Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#201

I went to a fun music event yesterday. Some live musicians in a chill top level of a store. I was really admiring what they were doing and being able to perform. When I was leaving I asked if they were gonna have any more events and the owner said he was looking to start open mics. I wanted to start working towards live performance on my MPC with my gear, that would be cool. I’m not there yet, but I feel like it could be closer in the future than some distant far away event.

That being said, I am trying my hardest to stick to this stack I’m on now but RM Vibes is calling me. I want to write more, I want to branch out, I want to share, I want to meet other artists. After this event I went to I felt more inspired to take this part of my life seriously and dedicate time to it. A lot of the fears are like what if nobody likes my music or it’s bad and I’m just delusional? Then I was like you know what? I’d rather have the experience of performing badly than never even performing at all or getting the chance to.

But I just started Paragon and I have to focus in on my health. I have to be #1. As much as I want to run RM Vibes I know I have to really look after myself more. Since starting Paragon I’ve upped my water intake, bought more food to eat at all times, and just in general became more aware of my body and taking care of it. It’s not as exciting as Vibes, but I need to still build a firm foundation to build off of.

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#202

I feel like Genesis really brings things to the forefront of my mind to understand.

I messaged my therapist today and basically came to the realization we need to slow down. I’m pushing too much, I’m dysregulating my system.

I’m going to be diving into IFS more and working with my parts to get to know them better. I’m starting to suspect i have some form of structural dissociation. Genesis has been giving me the courage to be more honest with myself and how I experience my own life. I can say that the way I process subs hints at it ping ponging around to other parts and it’s the disagreements between them that causes the difficulties at times vs plain old recon.

For example I’m running HOT. There’s a part who’s responsibility it was to make sure I presented as a guy reasonably well for safety. Well I don’t really have to do that anymore nor should I, but it still perceives allowing feminine expression as a dangerous thing and opposes that script. I can’t just be like “stop, this is what we’re doing now” it doesn’t work like that. It needs to understand why and taken out of its own fear based emotional reactions. But not forcefully, it has to feel safe. That’s the difficulty with all this because I’m just used to pushing and shoving everything around to make things happen but don’t really check in with every part of me.

I can’t say whether most people experience things like that. But that’s how it is for me and it’s taken me a while to come around to it and start working within that framework vs trying to impose something else.

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#203

Really good stuff here that’s making me reassess how I go about my sub usage.

I’ve been on 1 min for a bit now and it’s been difficult and not great. I didn’t want to go back to 30s because I’d feel like I failed. But recently I’m throwing out everything and starting over entirely. The question is not what I feel I should be able to do but what I can do.

At the end of the day the subs are interpreted by my parts. Some are like hell yeah let’s go, others are like this is dangerous. Finding a happy medium between all of them is important. One can’t override the other and have a positive outcome. But that’s what I’ve done for a lot of my life, there’s a part that pushes forward and a part that gets re-traumatized. The result is outward progress but it feels forced like I’ll lose it at any moment because not every part of me is in agreement.

#204

These new finance people started at my job and let me tell you I’m tired of the games. I get it you graduated with a degree, you got the status in the company, you might have past experience where you were made to feel you were high up on the ladder. You played the game and you didn’t realize what it was and now you expect everyone to treat you a certain way. Not happening. You’re on equal footing as me, as a person, as a human. That means anything you come to me with as a problem or request is evaluated within the context of priority for it and not just because you want it now.

I’m not making any friends with this mentality but I stopped caring. It needed to happen. I’m tired of power dynamics and people letting status go to their heads. Go ahead dislike me because you can’t manipulate me with a made up power structure. I have zero problems if someone communicates why they need something urgent or help immediately. But come to me with the attitude of expectation and like I’m below you? Get out of here.

This is undoubtedly gonna cause friction in my life but I’m tired of tolerating shit like this or told I need to because reasons.

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#205

Feeling the vibes of this. Interestingly lines up with a lot of Genesis.

#206

We had a tornado watch in my area the other day. I’m gonna write about something that I personally feel very strongly about.

Long story short I asked my boss if I could leave early before the storm got bad. He said sure, then I said we need to extend this to my team and give them the option as well if they feel unsafe. He said yeah. I let them go, I go, then i get a message that says he needs to check with the president of the company first to see if it’s ok and give it an hour.

This company wanted us to stick around for another hour vs my own personal safety taken into consideration. Do I understand why he did it? Yeah, he doesn’t want to look bad. But I didn’t care about what the company wanted, I was taking care of myself. And that’s when it really hit me, this company always comes first, always. It’s toxic. They would rather us stay in case the network goes down than consider our own feelings on personal safety. And the real kicker was today most office staff (except IT) were wfh since fridays are remote, so they were making judgement calls from the comfort and safety of their homes.

If I worked in a hospital or environment that really did rely on our infrastructure for the well being of others I would stay. But my company sells high end lighting fixtures, get over it you’re not that important.

Nothing happened luckily with the weather. But can you imagine if me or my team members got pressured to stay another hr, got caught in a storm, then a tree wrecked our car or one of us died? They wouldn’t give a shit, it wouldn’t be their problem even though they indirectly caused it. I’m not blaming my boss directly he’s a good guy, this is just the bs culture you pick up on in America in general and it squeezes you until you comply. Did I feel like an idiot when I got home and nothing happened except some really heavy rain? Yeah a little, but I’d rather feel like a fool than gamble on my life. In that moment I exercised my own personal power and said this company doesn’t decide if I stay or go, but that is the reality of how much a hold jobs can have on you at times. They can make you feel like you don’t have full autonomy independent of them. It doesn’t matter if the severe weather didn’t happen, it’s about taking into consideration feelings.

I’m sick of this. I had another similar scare a few weeks ago. I was at a casino. A bunch of cops were walking around with ARs and I went to go leave. They had the exit blocked off and were like “nobody in or out”, I asked what was going on and they said they couldn’t say. I was like uh no, I’m not gonna be a sheep and stay in this building because you told me to I need answers. So me and my friends found another exit and those cops let us out. So clearly everything was disorganized and nobody knew what the fuck was going on and they were just trying to keep everything contained. My instincts told me to leave and there were people in the casino laughing at how many cops there were with guns around the building. I later learned there was a threat called into the casino from a guy saying he was in there with explosive devices and heavy artillery. And people wonder why shooting threats take so many lives here in America, it’s so goddamn normalized these uncharacteristic scenarios don’t even register in people’s brains anymore. This was my worst nightmare though not knowing whats going on and being told to stay calm or just listen to authority.

I’m just running Genesis until my own personal power trumps all this bs and I’m above it. At this point that’s all I want. I don’t want to question my instincts, my judgements, my feelings on ANYTHING. I also don’t want to be made to feel a fool for honoring them.

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#207

Thank goodness you had your wits and sense and respect about you! I’m glad you got out well.

Obviously you weren’t the one the cops were looking for.

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#208

Appreciate it! It was a scary situation, I’m glad it turned out to be a non-active threat.

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#209

Everything in my life has been a denial and dismissal of my own feelings for so long. I’m trying to be more open minded lately to understand how I can understand myself better. The assumptions have always been , oh everyone deals with this stuff you just suck at it more. And what I’m realizing is, no some people really don’t or rather it’s on a spectrum of how it’s experienced.

I’ve just been getting curve balls thrown my way lately. I made a new friend and we got to chatting about our experiences in life. How our internal worlds are and the struggles we face. As I explained how the inner workings of my mind show up she said it sounds like a system. That there’s more of a “we” than a cohesive “I” and I heavily relate to that.

The end goal for me would be more integration and understanding what the other parts are. Right now things are just an internal tug of war. Even when one side wins, the whole system loses because we’re not communicating with each other.

The trauma I experienced as a kid on top of being transgender was too much for me to cope with so I’ve realized there’s been a splitting off and dissociative element to my being. Tightly compartmentalized roles or states of being I switch to depending on circumstances or triggers.

This explains why I’ve had growth but it feels like it’s a partial growth. Like a part just got really really good at handling life but overall it was not my entire system. Like a protective front I’ve developed. It’s helped a lot but it’s also very rigid and controlling.

Genesis always helps with the honesty. I’ve wanted to be a single authentic real self for so much of my life. I never stopped to consider what the actual internal experience was and start from there. I guess I was afraid to face it. But the past few days I’ve felt more relief being able to honor this experience and not dismiss anything. Also learning there are others out there who face these same struggles and it’s not just a product of my imagination and trying to make excuses or be unique.

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#210

100 percent I relate to this

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#211

Funny I heard this quote in a horror short but I guess things come to you in interesting ways. Supposedly by Confucius

We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize that we only have one.

Been feeling this a lot lately. I told myself no more settling. No more letting people tell me what is or isn’t the way of the world. I don’t know how to do it or what my path is, but I’m determined to stop being pulled along by common opinions and views on life that just put me in a cage.

The interesting thing is I’ve been thinking about taking action more. How sometimes actions can be worse than staying in that realm of discomfort until you’re aware of what you need or to actually do. You can very easily take actions that relieve the discomfort but don’t push towards the overall vision. Like just trying to find a better job with money and not really assessing what the real need is there from a more long term perspective.

I’m sick of feeling this desire for more from subclub. As if a name embedded major title would be the key to changing my life or something new. The more I wait for future innovation, the more I put off now. The more I stop looking outwardly for guidance, the more anxiety I feel because I don’t trust myself. No custom, new title, upgrade, etc is going to change my life. I change my life and I have to start doing that more. I hate that I’m walking a path that’s so difficult but I don’t have a choice.

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#212

Sometimes I’m a hypocrite. Gonna be building a HoT Genesis custom soon. I will only run this custom and dedicate my focus to a very specific outcome I’m looking to achieve. Dropping paragon since it’s too unfocused for overall trajectory. Going to throw together a list at some point today.

Right now I’m in choppy waters of trying to live life but having difficulty doing so. I don’t care about prestige,status, or being above average. Right now I just want to live the rest of my life to the fullest since I lost a lot of it not being able to be myself. Part of this strongly lies in the physical. I’d say right now in this moment, fully learning who I am and how I express myself is infinitely more important than any other goals.

Preparing to live life isn’t the same as living it. And while the plans are good there’s no guarantee they’ll pan out the way you expect. I’m trying to strike a balance between ideas and execution, improvisational living I guess. For someone that always wanted certainty, I’ve learned that is my weakness because it holds me away from exploration.

I don’t like my life. I don’t like how I was subtly coerced into living it. I’m going to find something better. I don’t know what that is but the foundation I laid my life on isn’t working.

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#213

Decided to leave Genesis core out and just stack it using mosaic.

Symmetry: Helen of Troy Core
New Physical Shifting Experience Core
Synergy: Carpe Vitam
Synergy: Harmonic Conflux
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Safety Net
Untouchable
New Dawn
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
Homeostasis
Unlimiter
Mosaic

There’s some stuff in here I included that doesn’t necessarily relate directly to the actual physical shifting process. But things like untouchable, new dawn, and safety net were included so I can continue to move forward and keep exploring my self expression more. Unlimiter is included also because I’m doing some pretty heavy duty physical shifting, I can’t have my mind thinking the end goal isn’t possible for me.

I was going to keep running HoT, but I felt like my needs needed to be more targeted since it’s something really important to me right now that effects my quality of life. Do I want to be attractive? Yes. But I’m also battling the soul crushing feeling of still being stuck with a male body. I need all the help I can get through any and all experiences that can help me feel better.

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#214

One idea that has really been important for me to remember, and, who knows, may also be relevant or useful to you:

A blind spot is not the same as a lack or deficit.

We each have certain areas in which we are wired to under-perceive, misperceive, or not perceive.

Typically, we’ll describe these areas as places of difficulty or challenge. Places where we ‘still have a lot of work to do’. Sometimes, that’s not exactly accurate.

Sometimes it’s that we lack openness to that area and so we lack nuanced, accurate, real-time analysis or information about how we’re doing there. It’s kind of like the difference between neurasthenia–a neurological condition that generates the sensation of weakness–and actual, objective muscular weakness. Subjectively, they feel exactly the same. But in the former condition, the perception of weakness and fatigue has nothing to do with the objective strength of the person’s muscles. It’s more like a neurological ‘blind spot’. Like a bank account for which you lack the password. It may be full of money, but until you get the password, you cannot access that money. But it would be a big mistake to say that simply because you lack the password, that means the account is empty.

I think there are a lot of areas like that. We lack the password, and we assume that means we have a low balance.

The reason this is important is not just because it’s an interesting philosophical point. It’s that the most effective ways to handle a blind spot are actually very different from the best ways to handle an objective lack or deficit.

Anyway, I’m finding this useful, so I’m sharing it.

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#215

Love the custom! Looking forward to your results : )

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#216

Appreciate the share! I think in my case as well that misperception could be a trick similar to sleight of hand as a protective means. A lack or deficit definitely furthers that concept of things needing to take more time which gives a convenient excuse not to act in the present. Whereas a perception shift is closer to the surface of life altering changes which might scare some parts of myself.

I’m really interested how subconscious mastery will expand on this. Particularly information releaser. I’ve never used that one but merger of worlds has always been an interesting experience.

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#217

Decided to leave my support group today and not go back. I realized that despite going there for a few months I still wasn’t comfortable sharing my deepest thoughts. And even when I did they generally aren’t acknowledged. Also too much toxic positivity which is a huge trigger for me due to how growing up as a kid every emotional challenge was met with some platitude from both my parents. I didn’t go to group for two weeks and I was fine. It put things in perspective for me today when I was sitting there and asking myself “why am I here? What value is this giving to me?” That’s the other part, I realized I was continually going to it to try to support other people and that’s not my responsibility. I was replaying that conditioned obligation to put the well being of others over myself.

Also if people can’t be real with me, the experience isn’t going to be healing. People who say “it gets better” but don’t live that life, that’s not gonna inspire hope in me. Being trans later in life is fucking rough, I’m not gonna dance around that. Trans individuals in general have higher rates of suicide and poverty. To call it being a victim would be invalidating as there are very real structures in place that diminish quality of life depending on where you live or how well you pass.

Having said that, it’s been rough for me. But I won’t let my mind latch onto this as reason for a lower quality of living. I just need a ton of limiting belief work and also some deeper knowing that things will be ok, hence my inclusion of the Safety Net module. My life could be a lot worse, but right now I feel like I’m toeing the line by holding onto this job I don’t really care for as a means of security right now.

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#218

Yay! My custom came today. I got it in flac cuz I decided to treat myself to the best of the best. I’m listening on my high end monitors and soundcard, why not use flac? I could tell a noticeable difference in perception playing the flac custom, like an increased clarity. It grabbed my attention more, that’s the only way I can put it. Very curious to see how this effects me.

Other updates. I made some really good progress in therapy. I explained what was going on inside me and my therapist knew exactly what was happening. Essentially a perfectionistic steam rolling part that goes and goes and a more firefighter part that pumps the breaks when that steamrolling part goes too far. So my life has been either 100% ignore my feelings and get it done or dissociate fully and forget the world exists with no in between. It’s been an exhausting existence, but I’m getting closer to leveling it out.

I just want this custom to really help me let go of superficial thoughts that prevent me from living fully as myself. I get these glimpses of myself every now and again in my behaviors that feel like me. But then I get this level of self consciousness. This side that thinks I’m performing femininity to convince others, but I’m really not. I just am, but it’s been suppressed for so many years. Just let me be myself and have everything flow outward from that. This is all an unfolding, it can’t be anything else. Down the line when it’s more clear I can refine it, but right now it’s all about witnessing who I am by not trying to steer the direction of it and not be afraid.

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#219

A bit too ambitious with my new custom. I started at 2 min. Classic mistake of “oh yeah it feels good while listening, what could possibly go wrong?” A lot of recon. A lot of emotional pain. Good lord what did I do. The good news, I had the foresight to drop Homeostasis in this custom to regulate my bad decisions. After crushing emotional pain, anxiety, uncertainty, self hatred, something bloomed from it and unfolded today.

So here’s how my day went. My plan was to walk over to my local post office and retrieve a new pair of glasses that didn’t get delivered because I forgot to put my apartment # on the order because I ordered them at 1am in the morning and was delirious. I’m not far enough in laser or hormones to just not wear makeup for my beard shadow so it’s something I’m really self conscious about. Cue me putting on makeup with shades that sorta match but not really, trying to get it perfect in what little natural light I have to work with. So as I’m sat there just wanting to go about my day and having a mild breakdown over not knowing how to do this, the strong urge to wipe everything off and just stay inside all day. No, that’s not gonna happen. So I do makeup to the best of my ability. Snap a pic of myself while outside in better lighting, tan but not oompa loompa. Ok, good enough still sucks with my face and neck not really matching that well. Forget something inside, go back in. Sit down for a minute, an overwhelming urge comes over me that I can’t leave the apartment. But I push forward anyway. This has now turned into a goddamn sidequest adventure in my life.

I start walking down the street. It’s quite a few blocks to get the post office. I feel terrible like I don’t fit in among all the other people walking around. I stew in that bs for a while. Then I start telling myself I didn’t choose this life, I didn’t choose to be trans or grow up in an era where it was heavily shamed and caused me to repress for years. I’m doing the absolute best I can for my life given the circumstances, I shouldn’t be held accountable for not looking like a woman enough. Little pep talk helps as I close in on the post office and get a bit more confident stride in my walk. Retrieve the glasses, get called he/him (fml), take that misgendering on the chin and carry on with my business.

Immediately my thought is get food, go home. Go back to safety. Don’t stay out. I say screw that, it’s a beautiful day and I’m gonna enjoy this town I live in. I stop in a few vintage shops and buy some jewelry for myself. Grab a coffee and sit at a table and just exist in the world for a bit. Chat with a friend online. Reach out to another friend of mine online for emotional support because I’m over this lone wolf nonsense and trying to get by without having support from others as if I’m gonna win some prized medal for it. Stop in an art supply store, grab this really cool hard perfume hand carved stone with a vanilla scent. Pampering the hell out of myself today.

Get home. Feel down about my appearance. Do some research. Realize my tongue posture is screwed up, my oral posture in general. Remember I had problems breathing out of my nose as a kid, mouth breathing, slack jaw, adverse facial aesthetics (bittersweet Information Releaser module moment there). Going to go back to wearing my orthotic device consistently to train my neural mapping to maintain a healthier posture. Realize that due to the poor tongue posture under my chin grew more more slack so certain angles gives a double chin effect but I weigh 150lbs so this is embarrassing as hell. Hopefully I can reverse it by tightening up the muscle under my chin by strengthening my tongue to hold my skull in the correct position.

I’ve been really into color analysis and haven been trying to figure out my season to base a wardrobe on. About to DIY by grabbing all the different colored clothing I have and do some comparison pictures. Say screw it. Find a consultant online, book an appointment, done. I’ve been spending money on myself like crazy and I don’t care anymore. I also went to a hair loss center this past week to see about regrowing some hair and also getting an integrated hair system to cover my receding hairline (having a MPB look as a woman hurts my soul). I really hate the fact that this shit happened to me, but I need to give myself anything to help me feel better. I’m at the point where instead of lamenting on what I can’t do, I focus on what I can. I’m fortunate that I’m not fully bald and the hair I do have is gorgeous and wavy. And I’ve heard Estrogen can grow back hair sometimes so I’ll see.

Finally share some pics with my friend of my new jewelry. She says my nails look amazing. Absolutely 100% HoT at work, I love my nails and they’ve been growing in beautifully.

Today was good. Today I swear was the first day in a long time I felt like I lived for myself while not in safety of being with someone else. As absolutely frigging chaotic as the recon was and soul crushing, I can say this custom did some damn good work. Now to reel it back a bit so I get the benefits without being crushed by recon. But this was a whole lotta action for me.

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#220

These synergy modules are amazing. I just realized my day yesterday was totally carpe vitam.

A lot of factors and I wish I knew which one was giving me these good results. I used my new name in this custom which just makes me feel so aligned, it’s in flac, and I’m using new modules. I scaled back to 30s for now but this thing is beyond anything I’ve run before.

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