Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#121

Want to run vibes so friggin badly. I started a track a few days ago, got some inspiration, hit a wall, then put it away. And maybe it’s LB helping me with this but I feel it’s better to step away when the super critical thoughts come in about the music. I constantly hit these moments where I’m not hearing the music correctly. All I hear is the flaws and shortcomings and the comparison to fully completed tracks I admire. Which makes zero sense because you can’t judge a WIP against something that’s already had a bunch of time dedicated to it.

But one thing is for certain, there was a spark for me. I woke up, ate, felt that familiar calling to create. I was planning on cleaning my place but I felt my intuition tell me to just start and forget about the other stuff. I feel like I reopened the door and I’ll be getting back into it soon. It’s been a while.

#122

I’m in disbelief sometimes that I’m getting to live the life I want. This was literally only a fantasy for the longest time in my life. I honestly keep expecting to wake up. All the horrible nasty reactions I imagined for years, I got the exact opposite and it’s been overwhelming. I’ve never been so happy in my life sometimes I don’t know what the hell to do so I just cry lol.

I’ve been having a shift lately too. One where I stop looking for proof of something externally before I just explore it myself. Like HOT, I find myself asking will this even work for me? But instead I just focus on giving myself what I want and let the experience itself show me what’s possible or not, not some arbitrary collection of life experiences. Besides now that I’m running LB I find myself thinking “does this make me feel good? Yes? Then give it to yourself and forget all the other bs that stands in the way of it”

It can be scary sometimes not knowing an outcome, not knowing what’s possible or not. But I can’t know if I don’t try. And I definitely feel for most of my life waiting until I know something is possible before exploring it leads to a very constricted experience of life. Being bold, forging my own path instead of following the well worn ones, that’s what I’m trying to cultivate now. My own personal life trajectory that’s right for me because I design it for myself.

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#123

Something that kicked off some growth in me. I switched to my better headphones and stopped being lazy with my more comfy ones. I noticed way more noticeable results for myself. I’m now gonna be even less lazy and get a laptop hooked up to my studio monitors for a really clear signal chain. I’ve got the equipment, I might as well capitalize on it.

This will be interesting. I’ve never actually tested speakers vs headphones consistently. In general I much prefer the sound of speakers, feels more natural when i listen to music. Wondering if that’ll translate somehow to the subs. We’ll see

#124

Spoke to HR today at my company. We’re doing an announcement email about my pronouns and preferred name. Once I do this I can finally stop feeling like there’s an anchor holding me back. I’m still gonna take things slow and remind myself this journey is for ME and exploring and understanding myself, not an exercise in fitting in to make other people comfortable.

I can say with absolute certainty this is some of the hardest stuff I’ve ever done. But I’m getting closer to my authentic self. Yesterday I talked to myself in the mirror and I felt safe. And as I looked back at myself I feel like I saw myself for the first time ever. It was surreal. Actually recognizing a reflection as me, despite looking physically different than what I’ve known for years. It goes beyond understanding and I just know and at this point that’s good enough for me.

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#125

Unpacking so much lately. Also been thinking about the unending pressure to conform to certain paths.

I know a lot of people want to own a business or make a lot of money. I just don’t have the energy for it. What’s the point? Yeah financial problems suck but being tethered to a thing you have to babysit or sink energy into to have freedom seems backwards. Unless you truly enjoy it.

I’m just really tired. I spent so much of my life doing the “correct” things and it made me absolutely miserable.

I’m redefining what wealth is in my head. Not just the monetary value. Well being over money. If I can get both? Absolutely. But moving forward it’s always going to be my well being first.

I think the only type of business I’d be inclined to run would be creating music for licensing purposes.

A lot of people say it’s better to work for yourself than other people. But even when you work for yourself you can fall into the trap of getting jerked around like a puppet if you’re being motivated by fear, scarcity, and comfort.

First things first, new job for myself. Free of all the bs that comes with having to be top of the game or having a ridiculous set of skills. I’m so burned out by tech and businesses acting like you need to know everything under the sun. Just give me something chill that I can do, I don’t derive my self worth by pats on the back from a CEO or status in a company. There’s a difference between taking pride in your work vs emulating a parental validation seeking model. That second one I swear some businesses lean into in order to get what they want out of people. Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously they know what strings to pull. Some of them aren’t insightful enough to realize results <> efficiency. So they just keep doing what “works” but are horribly toxic.

#126

There’s a difference between being strong and independent vs not knowing how to ask for help or get support. More and more I’m realizing I fall into the second group. I don’t like being vulnerable, I don’t like being dependent on others. But it’s harming my potential relationships.

I also realized I still have anxiety showing up as myself. I just have this little spike of anxiety. Then I have to remind myself it’s ok to be myself. And it’s been a whole back and forth with that. Despite having loving people in my life, I still struggle a lot. I know this is part of my growth though, this is years of shame, guilt, fear, all never addressed or soothed in any way. I’m not a stranger to those, but this time around it feels like I found the source and it’s not just some cyclical vague thing. The upside, I have clear intent on how to be kinder to myself. The downside, it really hurts at times.

The full weight of letting my job know hit me yesterday and I’ve just been grappling with it. It’s gonna be a relief not feeling the need to hide anymore. At the same time being me 24/7 is an absolutely terrifying thing right now. I know that’s all down to exposure and getting used to it. It’s expected. Obviously in my own apartment it’s peaceful, but out in the world its difficult. But better to learn how to be myself now than keep waiting just for fear of what others think.

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#127

I was never much of a Neville Goddard follower but I did read some of his books. 2 things in my head that I’ve been thinking about.

Circumstances don’t matter. After making a lot of mistakes in my own life, I’ve realized relying on past history to formulate your future is severely flawed. I think it takes a lot of mental power to blatantly disregard circumstances of the past and what shaped your worldview to cultivate something new. I just don’t think that’s how the bulk of humans operate given it goes against survival in every way. So it makes sense it’s a skill to be acquired. I’ll say this, I think Neville had a profound understanding of something deeper within himself and shared that through words. It’s why you’ll see a Neville subreddit flooded with people posting reminders and trying to convince themselves of the teachings to attain results. Too surface level, they haven’t cracked that deeper layer of what reality is.

Second one is when Neville says to ignore the physical or 3d. There’s an incubation period with inception of ideas before they manifest in reality. I’ve witnessed this myself. I’ve come up with the theory that this can be a huge source of miscommunication for people. They are influenced by someone or something, it takes a while for it to imprint on them, by that time they assume the influential event or person has passed but it intermingles with their current life. Those less aware of the inner workings of their mind unconsciously project that into their interactions with others. I’m not even using manifestation in the more esoteric sense here, I mean literally a buffer period. Much like I’ve seen with the subliminals.

But as fun as it is to ponder this stuff, what’s the practical application for me here? To me it just boils down to be the exception. People will say what is or isn’t possible, use statistics, use past proof, use popular opinion to explain the nature of reality. Being the exception means allowing all that to not influence my own goals. Is it easy? Hell no. It’s essentially relying on blind faith which is scary. But I think it’s important sometimes to run with that blind faith because it’s the only way to break out of the mold of existing limitations. Limitations that are only true for me but don’t effect another person. So really how solidified or real are those limitations really?

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#128

Had my second laser hair removal appointment today. While chatting with the tech we were talking about transition and growth in general. She used “ever changing” there was a pause and I swear I expected the title of my journal lol. Things have been way more aligned for me lately, it’s been so bizarre.

Other thing most noticeable for me lately. I’m really starting to ponder my sexuality. Things are kind of starting to click for me. What’s most natural to me vs what I want. It’s kind of been giving me a crisis ngl. Cuz I’m really starting to wonder if I’ve been forcing myself to be more attracted to women for most of my life. Trying to just let things go where they do, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bring up some fear.

#129

On the subject of fear. I still get bouts of hopelessness, dread, fear. But lately I see those as indications of upcoming growth and new perspectives and experiences. I think while my subconscious is cooking in the background my conscious doesn’t always get to see it, so it gets anxious. It’s a good sign, it doesn’t feel good but it means I’m pushing my comfort zone.

Overall I feel like since I’ve started my transition it’s like my mind has this energy to it. Before it was a singular obsessive focus on fixing something. Now it feels like I can actually use it as a tool in several different directions. My mind just works better. Subs are easier to run, I keep making steady progress, and for the first time in my life I understand what it means to live authentically.

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#130

On my five day rest and things are hitting. Oh boy are they hitting.

After collecting all the courage to come out at my job about being transgender, I learned they had no policies in place for it. So I’m effectively in limbo until they sort that out and I have no idea when that’ll be because this org is pure chaos and disorganization.

I’ve been up and down at this place. Some days I feel disrespected, some days I get along, some days I feel like nobody hears me or values my opinions, some days I have to be the villain just to enforce boundaries. I’m tired of it and you know what? It makes me really sad. It’s dysfunctional family dynamics all over again and it hurts.

Im trying to learn to navigate with assertiveness and self love for myself without devolving into a triggered fight response. Those trauma responses suck. I mostly do not act out, but the amount of self restraint and control I have to use is tiring.

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#131

Funny thing happened. I was nearing the end of my day, slowly losing steam. I have so much I’m processing lately. I couldn’t do any work so I asked my boss if I could just head out early. He said give it a few more minutes and if no emergencies you can head out. Well I was sitting there, just on the verge of tears. Then HR calls me and asks to talk about how I want to go about announcing everything to the company. We talk for a bit and she recommended going through with a more stepped approach, just starting with managers and department heads and just taking things slow. And she was saying how she cared about my comfort and preventing people from criticizing or disrespecting me in any way. She was fully on board for going with my plan, but then she went through the list of things that make this so scary. And every single one she picked out I was thinking of, she read my mind. And then I felt myself be honest with myself and what I needed. Did I really need to be super confident and courageous to prove something? No

That’s when I realized something. I was trying to prove to myself I didn’t have those insecurities, that I was strong and confident, that I’d be bold, make a radical transformation. But none of that was true. I’m afraid, uncomfortable, dealing with sadness, parts of my body upset me. And I just didn’t take the time to tell myself it was ok to feel like that.

If I’m honest I feel wrong and it’s the most painful fucking thing in the world. Years of trying to be something else I’m not, I can’t just dismiss that with some logic about how being transgender is valid. I understand on an intellectual level why it is, but I don’t feel it for myself. There’s just a lot of pain here and I know I just have to feel it and validate it and that’s it. The hatred from others can only hurt me if I hold that hatred within myself.

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#132

An important lesson I learned today. Just because there’s a positive outcome doesn’t mean it can’t be based in people pleasing. Never stop observing where decisions come from.

Other than that. Just been crying a lot. More than I’ve done in the past 8 years of my life. I’ll say what I told my therapist tonight. I told her it makes me sad that I know there’s something better than this loneliness and isolation, but I just struggle with getting there.

But it’s good. I’m starting to want to show the full range of emotions and myself around the people I love. No holding back who I am or what I feel. That’s the goal. I recognize that’s not gonna be a light switch. But I’m not hiding anymore.

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#133

Switched all my accounts at work today to reflect my new name, still haven’t gone through the legal change but holy crap what a relief. Actually way more than I anticipated. Not having to look at my birth name everywhere, I just feel better. Also showed up to work dressed a little more feminine today.

It’s been tough with the people pleasing behavior though. I find myself wanting to just be more of myself, but i have this hesitation that I still need to be a certain way for other people in my life. It’s probably just a lot of fear. I formed all these relationships with people, but now it’s all different. I know there are parts of me that are still the same in some ways, but there are other parts that are new that nobody has seen before. As much as I want to hold onto all my relationships, it’s important I don’t be what other people expect just to make sure I still have those relationships.

It’s scary for me. And of course I fear losing people even if all the evidence has shown me they’re supportive. But I guess that’s the nature of learning to live authentically, I can’t really know how things will unfold from here.

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#134

Life is finite, it doesn’t stretch forever. Sometimes it feels like I have plenty of time, sometimes it doesn’t.

No more getting caught in other people’s bs or just complacently following a routine. The weeks pass by and I’m left waiting for a better future. But waiting isn’t living.

I’m so used to just accepting the entirety of life is just a grey blob. No color, no life, just got a few high points but overall is mundane and a grind. After starting my transition I have so much more appreciation for my life and my place in this world I didn’t get before. I remind myself it’s only been a little over 2 months for me so it’s still going to take time to unfold.

I might not have a set path or grand idea. But I’ve realized sometimes filling your life with more ease and agreement goes a long way towards appreciating life itself and not getting caught up in the material world. The material world has a lot of hooks and influences to rope you in. I think it’s really important for me if I’m going for a goal to recognize it’s the peak experience, but not the be all end all of life

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#135

NSE is wild.

After my appointment with my therapist last Thurs and expressing how difficult I find it to reach out and connect, I hit up my best friend the next day after I got home from work. He said he was planning on texting me even before that came through and my younger brother was gonna hang too.

We all met up, ate at a diner, then hit up the park to skate. It’s been a while all three of us hung out. When we were younger we used to skate all day every day. Even though I was trash at skating the other day, just being with them and doing something we used to do all the time made me so happy. It made me realize for me life with the people I love shouldn’t have gaps in connection. Yeah cherish the good moments, but I find myself often worrying that others will get bored of me if we hang out too much. That’s a limiting belief I have to squash.

I stayed the night at my friend’s place. Opened up more about my struggles. He told me I need to forgive myself for the past and said it’s ok I didn’t transition earlier in my life. And that I just need to love myself now as much as possible. That there’s so much time I still have to enjoy life and appreciate. He also struggles with his past in a different way but we relate.

#136

Finding out more and more that my struggles are both internal but also other people. When people treat me poorly I have a tendency to think I did something wrong. Instead of looking at them and what they did and taking care of myself I just nitpick my flaws and hold responsibility for it. Could I be more assertive? Absolutely. When people mistreat me is it my fault I wasn’t assertive enough? No. And I hate that concept. “Oh you should have stood up for yourself”. No how about people practice common decency and empathy instead? I recognize I need to work on my confidence and assertiveness for my own well being but I won’t hold myself at fault for the crappy actions of others.

#137

I bumped up my listening to 2 minutes. Still on the fence, didn’t exactly have a unbiased judgement on that one.

I reached out to my HR department yesterday because I had a feeling nobody was informed of my name and pronouns change. It was in the California office, hr is amazing out there. Here? I’m made to feel like an inconvenience. I got no correspondence, no follow up, and when I reached out she says it was already discussed with me. No attempt to answer my question or figure out the best way to proceed, it was incredibly dismissive.

And of course I know hr is for the company. But I think there are individuals in positions like that and they care. That trope of hr not being your friend isn’t a universal fact. But this shit broke me. On top of the two minutes exposure yesterday, that one opened up deep emotional neglect wounds and I had a migraine develop from me being emotionally a wreck and trying to stuff it down to get work done. I took off today because fuck that shit I wasn’t about to force myself to go into work today.

I took a leap of faith. My department has been amazing. But yeah I’m immeasurably disappointed in how this was handled on my office’s side of thing.

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#138

I had a moment today at my job where I just got annoyed. A presentation device wasn’t working and it came through as an emergency. Nobody on my team responded because I was in a meeting with one of them and I also was occupied so I didn’t ping my remote hand. But one little set of circumstances, timing, luck, we kill it every other day. But the CEO just happens to be around this one day and now the impression is we’re all slacking. But what annoys me is the high reactivity. The fear of not performing well and then the CEO passing judgement, the sheer panic that has a trickle down effect onto everybody in its path. I don’t want that in my life, I don’t want impatient, panicky, non level headed people that make things difficult. It gets tiring, it’s stressful, and I build silent resentment. I don’t like giving away my power like that, it’s an abusive dynamic.

I think about what @Malkuth said about caricatures. I remind myself these are people with depths to them, I just glimpse this overly obvious part. So I refrain from judging them as a person as much as possible and try to keep in mind the behavior I don’t like. I can hate the behavior while understanding they are a person. But that doesn’t mean they get a free pass to continue behaving like that.

Dysfunctional toxic work environments suck. For 2 reasons. 1 is you don’t understand the person as a whole, yet that’s how in fighting starts. People assuming they know what a person is like solely based on what their job is. 2 is as hard as you might try to be a good person, it has a tendency to bring out the worst in you too. I am not proud of some of the thoughts that cross my mind here. But today I realized I don’t want this job turning me into a person I despise, I need to get out.

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#139

Got sucked back into energy drinks. Not every day, but like a midweek pick me up. Still would like to not have caffeine at all or very very limited amounts. I decided yesterday that was it, I’m going to commit to this. I feel 1000x better without caffeine, less anxiety, more energy, my metabolism ramps up. And the only reason I do drink it is to make it through my day. But making it through days shouldn’t be the goal, I need to start addressing what’s got me reaching for it. If it’s the job and I can’t do this anymore I need to stop artificially fueling my body to give them something they need vs what I need. I know this is a big piece of learning to process my emotions and use that as growth. Otherwise this continual cycle will put me in limbo.

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#140

Since I started a new cycle I decided to swap out LB for Sanguine. Pros and cons list and using the right tool for the job to reach my goals.

LB Pros

  • Building more self love
  • Manifesting positive circumstances and moving out of toxic situations
  • Really profound inner look at myself and deep exploration
  • Deeper connections with people in my life
  • Very deep identity level changes/shifts

LB Cons

  • Very energy intensive/disruptive
  • Direct love energy is still not tolerated well by me
  • Has a tendency to bring me to very vulnerable states. This can be the equivalent of ripping open a wound in an unsterile environment and inviting in infection (toxic work place)
  • Possibly not able to be used in a 3 title stack, or has to be used at a reduced capacity which doesn’t give me enough focused benefits from it
  • Absolutely terrifying to deeper parts of my subconscious
  • Has a sort of downshifting effect, I could see this working better in a more stable environment for myself

Sanguine Pros

  • Being able to disconnect from chaos, drama, negative influence. This is huge because sometimes it takes time to make changes to get out of environments
  • Physical calm and relaxation. I’ve always been activated, feeling unsafe, unable to settle. Being able to tap into restorative states of mind would do a lot for helping myself
  • Major life change I’m going through. Need all the inner stability and self trust I can get.
  • Removing the influence of opinionated people from my life. I’m changing my whole gender presentation despite clearly still not passing and didn’t want the opinions of others holding me back from being myself
  • “Lighter” title, could help me execute HOT and Ascension better and overall make tolerating a 3 stack easier
  • Immediately able to take action on this because every day is a challenge for me right now

Sanguine Cons

  • Relaxation induced anxiety. The more at ease I get, the more panic can set in sometimes. Quiet, peace, can be a trigger for something brewing in the background. Need to be mindful of that
  • Potential for me to keep bulldozing away because “it’s not that bad” vs making deeper changes in my life. More of a fear, no real indication this would happen

From this list I think Sanguine is the best pivot point for me right now. I’ve realized with these subs the ideal isn’t always the best. For what I hope to achieve in the next 90 days.

  • Start a new job with a higher pay and better environment with low stress
  • Move closer to my best friend and find a nicer apartment to live in
  • Let go of the male persona I developed over the years and be open to my authentic self. Right now I still use that as a shield for safety
  • Keep exploring my own self expression with how I present myself day to day
  • Get more in shape and find a workout that gives me energy and helps me feel better about my body. Also start consistently skateboarding again without any pressure to be “good” at it
  • Write more music and enjoy it