Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#241

I can tell Genesis is hitting harder because I don’t just feel overwhelmed. I feel afraid. About 5 times today I almost switched up my stack, almost dropped Genesis completely because I was like ‘what if it’s really just holding me back’?

I am deathly afraid of my life being different. I realize that now. In my mind different equals potential issues or danger. Circumstances I can’t adapt to. My life unraveling. In a lot of aspects fear was the only thing that allowed me to perform at my job. Take that away and what’s left? Nothing really.

I guess for me this is the hard part. When I start moving away from how to appease everyone else, what is left for me? Not a lot because I’m not used to it. I don’t know how to fill in that gap. This leads to a situation where I hold onto the old stuff because I know how to navigate it, but grow more and more resentful of it and pushed away by it. It’s like the polarity is reversed. Where my people pleasing behavior just had situations and people leech energy out of me, now it’s flipped and I feel like distancing myself as much as possible. Like today I realized how truly unorganized this company is and how they are unwilling to staff more people in my department. So if tickets don’t get answered? If I don’t complete projects or make workflow efficiencies? Eh if I was in a good environment I’d feel energized, seeing a noticeable shift, but this is a nonstop just pushing against a tide that won’t budge. So I won’t be held responsible for it anymore. Letting that shit go. My worth is not contingent on being a good worker, let that go too.

Truly I think the worst part about being in a company long term that’s dysfunctional. People get upset when you break it, they try to self correct back into the dysfunction and drag you into it. I started my day today getting a flood of tickets about a ERP system function not working which for the past year we have repeatedly told everyone we do not support that system, you have to work with the external consultants. Old me would have fwd it to the consultants and escalated it to get the problem resolved and avoid fallout. New me just sat back, said they’re adults they need to know the correct escalation paths let them figure it out and I’ll deal with the criticism and conflict after. I’m not gonna keep handholding people and enabling just because I’m afraid of conflict and consequences, especially if it adversely effects my mental health.

Long term I hope I never have to deal with this crap again. I want to be part of a company that values me, my time, and invests in me.

#242

Ran my loops a few hours ago. I was in such a rough state. I almost debated not doing it, but i did. I ended up lying down on my bed and sat with myself for a while. Something I haven’t done in a long time. I’m always focused on out there and the opinions and experiences of others. So I tuned into myself.

2 things happened. One while i was trying to relax a deep deep anxiety overtook me. I recognized what it was. It was the pattern of being afraid of people finding out I was transgender. It was a part of me that still didn’t know we don’t have to do that anymore. We did the hard part, the hardest part opening up, making social changes, living as ourselves. But this part just needed reassurance nothing bad was going to happen because everyone we care about or is important in our lives has already shown acceptance. There’s just a weird lag between my outward experiences and my inner self, they didn’t connect properly or get the memo. I’m trying to show that part now, I don’t think i could convince it in one little talk session but at least now I know it’s there.

Second thing that happened. I realized how much burden I’ve taken on to prove I’m a woman to the outside world. When in reality that’s not my job, that’s not my responsibility. I started chipping away at the things that actually brought me joy vs the things I was piling on to my to do list in order to gain acceptance from other people. People pleasing to the highest degree. I will never be happy if I don’t let that go. I’ll always be living for others and never taking care of my needs or enjoying life on my terms. But I’m getting there.

So where I’m at now. What changes do I have to make to make ME feel better? Not what gets me favorable reactions from other people. Yes being gendered correctly is nice, but if I’m performing things to get a favorable outcome what kind of life is that? I can’t shortcut this process, it’s a long road and if I can’t enjoy it I’m gonna be miserable. To go even further, you can’t force an unfolding process. You can’t shortcut a process to embodying your authentic self. My long term goal is being accepted as a woman and living as one, but I want that to be as organic as possible and a joyful experience of discovering myself not this anxiety ridden rollercoaster ride where I’m terrified of the opinions of others.

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#243

I have been loving these intuitive nudges I get and they just end up enriching my life. Learning to trust that guidance, where it leads me. I still doubt them, but stuff in the past few months has just lined up perfectly. Part of me is like, no it can’t possibly keep going on this upward trajectory of success and building. But why not? Just because I’ve never experienced it before doesn’t mean it can’t be real.

I finally got my eyebrows done. I looked in the mirror and genuinely smiled at myself. I felt ease seeing who I was becoming. I felt like the expectation of what I should see started matching up. And I got excited because I’m still early in my journey and I know it’s only going to get better for me. There’s no possible way it can’t, I’m running subs, I’m focused, and I’m taking actions to make myself feel better.

I’m still trying to deconstruct physical shifting limiting beliefs. I have noticed the day after listening to my HoT custom my boobs def get more sensitive. There’s definitely some noticeable physical sensations.

So yeah since switching to 30s I’m getting way more results again vs feeling deadlocked in recon.

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#244

I had this sort of epiphany just vibing out to some music today. I was thinking that is what I need. That raw creative energy and then a sandbox free of judgement or criticism to literally just bang on my MPC and go nuts.

What happens most of the time instead is trying to overanalyze and get so far away from the emotional connection. I micro manage the process of self expression. Then I get upset when it turns out stale or constricted. Then I’m like duh, that was literally the energy you put into it constricted, timid, withheld, etc. How am I ever gonna develop as an artist if I don’t allow freedom of expression in my own stuff?

A lot of this is kind of tied into with the deep exploration of myself I’m undergoing now. Who I really am, how I really express myself. I don’t feel like I have to filter behavior or natural ways of being and I feel like that will start presenting itself when I get back to my music too.

I reworked my studio setup. Everything is rearranged in a less frustrating organization style. I also finally incorporated my tablet so I can do live tweaking of my older synths. All that’s left is to sit my butt down and create.

#245

Feel bad → look for beliefs and other people’s experiences to validate my experiences and stay in comfort zone-> get more bad feelings → live an unsatisfying life → get upset → repeat

That’s been my life in a nutshell. A spiral vortex of anxiousness and fear that sucks, but I return to time and time again. Really what it comes down to is I use it as an excuse to say “hey look it really is like that because of x, its not me i did everything I could”

Respectfully and I’m calling you out on your bs because I love you. You did not. But that’s ok. Holding onto that little sliver of self worth is not worth lying about your efforts for growth and change. If the capacity isn’t there it isn’t there, that doesn’t make you less than. It means you didn’t have the resources or support to get you what you needed at that time. But don’t let that fear of having your self worth torn apart cause you to hide away from the challenges of the world.

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#246

I’m going to my best friend’s wedding in a few days. I get to dress up which im excited for, but also I’m incredibly nervous because I don’t know who else will be there or what they’ll think of me.

That’s been my struggle lately. Trying to just hold myself with confidence walking around in my day to day. I’m here living my life and if that’s not good enough for some people they can stew in that discomfort.

I’m looking forward to running seductress. I do need a massive self confidence boost and honestly embracing my sexuality too. I had mentioned it before but sex always triggered deep anxiety in me. I can clearly see why now. But I want to give myself the opportunity to enjoy it. It’s all a huge adjustment for me. You can see my past journal entries running wanted black. I was trying really hard to run away from myself. I never felt safe or comfortable being myself and sharing that intimacy with another person.

It’s just difficult. My natural instincts vs the constant conditioning I subjected myself to. I think how I feel, how I want to be treated, and how I behave all would be normal if I was a biological woman. But instead it feels wrong because I told myself for years I just needed to become more of a man. I haven’t really shook that yet. It would be nice to settle more into myself and let that express itself outward naturally.

#247

Last night I was crying in a dream. Then I woke up and was crying.

I had this dream, it was like an alternate reality. Where I went back to a childhood home that wasn’t the one I had but it still felt familiar. It felt safe, felt happy. And I guess I was crying because I was grieving the fact that my real childhood wasn’t like that. I also felt in the dream that my gender issues were acknowledged and my parents helped me with it.

Thinking about it some more, I think I was running Genesis instead of Seductress because I was toeing a line. I was still afraid of fully committing to myself. But it helped me get to this point where i can say “yes that’s what I want”. I think the hard part for me looking at it now. I wanted to run Genesis to get my life in order, but the biggest thing causing my life to be out of order was not being able to be myself. And if I have to dedicate some focused time to that, well I think that’s ok.

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#248

As I was reading the post that was previous to the post with the above quote, I wondered if it might help you to run a subliminal that is focused on self-esteem.

What are your thoughts on that?

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#249

I agree. I need a massive self esteem boost. I’ve decided to run seductress to really get in touch with my feminity and also accelerate the physical shifting so I can feel better.

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#250

What are your thoughts on what might help you with self-esteem?

#251

Its tough. I’ve just been trying to live as myself as much as possible. Self care, express myself more with makeup and clothing. I am limited though, there’s a very real discomfort that comes with things not matching up for me.

I would say the more freedom I have to be myself and be unafraid of my authentic self expression that could boost my self esteem too.

Right now it’s still hard for me to just feel like I can live.

#252

The wedding I went to was so much fun. I was nervous but I was surrounded by lovely people. I got a few drinks in me and danced my ass off. Just moving my body to the music. Must have been seductress hitting cuz the dancing got really sexy and I just went with it. It was amazing expressing that side of myself and just throwing out all my insecurities for a few hours.

Sometimes I have these insecurities like I’m not really a woman. That I’m just pretending and that hurts. I hope to get to the point where not only am I comfortable with expressing myself in feminine ways but I stop questioning that entirely.

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#253

As my friend says - “You Go Gurlll!”

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#254

What books have you considered might help with self-esteem?

#255

I’ve given up on a lot of books. I might reread Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

I find books suffer from things sometimes like

  1. The author being heavily invested in their methods and spend too much time with anecdotes.

  2. Too rigid in their application of said method. Making assumptions, framing things as truth when it’s more subjective

  3. A tendency to blame the reader for how life turned out

  4. A complete lack of consideration for how trauma hijacks and reroutes the association with elevating oneself. So in some people it feels good. For others it serves as a trigger.

  5. Insecurities and defensiveness. Like those people that say they didn’t go to college but are street smart.

That being said if you have any suggestions I’m open to considerations. I’ve become a lot more strict with what books are allowed to enter my headspace because they can hurt more than help.

#256

What is your plan for raising your self-esteem?

#257

Therapy lol. Which I’ve been in for about 2 years now. That’s about my only plan. That and the subs

#258

How are measuring improvements in your self-esteem?

#259

I’ve just overall been evaluating the quality of my life and what I fill it with. I don’t really have any solid measurements. But I know if I’m more social, open, doing things for myself, and removing the influence of negative people and situations I’m doing better. Also I know I’ve improved if I don’t go down my negative thought spirals with regards to my appearance. I used to be really reclusive and self isolated a lot, so I have a good idea of where I was and where I’ve been heading towards.

It’s been gradually getting better. I just have a ton of stuff in my life I’ve had to unpack and work on.

#260

What skills have you developed to improve your self esteem?