Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#221

I screwed up today. Gave myself a double dose of my custom. What was interesting is I thought I was listening to Genesis so i was able to go to 1 30 when I was feeling like I needed to cut off my custom at 30s.

Some mind games going on here. Moral of the story, real time feedback while listening to the sub is not a reliable indicator of capacity or tolerance for input. I need to remain objective and stick to times. It’s very possible I’ve been misconstruing this discomfort for areas of the script vs the actual subliminal input tolerance.

Going to start keeping a very simple rating scale so I have some data to go off of vs intuitively trying to guess this stuff.

#222

I’m just continuing to unpack stuff. One thing I don’t like is groups, I don’t like collectives where there’s subtle pressure to conform. I think my aversion to stuff like that is because of not having a strong self identity and I don’t want to feel like I’m going to lose myself to the group. That’s definitely a me problem, but it’s a good example of why even with the best of intentions if I’m not ready for something it’ll hurt me in the long run and introduce self doubts. Example below I just realized today.

At the support group I went to there was one night where the subject of passing came up. My goal as a transgender woman is to pass and blend in. I don’t want to stand out. I don’t want to be visibly trans. I just want a life as a woman. But during this group session they just blasted the concept of passing as bs. I took that to heart, thinking something that I really wanted was wrong. And I never want to be subject to that again.

In a utopia, in an ideal world? Yeah eliminating the concept of passing would be nice. Having a procedure that swaps your body completely and reverses the effects of male puberty would also be nice. But that’s not what we live in, that’s not what I live in. People see what they see, act how they act, and the painful truth is the more visibly trans I am the less I’m treated as the gender I feel I am. You can’t take an idealist concept and superimpose it over reality and expect it to change how people feel. And that is one thing I run into in the transgender community at times that drives me up the wall.

Despite all this? I feel like I’m learning to feel what I need to feel to process this. And not having a bunch of other group think opinions get in my head is what I need right now. And as tough as everything has been for me, I am happier. Objectively happier. Despite feeling incredibly alone at times. But in those moments I remind myself I have myself, I’m here for me and that’s the most important thing.

#223

That really is a female hand! The ring looks nice.

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#224

Awwww thank you!

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#225

My chronic worry about what others think causes so many issues in my life.

I’m remembering about 7 years ago when I was still producing in a daw. I would sit there, for an hour or more sometimes debating if a hi cut at 45 hz on a sound or 50 hz was better. When in reality nobody would hear the difference, it wouldn’t make or break my music, and also it was a cope for knowing deep down my music wasn’t great. I latched onto the technical to offset my very very fragile self worth tied to the music. I needed to believe I was doing something meticulous or focused on detail to convince myself I was good enough. In that moment I couldn’t see beyond that. Looking back, I wasted a lot of time trying to avoid sounding bad vs writing music.

That being said I ordered a midi router. I’m gonna get this routing figured out and start really exploring music in a way that’s more freeing. I’ve already been on a hiatus for a few months and my world didn’t collapse in, so breaking that “you’re running out of time to be someone or make your mark” has faded a bit. Which is important. It wasn’t creative fuel, it was a crippling mental block. Is this radio friendly? Will this be played in a club? Where are the drums? Bleh. What if I want to make weird avant garde stuff with no tempo and drifting all over the place? I should have freedom to pursue that and not feel like I’m taking away time from “getting better”

Oh also I think I haven’t been running Genesis for the past few months :pensive:. It’s just been double doses of HoT. In my media player you have to double click the track to play it, I was just highlighting and hitting play which just repeated the last track that was played.

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#226

I was at work today. I started off strong and then my mood kind of went downhill. I spent way too much time troubleshooting a script I was writing to do a very simple operation. I killed half my day on it. I felt so incompetent. But then I told myself my worth isn’t reflected in how fast I can put a script together or how good at IT I am. I’m not gonna carry around that burden anymore. I have so much control over how stuff like this effects me. There’s no reason to whip myself over stuff like that. I need to start enforcing this idea that I can do absolutely nothing and still have worth as a human being. That’s not an excuse for complacency, but I realized I can’t keep walking this razors edge of keeping myself intact by circumstances outside myself that validate me.

That being said I’ve also been crying a lot more. Crying was always one of those things where I’d just silently judge myself and feel like I wasn’t doing enough to change. Lately I’ve just felt like sometimes I don’t know how to figure out where I’m going, I’m overwhelmed, and upset about my body. And for years I just tucked that stuff away and just pushed on. Now I’m just like, ok we feel this we can’t not feel this and it’ll pass so it’s ok and you don’t have to change it. And I’ve got so much stuff I didn’t feel, so much backlogged emotions or messed up relationship to emotions.

Idk if it’s the subs, my own self growth, or the fact that I’m on estrogen now. But the emotions don’t get blocked anymore and I’m realizing what it really means to have emotional regulation. It’s not about rigid control. It’s about feeling them and allowing them and living life alongside that. And I’m still learning how to do that.

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#227

Still digging. I uncovered a bit more in therapy today. This desire to “catch up”. What I mean by that is, offset the effects of a less than great childhood and parenting. My goal throughout my life was fix that, then end up someone that others can be around. And it’s just the wrong way to think about things.

All the parts of me I don’t like or how I am, I’ve been trying to just stuff them down and come out on top doing everything in my power. But never once in my life have I given myself space to just allow myself to be ok that I don’t have it together, I don’t like myself a lot of the time, that I hate myself for having trauma I’ve had to deal with. I realized I have to give myself space to be ok with having those feelings in order to figure out a way to help myself. Otherwise I’m on a treadmill of pain trying to outrun things I’ll never outrun.

At the end of the day I’ve realized something. I’d rather be ok with having hard times with life and have people to lean on vs trying to get through it all myself. I’d rather feel ok with not feeling ok vs trying to constantly reach some idealized state of being emotionally stable that’s not realistic. I don’t know how far I can go to “heal” this stuff, I don’t think I even care anymore. Let me be messy, let me be authentic, if my life is good I’m good. You can’t roll back to a foundation that never existed, that’s what I’m realizing. It has to be created now. That’s what I’m coming to terms with, I didn’t get that and no amount of digging internally and letting go of past pains will make it appear.

I’ve been unconsciously looking for the magic pill all my life. It’s time to let go of that fantasy. These subs are my tools, but they only go as far as myself and whatever internal resources I have.

Even running HoT, am I gonna torture myself the rest of my life feeling like shit or at fault because I’m trans? I pretty much resigned myself to never being ok until the image in the mirror looking back at me is something I like. But what if that bar keeps shifting? What if I never like it? Then I subject myself to this hell every day of my life. I’ve seen other trans women do it, I can’t let that be my life too.

I’m just afraid that physical shifting isn’t a thing for me, that it’s a fantasy or a cope. I was born male physically at birth, how far can I get using my subconscious mind? I don’t know and as much as I want to be optimistic I have no examples of anyone else doing this. Even the HRT I’m on has variability in end results, it’s just fucking terrifying for me because I don’t know what I’ll look like years from now. I’m either preparing for the worst and inciting anxiety in myself or holding onto this idea that I’ll look so drastically different that I don’t need to accept who I am right now. Neither one is good, both hurt. I don’t know what I’m doing

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#228

Had a dream I was running DR Red. No. Probably all the healing nonsense I’ve gone through over the years and I’m like maybe it’ll be different this time, maybe I’ll really get to the core issue. Yes and then procrastinate waiting for that moment that will never come because it doesn’t exist.

At least I can clearly tell it’s an attempt to run from Genesis. I told myself Genesis stays here until I’m good in life. Stop intellectualizing the problems and start living instead. That’s what I’m trying to actualize.

Going on a subliminal goose chase is pointless. What more do I need right now than a solid foundation and more security? Nothing. I can’t even conceptualize beyond that because I have nothing to stand on.

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#229

Found an app for mood tracking. So far it’s been showing me my sub usage at 1 min is yielding worse moods. So I’m scaling back to 30s.

For most of my life I’ve just done things and ignored how it makes me feel. It sort of worked, I got out of the hole I was in but at the same time I didn’t really reach freedom.

If I’m running these subs then I have to start being more diligent with not abusing myself for the sake of progress. Is this growth or just a sneaky form of self harm? Feels like the latter to be honest, the unwillingness to take care of myself and dictate a pace for me that works independent of all the pressure in life.

At 30s I just worry it’s not enough. Not enough to make change, not enough to pull out of whatever this cycle is im stuck in. I know that’s fear and I know forcing myself to listen to a higher exposure rate does me no good. No matter how many times I think I’ve somehow gained the capacity for it, I don’t.

Something needs to change. I need to be better to myself. The problem is there are massive changes sometimes going through recon and my mind thinks I have to do it this way. But why not ease and peace? Why put myself through hell for growth? I guess throughout my life I learned a dysfunctional way of growth, it sort of worked but it doesn’t serve me now and I owe it to myself to find a way that makes me feel better.

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#230

Some not depressing stuff. My apartment I live in is pretty empty. No real sense of “home” to it. I was at an antique shop and they had some posters. So I figured that could liven things up a bit for me pretty easily and give me something comforting to be surrounded by. I found this one. The funny thing is, it’s literally named Genesis lol. I turned it around while at the shop and I was like no friggin way.

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#231

I decided to give myself a break from the subs until I finish processing. Idk when that’ll be but I almost ran my loops again yesterday and stopped myself. Now today I’m feeling really emotionally raw and know more on top of this won’t help me.

From now on I’m gonna approach things differently. It’s clear more subliminal exposure, even at 30s, will not help processing of emotions. And in some ways I probably reach for it in those moments as a sort of distraction to prevent the sub from going deeper and needing to target what it needs. When I slap more exposure on top of that I’m just building up for it to hit me on my rest days that just takes me out.

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#232

Who is the artist?

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#233

If you didn’t read it allready, look into chapter 2 ( DESIRE ) of Think and Grow Rich from Napoleon Hill. Where he talks about how he instilled the desire to hear in his son till he could hear (the son was born deaf, to be exact, without even having hearing organs!). Just for inspiration :slight_smile: You will do it! :sunny:

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#234

Artist is John Stephens

I appreciate the kind words :heart: . I’ve never read Think and Grow Rich, maybe this is a sign I should.

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#235

I recommend getting the original 1937 version.

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#236

I’ve been running a slightly adjusted schedule that integrates more processing time.

I play Tu, Th, Sa for 3 weeks. And then I take a week off and start again on the next Tuesday.

So, instead of 11 exposure days per play period, I get 9. and instead of 5 rest days in between play periods, I take 9.

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#237

Definitively: This book is more than just a “How to get rich” guide. It goes deeper, talking about mindset and how you think about things. It can help with many goals in life, not just money. Want to be the first person on Mars? Make great music? Express your true self? This book shows you how to change your thinking to help you get what you really want. It’s not just about getting rich - it’s about achieving your dreams, whatever they are.

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#238

Generally speaking I’ve come to realize more processing time isn’t good for me. Smaller doses with consistency seems the better approach I’m learning. Which makes sense because I lack consistency in everything in my life. If I’m not getting some kind of reinforcement every day I quickly slide off the cliff with everything.

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#239

I got a reminder about my job anniversary. I thought it was 5 years. I’ve been there for 7…

I don’t feel proud of it. In fact I’m upset. I’m upset how fast time has moved. How many years I was just stuck in survival mode.

It would be different if this job was healthy. But every day I have to rely on social tactics to get people to stop outsourcing to my department. The other day the purchasing team couldn’t figure out why items weren’t showing up on a manifest report. It was on an older system I was heavily involved with. They just threw their hands up and were like idk. I didn’t want this dumb shit circling back around to my department so I reviewed the report logic. Lo and behold some items weren’t unloaded so they didn’t show up on the report. I told them the report references unloaded items and it looks like that process was skipped on the manifest, that’s all I know. None of this was technical. No they wouldn’t have understood the sql code but a purchasing department should be able to troubleshoot their own process workflow issues. I feel like I’m babysitting and these aren’t even adults.

That’s about 1/16th of my frustration. If there are weak links in the chain they all say idk until it falls on us. Then people get upset we don’t have an answer and pressure us about the CEO from the top who will be upset. I don’t care anymore. I’ve started pushing back on this expectation. But I’ve done it in such a way where I pretend I don’t know what’s going on and can’t help vs outright refusal. Seems to have been working well.

I can’t switch jobs yet. I don’t know what I’d switch to and also at this stage in my physical transition I have a very thin level of confidence in my day to day presenting as a woman. I have a lot of stuff weighing me down right now. I also can’t take a pay cut due to the expenses I have to incur right now getting my life together, but I absolutely don’t want to be in a higher level management position. I’ve really been playing the game of life on hard mode.

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#240

I was def hitting my stride with 30s loops. I feel like I’m swinging back around to that. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like spontaneous perceptual shifts that I don’t have to try to bring about. And it’s like a big duh moment because of course this is how subs are supposed to work.

All my life I’ve really disliked myself. But I couldn’t even confide in other people because they’d just tell me I shouldn’t think like that. My whole life has been like an act, where I perform to show people the best version of myself. The one that’s not depressing, that doesn’t have challenges, that doesn’t dislike themselves. It’s the whole friggin reason I dove into subliminals and self help, not even to help myself ironically enough. To develop myself into something that others would value, that they wouldn’t be ashamed of, that wouldn’t look weak. How the hell have I gone all my life doing all these things and none of them were really for me? What do I get out of this deal? When I was a teenager and insanely depressed and my parents worried about me my first thoughts were trying to do what I could to ease their emotional distress, not mine.

It’s so bad I couldn’t even run these subs for a while without feeling like I wasn’t allowed to struggle or have difficulty. I had to come out the other side, I had to be a success story, I had to prove something. Again none of that was for my own benefit.

And the real difficult one to overcome lately is being trans. I can’t hide, I can’t put it away. It’s there 24/7. And I’ve been battling with myself to make something come about based on the perception of others vs my own comfort. Is being gendered correctly important to me? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong or should feel ashamed if I can’t live that reality. I still deserve happiness and acceptance even if I don’t fit in. I hate that the bigots get inside my head and cause me to question my existence. They poke at the traumas I’ve endured living a life of silent shame over something I had no say in. And it’s not as easy as “yeah fuck them, I am who I am” fake pride. It’s not about them, it’s about me and how I feel about myself. They just echo it.

I’ve been dissociating again. Living in this world of putting off self love and acceptance until I look how I want to look and live how i want to live. But what am I gonna do? Just sit around and watch another 3 years pass me by silently hating myself? I’ve already lost a lot of time in my life, I can’t waste anymore AND actively beat myself up at the same time.

Sometimes I look at this stuff and I’m just like, how is it even this possible to be so disconnected from your own life and who you are? But I guess that’s why I’m running Genesis. It’s funny before I started typing this out I was thinking of dropping it and replacing it with Sanguine. But I think I’m hitting on some deep stuff.