Lol to be honest it has felt like an alternate reality for me. Still letting everything sink in for myself
1 Like
I think the real magic to these subs sometimes is opening your eyes to what’s around you and appreciating how much things are within your grasp even when you felt it was the furthest thing away.
I hung out with my friends last night, first time I’ve seen them in person since I told them I was transgender. I showed up presenting as female, they all used my pronouns and my new name and were super supportive. I felt connected and happy with them and really in the present moment, which I’ve very rarely been able to get to in the past.
Being able to show the real me, be accepted and loved for that, it doesn’t get any better than that for a healing experience. And it’s giving me the confidence to explore myself even deeper.
4 Likes
Is anything you are listening to have the NSE?
2 Likes
Yup! Phoenix and LB.
Though after seeing all this progress and the stepping stones and amazing experiences I’ve been having supporting my growth, I think Phoenix is staying in the stack. I’ll drop LB for Ascension for Women and really give my subconscious a focused direction that can be enhanced with Phoenix.
HOT
Phoenix
Ascension for Women
I think that should do it. Phoenix has been preventing me from hiding from things or avoiding. I sort of hate how it’s been making me feel but long term it’s been totally reinventing my life and I want to leave no stone unturned with regards to my limiting beliefs.
1 Like
Welcome to the NSE.
1 Like
I would encourage you to keep LB in the wings, just in case.
1 Like
You mean like for stack rotation? I definitely value LB and I wish I didn’t have to drop it but it’s hard fitting everything around 3 titles.
1 Like
Phoenix is definitely weird how it shows up sometimes. 2 odd occurrences I was not planning for.
This is gonna be absolutely dumb. But I have a phobia of worms. For some reason despite the totally illogical nature of it, I feel like they’re going to burrow into my skin. Well I was watching a horror movie and halfway through there was an absolutely intense scene with a guy who has a worm phobia lol. I was like, how in the hell?
Other one is I’ve been watching a trash TV bravo reality show with my friend. It’s been a guilty pleasure and it’s fun hanging out with her. But half way through a season a guy tells everyone he exclusively looks for trans women to date and I wanted to vomit. For those that don’t know this is what’s called a chaser, guys that pursue trans women because they fetishize them vs seeing them as a whole person. One of my biggest concerns as I keep going in this process. I’m a unique individual first and trans second. It was just wild to see that manifest in a show I was watching with absolutely no transgender content up to that point. Definitely stirred up some feelings for me, was interesting.
Thank you for the request for clarification.
Here is what you might want to consider:
Suppose you notice your self-love declining. Perhaps then consider pausing one or two titles, and listening to LB for a bit. What do you think?
1 Like
You got a question hanging out in your mind:
How will you know if someone wanted to go out with you because you are trans, or if they want to go out with you because of you?
1 Like
I think that’s a good plan. I just worry sometimes I switch my stack up to run away from something. I like being consistent as much as possible even when I feel like crap.
Yeah. Hanging out there more than I realized to be honest.
I’m having a lot of insecurities pop up that I never faced as a guy though. It’s been an adjustment to recognize them and remind myself they’re legitimate feelings and linked to myself. As weird and foreign as they can be at times.
1 Like
Cannot wait to run Ascension for Women and crush all these insecurities. I woke up today and I was like “you know what? I’m gonna be a badass woman that doesn’t take shit from people”. It was so incredibly difficult to build confidence as a guy because to me true confidence is when you know who you are, what you stand for, and your authentic self expression. I was none of those, I was hiding myself. But now that I’m embracing who I am I genuinely feel like I want to strengthen this person and I want her to be bold and confident and proud of who she is. But all in my own way, my own definition of femininity. And I know Ascension for Women is really focused in that direction.
Don’t know if it was LB or Phoenix but my relationship with my parents has improved. I still feel sad about what has happened in the past, reconciling who they are in the present vs the past can be difficult. But it’s been getting easier. I’m glad I’m here, I was afraid I’d never move past my angry stage with them.
I’m still exercising boundaries around them. Unfortunately my parents aren’t emotionally mature individuals. As much as I want them to be the parents that can hold space for me I know they can’t always do that. But that doesn’t mean I can’t connect, it just means I have to look out for myself and not to re-engage old enmeshment patterns. But they’re both loving and accepting, I know not everyone gets that so I’m grateful to have them in my life.
I think for a long time I held myself accountable for feeling hurt by their actions or doing something wrong to not be properly heard. When the truth is they just weren’t great parents. As a child I blamed myself for a lot of their actions. Being not so great parents doesn’t mean they’re awful people. It just means the developmental needs I needed as a child weren’t always met.
I’m definitely moving into some grieving and sadness lately. But I’m really thankful to have Phoenix, it’s helping me develop the emotional intelligence to stop seeing things in black and white which is hard to do with trauma.
1 Like
Just about 2 months on HOT. But I only really started tracking changes with pictures a few weeks ago.
I do notice the physical. But I’m definitely seeing easier guidance towards things that will help me improve my appearance. I love the glasses I picked out, it’s so rare for me to be completely satisfied with something like that but I totally nailed it.
It’s intimidating at times. Learning to trust my intuition and know it will guide me towards the best expression for myself. Trusting that my deepest self knows.
Aside from that, I spoke with my department head about leaving. I’ve drafted up a list of things that need to be tightened before my exit and let him know I fully intend on exiting with things stabilized as much as possible for him. But my boss is leaving too and apparently HR caught wind of it and decided to blab to the president of the company. Now it looks like both of us seem like we are maliciously quitting or have an agenda when really we just reached burnout at the same time. We’re grown ass mature adults, yes we’re leaving because we’ve outgrown the company, no that doesn’t mean we’re trying to sabotage you. Like sorry you’ve treated us so poorly over the years and didn’t respect us enough to make us feel like we wanted to stay but you don’t get to guilt trip us into believing you treated us well when you didn’t.
Next company I move into I’m out fully about being transgender. No more of this guy at work, girl in person life that’s been doing my head in. It sucks that it’s become that uncomfortable for me to assume my male persona, but i see it as a good sign my authentic self is making itself known and saying “yeah no more of this, you deserve to be free to be yourself”.
Sometimes I run Phoenix, forgot I ran it, then start wondering why I’m getting really sad all of a sudden and depressed like an hour later. Then I tell myself to go into it. The subtle nature of how ZP creeps in sometimes throws me off. It’s like I can feel the discomfort coming and I try to push it away until I realize I need to not do that. During the ramp up time to it I can exercise that will power more to keep things away. But as my subconscious really starts steering more I’m just in for the ride.
I ran a minute today since I felt capable. After today I’ve got my 5 days of rest then Ascension for Women makes an appearance. It’s all been good and I’m happy with my results. But Phoenix has definitely been kicking my ass.
If there’s an easier way to find happiness I have no idea what it is, so this is the current path for now. For better or worse I’m in the fires of rebirth.
4 Likes
Sometimes the path to happiness leads us through the flames of transformation. 
2 Likes
Going out to the city to meet a friend today. So last night I was trying to pick out an outfit. Right now I’m trying to strike a balance between more comfy presentation vs causing myself unnecessary anxiety. More androgynous dress seems to work for now. Mens shirt mixed with a women’s v neck. But also this has made me realize how much freedom women have clothing wise. And also how much I actually do care about fashion and how it makes me feel good.
Anywayyy. This is more about me and my pal Phoenix. I ran it for 1 min yesterday for the first time in a while. I think the clothing thing last night sparked my noodle to work on some stuff. Last nights dreams were people in my dream refusing to use my preferred name and calling me by my old one and boy did that feel awful. Which is funny because a few years back I would have been running for the hills if anyone validated my female side.
Also woke up today feeling more bubbly, less serious. HOT was run yesterday for a minute as well. Might have leveled up on both of those, will see after my 5 day break. It’s still weird. I catch glimpses of personality traits I have known for years. But some other ones are new. Just want to be myself really, but the absolute best version of myself. All those years of trying to slap a bunch of masculine stuff over the top of my personality and why it didn’t work makes a ton of sense now. Not to say I didn’t grow and do a lot for myself, but man I really could have optimized that one better.
1 Like
So I’ve been out of touch with this friend for a bit. But we caught up on everything and she was super supportive.
She told me my overall look seemed softer which made me super happy. I’ve been seeing stuff myself but it’s really nice to hear from outside of myself so I know I’m not making it up.
Overall going into the city, dressing how I wanted, being around a ton of people, it was good exposure for me. I’m glad I did it.
While talking with her I was much more lively, smiling, and admittedly rambly. For a lot of my life I’d carefully consider what I said and how I said it in normal conversations. But yesterday it’s like I was just expressing myself freely without feeling the need to monitor myself. The weird part for me is that my mannerisms have always leaned more feminine, I just suppressed them. I have a weird imposter syndrome where I’m like “am I acting like how I think a woman acts? Or is this genuinely me?”
I’m noticing some sadness coming up today because I just really want to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m so tired of work and job bs. Like all this mental health stuff has taken front and center for me, it is the most important thing for me right now. And I’ve just been struggling a lot with building my skillset, specializing in a field, trying to figure out where I want to work, etc. I just don’t have the energy to invest into any of it right now. Sick of people trying to rope me into climbing some ladder of status or insisting the company is the most important thing in my life. I’m focusing on me and that’s so fucking hard to do when it feels like people want pieces of you. I’m still working on that, that compulsory habit of giving people what they want just because they ask for it.
2 Likes
Sounds like you had a moment where you got to experience being your authentic self. Such a great feeling. Keep honoring yourself and your boundaries - they are the foundation of your self respect and happiness.
2 Likes
Went to a brunch at my friend’s place. A friend I haven’t seen in a while was there and she was super supportive when I opened up to her about being transgender. She said she was really jealous because I’m gonna be a hot woman lol. I was like I hope so. Obviously not my whole reasoning for transitioning but who doesn’t want to be hot? Also this was the second time I heard someone say the name I chose for myself fits really well for me.
Also you know how sometimes at parties people break up into smaller groups and have discussions? Somehow I found myself in a group with all women. I felt a lot of imposter syndrome but also felt comfortable. My anxiety was barely there and I started to think maybe a lot of this social anxiety I’ve had for most of my life wasn’t a confidence thing, but the fact that socially I never got the opportunity to communicate in ways that are natural to me.
More awesome experiences for me. I’ve gotten so much more confident about being open about all this with people. At this point I don’t want to hide because that ruins my quality of life and I’m not gonna let fear of what others think diminish my self expression when I’ve already been denied that for so many years.
It’s been a little over a month since I started making major changes in my life and it’s absolutely insane how much growth I’ve had in a short period of time. More in this past month than I’ve had in the past year to be honest.
1 Like