Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#141

I ran Sanguine earlier today. The calm and stillness on this is definitely amazing. I also feel more in tune with my body.

My original plan was running LB to the point where I love myself so much the opinions of others didn’t matter. But reflecting on it more what’s the real goal? Being myself. And being myself necessitates living as myself and taking actions as myself to experience that. What stood in the way of that was fear more than anything, fear of criticism, judgement, isolation, etc. Beyond all that was something I desire for my life and I was letting the views of faceless people dictate my own personal freedom.

That buzzing and anxiety, it’s hard to conceptualize it until it’s not there. Sanguine turns that down for me. It lets me sit with myself and ask “hey what do you need? We’re not in danger anymore”. And it’s the most relieving thing in existence I swear, just feeling safe.

Yeah I’m looking forward to running this sub a lot more. I can already feel HOT and Ascension for Women expressing themselves better because I feel safer to take action on them. This is gonna help a lot in terms of support.

#142

I’ve been taking a hard look at myself recently. My cycles of getting triggered at my job and then feeling vulnerable. I’ve realized that yeah this job isn’t for me and it gets stressful. But there’s no overall malice, it’s all unintentional. That doesn’t negate the impact of it, but it does change the narrative. I think for me it might have been the only way I could break away, if I painted them as terrible. Otherwise I’d get roped back into trusting them and then being disappointed. And that’s my issue, my boundary setting or lack of. I’m either full on trusting and full benefit of the doubt or withdrawing as hard as possible.

This was a huge realization because I saw in my coworker him coming up with these crazy scenarios of getting pushed out of the company. I spoke with the VP of my department about it because I was worried he’d turn it into a self fulfilling prophecy. I saw in him the same level of distrust and paranoia that comes from trauma. It really does fuck with your perception.

I’m even more committed to Sanguine now. I want to see things for how they are, not what my old wounds are telling me. I want to be able to make better decisions weighed out based on actual scenarios vs imagined things in my head. And I’m really tired of holding onto anger, rejecting people before they reject me, and so on.

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#143

Messed up dreams on sanguine. Weird stuff. Barely remember it but I was in a group of people and we were all being planned on tortured and killed. Limbs just sawed off, run over by vehicles, not sure what else. The theme of it was definitely escape. But the weird part about it was the backdrop of it wasn’t ominous, just mundane kind of rural or even tranquil woodsy environment. Just a stark contrast between peaceful nature and getting killed.

I guess that kinda mirrors my own life. I’m doing pretty well for myself in terms of safety and security, but I don’t feel it. I never particularly felt safe but couldn’t put my finger on it. But after accepting I was transgender it made sense. And then after presenting outwardly more I just started feeling it more. I’m lucky I don’t have to hide who I am just to survive, but I know some parts of this country aren’t like that and I think it’s absolutely terrible.

Just still trying to navigate all this I guess. How do I feel safe? Like personally, what needs to change in my own life to feel that? I wanted to pass after being on hrt for a while, but I have to accept that might not be a possibility and how does my life look after that? There’s nothing I want more than to just blend in as a woman, but that also comes with it’s own level of pressure and anxiety on myself. Just got my fingers crossed HOT can help me utilize my subconscious to work magic on my physical body and get past these fear based limitations.

#144

Decided to give intuitive listening a shot. I’m throwing out the pressure to always hit a certain amount of time on my listening days. It makes sense, for me at least. Like micro looping, that additional exposure isn’t gonna do much. Same deal with exposure within those micro loops. If I’m stressed and can only listen to 1 min that’s better than pushing to 2 minutes. I can’t utilize that extra exposure because my mind wasn’t ready for it. So some days 45 seconds others 2 min, doesn’t matter whatever my body tells me. That’s how I’m gonna listen to subs from now on.

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#145

Ok new stack

HOT
Genesis

Lets try 2 subs for a bit instead of 3. Did I really just go full circle and start at the same stack I started this journal with minus the genesis custom? lol

I think this will be good for me. Genesis has everything I need at this stage in my life it’s the perfect sub for me right now.

Also

Also not putting the sub names in the title of the topic lol, I’ve learned enough by now that hardly sticks around.

Wise words past me, you’re learning well lol

When I get my life sorted and need some extra oomph I’ll switch over to Ascension for Women. Pretty much starting my life over again, lets make it amazing for myself.

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#146

Was listening to some of my collection of unreleased stuff from back in 2016. Really rough around the edges but it had a lot of character. I miss it. I miss being in the music like that. Difficulties of life took me away from that but I’d like to get back into it.

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#147

So as soon as I decided to run Genesis my mind went to my music setup and how to optimize. Tackle all the recurring inconvenient things and get things all smooth. I’m excited. Among them is an open source patch editor for kawaii k1, an old as dirt digital synth that hurts to program sounds on. But this editor will let me use my tablet which is gonna open up the door for so much more sound exploration.

Also trying to figure out how to route my devices to my MPC and also my tablet so I can store and change patches on the fly. It’s the incredibly easy things I miss not using a DAW but the minimal focused approach is 100% necessary for my squirrelly brain.

Then gonna start experimenting with live performances by triggering loops I’ve made and compose that way. Like the old techno and house producers. I would love to perform for a crowd one day, but I need some confidence in my skills. But I really like the idea of it.

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#148

Ok yeah that’s pretty crazy. I was on Genesis for a while before. Now that I’m thinking about running it again I can feel my brain neural pathways fire off. I have this feeling of excitement and energy. I think there’s something about just knowing in the back of my head that Genesis covers a lot, I don’t have to worry, it does something for me. And I had some absolutely amazing moments with Genesis in the past that I’m excited for again.

My confidence was up today. I banged out a few tasks at my job I’ve been meaning to tackle. I was able to detach from the usual stuff that would suck me in and cause me to lose sight of what’s really important. I don’t think it was ascension for women because I’ve been running that for a bit now and this is distinctly Genesis flavored energy.

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#149

Sounds like you have great momentum going I’m excited for you, looks like Genesis is just perfect right now!

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#150

I just browsed through suno and udio for AI music generation. Got me heated. I won’t go into that rant, but I know my music was stolen to train the machine learning. That’s what these tech startups do, they scrape and steal, and there’s no repercussions.

#151

I ran I think 3 minutes of Genesis today. It was like picking up where i left off, didn’t have to start at 30s or anything. I’m getting better at being able to tell when to shut off a sub while listening and I’ve reached my peak.

But the theme of exploration in Genesis, that’s where I’m at. When I first started my gender transition I was trying to plan and get everything right. I really thought I could just take a massive step over the intensely awkward phase of rediscovering a long lost part of myself. I would rather embarrass myself, learn, and grow vs being hell bent on trying to get things so perfect I avoid that. Let me live, let me be human, let me make mistakes, and let me not give a single crap about what others think of me going through that experience.

I did some serious re-evaluation with my job. I decided that I leave this place when I’m ready to leave and there’s no rush. I can use the security of it right now to help me build myself into a stronger person. I can enforce my boundaries to push back on ridiculous workloads or expectations, I can say no. I have a lot more power in this situation than I’ve been willing to grace myself with. If I need to dial things back, I can do that. I have NEVER had anyone tell me I’m not doing a good job at this company, I just feared it so I worked myself into the ground. And even if this new change of pace gives me flack, they won’t fire me or anything.

This is real internal power to me. Taking any situation and making it work. For a lot of my life I tried to hit ideals or magic scenarios devoid of conflict. That’s just not life. Building myself up so I can enter any scenario and come out on top for myself is the goal now. That gives me so much more flexibility for life itself and a sense of calm that I can overcome obstacles, that’s better than any ideal scenario that checks all the right boxes.

#152

Two days ago I watched Kendrick’s popup concert for Juneteenth. Energy of it was insane. Rekindled my absolute love for hip hop and beat making. My biggest issue is and always has been I can’t stay in one genre. So I’m gonna be blending them all I guess.

I’ve always been into jungle/drumnbass which are breaks sped up. But breaks are heavily used in hip hop too, so it’s all connected. And then the deep sub bass has roots in Dub. Out in Jamaica they knew how to get people to move with that bass.

So what I’m actually kind of dealing with now is how I was raised. I grew up in a white suburban neighborhood, my parents had internalized racism. I’m realizing that now. Not bigots, just very isolated. Very “stick to these people mentality” and division. That invisible caste system. I’m unpacking all that now because like it or not those beliefs made their way into my brain. Knowing what I know about both my parents, I didn’t escape that unconscious programming.

But anyway. All that to say I’ve always had a love for hip hop that I couldn’t fully align with because of stuff like that being heavily judged by both my parents. I wasn’t allowed to explore that. Creative blocks can show up in the weirdest of ways.

#153

An actual synth, or are you using a VST?

What the FUCK? Should you be outraged, and maybe a bit flattered? :grin:

What are your thoughts about looking for LGBTQ+ events, venues, bars, etc.?

#154

Actual! I’m all hardware. I like knowing my tools inside and out or at least I try to lol

Nahhhhh not really flattered, it just got hoovered up along with anyone else that’s published stuff on streaming platforms. Same thing happened with art, they just scrapped their machine learning data from deviantart. I think for the music they’re scraping YouTube and SoundCloud. I’m just in a sea of other musicians who have had their music stolen so a tech startup can profit. I am upset because they build these things off the hard work of individuals who dedicate a lot of time and energy into their craft and aren’t compensated or given an opt out clause.

So I’ve been thinking about that. I want to and I will be going to some in the near future if the events seem up my alley. At the same time I also recognize they’re all just people and having things labeled LGBTQ+ isn’t any real indication of it being safe. I guess this would be the calculated risk part of Genesis that would help me out with that. But yeah I have an issue with groups in general and how they can sometimes portray a false sense of safety.

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#155

Before I can be strong I have to learn and accept what difficulties might lie before me and acknowledge those. Lately I’ve felt like the lines have blurred between victim mentality vs the very real problems I can face being transgender in this world.

I watched a documentary last night on trans representation in the media. It explained a lot of my subconscious fears and shame. Older media was terrible and by older I mean 90s and 2000s. Everywhere you turned trans women were like the butt of a joke or some trope in a show where they were either murdered or died. I grew up watching media systematically teaching me it wasn’t ok to be who i was and it was dangerous.

It was eye opening. And I realized I still have to do a lot more accepting of myself. But like I said in the LB thread I find that hard to do directly. So I’m running HOT to get me further away from that internal representation I have of the media. Every time I don’t see myself pass it triggers a flood of all that past shit. But I understand that’s MY past and the present is so different.

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#156

Day 4 of no caffeine and trying to fuel my body with water only. This sucks. But I told myself no more caffeine, It’s bad for me. It causes me to dissociate from my emotions further. I found myself reaching for something high in caffeine when I wanted to numb out because things were difficult. My body screaming we need to slow down and take it easy, but my mind saying we’re not allowed to and everyone else around us expects us to perform too.

I just want to do right by me. I think the hard part for me is there’s always been something I struggle with that introduced dysfunction in my life. I was able to put it aside and get stuff done. I can’t do that anymore. But that’s how it needs to be, it’s good and bad. It’s not ideal. Life is messy.

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#157

Was thinking of window of tolerance and how that pertains to subs. For a bit I was stopping my loops at the first sign of emotional distress. But today I tried to sit with it and allow it until it really felt like I should stop. 3 minutes on Genesis and HOT that’s where I naturally stopped my loop. I feel like I am growing in my ability to process my emotions.

Other than that spoiled myself shopping for some makeup. Legit I never do self care, never knew how. But I care about my appearance so much more now, just for the sake of taking care of myself. Before my body was this thing that got me from point a to b, but now I feel connected to it in a way I haven’t felt before.

Still haven’t made my tweaks to my music workstation. I’m just going through a lot. I did do some cleaning around my place and that made me feel better.

I decided to stay longer at my job and use it as a security cushion while I keep expanding myself. I felt guilty for not getting a new job and searching, but honestly that’s not what I need right now. Yeah it’s tough here, I’ve already been battling the dysphoria of people using my old name. But it affords me safety and as long as I set my boundaries I’ll be ok. There’s nothing wrong with stepping stones to change. It doesn’t have to be all some hugely brave leap or assertion of confidence. I’ve struggled with anxiety all my life, instead of ya know doing things to help me overcome it I just beat myself over the head with my shortcomings and made my life harder. Taking that pressure off myself I’m finding myself able to relax more and just enjoy life

I’m settling into myself. There’s a sense of calm in me, I don’t have to fight my natural expression anymore. I still battle with little blips of anxiety because honestly I’m into some pretty feminine stuff. Normal stuff for a woman, but having lived so long as a male and all the conditioning of “you shouldn’t do that” it’s been hard to just let go and allow myself to experience it.

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#158

I’m reminding myself every day this is a journey. I don’t have the answers and I’m still exploring myself. My life path is different so it makes no sense to compare myself to others.

I’ve really had to let go of everything I thought I knew about myself. In hindsight I always felt lost but that fear of letting go is because I knew deep down where it would lead and I wasn’t ready to address that. I still don’t have a clear picture, but I can feel the core of who I am slowly making herself known to the world.

It’s the little things. My self talk uses my new name. A few months ago I was worried that would never feel natural. My voice has changed, I’ve been doing voice training but also there’s an internal shift where it’s flipped and my old voice is now effort to maintain. I still slip up every now and again because of conditioned behavior. Or like on this forum, I spent so much time trying to drill masculine stuff into my head just writing posts here triggers that. My internal speaking voice is different now too. These are all things I’ve been consciously working towards but a lot of the anchors are subconscious beliefs and habits.

The other day I noticed I was feeling bad with who I am. But I flipped it around and told myself I’m a unique and beautiful individual. Other people might not think that, but I know who I am. If individuals like me weren’t meant to exist we wouldn’t be here.

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#159

Very important truth we all need to remind ourselves of everyday.

We have chosen our challenges before we came into this life, the specific kind of suffering and experiences we go through have meaning, Life is not a random stupid thing, we are all working towards a common goal for humanity and people like you are doing an amazing and brave job for the expansion of consciousness and breaking of older rigid structures of identity.

So thank you for your service and I also thank every human being seemingly good and bad for their service to our world.

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#160

This is actually quite profound, and I’m wondering if you just blew the whistle.

Would you please comment more about this because that seems to be the implication with these events (e.g., safety, automatic acceptance, instant community)?

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