on my long ass drive home today I decided enough was enough. I’ve been so focused on worst case scenarios. Like how I’m gonna get by in life if I don’t pass after being on hormones for a bit. I said no. No, I’ve dealt with enough shit in my life I won’t settle for less.

Me gearing myself up for awful things by default causes me to lose sight of real goals and important things to me that can elevate my life. I’m not here to survive, I’m here to live. Lets make this happen because I’m done accepting crappy living. It’s banned.

My spiritual bypassing rearing its head again in my life. There is no pre-determined events, I’m not “meant” to do anything, I do what I want to do and how I want to live in alignment with who I am. If there’s any lesson I’ve had to learn in this lifetime, it’s to break the chains of control others have over me in order to live my truth. Not to take the path of least resistance and then post-rationalize why it was supposed to be that way. I refuse to do that to myself anymore.

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#177

Realized I’ve been overexposing again. I don’t need all that recon in my life. Hit around 48 secs with the subs before I felt I was crossing my threshold yesterday . Seems to have given me plenty to chew on today. Right into the emotional stuff but its processing vs my overexposure which just causes a lot of free floating anxiety and agitation I cant calm.

Maybe im still not quite ready for 2 min or higher. When im ready im ready, ill know.

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#178

Lessons im learning.

  1. im insecure as hell. I absolutely have body image issues. But its pretty much the same as what women are exposed to all the time in the media. It just so happens I didn’t have years to learn to love my body. So im trying to be mindful. Like ill watch eye makeup tutorials and none of it works because I have hooded eyes. But then I have to remind myself how diverse bodies are and what gets attention is not reality, just a small subset of it.

  2. Sort of goes with 1. I get roped into all the beauty stuff far too easily. New goal is min-maxing, least amount I have to do for good results lol. I really like makeup, I think its fun but I need to make sure I don’t get carried away with attaining “the best”.

When I think about it really im touching all these issues for the first time ever with subs because I couldnt even acknowledge I had them

#179

So I made a new friend at my support group. She’s further along than me with hormones. She said Im gonna be fine I already look feminine from the start. I even had a deep conversation with her and she said I look androgenous and should look into testing for being intersex. That was a first. The circumstances with how I met her was was wild too. I will write about it later, gave me a huge wtf moment.

Im still taking pictures of myself to track physical changes. I still have to subscribe to that online thing that lays out symmetry and facial changes. But im just wondering if anything has shifted that much or I just got “lucky” with not being cursed with heavily masculine features.

My T levels also came back for my bloodwork and im down to 59. Typical male levels are 200-300. I feel like running these subs and aligning the mind helps the body shift easier. I could just be full of shit though. All I know is not everyone sees their T levels respond or drop on hormones. And I’ve only been on them for 3 months so I see this as a good sign.

Oh also yesterday I had this idea to write a life contract that I signed and dated. It has an agreement to follow my intuition and heart, cut out manipulative people and circumstances, and reach out to loved ones if im struggling. Something about holding myself to a contractual agreement to live a better life appealed to me lol

#180

Soooooo cool. I finally got this patch editor setup on my tablet for my older synth. Loading up patches and making live tweaks is so inspiring now vs hunched over a digital display thats about 4 inches wide and 2 inches high lol.

I made a little melody just totally messing around with the sounds. I really liked it so im gonna build it up into something.

I also started injections for my HRT yesterday. Cheaper than patches and more efficient so its a win win except having to stick myself with a needle.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t know how to verbalize what I need but the right situations and people come to me. People have been really nice to me. Im making new friends and it terrifies me.

A new goal in the next 90 days, stop running from people that want to get to know me better and embrace the love others show me. I am suspicious of people, I think they’ll turn on me at any moment so I keep them at arms length which ruins relationships.

Love Genesis, this is such a good sub for just building that safety net for yourself in life

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