Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#101

There’s so much stuff I criticize myself for. My lack of growth with my music, my confidence, my looks, my ability to make money, my ability to leave or find new jobs, my intelligence, the list is a mile long. And for a lot of my life the approach has been achieve and fix these things then feel good about myself. Don’t love myself first otherwise I’ll get complacent and lazy and never achieve anything.

Even writing this post I’m thinking “you’re just running away from the responsibilities of Phoenix”. But you know, going through my transition I’ve realized something. Self growth through pain and what I SHOULD do, is rarely ever for the benefit of me and more for appeasing some outside critical eye. So yeah if I pump the brakes for a bit on Phoenix and focus on filling myself with love? I think that’s ok. Even if I’m not doing incredible things, I mean what’s the point if you don’t even like yourself?

So this cycle coming up I’m swapping out Phoenix for LB. And I’m giving myself a break. That means if I don’t write a ton of music? It’s ok. If I don’t cultivate more skills for my career? Also ok. If I have trouble being fully confident in myself? It’s ok. Picking away one by one these lifelines I have a tendency to cling onto to justify my self worth and moving towards an internal sense of self worth that doesn’t fluctuate based on outside circumstances. I need this, more than ever now that I’m not numbed out and disconnected from myself.

The foundation was never set, then I built on top of it. And I’m not saying what I built isn’t good or helpful, but it’s not a substitute for what I’m lacking. And I 100% know from experience how much easier I am to manipulate when I don’t have that internal self love for myself.

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#102

Been slamming energy drinks to make it through work lately. 2 days ago I dropped them again and I felt like garbage. One good thing that came of it though, I realized I personally didn’t want to drink those energy drinks. I drank them to be productive and for the sake of my job more than my own mental health. Yeah they got me through my day and temporarily that makes things easier because I don’t have to battle with the “you’re not doing enough here” thoughts. But long term it’ll cost me. I need to figure out some kind of substitute. Part of it is also that sometimes that drink is like my lifeline for the day, the only thing that gets me through the idea of working at this job. Now it’s good to have things that help you out and give you a little boost through the week, but there’s gotta be something that gives me a boost AND benefits me.

I haven’t run LB yet this week, but it feels like the focus has been on self love in my mind. I realized that I need to start treating my body better. I’m literally compromising my own health for other people and it needs to stop. I hate it. I’ve got so much going on in my life and how it’s changing, there’s no way in hell work is going to take priority over that.

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#103

Similar situation here. I’ve been slamming Mini-Thin’s this week just so I can make it through the chaos 🤷

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#104

Ran Ascension Chamber today. Giving this another shot, a lot has changed for me. I actually have some pretty solid goals and directions for myself I could use refinement on.

A few minutes right after AC I decided I should create a vision board. My mind is wild, strays from paths, blows in the wind, is afraid to commit. I know holding a vague idea or picture in my head of what I want isn’t the way to go. I know this will sort of anchor me down and keep me focused. Also just in general fill my head with what I DO want vs what I don’t.

Since starting HOT I’ve changed a lot in my mindset of what needs to change. When I first started I was hell bent on a complete shift away from my face. But now I’m looking at it more like, what features can I enhance and accept as my own unique type of beauty? I’m still battling with dysphoria from my more male characteristics, but I think I’m gonna do some more research in facial dimorphism so I’m not going down spirals of self loathing over features that aren’t as bad as I perceive them to be.

Really I’m just coming to terms with how I didn’t get a chance to see myself develop from a young age to really have that link between my physical and my mind. But I won’t let that stop me. They say hormones aren’t as effective in your 30s, but they’re not also using physical shifting subs so I’ve got my fingers crossed I can hit a point where what I see in the mirror feels like myself.

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#105

One day soon I hope I’m able to go to sleep at night without dreading the next day. This job has got to go, I’m convinced more than ever. I’m still friends with my former boss and he basically confirmed I’m not crazy, that this place is an abusive relationship. From now on it’s clear yes or no vibes. None of this wishy washy maybe I’m just not seeing it from their side bs. I’ve been an apologist for others behavior for too long. Next place I find is gonna treat me right or they’re out.

Overall I’m trying to destroy these limiting beliefs that say I have to be best of the best, top of my game, super skilled worker just to meet cost of living and be comfortable in life. GIve me a chill job, where I get paid, and where people don’t collectively lose their shit because they’re all stressed. None of this is fulfilling to me down to my soul. I lied to myself for years and thought I could gaslight myself into accepting things but I just don’t care. I really don’t. The only reason I did is because me looking like i was caring made it seem like I was better at my job, gave me more money, or got me some form of approval for doing a good job. I was just playing the game, but I don’t want to play that game anymore because it’s a bunch of rules created by someone else and a bunch of “because I told you so and you have to”.

Ascension for Women is definitely hitting. I remember this feeling from when I used to run Ascension. I needed this.

#106

Ran 30s of LB today.

Prior to this I touched on something with my therapist yesterday. It made me realize I’m still kind of messed up. And I don’t mean that in a negative disparaging way, I just mean it’s not as simple as I thought it was.

It’s not clear yet, but it hurts. A large part of it was having this poor idea of what emotional validation is and how skewed it is for me. What I perceived as needy might just be a healthy level of emotional openness, sharing, and connection. That really hit me hard. I thought I was seeing behaviors accurately but it’s my own internal biases painting a picture. And my judgement upon others. Some hardcore projection going on there.

But I’m glad I can see it or had it pointed out to me. That shows me I still have plenty of self love I need to give myself. Feel like a terrible person for having these perceptions of others because they trigger core wounds in me.

#107

An intriguing idea. Running AC.

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#108

Subliminal recon is interesting. But you know what’s even more? When someone shines a light on something you couldn’t see in person.

My friend did this a day ago. It’s been swirling in my head. After explaining my difficulty and how I’m trying to figure out who I really am she looked at me and said I think you know who you are, you’re just still afraid to be it fully.

And she’s right. My sleight of hand distraction for offsetting perceived scary things has always been adding complexity where there is none. It’s like an advanced procrastinating of my mind. It is hard no doubt, but that does not necessarily equate to complex. I create emotional distance from people by intentionally obscuring myself, not because of an actual state of being that’s permanent. I only saw it as permanent because there was a sense of comfort there having an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to venture into the depths of vulnerability and connection. LB is hitting here because how can I ever have a connection with people if I can’t connect with myself? It’s all related.

I’m hurting pretty bad, I’m not gonna lie. But I’m allowing it to be there. Being myself really is the greatest thing I could ever do at this point in my life.

#109

New things can be scary. Change can be scary. But I can’t let those fears force me into a life where I’m not thriving. If I change and friends drift away, well that’s just the nature of life. But I know for a lot of my friends our bond is strong. The only way we’d drift apart is if I kept myself closed off and pushed them away, which I’ve done in the past.

So much shit, I’m still working on it. It’s getting better. I’m seeing the influence people have on me at an unconscious level or the patterns that were molded into my mind without me realizing.

Perfect example. I was catching up with my dad. I told him I’m leaving my company. I have a 1 year exit plan, talked with my boss about it. He was like “what if they kick you out before that and you don’t have anything lined up yet?” Well, then I’ll have a few weeks of vacation I guess. He told me he can’t imagine leaving a company before having something else firmly in place. Yeah he’s right, if I did get let go before I found something else that’s stressful. But it’s doable. I have an emergency fund and I can cut down on expenses because I won’t be blowing my money on gas to get to a job just to make money. But what he said and how he said it just felt like handcuffs, relying on a company or job for security ew no thanks. It’s like the working class is groomed to be overly reliant on a company that will take care of them financially, that’s some awful power dynamics setting you up for abuse and manipulation. I do my best to take control of my own life nowadays and make sure nobody has that kind of leverage over me.

My point being, there are things that trigger other people and project it onto you. Some of them can be reasoned with, others can’t. Luckily my dad was open minded and I explained what working in tech is like and it’s pretty normal for tech workers to bounce after a few years as things stagnate or they stop developing or any number of office politics nonsense they get dragged into that pulls them away from the tech work. He was afraid, which is fine. But he went with the angle of “oh I don’t think you should do that, let me try to persuade you out of it to quell my own anxieties”. Totally oblivious to what he was doing and people do this stuff all the time. I DO THIS STUFF TOO. I’m not immune to it.

This is my life and my choices. Was it dumb laying it out in the open without anything lined up? You know what? Maybe. But I’d rather go out on a limb and try to trust someone than assume. If I get burned from this it’ll be a valuable life lesson. But constantly being on the defensive, thinking everyone is your enemy ready to throw you under the bus or screw you over? Terrible way to live. Instead I tried to take the mature route, explain things aren’t working for me, I don’t feel it’s a good fit anymore, the rest is out of my hands with the level of maturity they reciprocate with.

At the end of the day I don’t want to let fear of anything keep me in situations that suck and diminish my quality of life. Did that all my life for way too long.

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#110

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A few weeks back I randomly flipped to a section of Carl Jungs red book. This is the page I landed on.

A bit crude and rough around the edges, but kind of hilarious too in a dark humor way.

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#111

Weird stuff. I feel like I went back in time now that I’m running Ascension for women. Like I did a big loop and this time around I’m really building up my confidence fully aligned with myself. Whereas before it was like I was building armor around myself to guard, but I wasn’t really “in” life. I ran the original Ascension for a long time, I get the overall flavor of it and I always loved it. Like a “this is how I’m living my life, if that’s an issue that’s a you problem”.

I like this way better than Phoenix. I feel good. Feel safer too. Gonna keep this in mind with subs moving forward. Just because a sub sounds powerful doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right one. I think anything heavily destabilizing, I can’t run those right now. Nothing wrong with just gently building myself up vs trying to completely redefine myself from the inside out.

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#112

Issue popped up at my job with someone’s computer. Long story short the ever so helpful Microsoft bugs encrypted her whole drive. Of course now she couldn’t work and there was a big event promotion going on so people started freaking out. It dawned on me, 2 things really.

  1. A lot of people seem to want good outcomes at this job not for the sake of the business itself, but fear of repercussion. A boss getting upset, a customer getting upset, not making enough money, not getting enough done, not being productive enough, etc. It hangs around me like a disgusting thick smog I can’t escape.

  2. I don’t have to engage in this panic. So I’m not. I’ve got bigger things to think of. I’m checked out. Disconnecting from all this influence in my life, wiping my hands clean, doing my best not to be dragged into this chaos anymore.

I microlooped LB this morning and I was like. You know what? I care about myself way too friggin much to just keep giving to this company. And also it doesn’t feel good here and that’s NOT my fault.

#113

Was driving home yesterday and LB just hit me out of nowhere. It felt like this inner agitation, this running, tension, jitteriness, just got stopped and the real emotions came to the surface. I stopped fighting.

Maybe this shouldn’t have surprised me considering I’m still at the beginning stages of finding myself. But I had this inner feeling of being “wrong”. I’ve had that feeling for years, just a lot of inner guilt and judgement for being transgender. Why couldn’t I just learn to be happy as a guy? Why did I always have these persistent thoughts of wanting to be the other gender? I got so hung up in the hows and whys, I neglected my own needs. For years I told myself getting on hormones wouldn’t be “natural”, I’d be pretending, that I had to figure out some elaborate puzzle to find the “real cause”. I realized yesterday this was the real cause, this is why my mind was always obsessively looking for answers vs living, why I picked apart and dissected every fiber of my being vs being in it.

I realized that my own less than human judgements of myself were coming from me. Sure there’s plenty of outside opinions and judgement on my life choices, but ultimately I have the final say with how I treat myself. And yesterday I told myself I don’t deserve that shit and I’m deserving of love just like everyone else despite my differences. I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t fail or not try hard enough to be a guy.

Something was definitely unlocked for me. It hurts, but I’m getting a HUGE glimpse of why I don’t allow good things into my life. This real feeling of love for myself, not trying to feel love, but genuinely feeling accepting of myself is something really foreign to me. But a lot of that is behind a wall of judgement, shame, and guilt I have to process.

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#114

Something has definitely shifted in me. Up to 2 min HOT, 1 min AFW, and 1 min of AC.

I’ve gone from “oh no my poor little fragile mind can’t handle the power of ZP” to “lets start kicking it up a bit”

It really clicked for me today especially all this discussion about us as individuals being the zero point. What is coming up in me and am I ready to face it? I used to use subliminal recon as a scapegoat, an excuse to just feel bad and wait for it to change. I tried to minimize as much discomfort as possible. But what I’m realizing is that yeah it’s uncomfortable and painful but that’s ME, that’s abandoned emotions and needs. The more of that I bring out, the more growth because i get to truly see myself. I can do this.

I could never run AC. But now, holy crap. Now that I don’t dismiss my emotions or needs, I can feel the amplification from AC on the subs I run.

I want to get to a place where I can look at myself and say “I got you”. That’s what I’m aiming for right now. I’m so goddamn tired of moving through life afraid or getting stuck in tiny pockets of comfort zones that take away from the bigger picture.

Next job I get I’m making it awesome. I’m getting paid what I’m worth, I’m gonna be in a supportive environment that is trans friendly, and I’m not gonna deal with this ambiguous can I trust them or not toxic environment. No more settling. No more feeling like I just have to suck it up and tough it out in something that doesn’t fully benefit me.

I still have my avoidance and wanting to stay planted where it’s safe. But I can sit with myself and acknowledge that fear and choose something better for myself despite it.

I caught myself prioritizing this company’s needs over my own. I’ve been making a list of things I see that need improvements or efficiency. I’m going to cut it down and give them the bare minimum to keep things running smooth and that’s it. I’m also job hunting in the interim, I’m not gonna wait for them to be good until I’m good. None of this is my responsibility anymore. If they want to build out they’ll be hiring someone else, not taking advantage of me.

#115

Now that was some heavy stuff.

I woke up this morning and all my past feelings came to the surface. All the feeling out of place, things being wrong, not understanding what that experience was. I cried, a lot. I’ve felt this way all the way back to being a child. This inner tension and conflict. I also started forgiving myself. Starting my transition at 33, I didn’t do anything “wrong”. I’m happy there are opportunities for kids nowadays to feel safe enough to explore and identify their own unique needs. I think it’s a beautiful thing, to be allowed and encouraged to be yourself. I spent a large portion of my life trying to run from that and listening to all the hatred and fear mongering.

That being said. I’m struggling right now with the idea of acceptance and my body. I don’t want this physical body in its current manifestation. I want to look different. A few posts ago I said I was appreciating features in myself more and not being so radical in how much I want to change. But I’m looking at that now, I think it’s just fear. I wanted the old me at the same time as the new me and that’s not how this works. The old me was safety and comfort, the new me is different but it’s my authentic self. That new me just has a lot of incongruence with her body though. I shouldn’t be confined to this physical state just because I’ve lived in it the longest. That doesn’t mean it’s any more true or “correct”

I don’t know it’s a tough one. People are so quick to criticize for wanting to change physical appearance. All the you should love yourself as you are, you should feel ok, you should embrace your flaws, etc. But when I sit with myself and really listen and shut out those criticisms, I feel a mental map emerge of how i want to look. Surprising amount of limiting beliefs holding me back from physical shifting. It’s like you can absolutely corner yourself into complacency and limitations under the veil of fake self love and acceptance.

All that being said. I’m still just contending with what physical limits exist as far as aspects of change in the human body. I can’t confidently say none. I have my doubts and fears. I worry I won’t get the one thing in my life I care about the most. I seriously haven’t had this much commitment and directed energy towards ANYTHING in my life before. And I’m just holding onto the intent I will get what I want, regardless of external circumstances.

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#116

Just wanted to drop a note in here for myself. AFW is helping me navigate choppy waters at my job.

I had someone put a ticket in the wrong queue. Then they submitted another ticket in the wrong queue again. I asked them to please use the correct channels, they referenced the first ticket they put in which wasn’t supposed to go there and had 0 relevant content to what they needed. Then their manager jumped in the ticket and told me what needed to be done, which I wasn’t having. They can fume and get agitated all they want for not following instructions, but that’s not my problem. Use the proper channels, follow the guidelines we put in place. I was a doormat for so many years just appeasing these people by getting stuff done to avoid conflict, but now I realize if conflict brews that’s them stirring shit up not me and it’s not my fault. And it’s clear as a day how this company isn’t for me, how they refuse to change and just want things their way, which is dysfunctional, impractical, and unscaleable. And it’s not my responsibility anymore to convince them.

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#117

I was laying on my floor earlier today as I tend to do when I just need time to quiet my mind. My head was still trying to figure out this whole self love thing. At one point I was strongly considering going back onto DR:LD to break through these limiting beliefs. Yes the appeal of breaking through everything, living as myself, letting go of limitations was highly appealing. But I went deeper and I asked myself are you afraid to run LB? And the answer was yes.

What I stumbled upon was this fear that loving myself would bring complacency. Or that ironically my deep needs would be unmet in favor of practicing self love. But what I really realized is you can love yourself and still want to grow into a better version of yourself, there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s not contradictory. And loving myself as I am, right now is important while on my journey of growth. If I just keep waiting around till I hit goals or exactly what I want to feel good about myself I’m not gonna be happy.

It’s weird but I have this fear that self love and compassion will take things away from me by means of killing the motivation for change. I think this is just a fear, a strong one, but still just a fear not based in reality.

So I’ll continue using LB because I can sense my deep reluctance to run it as a sign there’s a lot of potential growth there for me.

#118

Going through a ton of more stuff. But it’s all good. I think the nature of growth on these subs for me is swinging between extremes then finding the happy medium. Two concepts mixing together and synthesizing something new.

I found a good website outlining a bunch of stuff on facial feminization surgery. Even though HOT isn’t surgery, I think the same concept applies to me.

FFS is not about trying to create a different person or trying to copy the features of another woman - the main purpose of FFS in my opinion should be to remove the effects that testosterone had on your face at puberty. So it’s about returning to your original face rather than creating a new one. I call this concept “puberty reset”.

What I’m realizing is I’ve got two things going on here. One is what’s outlined here, the difficulties that come from features that developed I don’t align with. Those I am very much set on changing. But the second issue I’m facing is just generally comparing myself too much and not appreciating my own beauty. I would much rather HOT bring out my own natural beauty than try to mimic or copy something. I deleted some stuff from my vision board that was too much like trying to change into something else. It gets muddled sometimes because I’m still deeply insecure at times.

Part of my huge fear getting started on my transition was this idea of passing. Like anything less than passing for a cis woman and I failed in some way. But now I’m thinking, you know what? Even if I do pass in the future I don’t intend on trying to pretend I’m something I’m not. Do I really want to just shove myself back in another closet and be afraid of people finding out about me? Hell no.

There’s a lot I’m grieving about my past and when I heal from that I’ll heal from it. But for now I’m just allowing myself to feel it and carry onward.

Today I went to a thrift store dressed up and grabbed some more clothes for myself. 2 months ago I would have had an anxiety attack at the thought of doing that. I’m really proud of myself because I’m not letting fear get in the way of doing what I want and being who I am. Is it difficult? Hell yeah. But I know I can do this.

LB is helping me acknowledge my struggles, show myself compassion, and let me be my authentic self. And as much as I have my own goals to strive for, I’m just happy that I’m slowly starting to feel those goals don’t need to determine my worth. It’s like an alternative perspective was opened up to me, one where I don’t need to buy into the overly harsh criticisms and perfectionism that have ruled my life. That filter was absolutely wrecking me with regards to my physical appearance, so I’m glad I’m starting to be able to look outside of it.

#119

Oh boy 2 minutes was not the ticket for these subs. Dealing with some overexposure/recon, gonna let that pass.

I need to remind myself ACTION, not internal rumination and observance. I think there’s a tendency for me to want to feel the sub working and fail to realize when it’s running smooth that is the sub working well for me. I’ve been feeling more confident about myself and seeing where the real power lies with the subs. No need to overdo it.

Greater amounts of exposure = more necessary introspection, emotional regulation, and rest time for me. If I don’t really focus it quickly gets out of control. It can work under certain circumstances but I think for me running subs just below this threshold works better.

And note to self JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN HANDLE THE SUB DAY OF LISTENING DOES NOT REFLECT HOW YOU’LL FEEL THE NEXT FEW DAYS. I don’t know how many times I’m gonna go through this before I really learn my lesson and stop doing this.

#120

Having the dust settle from that recon, I don’t want to wait to live my life anymore. I decided this week I’m just going to talk to HR and see what I can do about using my preferred name at work. I’m done letting fear get to me. After this I wont have anything holding me back from being myself all the time.

I’m not gonna lie it really sucks at times with the physical dysphoria I deal with. But I have to do what makes me feel good. I’ve realized that means presenting how I feel even if it doesn’t match up yet. Is it ideal? No, nothing in life ever is. I just know I’m a perfectionist and if I kept waiting till things felt right I was gonna shoot myself in the foot.

I’m not confident, far from it. I feel nervous as hell and I’m dreading this. But I know I’ll feel relief after doing this. This is for me. I didn’t think I’d get to this point so fast, but it’s really clear what my needs are.