What about wearing a button with your pronouns on it? Perhaps just point to it when someone refers to you as he/him.
Have you read about:
gynandromorphism
XXY
There may be other sex chromosome variations.
You need a certain level of testosterone, or you may have no motivation.
I’ll have to think about that one. All my friends know, it’s just habit. I would be worried the button thing comes across as passive aggressive.
I haven’t dug into it yet, but I know of xxy. I brought it up with my doctor and she said the commercial testing would be a good route because getting a referral for medical testing is easily dismissed and can be expensive if insurance doesn’t cover it.
I’m at a good range now 15-70 ng/dl is where cis woman’s levels sit. I’m well aware of how important testosterone is for a lot of functions in the body, not looking to eradicate it. I know some people make that mistake with hormones. Gender dysphoria can make you do desperate things in the pursuit of being closer to physical goals.
Ive been spending money on myself a lot. Mostly clothes and different stuff for my appearance. I found myself thinking, no you have to save this, you have to invest wisely, save for retirement, blah blah blah. Im done. Im going to do nice things for myself.
Fear of spending money. Who would have that belief? Someone that lacks abundance. Someone who thinks the rug will be pulled any second and their life will come crashing down. Im more loose with my money and I take that as a sign financial blocks are being dissolved.
My heart really does go out to those that struggle financially. Especially when this system can be so rigged. But I cant keep feeling guilty for having the abundance I have. I did work hard for this. I had a period of my life where I was a NEET. I was dependant on others around me. I just kept going and trying. Eventually I broke through.
And even if im wrong and this isn’t a sign of financial abundance, it doesn’t matter. Life needs to be enjoyed and indulged in. You don’t get that by obsessively planning for the future.
I’m reflecting on hanging out at my friend’s place a few weeks back and hearing about her parents. It just made me think of mine. The best way I could describe it is they fell through the cracks. My dad has undiagnosed dyslexia, he’s smart but in his own way, he stayed at one job his entire life until retirement even though that job was toxic af. My mom definitely struggles with depression and potentially undiagnosed ADHD, definite trauma for both of them. And I just think to myself, some of us fight invisible battles our entire lives and never get the help we deserve. I’m all for personal power and self advocacy, but that narrative has gotten out of control. You can’t gloss over systemic issues just because life was good for you and you made it work.
Genesis always does this to me. I start confronting harsh truths about reality. The most recent one. I don’t expend mental energy anymore trying to find the good in people. They show me, that’s their chance to display their character. And if they blow it I’m under no obligation to connect with them on some spiritual human level. Why is it that when people are abusive the burden is placed on the victim to “understand their side?” Why are the ones that constantly get the crap beat out of them held with that moral obligation? I’m tired of this shit, this isn’t my cross to bear. I don’t know where this imposed responsibility came from but I’m getting rid of it. I’m not going to dive into politics right now in the US, but I’m absolutely horrified at the vitriol and hate coming out of people’s mouths just because other people are different. And yeah hate breeds hate, but they started this with blatant disrespect for human life. I think it’s ok for me to show anger towards these people and disdain. When one side is abusive and another side tries to take the moral high road, the abusers just keep on abusing. It’s a story as old as time. You can see it on this forum with all the drama that has passed in and out here.
I’m getting a nudge to move to Ascension for Women instead of Genesis. I need to feel better about myself and do things for myself to have a more fulfilling life. I like Genesis, but I think for my situation right now I just want to feel confident as myself and empowered. Also to just stop being a victim all the damn time.
My friend had a bachelor party these past few days. It was the first time seeing a few of my friends in person really presenting as myself and also my brother who lives further away from me. All of them super supportive but it was hard for me. I started off pretty strong, dressing how I wanted. We hit a boardwalk a few times, popped in a few casinos, but after a while the stares from other people got to me. I was pretty drunk one night and just had to break off from the group and go back to the airbnb because I wasn’t able to do it anymore.
I can’t control how people behave. The best thing I can do is control how situations like that effect me personally. And I know part of that is connecting more with my feminine energy so I can feel closer to who I am even if the physical hasn’t quite matched up yet.
The hardest part for me right now. I can sense who I really am deep down. I just don’t feel like I’m allowed to be it and that hurts. It’s like nothing in my life is aligned enough and that makes it insanely difficult to just live a life for myself. Just wanting to be myself, have a job where people only know the current me, be able to date, be able to have deeper bonds with close girlfriends.
I’ve started to realize I’ve been trying to immerse myself into an entirely different world while still keeping a foot firmly planted in the other. That other male world was just a constructed necessity to get by, the problem is I don’t have anything in its space to replace it. I have to learn it all from scratch. So of course my mind is going to prefer everything that it’s already familiar with even though I hate it.
I’m just really tired. Self discovery while trying to maintain a life is hard.
Oh also on my drive home today I saw a license plate with Paragon on it. Decided I should take that as a sign to throw Paragon in my stack so it’ll be
Ascension for Women
Paragon
Helen of Troy
How would you know if it’s a nudge to move to a different one because it could be more helpful or you’re done with Genesis for now, OR if it’s because of reconciliation?
Thanks Rv. I reflected a bit more on it and I think it is recon. Genesis has been pulling a lot to the surface for me, a lot of me. I’m impatient, I saw these things in me and I wanted to maximize my growth by going as specific as possible. But since Genesis has already been tackling the stuff I need to work out it makes sense not to switch just yet. It is doing the job, trying to speed it along with a different sub wouldn’t benefit me even though I want to believe otherwise.
I just feel really trapped right now. And when I feel like that I have a tendency to disregard my needs and over exert myself to change. I guess im afraid Genesis wont do enough for me, but it clearly is right now. So a lot of this is just that fear of not doing enough.
I think part of it is also there’s no clear answer to this stuff. Which is the right sub to run? I mean clearly my life isn’t where I want it to be right now. I cant really know whats best. But I guess Genesis is my best bet because it covers a lot.
How would you know when to remove Genesis, and perhaps add something else?
I’m not sure because I’m not sure where Genesis would cap out for me in terms of results. After reflecting on it even more I realized that desire to run another sub is for the hope of different results, but not necessarily anything based in fact.
I think for me I’ll have to hit all these with Genesis before I consider swapping. Anything else is just wishful thinking and hoping a different sub will get me results faster.
Part of me feels like im reaching for something I’ll never get and part of me truly thinks things are possible. But neither one is dominant which confuses the crap out of me.
Im sitting on the fence right now. I know my life could be way better. I keep settling based on fear. Id really like to change that.
I ran HOT and Genesis today, both at 3 minutes also bumped the volume a bit on the masked. Which is odd because I was at 1 min before and didn’t think there would be a jump like that. I did run Paragon 2 days ago. I’m wondering if maybe that calmed my nervous system down a bit. I noticed the day after running Paragon there was a lot of heavy emotional stuff. Might have been a coincidence with some of the stuff I encountered this past week and my own insecurities.
In my own head I do see being transgender as a chronic condition that needs treatment. Since starting HRT so much of my inner agitation has vanished. So who knows, maybe Paragon can assist on some level as well with other physical aspects of it. I’ve learned that these subs are effectively interpreted by your own unique mind, if it makes sense and your mind can do it the sub will facilitate it.
But I felt this part of Genesis full force today
The support scripting will then help you dissolve and neutralize any fears that arise that prevent you from becoming who you REALLY are. Regardless of your experience level with us, this alone is worth giving Genesis a try. Such a revelation can be transformative, a watershed moment that shapes the course of your life.
When I got home from work I was just really tuning into my body. I noticed there was a fear of my more natural self expressions that are feminine. I had to keep telling myself it was ok, I don’t have to be someone else anymore. I started crying, I can’t tell you how big of a mindfuck it is to never feel like you can be yourself even alone. I realized this is why Genesis was giving me such a hard time at moments. I was being pulled internally to face my authentic self, but I kept wanting to just create something else I was comfortable with. It went on in several levels. The first time this happened I wasn’t fully accepting of being trans and I tried to double down on being a guy. The second time is when I really opened up and was honest with myself and started exploring things deeper. This third time is realizing even after that second time, I still wasn’t fully allowing myself out completely. I wasn’t ready to fully know who I am because all that self expression must have gotten criticized or dismissed at some point in my life and became unsafe.
I just don’t have words to express how I’m feeling right now. All the past numb feelings growing up that made me feel totally disconnected from life, I realize now there was a lot of pain under that. I just need to sit with myself and give myself time with this. It’s a lot to process.
Had a dream I was surrounded by baby ducks and getting to hold all of them. It was cute. A nice change of pace from my usual messed up and at times stressful dreams.
So shortly after introducing Paragon to my stack I decided to buy one of those dna kits sold online. The plan is to grab the raw data then plug it into another service to uncover any potential issues that I could correct. Fingers crossed I don’t. But the one I’ll keep an eye out for is a mthfr gene mutation. Also my older brother has this weird gene mutation where if he eats too much starch he has an autoimmune reaction that also attacks collagen in the body, so it pretty much causes lower back pain for him since it effects the discs in the spine. Crazy stuff.
Obviously I’m opening pandoras box here, but if I’ve got a potential health issue I’d rather know about it and work to fix it. Also I’m going to see if I can use this to verify if I’m intersex or not. It’s not a comprehensive dna sequencing, but I figured it could show some chromosome abnormalities if they are there.
HOT seems to be doing its thing. Been getting compliments from a few people I know. One of which said she was really jealous.
I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve got a wedding I’m going to soon for my best friend. But I’ve been panicked over a dress and makeup. I feel really self conscious because I just don’t want to seem like a guy in a dress and makeup. But then even if I do can I realistically do anything about that? Gender dysphoria is bad enough for me, there’s no reason I have to double up on the hurt by criticizing an appearance I have limited control over at this point in time. I’ve been easing up on myself a lot and trying to slow down. I’ve put so much pressure on myself to get all the stuff in my transition sorted as if I’m going to finish in a year. But this is going to be years so I need to understand it’s all about self discovery and the slow unfolding. As difficult as that is. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy things right now.
I’ve been in a rut with my music. And I realize it’s because I feel like if I don’t do anything with it or go anywhere I’ve failed in some way. That’s a lot of pressure. Some of my favorite artists never made big money. It would be nice to make a living off music. But everyone’s like you gotta grind, you gotta treat it like a job, you gotta market. Realistically speaking I’m not committed to any of that and I don’t know if I ever will be. And I’ve been pressuring myself to go that direction or prepare for it. I don’t like it. I don’t like that concept of “success” in music. But I’m wondering what other alternatives there are. I won’t close the door of abundance but I def need to reassess having music on my terms and not external pressure. Cuz every time I lay my hands on my keyboard I immediately think of this crap and it feels terrible.
And to be totally honest. I don’t write music that fits in or would be considered popular. And I wouldn’t ever want to try if that wasn’t a genuine desire.
To go even further I used music as a crutch to offset my gender dysphoria for years. It was my escape, my hope, I thought if I could nail this one aspect my life would fall into place. Now that I’m feeling better music isn’t this desperate need as it once was. I’m exploring other facets of life and grounding myself more vs dissociating in my inner worlds.
I’ve been feeling like overall I need to be something grandiose. Or my life has to be this amazing achievement. And it’s all bullshit. I’ve been filling the hole where my self worth is with external validation for years. And when I drop those things? A voice that says you’re not good enough as you are, there’s anxiety, fear, and an impulsive urge to alleviate that lack of self worth through external means. Friggin knee jerk reaction that puts me on the hamster wheel of modern society thinking I can’t just exist as I am and I’m wrong somehow if I value myself despite having no achievements.
It feels like the past few days I’ve put it all down. I’m disconnecting. None of it has worked for me, it’s gotten me by but do I feel alive? No I don’t. It frustrates me because I was dragged along by all this, compelled to do things for other people and make good impressions, not once my own needs taken into consideration. It makes me sad, it’s just a belief, it’s just an idea and yet it owns every facet of my life.
I don’t know anymore. I truly don’t. But I think I need to get more comfortable with not knowing so the real answers can show themselves to me.
Word vomits with sprinkling of truths.
Bought some new glasses for myself yesterday even though I bought a pair a few months ago. I wasn’t confident enough to really explore options that made me feel feminine.
And fuck it, I want to feel beautiful. As vain as that sounds. And I can’t really love my features and appearance right now. I’m trying but I don’t want to look like a guy. HOT for the long haul and if that doesn’t work out with the hormones I’ll get facial surgery I don’t really care.
Being trans. I’ve heard from numerous other individuals who are sometimes 5 or 10 years into it, they still get dysphoric. I’m gonna do everything in my power to alleviate that for myself. I won’t just roll over and be like “oh well I just have to accept myself as I am”. What kills me sometimes is individuals who say it gets better, but in another sentiment say how they still hate their body. So it’s like which is it? Does it get better? Or is this like a curse that just plagues you all your life?
Maybe this will change, maybe I’ll transcend it. Idk. Maybe I won’t. Been going through a rough time.
That was a spiral. I’m feeling better today. I took a look at the things I can change.
Right now I’m not giving my body what it needs to facilitate the changes in me. I ordered a really nice water bottle for myself to help me stay hydrated. I guess that would qualify as self care.
I’ve fallen into that cycle again where I prepare for the future by setting myself up for the worst outcomes possible. It just causes needless stress for a future that isn’t even guaranteed. Just a hypothetical. But I don’t know how to break it, this is how I’ve navigated my life 90% of the time. I know it’s a problem and it needs to change. It’s probably not even a question of how, it’s just me needing to do it. Stop self harming myself.
I’m afraid of where the limits are hiding. What is truly possible. I just don’t have that infinitely limitless mindset. I’m just afraid of a lot of things not happening for me. I’ve been thinking more about finding a specialist to help me with my transition. Someone who really knows what they’re doing and is invested in my end goals too. Right now I feel like the responsibility is on me to advocate for my hormone dosage, levels, treatment, etc. It sucks not being able to just go somewhere and have full trust that I’m in good hands. It’s an informed consent model which is great for availability, but not so great for a hands off approach that puts the burden on trans individuals to navigate this complicated process. That’s a whole other rant I won’t get into.
So emotional transmutation at work with Genesis right now. That’s a lot of pain and fear that’s not serving me except pushing myself into a limited existence. Two things I told myself yesterday.
Acceptance is about who I am in this present moment and treating that person kindly. It does not mean accepting circumstances I’m dissatisfied with. It does not mean letting other people tell me what I need to accept. And it does not mean I should feel guilty or ashamed for wanting to change aspects of myself.
I will do everything in my power to give myself a life I can love and appreciate. Anything less than that is unacceptable. People may look at me like I have high standards, but these are my wishes and I’ll honor them. I’m not gonna be gaslit or dragged down into a subpar existence just because others don’t believe.
Other people’s lives are their experiences. Valuable insight can be gained sure, but their truth is no more inherently real than my own. If I’m afraid of my future and want certainty I will make sure not to cling onto the views of others as a form of security.
What a rollercoaster.
I was at the grocery store and someone was saving a spot on line and asked if it was ok if they go in front of me. I said sure. Then they told the person oh yeah he doesn’t mind go right head of him. And I felt like I got kicked in the gut. As awful of an experience as it felt, I know I’m acknowledging real feelings that need to be dealt with.
I got home, unpacked my groceries. Sat on my couch as an emotional mess. Then i decided to go to the mirror and just talk to myself. I cried, I apologized for being so horrible while we’re going through this difficult time. I told her things would be better and I was going to make sure of it. I said sorry a lot, a lot. Sorry nobody helped you with this as a child, sorry you struggled for so long, sorry you never felt safe enough to be who you are.
I’ve been getting really beat up about the dysphoria lately. But after I did all this I could see who was underneath it all. Who she was, who she never got to be. And I felt connected and I understood as much as the physical aspect of everything sucks right now I still deserve compassion. It’s still me in that body even if it’s the one I don’t want and I deserve that love and compassion even if it doesn’t align yet.
The other thing I realized which was interesting. Deep down I have all these repressed behaviors and characteristics. If I just allowed them, if I embraced them, people would see that alignment. The irony is I fall back to “safe” male behavior but it’s those male habits and characteristics that will cause me to be unsafe due to the disparity between how I present vs how I act. It’s just interesting how what my mind thinks is safe actually makes it more unsafe for me. I really just need to let go and allow myself out into the world more